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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Loving your partner more than your kids?

356 replies

Windthebobbinup1982 · 05/05/2018 08:29

Aibu to think this isn’t natural? Most people will say they love their children either more than their partner, or at least equally.... However, there are some people who seem to remain so starry-eyed about their partner even once they have children they profess to love them more than their kids. (Queen Victoria being a example).

OP posts:
falang · 05/05/2018 15:57

Lizzie48 you'd be surprised then that it does happen that women choose their OH rather than their children when SS are involved. I know through my work of a quite a few instances where this has happened.

Original poster
Windthebobbinup1982 · 05/05/2018 15:59

The whole who would you save in a fire first is a ridiculous thing though that's like
Asking which child would you save first ??

Between two children, yes, an impossible choice. Between a child and a DP... has to be the child. I’d never forgive my DP if their choice was to save me over one of our children.

OP posts:
FASH84 · 05/05/2018 16:02

They might choose their partner in social care situations because they don't think they are good enough for their children or don't deserve to be mothers or can't cope with parenting, they might make that choice because they have been abused or have addictions or mental health issues or because actually it is the right thing for the children. It doesn't mean they don't love them and from another professional in a similar area, it's a shame you see it as so black and white. Sometimes loving them is knowing they are better off elsewhere.

Lizzie48 · 05/05/2018 16:08

I know it happens. As I said, my DM made it obvious that she loved my abusive father more than her children. She now can't understand why we didn't tell her he was abusing us.

And my DDs' birth mum put her partner before her children, hence why they were taken into care at birth and adopted.

So no I'm not surprised. Hmm

DragonMummy1418 · 05/05/2018 16:30

Everyone doesn't have to fit how they feel in the correct box do they?
We'd turn into robots - you must feel this way and if you don't then your a monster and must be terminated! 🙈

I love my kids more than my DH and he knows it and is fine with that and he feels the same way.

Some people however struggle with love and find loving their partner easier than a difficult child.
It's not up to anyone to judge or bash someone for how they feel.

Lizzie48 · 05/05/2018 16:50

I've never even thought about whether I love my DDs more than my DH. It's not a comparison. We're a team, looking for the best for our DDs. It might make a difference, the fact that we had to go through the adoption process, and are now trying to get the help that our DD1 needs for her SPD and Attachment Disorder.

We have each other's backs and we're working hard together to support our DDs. But we also enjoy our couple time. It really shouldn't be a competition.

Angelicinnocent · 05/05/2018 17:46

I don't see it as loving one more than the other as they are very different types of love. Surely it's a case of priorities.

When we were young and newlyweds, our priority was each other and our relationship.

When the DC came along, we love them and since they are small, vulnerable and in need of us, they were our priority.

Now they are older. DC 1 is 19, he needs us less, usually just when something has gone wrong. When he needs us, he is a priority. DC 2 is 16 and I think will need us for a while yet, for emotional support at least so remains a priority.

DH and I now have the chance to make our relationship a priority again and will be able to spend more and more time doing that as the DC need us less and get on with their own lives.

I love all 3 more than I used to think possible and I always will but, I think your priorities change with time and circumstances.

CookPassBabtridge · 05/05/2018 17:47

Like others have said, it's different. With my kids it's a fierce unconditional biological connection. With DP it's an equal love and more meaningful as we have chosen each other based on looks/personality etc. It's deeper. My kids love me just because I'm their mum.
I don't love either more than the other but would save my kids over DP if I had to!

Penfold007 · 05/05/2018 17:50

The children of lovers are orphans perfectly sums my DM and DSF's relationship. They were so wrapped up in each other they completely forgot about DSis and I. Now she's 80+ and a widow she can't work out why we struggle with her. She forgot to build a relationship with her children.

IronMansIronButt · 05/05/2018 17:52

Between two children, yes, an impossible choice. Between a child and a DP... has to be the child

Its an idiotic question either way. I've got in my house a dp and 4 kids and 2 pets. In a fire, I'd help whoever needed it most and whoever I could help the most. I wouldn't stand there thinking who was my favourite, for fucks sake!
If Dp were unconcious but the children could all walk or climb out themselves, I'd help dp first, and vice versa.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 05/05/2018 17:53

What about those who say they love their pets more than their husbands and kids Grin

SerenDippitty · 05/05/2018 17:58

The children of lovers are orphans perfectly sums my DM and DSF's relationship. They were so wrapped up in each other they completely forgot about DSis and I. Now she's 80+ and a widow she can't work out why we struggle with her. She forgot to build a relationship with her children.

It can also happen, especially if a couple has children very early on in the relationship, that a couple become so focussed on the children that they put no effort into nurturing their own relationship and find they have become strangers when the children leave home.

Willyoujustbequiet · 05/05/2018 17:59

I don't think it's normal or healthy to love a partner more than your child tbh.

One close friend appears to and I think she's a damaged, selfish individual.

I would be horrified to be valued over my dc. It's not right and not the natural order.

Blaablaablaa · 05/05/2018 18:03

@willyou that's an incredibly loaded and judgemental response.

What about loving them equally?

Richdebtomdom · 05/05/2018 18:09

Your children will leave... hubby stays...

Burning car? I’d save both...

‘I don’t believe in the no win scenario...’ JT Kirk...

Willyoujustbequiet · 05/05/2018 18:11

No it's just my opinion based on my own family background, experiences and social circle.

No I don't believe in loving a partner and child equally. It's a different love. A love for a child is unconditional. A partner can be a best friend or even a soulmate but people can remarry. I've seen grief up close many times and nothing compares.

Most parents would sacrifice themselves for their child but not necessarily for their partner.

JustDanceAddict · 05/05/2018 18:13

Kids first without doubt

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 05/05/2018 18:16

No, I love my husband but relationships break down all the time. If my babies died (and tbf- they are babies so I haven’t quite experienced the natural independance thing) I would do a Caitlin Moran.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 05/05/2018 18:20

Not everyone has the same desire for children though. If someone has had children and realised it was a mistake for them personally, or were talked in to it, etc, then they presumably won't feel the same level of love as someone whose entire life has been about a desperate desire to be a parent.

Some people genuinely don't like or enjoy being around children and have zero desire to ever have one. What annoys me is when people do that whole "you can't love an animal as much as a person" or "you don't know true love until you have a child" bullshit. It is absolutely possible, depending on who you are, your priorities, desires etc, to love an animal as much as a person, or to feel just as much love for a partner as others do a child.

Love is far more complex than just being a table, kids top, partners, family, friends etc, there is no absolute order, its all subjective, and thats totally OK.

Blaablaablaa · 05/05/2018 18:20

@willyou I really disagree. It's a different love but I love my DH and DS equally and this is what makes our family unit so strong.

Bluntness100 · 05/05/2018 18:31

I would hope when it came to it we would both make a stampede to save our child.

If it came to it and he chose to save me over her, and had the choice, it would end our marriage. There would be no coming back from it.

ResurrectedGoldfish · 05/05/2018 18:32

I always thought that I never needed anyone to “complete me”. It’s a ridiculous idea, and I’m perfectly fine as I am. Until I had my children, who are simultaneously an extension of myself and their own little people. My love for them is a foundational part of who I am. If I split up with or lost my husband I would be immeasurably sad, and it would be very difficult, but I’d survive and heal. If I lost my children it would cleave me, I don’t see how I could function as a whole person again, no matter how much time passed there would always be a part missing

falang · 05/05/2018 18:37

I remember reading that one of Ronald and Nancy Reagan's children said they should never have had children because they were so wrapped up in each other the children felt left out. How sad.

Bluntness100 · 05/05/2018 18:46

Yes, j remember reading that about the reagans as well. It's a terrible, selfish, legacy to leave behind.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 05/05/2018 18:46

There's a beautiful memoir from Judy Golding, daughter of William Golding, called The Children of Lovers - based on the proverb mentioned upthread.

I agree that it's so important for children to see a deeply loving relationship between their parents, if at all possible, but it's clear that it can go too far the other way in some cases.

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