To be fed up of people telling me "I'll feel different after I have children"

[QuickieNChange]

After a shaky start in my 20s when I kept getting made redundant, I retrained to a very high level and am now in a secure, well-earning profession. I am also the breadwinner. I am motivated my money, by doing well and by having a nice lifestyle!

I am TTC and plan to have 9-12 months' maternity leave and then return to work full-time (5 days M-F). I have every intention of continuing to climb the career ladder as a mother.

However, without exception, it seems everyone I talk to (family, in-laws, friends, even colleagues!) says "oh you'll feel differently after you have your baby! You'll only want to return to work 3 or 4 days a week!"

But as well as being motivated by all of the above, I feel I have worked and trained bloody hard to get to where I am now and I am damned if I am going to cut back to part time just because I'm a mother!

So AIBU? Is everyone being a bit patronising (matronising?!)?

it can make me laugh hysterically when I hear the plans some mothers to be have for their lives after they have given birth. It's as much as I can do sometimes to hold back and only mutter - you may feel differently after you have had the baby

People like you are my worse nightmare. These sentences actually made me cringe.
You know that all women are different? And so are all babies?? How patronising of you.

I thought I'd want to stop work completely, or do half days after I had children.

I did feel differently. I want to work "properly" and not be half hearted in it, I want to do fulltime (which is 40+ hrs a week) but my DH doesnt want to stop working either, so we are both just under that about 35 hrs a week.

You don't know how you will feel, so really you just have to nod and say well that is my plan/what I hope for, we'll see.

Yanbu op.

I'm having a similar issue in that I'm moving back to the North Easy soon to be nearer my parents (
19 weeks with twins) People keep telling me I won't have time to miss London once I'm gone. It's been my home for eight years and I adore the place. I'm already feeling like my emotions count for nothing and they aren't even born yet

People LOOOOVE patronising pregnant women and young parents.

"I'll go back to work" - OOOOH you'll feel different.
"My child will not watch TV" - OHHHH you'll feel different.
"My child will not eat sugar" - OOOHHH that's what I said and now they're eating in front of the TV while I'm on Mumsnet.

It's all bullshit.

I went to work full time, wanted to, always knew I would. SHOCKINGLY, people manage. We have a good nursery and I dedicate my evenings and weekends to DS. We're fine.

YANBU. I'm not sure if I want kids but if we have them it will absolutely be my DH who goes part time if that's needed because I earn a lot more than him and have better career prospects. But when I've mentioned this people always say I'll want to go part time. It's like they think mothers have some sixth parenting sense that fathers don't have.

YANBU, I was desperate to get back to work and
my career hasnt really suffered... but I recommend you get a thick (or thicker) skin because from hereonin TTC and pregnancy and mothering EVERY fucker will have an opinion on what you're doing. And how you're wrong/mistaken in their opinion.

because from hereonin TTC and pregnancy and mothering EVERY fucker will have an opinion on what you're doing. And how you're wrong/mistaken in their opinion

This! Whilst simultaneously congratulating the Dad for being an amazing parent because he changes the odd nappy

They can't know and neither can you. But tbh they are presumably all speaking from experience of working and then having children. Which you're not. It's silly of them to be smug and say "Oh you will feel differently after you have a baby". But it's certainly not that unlikely you will. I'd never have believed it either.

My job was a total vocation and was all I'd wanted to do since I was 12 years old. For me it wasn't even that I desperately wanted to be at home 24/7 with my dc. It was more that a year's stepping off the work treadmill for maternity leave just destroyed my interest and motivation. I still haven't got it back 12 years later, although I'm back at work.

I understand what people mean but you are taking a decent amount of maternity leave so it's not as if you're going back too soon.
Ignore everyone and do things as you want them.I do agree with making sure that your partner understands that the housework /emergency childcare is shared,there is a tendency to slide into 'traditional'roles during maternity leave and many men like to see it stay that way.

YANBU - I adore my son more than anything but I practically danced back to work after my maternity leave. I have always worked full time and I have taken a promotion as well since I returned.

I am fortunate that I am a teacher so I get school holidays off with him and we have loads of fun then and at weekends. I still do his bath each night and take him to his swimming lessons.

It is possible to do both and I personally feel I am a better mum for working full time - I couldn't have thought up half the things his preschool have done with him and he's made so many friends there too!

People are wrong to patronise you but you are so wrong to think you have it sussed with your nephew and niece. I really want to say it but I won't

I think it must be very annoying to be told how you will feel after your child is born. It's very annoying to be told how you will feel about anything. Ok maybe you can't be totally sure really, but that doesn't give anyone else a right to speculate, let alone insist.

And fwiw I worked full time from when my first was less than three months old. I didn't change to part-time until my second was nearly 2. And then only until he started school. I would not have been happy with anyone second guessing how I would feel!

OP YANBU to get annoyed with people telling you how you’ll feel. But YABU to not even consider the possibility you may want to reduce your working hours. I think you need to keep an open mind, or you’re potentially setting yourself up for a scary shock.

I'll be flamed for this on here but have you thought of how the baby will feel? You don't have to have children just to tick a box on lifetime achievements! I don't understand why you'd want to have kids if you don't want to be a mother in the true sense and as much abuse I've had on mn for saying that nobody has actually answered the question.

The trouble is you don't know yet how you will actually feel, you might think you do but the feelings you have for your own baby are different to any other feelings you have for people you love.

I always thought I'd go back to work FT after I had dd, she is now 12 yo and I'm still not FT 😂 I have no regrets as they are only small for such a short time and I'm glad to have found a balance between being mum and having a career.

I don't understand why you'd want to have kids if you don't want to be a mother in the true sense and as much abuse I've had on mn for saying that nobody has actually answered the question.

I don't even know why I'm bothering to respond to you but - I'm going back to work at 6 months, this baby is desperately wanted, and I will absolutely be a 'true mother'. Just like my mother, who also worked, and with whom I have an amazing relationship, is a true mother. I want a baby because I want a child to raise, love and care for - all of which I'll be doing. Not 24 hours a day (well, the love bit), but just as I've never doubted my own mother's love for me, I am sure that I will be doing all those things. I won't be perfect, but nor is any mother, whether or not she works outside the home.

Is my husband going to be a true father? Because he's going to work too.

Don't let her wind you up LisaSimpsonBff. There's far more ways to be a good mother than being with your child constantly - and conversely (having grown up with an awful SAHM) not working doesn't make you a good mother.

I'll be flamed for this on here but have you thought of how the baby will feel? You don't have to have children just to tick a box on lifetime achievements! I don't understand why you'd want to have kids if you don't want to be a mother in the true sense and as much abuse I've had on mn for saying that nobody has actually answered the question.

Fuck me sideways that this kind of thinking still exists. Pray tell, what exactly is a "mother in the true sense"? I'd love to hear it...

Ok so you'll be raising a child? A child that's in childcare 50 hours a week? Presumably said child will be sleeping during the night so your waking hours will be limited.
I work I have to but I've cut back so I can spend as much time with my child as possible full time childcare for a one year old saddens me I won't apologise for that.

Oh and OP - I love my job, I went back to work when both DSs were 4 months old and have continued to work full time in my professional career.

All of us very happy and thriving.

Yes stroke it still exists putting your child first. Fucking radical isn't it??

@Bobbiepin " I wasn't sure about looking after kids all day and having more than the weekend with mine (it felt like kid over load)." did you plan on having children? And if so, why would you do that if the thought of spending more than the weekend with them would feel like too much?? this makes no sense to me...

Glass you NEVER here a father who works full time described as "not a father in true sense" so why is it different for women? We are in 2018 and it's sad that these things are still being said about women.

In what way is working "not putting your child first?" - oh wait. I get it. To be a mother "in the true sense" you have to martyr yourself on the alter of sanctimommy yes and not follow your own dreams anymore, that about right??

I didn't stop being a person with my own desires the second I pushed 2 humans out of my vagina.

You must be hard of thinking if you believe this is the only one true path for women once they become mothers.

Thanks statistically - as I said, I don't even know why I bothered responding to her goadiness! At 30 weeks pregnant, hot and grumpy, I can find plenty of other things to get worked up about!