AIBU to think DH acted like a twat?

[Confusssed]

So, I can't actually remember the last time DH and I had a cross word. Our relationship is very good, still very much in love and life is great. Today started well, DH in a good mood because he loves the sunshine. We sat in the garden chatting and drinking coffee, and decided to walk to our local cafe for lunch. Our DD has just started working at this cafe and our DS fancies working there too, so DH wanted us to go and ask the owner about PT work for DS.

So we started walking to the cafe, and DS and I were chatting about houses we passed, whether we liked them etc. DH was walking in front, and turned round and scolded us for commenting on the house of someone we vaguely know. The chances of anyone actually over hearing DS and I talk was zero btw. We got to the cafe and we said hello to DD, then I had a quick chat with the girl on the till about any work for DS, and she said she would mention it to the manager. All very normal and mundane.

We went to sit down (a worker at the cafe was having their lunch at next table) and the girl went into the back and I overheard her telling the manager about DS. I smiled at DH and all I said was "They're talking about DS". Just four words.

DH gave me a dirty look, and looked pointedly at the cafe worker eating at the next table. Obviously he meant I was being really indiscrete (but I don't think I was?), but I looked at him and was like 'Really? Come on!'

He did no more than get up, flounce out of the cafe and sit outside on a bench leaving DS and I sitting like lemons, we couldn't order food as DH had the cash. We waited a bit, and DS was upset so I went outside and quietly said to DH 'If you're going to tantrum, DS and I are walking home.' DH got up and said 'I'll come too, I'm not sitting on my own'. But he marched off ahead of us.

We got home, and I collected my purse and took DS out for a nice lunch. As we left I told DH 'We're going out for lunch. While you're out, can you try and grow up by about 15 years.' DH ignored me.

DS and I have just got back (we went shopping after lunch) and soon as we walked in, DH put his shoes on and has left in his car. Not a word was spoken. I have no idea where he has gone, and no idea what has brought this on.

DS is disgusted by DH's behaviour, and I'm pretty contemptuous of it too. I do know that DH gets wound up if (for example) we're eating out and I carry on chatting when the waiter comes to clear the table. He thinks we should immediately go silent at these times. So I'm assuming today is connected to this somehow? But it seems such a huge over reaction?

I am genuinely nonplussed about this and don't know how to respond.

When I'm coming the end of a relationship I begin to find every tiny little thing the person does beyond infuriating so you've probably not done anything wrong OP.

You embarrassed him and I imagine this sort of thing happens often and he finally snapped? My mum is like you, she has to pass comment on things when people could potentially definitely hear her. I find it infuriating to be honest and have pulled her up on it and she'll just say "oh they can't hear me" when they really, really can. Am I self conscious? Yes. Is she rude to talk about people potentially in earshot? Most definitely. Sorry OP I think YWBU

Flummoxed by those that are suggesting you are in the wrong op.
Don’t get why walking past a house and commenting on it being nice could possibly be embarrassing.
He’s also a bad example to your children with the flouncing and ignoring.
Could not be bothered with all this- what a storm in a teacup.
He wants to try living with a gobby scouser like me

It's the wrong time of year for all these snowflakes isn't it?!

OP I don't think YABU at all and your husband sounds extremely prissy, but I guess if this is standard behaviour for you both you may need to consider what you feel is worth compromising - your character or your marriage

My DH seems to worry inordinately about what other people may be thinking. Once we hired a holiday cottage that had all sorts of baby and child equipment, including things for them to play with in the garden. DH was constantly worrying about our children making a noise when playing, because the owners of the cottage lived next door. I had considerable difficulty convincing him that maybe when they put all that play equipment there they expected children on holiday to use it and would be most surprised if they were quiet about it.

Over the years I think I've laughed him out of a lot of this, mostly by pointing out that there is no point in wasting time worrying about what people we will never see again might be thinking. I realise that that was not your situation, OP, but your DH does need to explain why he perceived what you were saying as so flounce-worthy.

What a weirdo! Don’t change your behaviour, OP! He’s the one who needs to get a grip.

OP, your DH does sound a bit over sensitive, self conscious and embarrassed but those aren't personality flaws - they're just personality characteristics which happen to be very different from your own.

Your OP and subsequent updates are totally self-justifying and lack any attempt to empathise with your DH.

You talk about him "flouncing" outside. That's a very subjective use of language. If he had written the op he'd have probably described the situation very differently.
You could have gone out and asked if he was ok or if there was a problem. Instead of talking to him like a partner you accused him of having a tantrum. No wonder he walked ahead. You were pretty rude to him in front of your son.

When you got home you asked him to "Grow up by about 15 years." I'm not surprised that he ignored you. What could he have said without turning the conversation into an argument?

You clearly thought that he was childish to walk out of the café and it probably was an over-reaction, but your response was equally childish. You claim to love your DH, but have admitted to being "contemptuous" of his behaviour. A bit of empathy and attempt at understanding him wouldn't go amiss.

I have to agree with esk1mo

"what people like that dont realise is that their public strops are always far more noticeable and embarrassing than the thing they are mad about! its so bizarre."

and also "you dont sound unbearable or like you need to be so subtle, your DH needs to lighten up a few thousand shades."

Hope things will smooth out.

I do tell my kids not to talk about the houses in our town as we pass them but that is because the front garden are very small and my kids might say anything good or bad! But I think your dh was very over the top in the cafe.

(Hope your son got the job.)

I think your DH should think about how he behaves in front of his kids. That's weird, how awful and controlling and spoilt, and now he is sulking. Please don't apologise.

My Dad has always been like this. Totally phobic about being overheard. I've just been diagnosed with Asperger's which means he is highly likely to be as it's more obvious in him than me. It really stood out to me from your post how much I recognise that situation from my childhood. He would be convinced that people on the next table in restaurants could hear us and we must be quiet.

I don't get the part where a self conscious person makes a scene in the restaurant. That is passive aggressive asshattery, not self consciousness. Nor is his irritation with you over these small things reasonable. He is using disapproval as a passive aggressive control tool. I think you said upthread that this is a family dysfunction.

OP, when you see that someone is upset, and lets face it your H made damn sure everyone around him knew he was upset, do not poke at them. Leave them alone to work their way to wanting to talk. Every time you poke at them, like your parting shot as you left the house and your text, it adds fuel to the frustration instead of calming the ruffled waters.

I've been with my DH for 16 years now and he used to be quite prone to this kind of behaviour - particularly the storming out.

It rarely happens now - he's 40 and more relaxed in himself plus I have zero tolerance for it. I would have said much worse than the grow up by 15 years (which I think was a reasonable response in The circumstances!) In retrospect I think a lot of it was driven by anxiety - you wouldn't really think so as he's sociable and has a good group of friends but I think he has a tendency to catastrophise which was much worse when we were younger/less confident. I've always been a bit more outgoing than him so it took me a while to understand what the hell his problem was.

He should apologise to you and to DS - even if he thought your comment re "they're talking about DS" was embarrassing his reaction was disproportionate. He could have just said "sssshh".

Our children are only little but I make a point of making sure we apologise to properly after a fight - his tendency would be to get over it and then pretend nothing had happened and brush it under the carpet - I get the sense your DH may be the same.

I really don't understand how being vaguely indiscreet (and to even describe it as that is a real stretch) is so hideously awful for him...

...but yet he's willing to draw attention to himself in a far worse way by stropping and walking out.

It just doesn't make sense.

Hopefully you can talk about it without him getting massively defensive and angry and making it all worse.

I agree with TheDowager.

But It's out of character; you need to talk about it. However unreasonable he was I think you can choose now to de-escalate by not saying things like 'flounce' and accusing him of behaving like a teenager.

He did flounce though! It doesn't sounds like it was hugely out of character from what the OP has said?

Choosing to de-escalate to me would feel like letting him off the hook- at worst OP's behaviour was mildly embarrassing (in reality it was not even that) so I'd be wary of him trying to come up with some false equivalence as a defence strategy.

If he doesn't accept he was out of line and apologise sincerely I think you have a real problem.

"what people like that dont realise is that their public strops are always far more noticeable and embarrassing than the thing they are mad about! its so bizarre."

“I don’t get the part where a self conscious person makes a scene in the restaurant.”

“he’s willing to draw attention to himself in a far worse way by stropping and walking out.

It just doesn’t make sense.”

I really think people are getting hung up on an unimportant detail.

The man stood up and walked out. That is not making a scene. They had no food yet. He wouldn’t have had a napkin on his lap to remove and throw down on the table. If anyone else even noticed him walking to the bench outside (unlikely) they could think any number of things - “he’s going for a cigarette” “he’s run to the shop” or most likely “what that person is doing has nothing to do with me”.

Standing up and walking towards a door is not making a scene. It was designed to send a message to the OP but nobody else.

Inxs I agree.

Maybe he just needed out of the situation incase he thought op would say something else cringy. Sometimes you just need out of that.
Not saying you would have said anything else op but that's how I thought with my ex. Though what you said isn't comparable to him.

I'm wondering had your husband reached the end of his rope. If 'open and chatty' simply means pleasant and appropriately forthcoming, fair enough, but there's no way of knowing if it's being used here the way 'I like to speak my mind' often is, to put a gloss on cringe-making behaviour. In any case what bothers me more is your son seconding your 'disgust'; surely the average teenager would be curling up hoping to die from the embarrassment of his mummy asking about a job on his behalf (and incidentally putting the staff in an awkward position by doing so).

Ages ago I was walking with some friends when I pointed at a house and said “oh look, that house has exactly the same king of stained glass window as ours”. (The window was unusual.)

One of the friends looked like and said furiously “don’t point at people’s houses, it’s rude” and the other agreed.

I found it confusing at the time. If someone pointed at my house I’d think nothing of it. I’d assume they were pointing out the colour of the paint or saying that’s where so-and-so used to love.

But some people are sensitive to etiquette issues that may seem extremely precious to you or me. I haven’t pointed at a house since tho!

I agree totally with Milly Mae

If you're going to tantrum, DS and I are walking home.

While you're out, can you try and grow up by about 15 years.

OP, you come across as though you think your husband is wholly in the wrong. Your comments to him were provocative, inflammatory and unhelpful. I would discuss this with him without apportioning blame/assuming you are in the right.

My DP is exactly like this in that he thinks nobody should ever overhear our conversations. Says I talk too loud and people "are looking at us", yet he's the only person in my life to ever say this. He says it's embarrassing.

I've spoken to my family about it and they say that they find his entire family very soft-spoken to the point of even mumbling at times, so...

Literally all he had to do was...
"They are talking about DS "
"ah well, fingers crossed, *return to previous conversation or start new one"
Or something like that

How is that embarrassing?

Flowering it's definitely something he's inherited from his own family. They never openly talk about anything of importance. They just don't. Everything is brushed under the carpet immediately. Even when I miscarried our second baby his parents never once mentioned it to me not even indirectly

You were a bit of a twat too.

DH and I disagree sometimes, we don't put DC in the middle of disagreements. You flounced for lunch with your ds leaving a barbed comment.
Sulking isn't a good way to deal with disagreements. If you can't remember the last time you had a disagreement, it sounds like your behaviour was the straw that broke the camel's back.

You know this type of thing pushes your oh's buttons. Being sensitive doesn't mean your are being controlled.

If your dd was ok with her db working in the same place, he should talk to the owners.