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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of people telling me "I'll feel different after I have children"

136 replies

QuickieNChange · 04/05/2018 13:39

After a shaky start in my 20s when I kept getting made redundant, I retrained to a very high level and am now in a secure, well-earning profession. I am also the breadwinner. I am motivated my money, by doing well and by having a nice lifestyle! Grin

I am TTC and plan to have 9-12 months' maternity leave and then return to work full-time (5 days M-F). I have every intention of continuing to climb the career ladder as a mother.

However, without exception, it seems everyone I talk to (family, in-laws, friends, even colleagues!) says "oh you'll feel differently after you have your baby! You'll only want to return to work 3 or 4 days a week!"

But as well as being motivated by all of the above, I feel I have worked and trained bloody hard to get to where I am now and I am damned if I am going to cut back to part time just because I'm a mother!

So AIBU? Is everyone being a bit patronising (matronising?!)?

OP posts:
Original poster
QuickieNChange · 04/05/2018 14:57

I live in fear of not having enough money to pay the bills or not being able to put a roof over our heads. I have purposely re-trained in a job which gives me a professional qualification that means I will never be out of work. It has been a long hard slog but I'm finally 'there'. I can't imagine having a baby and suddenly not worrying about this any more, when I have spent the last 15 years concerned by my future job security, pension worries etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuickieNChange · 04/05/2018 14:59

I'm more ambitious than ever! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
QuickieNChange · 04/05/2018 15:00

@Wolfiefan "You are TTC not actually pregnant. Why are you discussing this at all? confused"

Because people have been asking me, and I'm not a twat who makes out like my plans are a big mystery. I'm happy to discuss my thoughts.

OP posts:
MedicinalGin · 04/05/2018 15:00

You might, you might not- just as everyone says.
Being lectured about what you should think and do by other ‘well meaning’ people is part and parcel of being a mum though. Use these occasions to practise your best ‘smile->nod->inch away tactics. You will need them!

Good luck, OP

Original poster
QuickieNChange · 04/05/2018 15:00

"I wonder how many people have had the same conversation with your baby's father..." absolutely none!! And that is another thing that winds me up!!

OP posts:
WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 04/05/2018 15:02

YANBU. You don't really know how you'll feel yet, but neither will they. They're just projecting.

I know loads of women who've had their mat leave off then gone back to work full time, happily, because they worked hard for and deeply enjoy their careers. Each to their own! Just smile and change the subject.

Original poster
QuickieNChange · 04/05/2018 15:02

"I was the breadwinner and giving up work was never an option. Didn't stop my mum, who has never worked, harping on about it."

My mum has already given me many lectures about the fact I should stay at home until any DC are 5. She doesn't understand the earnings:house price ratios these days, although I have tried to explain!

OP posts:
DPotter · 04/05/2018 15:04

The truth is that having a child is a roller coaster of events, hormones and emotions. It is also true, you don't know how you will feel and maybe the people telling you that you will feel differently are giving you permission to change your mind, should you want to once your have had a baby. Yes comments like this can be annoying, but speaking as someone who has come out the other side, with a DD about to leave home, it can make me laugh hysterically when I hear the plans some mothers to be have for their lives after they have given birth. It's as much as I can do sometimes to hold back and only mutter - you may feel differently after you have had the baby.

As PP said earlier, you will be subject to all sorts of advice once you are pregnant and have your baby; best learn the head tilt and smile before the pregnancy hormones kick in. If you don't like the comments, maybe keep sschtum about TTC (why share) and don't for the love of whichever god you follow, tell anyone about possible names for the baby...........

pigsDOfly · 04/05/2018 15:06

Oh just seen you're not actually pregnant, I usually read the OP more carefully.

Okay, so it's all hypothetical, so not patronising at all and surely pretty pointless to get upset by what people are saying.

Notso · 04/05/2018 15:07

I do think just wait and see when I hear any parent making declarations about what their post-baby life will be like.
Babies have a habit of fucking plans up!

Wolfiefan · 04/05/2018 15:10

So you've told everyone you're TTC. OK. I wouldn't. Your choice. But if you share intimate details of your life plans people will feel close enough to tell you what they think.

LollyLollington · 04/05/2018 15:10

Yanbu. Imagine saying you'll feel different about your career post-kids to a man- in most cases they'd be Confused. Things do seem to be changing on that front- e.g shared parental leave, more men doing PT, compressed hours etc. But soooo slow and in some occupations not really at all.

Original poster
QuickieNChange · 04/05/2018 15:12

@Wolfiefan
"So you've told everyone you're TTC. OK. I wouldn't."

God no! I would never dream of announcing that. Who needs to know you're TTC?!

OP posts:
Original poster
QuickieNChange · 04/05/2018 15:13

Don't your friends and family discuss things like whether you'd go back to work after having a child? Mine do... maybe they're weird! Either way, when they have asked me, I have answered. And then I get the shock, the horror, the head tilt, and the "But you'll feel sooooo different when you actually have a child!"

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 04/05/2018 15:14

YANBU.

Every time someone comes out with these sexist and patronising comments, ask if they ever say the same things to new or about-to-be fathers.

itallhappensforareason · 04/05/2018 15:17

I'm very career and money focused like you and have every intention of returning to work 4 months after baby is born, maybe 2 days a week at first but then gradually building back up to full time. I am aware my priorities may completely change once baby is here and I'm open to that, however the reality is that we need 2 salaries coming in to have a great and comfortable family life. Yanbu to have the stance that you do but I do think you need to be open to the possibility that you MIGHT feel differently. Your life will change in a huge way and I don't think you can ever truly prepare for that until it happens.

Wolfiefan · 04/05/2018 15:19

So why are you discussing what you will do after you give birth to the baby you're not expecting yet?! Confused
Seriously. If and when you have a child the world and his wife will have a view on everything. Share nothing you're not willing to have comment passed on and perfect the smile, nod and ignore technique.

problembottom · 04/05/2018 15:29

I'm pregnant and am pretty sure I will not return to my well paid job as it's very stressful with long hours and I don't see how it'll work with a baby. A colleague who has kids is insisting I'll be desperate to return to work! I think you just have to wait and see.

Likejellytots88 · 04/05/2018 15:30

You may or may not feel differently, however it's no ones business but yours and you partners so tell them to butt out!
I had planned to take 12 months and return full time but ended up taking 15 months - had loads of holiday hours to use up - and went back part time as my job was shift work and it would not have been possible to do my full time contract and look after my DS as my DP worked full time and was the main breadwinner so it just made sense for me to cut my hours down.
It was disappointing because before (and during) pregnancy I was training for a promotion so going part time mean that wasn't available to me anymore, but for me and my family's situation it was the best option and after 2 more years there I decided the job wasn't good for me anymore (a variety of reasons) so I left and am now a SAHM. I don't regret going part time nor leaving however sometimes I do wish I had made a career for myself, but with my DP now owning his own business I'm doing an online course for accounting so I can do his books and save a bit of money on an accountant but also to feel more useful and use my brain again as 5 days only with a 2 yo can get a bit brain numbing!

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 04/05/2018 15:30

Don't your friends and family discuss things like whether you'd go back to work after having a child? Mine do... maybe they're weird!

Nope! Not unless someone is actually pregnant. Otherwise it's a bit weirdly presumptuous that you will be having a baby/possibly hurtful to somebody who is unable to conceive, and if you're the potential mother introducing the topic you've then revealed you're TTC in the near future and opened yourself up to a lot of interest and questioning and opinions.

I don't know anyone who would discuss this until they've actually gotten pregnant or were TTC and happy to reveal this.

bringincrazyback · 04/05/2018 15:33

YANBU. Other people don't have the right to tell you how you are going to feel.

LollyLollington · 04/05/2018 15:33

I think it's very sensible to have given it some thought before you get there. As soon as I got pregnant I instinctively sought out a more chilled out job, thinking I needed to take my foot off the gas career wise. I actually turned down a promotion opportunity while in the early stages of pregnancy, telling my boss I was ttc so not interested. She was Confused. I had these instinctive gut feelings about what you do with your life after having a baby that I'd just never questioned. When I got back to work post baby I knuckled down and got a more demanding job and promotion. After 18 months of ttc for #2 I am now pregnant again and have thought very carefully (with my partner) about how we will manage as a team both working FT- which like you is the way we prefer it to maintain a comfortable lifestyle).I'm almost looking forward to telling the judgemental relatives who disagree with me working FT even just with one (all directed at me of course, not DH!) when hey inevitably ask when I'll be reducing my hours!

BreconBeBuggered · 04/05/2018 15:37

Who knows how you'd be likely to feel. OP. I'd say you have a better chance of guessing than anyone else. But there's no end to people's nosiness about your family life. Will you breastfeed? When are you going to stop breastfeeding/start potty-training/ttc a sibling for your poor lonely pfb/start saving for their pension pot. Honestly.

BarbaraofSevillle · 04/05/2018 15:37

Sounds like you would a prime candidate for your DH to take a significant chunk of the parental leave (at least 3 months) and if anyone needs to go part time to make childcare/school drop offs easier and a better work/life balance when you go back to work, it would be him.

Is that something you've thought about whether it would work for your set up?

ethelfleda · 04/05/2018 15:40

YANBU I hate this attitude. Made much worse if you do actually feel different and they want to say "I told you so"
I hate people sometimes.