AIBU to think DH acted like a twat?

[Confusssed]

So, I can't actually remember the last time DH and I had a cross word. Our relationship is very good, still very much in love and life is great. Today started well, DH in a good mood because he loves the sunshine. We sat in the garden chatting and drinking coffee, and decided to walk to our local cafe for lunch. Our DD has just started working at this cafe and our DS fancies working there too, so DH wanted us to go and ask the owner about PT work for DS.

So we started walking to the cafe, and DS and I were chatting about houses we passed, whether we liked them etc. DH was walking in front, and turned round and scolded us for commenting on the house of someone we vaguely know. The chances of anyone actually over hearing DS and I talk was zero btw. We got to the cafe and we said hello to DD, then I had a quick chat with the girl on the till about any work for DS, and she said she would mention it to the manager. All very normal and mundane.

We went to sit down (a worker at the cafe was having their lunch at next table) and the girl went into the back and I overheard her telling the manager about DS. I smiled at DH and all I said was "They're talking about DS". Just four words.

DH gave me a dirty look, and looked pointedly at the cafe worker eating at the next table. Obviously he meant I was being really indiscrete (but I don't think I was?), but I looked at him and was like 'Really? Come on!'

He did no more than get up, flounce out of the cafe and sit outside on a bench leaving DS and I sitting like lemons, we couldn't order food as DH had the cash. We waited a bit, and DS was upset so I went outside and quietly said to DH 'If you're going to tantrum, DS and I are walking home.' DH got up and said 'I'll come too, I'm not sitting on my own'. But he marched off ahead of us.

We got home, and I collected my purse and took DS out for a nice lunch. As we left I told DH 'We're going out for lunch. While you're out, can you try and grow up by about 15 years.' DH ignored me.

DS and I have just got back (we went shopping after lunch) and soon as we walked in, DH put his shoes on and has left in his car. Not a word was spoken. I have no idea where he has gone, and no idea what has brought this on.

DS is disgusted by DH's behaviour, and I'm pretty contemptuous of it too. I do know that DH gets wound up if (for example) we're eating out and I carry on chatting when the waiter comes to clear the table. He thinks we should immediately go silent at these times. So I'm assuming today is connected to this somehow? But it seems such a huge over reaction?

I am genuinely nonplussed about this and don't know how to respond.

Asking about the work wasn't really part of a conversation that naturally developed. According to your OP it was one of the express reasons for the visit. I do agree it's a bit odd to be asking on behalf of your DS who was actually there in person and I wonder if your DH was annoyed as he had assumed that you would accompany your DS (slightly less odd) whilst your DS asked

In any event, it was all a bit weird with various members of the family getting up and leaving at different times. If your DH is not normally like that, I would chalk it down to one of those days

Some people (and one of my brothers is like this) are highly sensitive to what they see as "airing dirty laundry". Even if you are discussing someone trivial or completely uninteresting for others. I've had my brother storm off for similar reasons. If everything is usually fine then he is probably having one of those days or, as you say, under pressure. YANBU to be annoyed as he is behaving like a total child, and leaving the home in a strop is not the behaviour of a married man/father, but just try to let it go - it's not worth the aggro.

*something trivial

When I try and subtly hint at Dh about someone near by making eyes, whispering etc he will always say loudly and indiscreetly ‘what are you saying about them’ kind of thing. It drives me mad as it shows me up when I’m trying to be subtle. I wonder if this is how your Dh felt, and it was the final straw after a stressful week for him?

OP - sounds as if he is in a sour mood, for some reason. Not OK. But, you say it is not like him to act in this way, so not typical behaviour. You need to find out what's behind it.

I think you did the right thing to send him a supportive / concerned text, and he responded in a reasonable way. But your kind gesture was negated by your next comments: "I replied saying I can't believe he flounced out the cafe like that, and that DS was upset." That comment was inflammatory, and unnecessary. That is when your dh went silent.

Absolutely, you should address his behaviour. But do it in a kind / concerned way - similar to your initial text. No reason to be combative. It won't get you anywhere, and will probably blow this entire situation out of proportion (though it seems it already is at that stage).

Okay, I get that this must have really irritated him, but I really feel he needs to get over himself and stop being so precious and relax a bit. His reaction was completely over the top and far more socially embarrassing and indiscreet than anything I said surely?

Everything that followed the 'but' suggests that no, you don't get it. He feels your behaviour was worse than his and clearly vice versa. If you normally have a good relationship, concentrate your efforts on patching things up and putting it behind you, rather than trying to convince yourself and everyone else that you're the one in the "right".

There shouldn’t be any convincing needed though, that’s the trouble. He is clearly in the wrong but you will have to decide where to go from here.

What are you doing with my husband? That's the sort of thing he does, terrified someone is going to over hear him and judge him. And if he doesn't like something he storms off, it's tedious

Bollocks to that.

Why should she patch things up when he's sulking about like a child? If anything his behavior suggests she needs to call him out on this sort of stuff more in the future.

Don't ever put up with sulking, OP.

god people love nitpicking on here dont they

i remember walking through a neighbourhood where all the houses are at least £1million. my mum & i were commenting on the houses “oh how cute is
that window/look at the lovely garden” etc. they all have huge front gardens, so not like anyone could hear. plus we were saying nice things. my dad was furious and told us to shut up and walked away super embarrassed no idea why.

what people like that dont realise is that their public strops are always far more noticeable and embarrassing than the thing they are mad about! its so bizarre.

you dont sound unbearable or like you need to be so subtle, your DH needs to lighten up a few thousand shades.

Not really sure why you’re asking AIBU since you seem to be pretty sure you’re not. But fwiw I think it depends in part on what exactly you were saying about people’s houses. If it was innocuous stuff like ‘oh what lovely flowers in the garden’ and ‘I do like the style of that porch’ and ‘that’s a nice shade of paint on the windows’ then I don’t see much wrong with it. If it was less positive or more personal, about the people who lived there, then I can see how your husband would have found it rather embarrassing.

I’ll add my voice to those who have already said it seems rather odd, interfering and infantilising to go asking your daughter’s workplace for a job for your son. Firstly it’s her workplace, she should be left to get on with it without her family coming in and having dramas and her brother muscling in on something that is a separate part of her life. Secondly he should be capable of sorting out a job for himself, why does he need mummy to do it for him?

You start off by telling us how great your relationship is but the way you speak to him is so disrespectful. I'm not sure his assessment of your relationship would be the same as yours.

OP has already said her son doesn't "need mummy to do it" it just came up in conversation.

Why have people decided to pick on the son in all of this?

Don't forget this is mumsnet, once a child is old enough for a part time job, they are out on their own. I got a right slamming once for washing my DDs work tops

I'm constantly commenting on people's houses..especially when they are vulgar..
RitaMoreno my son is just like yours-he dies of embarrassment if I so much as speak to him if anyone under the age of 16 is anywhere near.
To be fair I am quite chatty and probably a bit eccentric sooooo I do try and tone it down.
OP obviously your husband was out of order sulking and stropping BUT it may have been the last straw for him.
Learn to edit yourself, just a bit.
And totally agree if ds wants a job he can ask himself!

What we are talking about here is a question of discretion and voice volume. Of course, we've only heard your side, which sounds completely reasonable. However, for all any of us know, you could well be a loud mouthed jabber box! If your DH were to write the opening thread, I expect his version would read somewhat differently. Do you see my point?

Ugh, didn't you realise you were contributing to the generation of the feckless entitled, Sonly?

You enabler, you. :o

Honestly. Some of the people on this thread are just plain RUDE. It's not for us to criticise how they approach the issue of employment with their son! They know him, we don't. And for the life of me I can't work out why chatting about houses would be a trigger for annoyance

OP - I'm totally with you on this. Personally I'd put it down to a funny 5 minutes and stay clear of him until he calms down. And possibly self-medicate with wine

@weebo

As the OP said in initial post they went expressly to the cafe re work for DS - so it was just a "random" conversation/idea when in cafe.

I'm not saying he behaved appropriately or well but I can understand why he left. It's not rational but I also get incredibly self conscious and your comment in front of staff member, although completely innocent, would make me cringe too.

OP, I am the kind of person who feels the world is watching and judging me. I will be in a place miles form either of our homes with my mum and she will be discussing someone and my panic alarm will go off sending my brain spiralling into thoughts like 'What of that lady over there somehow knows X and recognises them from this conversation and goes home and tells them' and I start talking quieter and quieter! I will also stop talking if the waiter comes over because a) manners and b) I don't want to indiscrete.
I have been blessed with 2 enthusiastic children with ASCs who do ot give a monkeys uncle about what the world thinks.......
I spend my life shushing them in public but I would never walk out or sulk about it! It's my hang up after all.
I know I need to lighten up and I think your DH does too.

Can everyone stop spelling it 'indiscrete'.

Jeeeez Louise.

Yes but she also said DS is actually very confident and outgoing, I just ended up asking the girl on the till because of the way the conversation developed naturally somehow.

That's perfectly possible if you are chatty with the people working there anyway.

I personally don't see what the big deal is.

OP my DH and me are similar to you two from the sounds of things. Go back to p2 and read DeadGood's reply. It's very sensible.
And I can relate, and I think that's really good advice.
It's not right and wrong, it's just how you both do things and sometimes it is going to grate.
Good luck!

But on the other hand he's very affectionate and loving, has a warm personality
...he doesn’t today. Sounds miserable for you that his childish behaviour has probably ruined your family’s Saturday. I hope he has come to his senses. Not making excuses for it, but is it possible you have a really big voice? I have a friend like this, she is oblivious to it, but it can make things really embarrassing out in public.