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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of people telling me "I'll feel different after I have children"

136 replies

QuickieNChange · 04/05/2018 13:39

After a shaky start in my 20s when I kept getting made redundant, I retrained to a very high level and am now in a secure, well-earning profession. I am also the breadwinner. I am motivated my money, by doing well and by having a nice lifestyle! Grin

I am TTC and plan to have 9-12 months' maternity leave and then return to work full-time (5 days M-F). I have every intention of continuing to climb the career ladder as a mother.

However, without exception, it seems everyone I talk to (family, in-laws, friends, even colleagues!) says "oh you'll feel differently after you have your baby! You'll only want to return to work 3 or 4 days a week!"

But as well as being motivated by all of the above, I feel I have worked and trained bloody hard to get to where I am now and I am damned if I am going to cut back to part time just because I'm a mother!

So AIBU? Is everyone being a bit patronising (matronising?!)?

OP posts:
TheHonSaucyJane · 04/05/2018 13:41

Yep. You MIGHT feel like that. You MIGHT adore your DC but be desperate to get back to work full time. Neither is wrong. Both are your business and your partner's business and nobody else's!

trilbydoll · 04/05/2018 13:43

You might. You might not. I wouldn't commit just yet!

You can only do it if your OH pulls their weight though. So get into good habits from the day baby arrives, don't fall into the trap of doing everything as it will be very hard to go back to work FT and do everything else as well.

Goldenphoenix · 04/05/2018 13:43

It is annoying but they also might be right. It would be less patronising of them if they said that you might feel differently as it isn't a given.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 04/05/2018 13:43

I can see how this is patronising but I think yabu in that you don't think that you MIGHT feel differently. I'd keep an open mind as you don't know for sure how you will feel.

Original poster
QuickieNChange · 04/05/2018 13:43

I will utterly adore my DC Grin I find it hard enough having to give my nieces and nephews back so am under no illusions on that front!

OP posts:
BuffyBee · 04/05/2018 13:45

Quite honestly, it's up to you, isn't it?
Why is it that, people guessing how you will feel when you have a baby, upsets you so much?
It's just something that people say!
Smile and ignore!

frogsoup · 04/05/2018 13:45

The only certainty is that having children changes life dramatically. You can't necessarily tell in what direction though! I was super ambitious career-wise before having kids. Now, not so much. That's not the case for everyone. YABU for thinking you know how you'll feel, but everyone else is also being unreasonable in thinking they know either!

DougFargo · 04/05/2018 13:46

They are wrong to insist, but then again so are you. You've no idea how you will feel afterwards. You might want to work more, you might want to work less, or not at all. Who the fuck knows before time?

useruserbored · 04/05/2018 13:46

I adored my nieces and nephews too....thought it'd be the same with my own but was nothing like it sadly
Going back to work saved my life, literally
Everyone is different though thankfully x

Lifeaback · 04/05/2018 13:47

This really irritated me when I was pregnant! I worked hard climbing the career ladder and loved my job. I worked right up until 2 weeks before my due date, and went back to work when DD1 was 1. The first few weeks were hard but within a month or two I had settled back into working life. My job was contract based, so I would work a 4-6 week contract on a project and then take a month of in between to spend some time with DD1. It worked perfectly for us and I didn't want to work any less, the idea of staying at home all day wasn't for me as I knew it would drive me crazy.

People love to share their opinions on anything and everything to do with pregnancy. You might change when your baby comes along, you might not- but there's no way of predicting!

Bobbiepin · 04/05/2018 13:49

As a teacher I was fully expecting to go back full time after DD was born, it made the most sense financially and to be brutally honest I wasn't sure about looking after kids all day and having more than the weekend with mine (it felt like kid over load). However now I'm approaching my return to work I've negotiated 4 days a week (if I could afford 3 I would). The choice between spending time with my kid over other people's is a no brainer now.

mude · 04/05/2018 13:50

I adore my children, I love working full time. I miss my children, and wish I could be at home with them every day, but want to climb the ladder and I love my job and want to work full time. You can feel two opposite things at the same time and for both feeling to be totally real and valid (something like cognitive dissonance). Then it's just a matter of making a practical choice about what suits you and your family. Congrats ! X

ChameleonsInCarsGettingCoffee · 04/05/2018 13:50

They're being dicks who should keep their opinions to themselves.

They may be right. They may not be. Sharing their smug predictions with you is unacceptable, regardless of what you decide is right for your family.

StarUtopia · 04/05/2018 13:52

Hmmm. You may change your mind when the child arrives!!

noblegiraffe · 04/05/2018 13:53

Hormones do weird things to your brain so don’t assume that you won’t feel differently after having kids! I fully intended to go back full time and wasn’t even considering part time. Yeah, I’m part time! I spent a day sobbing about how my DS would love a childminder more than me and calculated how many hours (including naps) he could be at a childminder and still have more awake time with me. It was totally unexpected.

Thanksforthatamazingpost · 04/05/2018 13:55

My mistake was taking the full 9 months off!

adaline · 04/05/2018 13:55

You have no idea how you'll feel until your child is here, so don't assume you'll be happy to work the same long hours as you do now. However, maybe you'll be perfectly happy to go back to work and that's fine too, but I wouldn't make any plans either way just now!

sourpatchkid · 04/05/2018 13:55

You might, you might not. I was very sure I would go back to work and had a very senior job all lined up for me to step into.

I went back part time, after 12 months and no ambition at all for the senior job now.

But that's my experience - everyone's is different (maybe don't be too insistent though .. I was and everyone laughs at me now! 😃)

mummymeister · 04/05/2018 13:56

I had fully intended to go back to my full time job and continue climbing the ladder 6 months after the birth of my first. My DC had heart disease and I therefore spent months in and out of hospital and couldn't face leaving my DC with anyone else and trying to juggle a demanding job with unplanned hospital stays and visits. I guess what "other people" are trying to say - and with a bit more subtlety than I am - is that sometimes your plans don't work out. We had a plan B in place in case I couldn't go back for some reason or I didn't want to go back and when the shit hit the fan with my DC I am really glad that we did as I knew we would be able to cope financially. Sorry if this is a bit of depressing post when you are TTC but someone advised me to do the plan B bit and I am glad that they did. one less thing to worry about at a very worrying time.

nawnee2 · 04/05/2018 13:57

I am like you, I knew that I would want to go back to work full time and I did and I have. I have two under three and they are in full time childcare and thriving. Husband works full time, I work full time. I would like to work from home one day a week to do the school run but that's about it really. Hopefully husband will do the same. Never had the desire to be a sahm

LisaSimpsonsbff · 04/05/2018 13:59

I'm pregnant and people keep telling me that I'll feel differently/regret taking six months leave (followed by DP taking SPL) and then returning to work full time - even when I tell them that I actually have no real choice about this! Try and find some women (online if not in real life) who have done what you want to do and who will be supportive of it - my mum has been really supportive (she went back to work at 4 months after me) and that's made a big difference to stopping me panicking when other people tell me it's a dreadful idea!

Luxembourgmama · 04/05/2018 14:00

Eugh thats the single most annoying phrase. IMO its a load of bollox you're giving birth not having a focking lobotomy. I didn't feel any different after my kid about anything really.

SleepyRoo · 04/05/2018 14:07

Much depends on your childcare. The cost, the reliability, the expectations, etc. IMHO that's something you haven't had to negotiate yet, and it does shape one's experience of working parenthood.

mindutopia · 04/05/2018 14:11

I think it’s just other people projecting. I have a good professional career (though not an especially lucrative one, I’m an academic so money isn’t really the motivation). I enjoyed being home with my first (11 months of mat leave) and I did go back part time (3-4 days a week) until she was 2. But that was largely financial (no reason to work 5 days if can pack it in to 3-4 days) and because it was nice to still have a few days off here and there to get food shopping and other things done. But I definitely wouldn’t want to be at home or even work part time long term! I’m glad I had the option to ease back in so it wasn’t so stressful. But I’ve now had my 2nd and am on mat leave again and I’m quite happy to go back to work after about a year. Again probably part time to start because it’s easier but definitely popping a baby out didn’t magically make me want to change my professional plans. I’ve done everything I said I’d do and have carried on progressing in my career and love the work I do, evern though I’ve also enjoyed my time at home too.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/05/2018 14:11

It's annoying for sure but in all fairness they might be right. Equally they might be completely wrong - but you won't know until afterwards.

I used to work with a woman who, like you, was determined that having a baby wouldn't affect her working life/ career path at all. And it didn't, the first time around. She took only 3m maternity leave, came back to work 4 days a week and seemed fine. THEN she got pregnant again but made very different choices the 2nd time round - she felt that she'd missed out so much with the first baby and she didn't want to do the same with no. 2, so she left work after having no. 2.

In the end, only you will be able to decide how you feel afterwards, but you just can't "know" beforehand.

Good luck - ignore the naysayers with a nod and a smile and a breezsy "we'll see!"