To be fed up of people telling me "I'll feel different after I have children"

[QuickieNChange]

After a shaky start in my 20s when I kept getting made redundant, I retrained to a very high level and am now in a secure, well-earning profession. I am also the breadwinner. I am motivated my money, by doing well and by having a nice lifestyle!

I am TTC and plan to have 9-12 months' maternity leave and then return to work full-time (5 days M-F). I have every intention of continuing to climb the career ladder as a mother.

However, without exception, it seems everyone I talk to (family, in-laws, friends, even colleagues!) says "oh you'll feel differently after you have your baby! You'll only want to return to work 3 or 4 days a week!"

But as well as being motivated by all of the above, I feel I have worked and trained bloody hard to get to where I am now and I am damned if I am going to cut back to part time just because I'm a mother!

So AIBU? Is everyone being a bit patronising (matronising?!)?

Tulip women still give birth! Biologically we aren't the same and never will be! Whilst I agree that fathers absolutely can and are the sahp in a lot of cases it is usually the woman who is and who usually wants to be! That is not my argument I don't like young babies in full time childcare it just doesn't sit well with me to have a baby and then resume the life you had before they arrived. Oh and for the record I do work. My daughter attends nursery 2 days a week not 5. I planned and cut back to make this possible.

Glass I took five years off work when my babies arrived - I can criticise you and your 2 days a week for a bit if you’d like?

How would it make you feel if I said you weren’t a proper mother?

ARGH drawn back in...

That is not my argument I don't like young babies in full time childcare it just doesn't sit well with me to have a baby and then resume the life you had before they arrived.

Do you really think working parents just live the life they had before children? I don't have a baby yet and I know how stupid that is!

Lisa it's not goadiness just because you don't agree with it and stoke no I don't believe this is all women should aspire to absolutely not. But whilst children are in their formative years then yes I'm sorry parents both parents need to put themselves on the back burner.

So what if women give birth? The child is still equally the mothers and the fathers child who both have equal responsibility to bring that child up. A mother carries that child for 9 months yes, then needs time to recover from birthing. But once that child is born the responsibility is equally that of the mother and father. So if a woman decides to go to work full time once she has recovered from childbirth then so be it. Men have been doing it forever without judgement so women can too.

You're argument is outdated and has no place in 2018.

No lisa I don't think parents should live the life they had before they have children that's my point!! And as you said you've not had children yet so come back when you have eh?

I think people who work full time and have kids don't have the same life they had pre children. There is a vast difference in working full time pre-kids and working full time post-kids. No one is saying they want the life they had before kids when they work full time. If anything it's a harder choice to make. But glass your issue seems to be parents, Mother's in particular, should not go back to work full time.

Oh god, as well as having incredibly outdated views on gender you also lack basic comprehension skills.

YANBU. The deep sexism inherent in these assumptions really annoys me. As PPs have said, has any man ever been asked whether he plans to return to work full-time after his child is born? I'm going to go out on a limb and say nope. The idea that women must devote their lives to their children, sacrificing their careers along the way, is worth challenging.

My career is as important as my husband's. We aren't motivated by earning huge salaries (as academics, we are never going to be paid vast amounts, more's the pity). But I'll be damned if I'm going to give up the position I have worked hard for and find deeply satisfying.

Of course, some people do change their minds about their careers or adjust their schedules to find a better work-life balance. But the automatic assumption that women should put their careers on hold when they have children is so insidious.

The deep sexism inherent in these assumptions really annoys me. As PPs have said, has any man ever been asked whether he plans to return to work full-time after his child is born?

Ah, the deep inherent sexism that is biological reality. How terrible of people to actually voice it!

It's a biological reality that women shouldn't return to work full time after having a baby? You don't say. And yet, many women all over the world manage it quite easily. They must all be biological anomalies. Alert the media!

Wtf does biological reality have to do with it??

Christ, if you can't work it out there really is no hope for you!

Well, you're inferring that because biology dictates a woman births a child, that therefore the impetus is on her to be primary caregiver.....

IS that what you're inferring? Just so I'm clear?

I’m old enough to have had just 18 weeks mat leave with DC 1 & 2. Like you I was the higher earner, (just, in my case) and the mortgage needed paying. It wasn’t actually a choice.

As I worked with like minded people I didn’t feel judged. Not until the DC started school and I couldn’t read in class, do play dates or attend coffee mornings. I couldn’t give a shit about the yummy mummies oh you werrrk sneering, but I must admit I did start to feel guilty when the DC wanted me there at sport days etc. And that’s why i’d Keep an open mind OP.

It’s not babies that guilt trip you, it’s primary age DC. If you are able to, you might find some flexible working is actually a good option.

Oh, I hate the attitude OP got! I went back to work a bit sooner than planned with DD - have massive respect for SAHMs, couldn't do it myself for long term! People need to understand just because they feel a certain way, or even a lot of people feel a certain way, not everyone will feel that way.

The other thing is, how can we bring up our daughters by encouraging them to do well in their education and get a good job and teach them they are equal to men then at the same time have the attitude that they must give that up (because let's face it, putting it on the back burner in some cases is career suicide) when they become a mother but their man doesn't have to?

It's so fucking backwards!!

You cannot say to your daughter " yes you are equal to men" then insist they put their career on hold to be a "true " mother and say oh but the father of your child doesn't have to, he can carry on with his career as before.

In my experience many women who were very career focused before having kids unexpectedly found that their priorities changed completely after baby appeared. Work, career, status, success all seemed much less important. Completely irrelevant in some case.

This may not be a PC or feminist thing to say, but this is a significant factor in the ‘gender pay gap’.

It is ossicle to adore your child and want to work, as you will no doubt show to the narrow minded people who have been” advising” you.
Sit smugly in the knowledge that you are right, and watch them vaguely notice that you are made of different stuff to them on a year’s time.
Enjoy your birth and your baby.

There's something weird that I never really experienced until my 30s - maybe because that's when most of my peers starting marrying and having kids- where you start to feel really judged by people - and maybe judge each other a little bit. The idea that different things could work for different setups and that everyone is ultimately trying to do what's best for their families in their circumstances just doesn't appear to occur to some people. It's like a PP said to the goady person - does she rank above you because she didn't work when her kids were little whereas you 'abandoned' them for 2 days a week? It's just really mind boggling self-justifying weirdness. Maybe stems from people projecting onto others because they start to doubt whether they did the right thing themselves? Be confident in the choices you make, people! Yes, remain flexible and review whether it still suits you best, but don't let the judgy pants brigade get you down!

The amount of people saying no judgement! If you don't want to hear opinions different than your own have confidence in your own beliefs and don't come on a public forum! For Christ sake

No need for faces! If you're views are outdated and sexist then you'll be called out on it 🤷🏼‍♀️

But it can be hard to build up te confident to ignore it if everyone around you for example is saying 'why have kids if you're going to stick them in childcare'. So useful to do an AIBU to hear slightly more balanced views from others as to what worked for them in their circumstances

My job was just as important to me after I had my child as it was before. My sister relentlessly told me I wouldn’t want to work full time after I had my child because she didn’t but I knew I would and I did and still do. I love every minute I spend with my daughter but my job fulfils me in a different way and I feel lucky to have both of them.

My views tulip aren't women entitled to choose whatever path we wish? Isn't that the point of feminism?