To be fed up of people telling me "I'll feel different after I have children"

[QuickieNChange]

After a shaky start in my 20s when I kept getting made redundant, I retrained to a very high level and am now in a secure, well-earning profession. I am also the breadwinner. I am motivated my money, by doing well and by having a nice lifestyle!

I am TTC and plan to have 9-12 months' maternity leave and then return to work full-time (5 days M-F). I have every intention of continuing to climb the career ladder as a mother.

However, without exception, it seems everyone I talk to (family, in-laws, friends, even colleagues!) says "oh you'll feel differently after you have your baby! You'll only want to return to work 3 or 4 days a week!"

But as well as being motivated by all of the above, I feel I have worked and trained bloody hard to get to where I am now and I am damned if I am going to cut back to part time just because I'm a mother!

So AIBU? Is everyone being a bit patronising (matronising?!)?

It’s no-one else’s business and if you want to work 5 days then work 5 days.
However they might be meaning ‘you’ll only want to work 3-4 days’ is ‘you might be knackered and as much as you’d want to work 5 days it might be v tiring’. But then again you might get a baby who enjoys their sleep so you can fully enjoy being back at work FT.

What tooke most by surprise after having DD was that I didn't change at all. I thought I'd become a 'mum' and suddenly start enjoying being at home all day. In fact I missed work desperately and got very depressed while on maternity leave. The week I went back to work after 10 months I felt like I was coming back to life again. Everyone's different though. You'll find with pregnancy and motherhood that everyone has an opinion so this is good practice in ignoring them all.

But grass your views haven't been about women choosing the path they wish to choose. Your view on this thread has been about women not being "true Mothers" if they choose to go back to work full time. All because they have a vagina and give birth

You might feel differently.

I thought I wouldn't want to go back yo work after ds. Turns out I couldn't wait to get back!

You may find your desire for a 'nice lifestyle' curbed by the cost of full time childcare. It's cost us over £60k over the years and I never returned full time.

True mothers?? PAH

I was about a million times closer to my Dad than my Mum growing up. My Dad worked full time - including some night shifts. My mum was a SAHP. Even now I am not close to her. I completely believe that quality is more important than quantity when it comes to spending time with your children.

It’s odd how nobody ever thinks men will feel different after having a baby?

I do think many women find full time hard because they also carry the burden of childcare and housework at home. It’s women who do the nursery pick ups, that are expected to take days off for sickness and nativity plays.

So naturally the woman’s career stalls as she isn’t seen as committed.

O/p full time is fine. I work full time, my dh works part time. I didn't feel any different about working ft after kids, but i might have chosen to go part time purely to fit in work, kids, housework, bills etc. Without dh doing nursery and school runs and picking up the housework- not just “helping out”, but sharing the mental load too, i don’t think it would have been sustainable.

You're going to feel differently about some things once you've given birth OP. That's inevitable. But maternity leave and working won't necessarily be amongst them.

Also, you send your child to childcare two whole days a week glassofred? Tsk tsk. I'm judging you. You're not a real mother. Some of us manage to combine work with no day orphanages, you appalling human being. I'm not judging your kids father though because having a dick means you can do what you like.

I wonder how glassofred feels about men working PT so being the main carer?

Bluebug as I've said parents don't let your complex about equality effect your literacy sweet.

OP I was v similar to you, including being very annoyed at people who told me "things would be different" wrt my attitude to my career after I had kids (am a lawyer).

For various reasons I didn't end up going back to my job after DC1 - as a result I had a bit of a confidence crises & ended up in a part time role - still lawyering but not as interesting or as senior as the job I'd left. I hated it and left after 7 months for a FT job. DH and I both work FT in fairly demanding jobs, I travel about once a month for mine.

What I will say is that my ambition didn't change but my attitude did. I wasn't prepared to hang around the office or go to endless work drinks for the sake of presenteeism because that was the done thing (I.e. The thing that middle aged male managers with stay at home wives expected). I'm much more of a ruthless prioritiser now, and I think more productive at work than I was pre DC.

My top tip is to find an organisation with a really good flexible work policy. I work 1 day a week from home but essentially have full flexibility to manage my work schedule. It makes a huge difference (cuts down commute time, means I can do a bit of laundry between work, gives me a bit more time with DS at each end of the day).

Also get the best Childcare you can afford (we have a nanny 2 days a week which gives a lots more flexibility) and make sure your DP pulls his weight. Sleep deprivation is a killer and if your partner is being a lazy twat who "just doesn't wake up when the baby cries" it makes FT work a lot harder voice of bitter experience (he is much improved now 🙄)