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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Loving your partner more than your kids?

356 replies

Windthebobbinup1982 · 05/05/2018 08:29

Aibu to think this isn’t natural? Most people will say they love their children either more than their partner, or at least equally.... However, there are some people who seem to remain so starry-eyed about their partner even once they have children they profess to love them more than their kids. (Queen Victoria being a example).

OP posts:
MattBerrysHair · 05/05/2018 13:34

I don't believe in 'the one', I believe that there are numerous compatible partners out there with the right chemistry and values that one could fall in love with. I don't want to be in the situation where I feel I might die of grief if I lost a partner. I don't want to be that dependant on anyone as it doesn't seem healthy to me. I want someone to enrich my life, and me theirs, through choice, not through desperate need. I want to know that I am strong and Independant enough to withstand anything life throws at me, to know that I am enough without feeling that I need to be part of a couple to feel complete.

There will only ever be two dc in my life. They may not always be pleasant and they may cause me far more stress than I am happy about, but they are my dc always and I will love them no matter what. I can't say that about a partner.

Yvest · 05/05/2018 13:41

I love my husband so much I honestly would never ever recover if I ever lost him.
His my safe place, my rock and I love him intensely

I feel the same intensity of love for my husband. We have been together 20 years and he is my sp mate. He has a life limiting illness. I’m likely to be a widow before I’m 50. I feel truly blessed to have him in my life and I treasure every moment of our strong and equal marriage. But, I also feel that he’s a part of my life, he isn’t my life and I anticipate that I’ll go through intense grief and mourning for him and for what is being snatched away from us. But I also know that I’ll go forward in the knowledge that I’ve had that wonderful love, that my children grew up surrounded by it but I will recover, I’ll make sure that I do. I might have another 30 / 40 years after he’s gone and I’m sure as hell not going to spend them letting it put a dampener on the rest of my life. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone else who is just as wonderful, maybe I won’t but life is for living for the now and not for mourning what has been.

BakedBeans47 · 05/05/2018 13:44

I couldn't survive if I lost my children

Do people who say these things ever think how offensive it is to people who have lost children?

Notso · 05/05/2018 13:45

It's two completely different relationships, I don't think you can compare them.

Notso · 05/05/2018 13:51

At times we prioritise the needs of our marriage ( eg a weekend away without our son) and other times it's absolutely all about our child. To keep the family unit working you need to nurture all the parts - particularly the relationship between the parents because without that there's not much family unit left.

I totally agree with this.

Lizzie48 · 05/05/2018 13:53

I absolutely agree, @MattBerrysHair my MIL was so devoted to her DH (my DH's DF) and so completely dependent on him that when he died in a car crash she just couldn't cope with her grief. Looking back I think she also had PTSD, as she was in the car with him. She kept talking about throwing herself under a car during those days, and she depended so much on my DH and BIL.

It's now 14 years later and she's doing much better now, but I wouldn't ever want to put my DDs in that position. As (hopefully!) fully independent adults they'll have their own lives, and will be grieving themselves. I would hope the same would be the case if it was me who died first.

It's also not necessarily true that you'll have a lot of years with your partner once your children have grown up. My F died 20 years ago and my DM has had to face the consequences of putting him on a pedestal when we were growing up. DSis and I can barely cope with being in the same room as her.

Turnocks34 · 05/05/2018 13:56

I am absolutely, completely in love and devoted to my OH. But if it ever came down to it, and I had a choice between one of my kids, and him, I’d be a widow, nothing trumps my love for them, it’s animilistic I guess.

Dozer · 05/05/2018 14:02

“I honestly would never ever recover if I ever lost him”.

That’s unhealthy.

Bluntness100 · 05/05/2018 14:11

I'm curious though, for the people like newme, if their parents did what they are doing. Putting themselves before their children. Expecting to be loved more than them.

I wonder if they grew up in that environment and are in turn doing it to their own kids, or if they grew up knowing they are loved equally as a family unit, of even primarily, but somehow they disfunctioned along the way and can't give the same love to their own children.

I'm also curious what causes it. Is it the ultimate selfishness , is it insecurity, low self esteem. What causes someone to wish to be loved more than their own child.

LunaTrap · 05/05/2018 14:15

I love my kids more than anyone including my partner. There are many things he could do that would stop me loving him anymore but I can't imagine anything that would stop me loving my kids.

My mother died very young. My Dad was undoubtedly heartbroken but he moved on and remarried within a couple of years and has had a strong second marriage for over 3 decades and a very happy life. My maternal grandparents never got over the loss of their daughter and it undoubtedly shortened my grandfather's life.

SilverDoe · 05/05/2018 14:16

Bluntness I agree. It's very off putting to see someone verbalize this. I am secure in my love for my partner and my partner's love for me. Seeing how much he loves our children only increases my admiration for him, and I know he loves me all the more for bringing them into the world and being the mother of his children. It doesn't threaten me in the slightest.

Robin233 · 05/05/2018 14:17

When the kids were little I loved them just 'marginally' more than Dh - I absolutely loved / love dh to bits.
Now the kids are grown it's him.
I did find it odd but reading these posts it's seem a lot people feel this way.
It's got to be healthy.
I certainly wasn't spending loads of time with my parents at their age lol.

elderflowerandrose · 05/05/2018 14:18

Can’t compare the love but would pick dc over anything or anyone.

Original poster
Windthebobbinup1982 · 05/05/2018 14:18

I don't know why people compare it. The love I have for my husband is totally different to the love I have for my children. Why try to measure it?

Yes, I accept they’re different and it’s not really healthy to measure it either way... but people do. The question I have is if there was a fire, who would you safe first?

OP posts:
ILikeMyChickenFried · 05/05/2018 14:18

I had a church wedding and so had to have meetings with the priest before our marriage took place. One of the things discussed was that you should love your spouse above anyone else, including children. I still don't know how I feel about it to be honest.

elderflowerandrose · 05/05/2018 14:19

Imagine this may change as they become older. Adore dh and would do anything for him too but feel a layer of protection and unconditional love that is just for dc

Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 14:34

To the people saying it's unhealthy to say I wouldn't recover without him, it's only the truth he is by far the one person in my life who has never ever let me down.

We met at 6 years old and was best friends always, he asked me out age 11 and we are now 27 with 2 kids.
He has seen me threw my worse times, he has been by my side why we care for a very poorly child.
He helped me raise a ds from age 16.
Works hard to provide for us and Will always be the love of my life I could not imagine life without him.
That's just how it is.
I love my children they are my entire world and trust me I have fought to get my daughter the right help.
We as a 4 are a unit, I love the children in A very different way to I love DH and so it's not comparable.

Topsyntimsmumdrivesmetogin · 05/05/2018 14:36

The whole who would you save in a fire first is a ridiculous thing though that's like
Asking which child would you save first ???

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2018 14:37

lLikeMyChickenFried
Are you talking about Christianity? The Christianity, which slowly erased women over the centuries and became increasingly misogynistic? For me, this is yet another example of telling women how they should think and feel.

Bodicea · 05/05/2018 14:40

I don’t think you can compare the love. It is totally different. At the moment I can’t say I love one more than the other.
Love for my children is unconditional. But if dh suddenly changed, cheated etc. Then my love for him would change too. It would take something pretty major for my love to alter for my children.

CaledonianQueen · 05/05/2018 14:45

My DH and I adore each other, however, from the moment our Ds was born (and it was the same with DD) I knew that this was a different kind of love, an overpowering every part of my heart and soul, I would do ANYTHING to protect them, love! I am completely and utterly in love with my DH and I would sacrifice myself to save DH for sure. But he knows that if I had to choose to protect my DC or him I would choose my dc and I would expect him to do the same! It isn't that I love him less, it is that our children are the most precious thing in the world to both of us!

Admitting that doesn't mean my DH is not precious to me, he absolutely is and part of the enormity of the love I have for our DC is seeing my DH in them, they have some of his mannerisms and similar features yet they are all mixed in with some of my mannerisms and features. To not put them first, would be like not putting our 'love' or marriage first, as they are a living breathing representation of our love and marriage. That probably sounds like nonsense but it is how I feel!

Caramelapplecake · 05/05/2018 14:57

Is it not possible to love members of your family equally? After all if you have more than one DC you surely love them the same?

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 05/05/2018 15:15

I grew up with a Mum who needed to be loved best. As a result, despite the fact that we get on well, there's always been a barrier between us.

Love isn't quantifiable. It's not something you can run out of or use up. It's just an unending flow of kindness, nurture and consideration for the person you feel it for. I love my DCs in different ways but the depth and strength of that river flowing through me never changes. Likewise I love DH to my very core but not in a way I could quantify, and not in a way which excludes our DC. Their needs, their basic human needs that only I can provide, trump everything in my world.

FASH84 · 05/05/2018 15:28

I don't think any love should be unconditional. Years ago I worked with a client who had been seriously physically and sexually assaulted by her own son, one of the hardest parts of her recovery was that she was a bad mother if she did not love her son unconditionally, the psychological trauma that dichotomy led to almost destroyed her. Also I think you just live a partner and a child differently and they shouldn't be compared or ranked.

ConciseandNice · 05/05/2018 15:43

I’m with FASH84 on this. I don’t think unconditional love is healthy for anyone involved. There shouldn’t be ‘conditions’ as such, but all love should be given as it should be received with respect and kindness and humility. Without this there is often a power imbalance. This is the way of parenting, but once a child is an adult this balance should change and it can only change where both parties know that they are loved as people not mothers or children or whatever.

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