AIBU to think DH acted like a twat?

[Confusssed]

So, I can't actually remember the last time DH and I had a cross word. Our relationship is very good, still very much in love and life is great. Today started well, DH in a good mood because he loves the sunshine. We sat in the garden chatting and drinking coffee, and decided to walk to our local cafe for lunch. Our DD has just started working at this cafe and our DS fancies working there too, so DH wanted us to go and ask the owner about PT work for DS.

So we started walking to the cafe, and DS and I were chatting about houses we passed, whether we liked them etc. DH was walking in front, and turned round and scolded us for commenting on the house of someone we vaguely know. The chances of anyone actually over hearing DS and I talk was zero btw. We got to the cafe and we said hello to DD, then I had a quick chat with the girl on the till about any work for DS, and she said she would mention it to the manager. All very normal and mundane.

We went to sit down (a worker at the cafe was having their lunch at next table) and the girl went into the back and I overheard her telling the manager about DS. I smiled at DH and all I said was "They're talking about DS". Just four words.

DH gave me a dirty look, and looked pointedly at the cafe worker eating at the next table. Obviously he meant I was being really indiscrete (but I don't think I was?), but I looked at him and was like 'Really? Come on!'

He did no more than get up, flounce out of the cafe and sit outside on a bench leaving DS and I sitting like lemons, we couldn't order food as DH had the cash. We waited a bit, and DS was upset so I went outside and quietly said to DH 'If you're going to tantrum, DS and I are walking home.' DH got up and said 'I'll come too, I'm not sitting on my own'. But he marched off ahead of us.

We got home, and I collected my purse and took DS out for a nice lunch. As we left I told DH 'We're going out for lunch. While you're out, can you try and grow up by about 15 years.' DH ignored me.

DS and I have just got back (we went shopping after lunch) and soon as we walked in, DH put his shoes on and has left in his car. Not a word was spoken. I have no idea where he has gone, and no idea what has brought this on.

DS is disgusted by DH's behaviour, and I'm pretty contemptuous of it too. I do know that DH gets wound up if (for example) we're eating out and I carry on chatting when the waiter comes to clear the table. He thinks we should immediately go silent at these times. So I'm assuming today is connected to this somehow? But it seems such a huge over reaction?

I am genuinely nonplussed about this and don't know how to respond.

The ironic thing is, if he's drunk he is a massive exhibitionist, far more so than me, and positively courts being the centre of attention.

So next time he gets drunk, get your phone out and record him. Produce the evidence whenever you need it.

Agree he owes an apology to your children.

But, yeah, still guessing this is embarrassment about you talking about other people.

He overreacted, but I think you need to talk to him about it and see if it’s a problem and maybe try to be a bit more aware?

Although he overreacted (unless you do this all the time and he’s asked you not to before) I think he has a bit of a point. Everybody has been in that situation where they think they can’t be overheard but get caught out. These people could have been weeding behind their fences or working on their car and the emerged having heard everything. Besides, there’s something it bit unpleasant about walking down the street and audibly commenting on whether you like people’s houses or not.

Ditto talking about the staff without caring that their colleague could overhear (and he was probably worried about what you’d say next).

I’m not sure I would describe it as self confidence. I think it’s more a type of insensitivity, being very careless if people might hear you judging their house or gossiping about what they’re doing.

I wouldn’t like it either I’m afraid.

His flouncing is odd but I have done similar but for very different reasons and it’s so I cool off rather than arguing. I wouldn’t mind any of what you did but if it bothers him I can’t say he’s in the wrong. I stop talking when the waiter collects or delivers the plates of food, so I can thank them and just generally not be rude. I’d probably comment on a house or two but not every house and it probably annoyed him. Wrong way to go about it but his feelings aren’t wrong, it can be rude especially if heard. I tend to stare without noticing and my partner tells me so I’m aware, he finds it really rude whereas I don’t but I see his point so wouldn’t get annoyed. If this is out of character for him I’d ask to talk, I wouldn’t do what you are which is to keep going on about it in a passive way, just ask to talk and actually hear him out. Not sure why you couldn’t have ordered? I would have and would have gone outside and asked for the money, walking home to get your purse then walk out again was also odd.

Vivienemary, but it was DH's idea to go to the cafe and kill two birds with one stone. And we didn't campaign at all, it was just a very casual chat honestly that developed naturally.

He is acting like an idiot yes, unless you were speaking very loud and embarrassing him which you say you weren't. I would let him cool off. I agree that if your DS wants a job he should be the one asking for one. I also question whether he should be getting one in the same place as his sister.

"it was DH's idea to go to the cafe and kill two birds with one stone."

Why was it agreed to though-instead of saying that your son should take himself there sometime?

He's not pissed off because he wanted to ask about work for your son & you did??!!

DS and I weren't commenting on every house we passed, just a few, and this was mixed up with chatting about lots of other general stuff really. And we honestly couldn't have been overheard, because the front gardens were very long and open to the road, no where for the owners to be concealed really.

Okay, I get that this must have really irritated him, but I really feel he needs to get over himself and stop being so precious and relax a bit. His reaction was completely over the top and far more socially embarrassing and indiscreet than anything I said surely?

OP my DS is like this. Whenever we go anywhere if anyone approaches we must stop talking. It's a kind of paranoia. DS thinks people are judging him and is always worried about showing "correct" behaviour.

He does have Aspergers so I think it's part of that, but it can get very difficult for naturally outgoing people to put up with because you're constantly checking yourself.

DS won't be working the same shifts as DD, but even if they did they get on really well, always have done. There isn't a lot of places round here that employ teenagers unfortunately, so beggars can't be choosers. DS has already touted himself (on his own) round anywhere else suitable.

Yes to the overreaction. Even if you were guilty of whatever it was he accused you of, his reaction was over the top.

I get that this must have really irritated him, but I really feel he needs to get over himself and stop being so precious and relax a bit.

If you’re doing something that you know upsets your partner do you think that is a great attitude? Because you say you have a great relationship otherwise, so he’s obviously not doing it about everything, you just do one thing he finds embarrassing, but despite knowing that you just carry on? I’m kind of starting to understand why he feels so frustrated.

If he took up a habit like, say, picking his nose in public which embarrassed you, would you be happy if he told you just to relax and get over yourself?

Ifyouseeritamoreno, it's funny you should mention Asperger's because I have sometimes wondered about DH having it? If he does it is very, very mild I think, but he does get very uptight about certain situations (like this being overheard thing) and also gets very uptight about presents and hates if someone inadvertently sees their (wrapped) birthday/Xmas presents, and he goes to great lengths to hide them. He even hides their (in a sealed envelope) birthday cards until the moment he gives it to them. He's really funny about that. Oh and he'd rather die than complain about food or service being poor in a restaurant. I've only complained a couple of times myself, but he was really pissed at me, even though I was polite about it (the food was genuinely cold, not even warm). He also goes mad if he's watching a TV series, or going to see a film and someone
inadvertently tells him anything about the show/film. He's scientific and mathsy and is an aero nautical engineer all traits which tend to Asperger's I think? But on the other hand he's very affectionate and loving, has a warm personality and loves getting together with friends, so I don't know

Ah OP I can picture your dynamic so clearly. You are the sunny, “get it done” type which I’m sure your DH loves - most of the time. He is the sensitive, even slightly irritable one. There’s a pair like you two in my extended family.
Neither of you is right or wrong, but if you are as I’m picturing, you could do with a little self examination here. Not lots - but just entertain, for a moment, the possibility that there is something in what he’s —not— saying.
Clearly there’s something wrong - with him, I mean - and while it’s irritating that he won’t spit it out, I think you have a pretty decent idea what it is. Otherwise you wouldn’t have mentioned the house assessment conversation that he also reacted badly to.
Truth is, you do sound a little indiscreet. All pretty harmless, but if it’s been bothering him for a while, a short run of indiscretions in the space of 20 minutes is likely to piss him off.
Would it be very difficult for you to make some small adjustments - such as acknowledging the wait staff, for example?
And on his side, it would be very helpful if he could work on expressing himself more. He clearly doesn’t feel able to at the moment. You say it happens seldom, but the communication between you when there is discord is pretty poor. The contemptuous comments you threw at him about tantrumming and growing up - ouch.
I agree that he overreacted. But a little reflection is needed, OP.

I'd find this intolerable. I'm naturally friendly and talk a lot, anyone embarrassed by this should have known better than to marry me!

Sorry but your 'They're talking about DS' sounds like something a young teen would say in the school canteen and if you said it deliberately more quietly than you had been speaking then it's akin to whispering really and it's a gossipy comment. I think it's you needs to mature 15 yrs not your dh. It sounds like he's finding this habit of yours grating tbh , sorry.

As we left I told DH 'We're going out for lunch. While you're out, can you try and grow up by about 15 years.'

I do think he behaved oddly but, tbh, with this comment you weren’t exactly displaying maturity yourself.

“Clearly there’s something wrong - with him, I mean”

Just to clarify the above. I meant that he thinks there is something wrong, or he has a problem with something that you do OP. Not that there is something wrong with him.

As for Asperger’s, it’s entirely possible. It might be worth considering OP, in case it helps you to understand why he holds certain beliefs and values.

What it wouldn’t mean is that you can carry on acting however you want to, no matter how much it upsets him, because “he’s the one with the problem, I’m just acting normally”. You are married, you are a team, and if you plan on staying happy together then the contempt (from you) and sulking (from him) has to stop. You need to start understanding each other around these flash points if they are repeatedly causing conflict.

I don't have Asperger's, but I'm fussy about 'correct' behaviour. Partly because of my generation and partly because I had strict parents.

I appreciate the poster who suggested it has direct experience, but it isn't the answer in every case of 'different' behaviour (different to the poster's that is)

I still think it was fundamentally wrong for you as his parents to go for lunch and start talking about a job for your DS. That's when the problems started. It was just not an OK thing to do IMHO. And then stage whispers from you about your DS is truly cringeworthy. But storming out made things worse not better.

You know your indiscreet behaviour makes him uncomfortable but expect that he should get over that. You're expecting him to change so you can continue as you are. Can you see how that could be irritating in itself?
Plus you message asking what's wrong and saying you love him but follow it up with a sarcastic comment. I don't think either of you covered yourself in glory.
I'm a bit embarrassed for your DCs tbh.

How rude making comments on peoples houses by said house.

YANBU. I hate the whole etiquette think and people agonising over behaving ‘properly’. Sucks the joy out of everything. He was being a twat. That said, I would always be quiet when wait staff arrive so I could thank them.

I dont understand this thread, he walked out because he was concerned a staff member heard you say their talking about him

People with Asperger's are capable of being loving, affectionate and sociable with friends.

Your husband just sounds like someone who is infuriatingly uptight and has had far too many people pander to it over the years.

My ex behaved like this with me (I say that an awful lot).

It seemed to be a control thing with him. He would catch my eye and glare at me if he was 'unhappy' with my behaviour. He's from a much more conservative family than me.

I got the sulks too. We could never really discuss what he was annoyed about because I think he knew he was being a dick. He would never admit to overreacting and it was difficult to identify the real reason - often I'd later find out work stuff or his family were causing difficulties yet he'd take it out on me.