Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Loving your partner more than your kids?

356 replies

Windthebobbinup1982 · 05/05/2018 08:29

Aibu to think this isn’t natural? Most people will say they love their children either more than their partner, or at least equally.... However, there are some people who seem to remain so starry-eyed about their partner even once they have children they profess to love them more than their kids. (Queen Victoria being a example).

OP posts:
GorgonLondon · 05/05/2018 19:33

I would die for my partner and with him, I know I come before everyone else too, including the children. That's how it should be, it gives children the knowledge they have a rock stead base

If I thought my husband loved me and prioritised me over our children, I'd divorce him.

I am confident he would feel the same way.

My siblings and I are all adults, and I know for a fact that we are the most important people in the world to my parents, even though we are all grown up.

Someone who wants to 'come before' their own children in their partner's affection has serious psychological issues that will damage the children.

MyBreadIsEggy · 05/05/2018 19:37

Different kind of love.
The only way I can visualise it, is that say god forbid we were to be in a car accident and I could swerve the car one way or the other (towards DH to towards DCs), I would swerve so DH took the impact not the DCs - and he has always said he would expect me to put the dcs before him! That’s not to say I don’t love my husband passionately - but it’s a different kind of love than I have for my DCs. If I were to lose DH, yes I’d be heartbroken, but I would carry on for my children. Whereas if I lost my DCs? I would struggle to survive without them Sad

gfrnn · 05/05/2018 20:06

I think its partly generational thing. A lot of my parent's generation - say those who had kids in the 60's, 70's - had kids not because they particularly wanted them but because it was the done thing - there wasn't much else to do after you'd bought a house / got married. And it therefore follows that the kids were essentially chattels. Having a couple of children was pretty much like having a couple of Labradors. I think it's only in the last 30 years that many people thought harder about whether they really wanted kids before having them and then, if they did have them, treated them more like human beings.
So I rather suspect that people saying they love their partner more than their children tend to be throwbacks to that era with old-fashioned and possibly religious attitudes.
As for actually telling a child, either directly or by implication, that they are loved less than another family member - sorry but that is just vile. It tells them very clearly that they are a "family member, second class" (wider implication: human being, second class). No child deserves parents as self-absorbed as that.

ChevalierTialys · 05/05/2018 20:13

The first few months after my DS was born, I genuinely struggled with exactly this.

My DP did everything for me (EMCS+much trauma and depression), DS and I couldn't bond and I really felt that I loved DP more. The guilt and sadness were overwhelming. I had been expecting that "rush of love" that the movies insist happens to every mother upon first looking at their new born baby. I'd seen my sister's rush of love for DNephew, I thought everyone got to have that. When I first saw DS I cried and asked for DP to take him across the room as he made me feel like I was going to vomit. It broke my heart.

Now of course, DS is my life and nothing could come between us. I love him more than breathing, which I could never say of DP! I don't really understand people who remain more devoted to their partner than their child but I suppose everyone is different.

causeimunderyourspell · 05/05/2018 20:46

Surely it's prioritised rather than loved the most? I find it a bit strange that some are confident of their ohs feelings - like they've sat down and discussed who was loved the most? I can honestly say I have never had this conversation with my dh.

In a burning building I know who I would save, my dc of course, but it doesn't mean it's because I love dh less than them. They are just my number 1 priority at all times!

AthenaAshton · 05/05/2018 20:56

Fascinating thread. I did love XH, once, but was shocked when we had the 'hot air balloon' conversation (i.e. 'who would you save if the hot air balloon were going down'?) He said he would save me. I said I would save the DC. There was no competition. However much I loved a man, it wouldn't compete with my DC (who drive me insane, btw).

staceyflack · 05/05/2018 21:26

Newyearnewme18

Praise the Lord.... YUK! Much more natural for our babies to come before all else. We are after all animals... or so evolution would have us believe.

DairyisClosed · 05/05/2018 21:31

Well it certainly seems to come naturally to some people. Let's face it. A lit of parents just don't really love their kids that much. I would argue that this lack of love for children isn't unnatural as much as uncommon. It isn't always a problem. In some families the lack of love is made up for by a sense c of duty/morality. If course in others it is not and children end up neglected or abused.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2018 21:33

Stacey
No we inferior women were made of Adams rib and got us along with the superior menfolk chucked out of the garden of Eden. Evolution is a myth. Wink

staceyflack · 05/05/2018 21:47

Presumably... the reason we need to worship our men... more than our children... they are, after all made in gods image and we messed it all up by tempting them with our womanly wiles.... Halo

IIIustriousIyIllogical · 05/05/2018 22:16

If I thought my husband loved me and prioritised me over our children, I'd divorce him.

What absolute, melodramatic rubbish!! There is some real crap being spouted on this thread - people saying what they think people want to hear!

I tell you who I'd save first in a fire - me!

And after that it'd be whoever I could based on the circumstances, achievability & time... Whether that was my youngest, my eldest, my DP, all of them or none of them - who knows!!

SerenDippitty · 05/05/2018 22:25

Ronald and Nancy Reagan got married in 1952. Having children was not a choice at that time. People just did.

TheNavigator · 05/05/2018 22:26

I agree, all these posters trying to outcompete each other with how much they love their children sound like Peter Andre. In my experience, many people are moderately selfish and many of them are mothers. Plenty women put themselves first, but it is easy to paint yourself as the sainted mother on an Internet forum.

notmypropername · 05/05/2018 22:40

Absolutely - children are as a result of the love in the relationship. I would die for my partner and with him, I know I come before everyone else too, including the children. That's how it should be, it gives children the knowledge they have a rock stead base.

It works for us.

Wow 😮 this is actually shocking to read. What a selfish selfish person you are, and yes I agree you sound insecure. I hope your children feel loved, if not adored

clumsyduck · 05/05/2018 22:49

Nah I'm not trying to be a saint , I can be tearing my hair out with stress some days as a single mum same as anyone . I have no reason to lie on here To a load of fucking randoms . I genuinely love my dc more than anyone / anything by an absolute mile . End of

EtonianMother · 05/05/2018 22:53

Same here, Clumsyduck. Husbands are replaceable, however much you love them. Children aren't.

clumsyduck · 05/05/2018 22:55

etonian exactly !

IronMansIronButt · 05/05/2018 22:59

Husbands are no more replaceable than children are, what a ridiculous idea.

EtonianMother · 05/05/2018 23:04

Oh honestly. How could the two possibly compare? My children drive me potty. But if I lost one of them, I would struggle to carry on. They are my flesh and blood. I am a single mother, but I did once love my DC's father. Even then, there would never have been any comparison. However much I loved him, he was not my own. My children are.

WaxOnFeckOff · 05/05/2018 23:08

I've thought about the burning car type of scenario probably more than is healthy. All things being equal and the chance of saving each of DH and DS1 and 2 is completely equal and I can only save 1, then I would save DS1. I don't love him more than DS2 or DH for that matter. But when I think who would cope emotionally better with the loss of the other two, it would be him. He would manage to live the best life out of tragedy of the 3.

I love my DC with a passion, I would walk across hot coals for them, I think that is normal. I would also protect them with my life. They are almost adults now so it is a different love but no less protective for al they are bigger and stronger than me.

I do love DH, he is my partner and we have shared our life for 25 years, he irritates the feck out of me sometimes. We have had some rough times but at the end of the day I am looking forward to the next stage of our life as a couple again when the DC move into complete independence.

SnipperSnapper · 05/05/2018 23:47

Your children should come before anything else, surely

IronMansIronButt · 05/05/2018 23:51

Your children should come before anything else, surely

Not in every single situation, no.

MmeButtox · 06/05/2018 00:15

I agree with Pictish and Concise. I see people who prioritise their family of origin relationships to the detriment of spouses and it seems unwise to me. Your partner is your partner - your kids should be free to grow up and form their own primary relationships, knowing you are secure in your partnership, not despondent at the 'loss' of the adult child.

" Your kids ultimately grow up and leave and get on with their own lives, prioritising their own partners and children while mum and a dad feature in their thoughts less and less. As is normal and right.

I think it’s actually pretty astute and emotionally intelligent to ensure and and equally prioritise your partnership for future times when your kids have gone."

WaxOnFeckOff · 06/05/2018 00:21

I think though that as your DC gradually become more independent you start spending more time as a couple. As teenagers they have other things they want to do and spend time with friends or simply don't fancy always tagging along.

It's a gradual thing where you start to connect again more as a twosome than as a family group. On that basis, I think it's fine to prioritise the children and focus time as a family more than time as a couple. Not ignore your relationship with your partner, just that at the stage when the DC are young is fine to put them first. It doesn't mean you don't love your partner or that the DC don't feel secure.

MmeButtox · 06/05/2018 00:24

"Another question do you love your parents as much as your DP and DC?
If not, was it a waste of their time loving you more than they did each other!"

lol @ shedmice