AIBU to think DH acted like a twat?

[Confusssed]

So, I can't actually remember the last time DH and I had a cross word. Our relationship is very good, still very much in love and life is great. Today started well, DH in a good mood because he loves the sunshine. We sat in the garden chatting and drinking coffee, and decided to walk to our local cafe for lunch. Our DD has just started working at this cafe and our DS fancies working there too, so DH wanted us to go and ask the owner about PT work for DS.

So we started walking to the cafe, and DS and I were chatting about houses we passed, whether we liked them etc. DH was walking in front, and turned round and scolded us for commenting on the house of someone we vaguely know. The chances of anyone actually over hearing DS and I talk was zero btw. We got to the cafe and we said hello to DD, then I had a quick chat with the girl on the till about any work for DS, and she said she would mention it to the manager. All very normal and mundane.

We went to sit down (a worker at the cafe was having their lunch at next table) and the girl went into the back and I overheard her telling the manager about DS. I smiled at DH and all I said was "They're talking about DS". Just four words.

DH gave me a dirty look, and looked pointedly at the cafe worker eating at the next table. Obviously he meant I was being really indiscrete (but I don't think I was?), but I looked at him and was like 'Really? Come on!'

He did no more than get up, flounce out of the cafe and sit outside on a bench leaving DS and I sitting like lemons, we couldn't order food as DH had the cash. We waited a bit, and DS was upset so I went outside and quietly said to DH 'If you're going to tantrum, DS and I are walking home.' DH got up and said 'I'll come too, I'm not sitting on my own'. But he marched off ahead of us.

We got home, and I collected my purse and took DS out for a nice lunch. As we left I told DH 'We're going out for lunch. While you're out, can you try and grow up by about 15 years.' DH ignored me.

DS and I have just got back (we went shopping after lunch) and soon as we walked in, DH put his shoes on and has left in his car. Not a word was spoken. I have no idea where he has gone, and no idea what has brought this on.

DS is disgusted by DH's behaviour, and I'm pretty contemptuous of it too. I do know that DH gets wound up if (for example) we're eating out and I carry on chatting when the waiter comes to clear the table. He thinks we should immediately go silent at these times. So I'm assuming today is connected to this somehow? But it seems such a huge over reaction?

I am genuinely nonplussed about this and don't know how to respond.

Can't see how telling your partner to "grow up by about 15 years" is wrong

something to him that's pretty mean, really - grow up about 15 years

Pretty mean?! In what world!? It's good advice. So when someone is immature, you cannot call them immature... Because that's mean.

Telling someone to "grow up" isn't good advice - it's the kind of thing people say when they're in the middle of an argument. It probably came across as dismissive and patronising.

True good advice is given calmly, politely and when both parties are listening to each other. Not much of that going on here.

cariadlet Exactly. Only time I use the words grow up is when I’m pissed at my partner and done explaining because he isn’t listening and I throw a grow up in there to piss him off. Not saying it’s great but I’ll be honest in how I use it. It isn’t advice unless said calmly and during a conversation about needing to wise up a bit. That’s not how the op said it.

pretty mean?! In what world!?

Mine

Seriously- it is mean. “Oh grow up” is never a constructive comment. It’s not “good advice”.

It's hardly "mean" if the person is genuinely being immature though. To me, it would be mean if you were being reasonable and someone told you to grow up. They do need to grow up if they are acting like that, whether they like to hear it or not, whether it seems "mean" or not. It's not like she swore at him or called him a nasty name ifyswim, she just said that he was being childish . The rational discussion comes later, when they've realised that yes actually, they were.

I must be a right bitch irl if that's mean

wow people on aibu will find literally anything to pick on.
I'm assuming 'commenting on houses' was something as innocuous as 'That's a nice house,' 'what lovely flowers,' etc. You would really have to tie yourself up in knots to find anything inappropriate about that, even if the owners somehow did overhear you.

I just really can't understand the mindset of people who will go to the wall to nitpick the possible implications of a minor irritant like someone saying 'They're talking about DS' in order to justify a GROWN MAN stomping out of a cafe and having a sulk on the wall.

He's your husband, not your parent. If he finds something you do irritating or inappropriate he can explain why and ask you not to do it, but he has no right to monitor your behaviour according to his standards and punish you if you don't live up to them.

I agree with others that the most likely thing is he is stressed/annoyed about something else and something you feel is minor has irritated him and set him off. But unless he can explain exactly what you did was so awful he needs to acknowledge his own ott reaction and apologise.

'They're talking about DS' in order to justify a GROWN MAN stomping out of a cafe and having a sulk on the wall.

But that is only the OP's perspective on what happened. Her DH's perspective would have been different eg "I felt really uncomfortable so I went and sat outside for a while, but then my DW came outside and began to belittle me."

We don't know if he "stomped off" and "sulked". We only know that this is how the OP interpreted his behaviour.

“he has no right to monitor your behaviour according to his standards and punish you if you don't live up to them.”

Where are you getting this from?

He didn’t punish anyone. He’d had enough and removed himself from the situation. The only one making sarcastic remarks - “really? Come on!” “If you’re going to tantrum...” “grow up” - was the OP.

To be honest the only reasonable thing to do in this situation is to stop second guessing and allowing time for everyone to flounce about and just thrash it out. You don't have to start a discussion by blaming him but instead say look I see you're upset, I genuinely don't understand why and I wasn't us to figure it out so we can get back to being cool again.

said furiously “don’t point at people’s houses, it’s rude” and the other agreed.

How absolutely peculiar. I've never heard of this before. I must be hopelessly uncouth.

Is he perhaps worried about something else ? Something on his mind he finds hard to discuss?

But on the other hand he's very affectionate and loving, has a warm personality and loves getting together with friends, so I don't know

Ouch! 😳😜 I do all those things and I have Aspergers. 🙂

I have some weird issues like him, I absolutely hate anything that draws attention to me, like if DH starts having a conversation with me or the DCs across the bus or something, it makes me really mad 😳 not that I’d cause a scene over it, but I’d be cringing inside.

I think I would write it off as being epically stressed, his behaviour sounds petulant but as others have said maybe it was actually just leaving without causing a scene.