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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of people telling me "I'll feel different after I have children"

136 replies

QuickieNChange · 04/05/2018 13:39

After a shaky start in my 20s when I kept getting made redundant, I retrained to a very high level and am now in a secure, well-earning profession. I am also the breadwinner. I am motivated my money, by doing well and by having a nice lifestyle! Grin

I am TTC and plan to have 9-12 months' maternity leave and then return to work full-time (5 days M-F). I have every intention of continuing to climb the career ladder as a mother.

However, without exception, it seems everyone I talk to (family, in-laws, friends, even colleagues!) says "oh you'll feel differently after you have your baby! You'll only want to return to work 3 or 4 days a week!"

But as well as being motivated by all of the above, I feel I have worked and trained bloody hard to get to where I am now and I am damned if I am going to cut back to part time just because I'm a mother!

So AIBU? Is everyone being a bit patronising (matronising?!)?

OP posts:
StoneStripes · 04/05/2018 14:12

Trickey one. I have a friend who couldn't wait to get back to work and found it easy. But I was very surprised to find I could not leave my son when the first year was up. He was very attached to me - but I think all children are different. He's a teenager now and (like me) very independent.

StealthPolarBear · 04/05/2018 14:16

I had the same. I was told I wouldn't be able to go back to work after number two.
I'm more ambitious than ever!

RulaLenskasHair · 04/05/2018 14:17

Agree with lots of PPs here, no one has any idea how they will feel.

But also agree with you OP, why do people feel the need to be so insistent? It's your choice, they could just make some other inane comment.

YANBU.

pigmcpigface · 04/05/2018 14:17

YANBU.

There's always a possibility that any of us can rethink ANY of the life choices we make in future. I think the automatic assumption that because a number of people react a certain way, all women will, is wrong, though. I have a friend who has never wanted children. She's been saying so since she was 16. She's been talked down to, patronised, and generally told that she'll change her mind her whole life. Now she's 40, and still feels the same, people are starting to take her seriously, but I swear it's only because her likelihood of conceiving is falling with passing time. It's bonkers how groupthinky people are about this.

ILikeMyChickenFried · 04/05/2018 14:19

It's a tricky one. Im.coming from the other side where I'm now a SAHM and (childless) family criticise that and my thoughts do go to 'well, if you had children...'

Overall i think It would be best for people to just butt out.

MumofBoysx2 · 04/05/2018 14:21

Telling you how you will feel is a bit silly, since they don't know but you may well feel you want to stay home- babies are difficult not to stay home and cuddle :-) perhaps they're just trying to warn you based on their own experience.

Happyandshiney · 04/05/2018 14:21

Other people are so annoying when you are pregnant.

Some people want you to validate their experience. They want you to do what they did so they feel better about it.

Some people want to “save” you from the problems they encountered. Which is kindly motivated but not always appropriate.

Most people find having a baby a bit of a shock. Having read all the books and seen all their friends do it they are shocked by their shock (if you see what I mean) so they try to prepare you for it.

However despite their various motivations it doesn’t actually mean that they are necessarily wrong.

They might be but right now you have no idea.

It is annoying.
It is patronising.
It comes from a place of love though.

It’s a good idea not to make any grand declarations about what will happen. Because becoming a parent is a whole new life.

MonicaGellerHyphenBing · 04/05/2018 14:29

You do realise once your baby is born you will receive 'advice' from every avenue. Best to develop a thick skin now!

Yes it's annoying when people try to tell you how you'll feel, but with all due respect you can't possibly know what it's like to have a baby until you have one. It changes everything. You might completely change your values, or you might be more determined than ever to continue climbing the career ladder. Just don't discuss it with people if it bothers you so much.

DailyMailFail101 · 04/05/2018 14:30

You might, you might not, two friends of mine were so bored at home that they went back to work after 12weeks and another friend and me quit our jobs, you don’t know how you will be/feel until you become a parent. Having nieces and nephews is very different than having your own children 24/7.

GettingAwayWithIt · 04/05/2018 14:32

You might feel different. You might not!
I'm currently on maternity leave with a one month old little girl. She is absolutely beautiful! I worked four days before I had her and will be returning four days. I'm lucky that my job role is very much office hours only, and I would never be mentally or physically 'taking work home'
However I AM going back to work as I love my job. I'm taking eight months off.

People like to comment, I do wonder if the people commenting this to you are slightly envious of what you've achieved over the years and would like to see you pack it all in before you continue to progress in your career at the same time as bringing up a child?

Wolfiefan · 04/05/2018 14:32

You are TTC not actually pregnant. Why are you discussing this at all? Confused
You might want to work full time. You might not. Wait and see.

Beamur · 04/05/2018 14:33

A lot of these choices also come down to money.
If you can go back to work on a good wage, you can also afford good quality childcare and perhaps other help, such as a cleaner, so the time you do have off, you can do more with.
I was really happy to go back to work, although I did reduce my hours as I had a lot to do in the time I wasn't at work.

TwigTheWonderKid · 04/05/2018 14:33

I wonder how many people have had the same conversation with your baby's father...

Having said that, I was the breadwinner in our family and fully intending to go back to work when I had DS1 but 3 months in did make the decision to stay at home with him. However, I am not at all money-motivated.

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 04/05/2018 14:34

I agree with your relatives, you won’t have a clue what you will feel like until the child is here.

Please, please come back and tell us once it is here what you have decided.

I work FT btw and went back after 6 mths on all 3 of mine. However becoming a parent changed me profoundly and it is one of the few things in life that dramatically changes a person imho.

Notsooriginalwerther · 04/05/2018 14:36

Completely agree with what most are saying that truly honestly you don’t know how you will feel when the time comes, it’s an unpredictable emotional rollercoaster when you have a baby, so many mums I know hat have been career focused or mind set on staying at home have changed their minds after birth and after spending time with their children, it’s really a guessing game until then.

I was dertemied I was returning to work part time after my dd was born, I took 1 year Mat leave and it’s come to an end now and honestly I don’t want to go back, I no worries can’t stand them thiught of being in an office away from my dd which had shocked me. Like pp said, we had a plan B set up to make sure we had a path to go down if I chose not to go back but god knows I didn’t think we needed it!

Good luck with TTC and in your decisions, when the time comes you will make the right ones for you and your family Smile

Notsooriginalwerther · 04/05/2018 14:38
  • determined
Neolara · 04/05/2018 14:40

I was very focused on my career pre-children. As soon as the first one was born, I really couldn't have given a rat's arse about my job. I think hormones played a part. Was a bit peculiar.

I'd wait and see how you feel.

StatisticallyChallenged · 04/05/2018 14:43

I never once heard anyone ask my husband his plans or tell him to "see how you feel" but i got it constantly. I was the breadwinner and-not that i wanted to-giving up work was never an option. Didn't stop my mum, who has never worked, harping on about it.

KellyanneConway · 04/05/2018 14:44

YANBU. But you should start practising a smile and nod approach - you are going to have even more unsolicited advice and anecdotes coming your way from now on. Throughout the trajectory of TTC, hopefully conception, pregnancy, childbirth, parenthood, childcare, schools etc, everyone and anyone will be putting their matronising (good word!) views forward with various degrees of force and certainty. Just smile and nod then make your own plans regarding what works for your family and revise accordingly if necessary.

Ruddyuseless · 04/05/2018 14:46

How you feel now is different to how you feel when you find out you're actually pregnant which is different to how you'll feel in the first 6 weeks after baby arrives which is different to how you'll feel when your baby turns one

Not like you have to make any hard and fast decisions so I'd just forget about for now and generally try to answer the 'how long will you tale off' question with a shrug of the shoulders!

Lifeontheoceanwave · 04/05/2018 14:49

Your life will change beyond all recognition after kids. With that your prioritisation about work might also change. Basically parenthood is throwing your entire life and body up in the air some pieces will fall back into their original position but others won’t fit so neatly anymore because you have added a baby into the mix. No one can generally predict how those pieces will fall.

pigsDOfly · 04/05/2018 14:50

If this is your first baby then you probably can't know exactly how you're going to feel once the baby is here OP. But you sure as hell have a better idea than all these people who think it's their job to tell you how you're going to feel.

You're right, it is patronising and none of their business.

Not quite the same but I remember when I was expect my first DC, a relation of my then husband, stating on several occasion, with total conviction, clearly wanting to give me the benefit of her superior knowledge 'you won't be able to breast feed your breast are much too small'; funny how I fully breastfed all three of my DC without any problems. Clearly not the expert she thought she was.

For some reason, particularly when you're first pregnant, there are always people who think they know best and just can't keep their unwanted opinions to themselves.

Ignore them and don't let it get to you. When the baby's here there'll be a whole lot more unwanted advice coming your way.

LBOCS2 · 04/05/2018 14:50

YANBU. But... I do think your priorities become compromised a bit, if not changed. Which is not necessarily to do with a lack of ambition on your part.

It's much harder to give 100% at work once you have a child - not because you don't want to or because you're not committed to your job, but because you have an additional responsibility. You can't stay late on a whim because you have to get back for your nanny/childminder/nursery. Your child, or your childcare, will get sick, and you and your partner will have a hissed argument at 6.30am about who is more able to work from home that day. I went back full time with one, and it was ok; manageable. With two I've gone back part time because I find the morning running around more stressful than my actual (quite stressful) job.

Colonelpopcorn · 04/05/2018 14:53

I’m currently pregnant due at the end of the month and have work booked in for my return at the end of August (own business).
People are constantly telling me, I won’t want to go back so soon etc.
Yeah, they’re probably right and tbh I feel shit about the whole thing but I don’t have a choice, and I’m sick of justifying the decision I’ve made for the sake of holding on to clients for the future of my family.
I just nod now and say ‘hmm, I’m sure we will be fine’. Really grates though.

Kintan · 04/05/2018 14:57

Out of all of my friends, the ones who were vehement that they would go back to work full-time asap are the ones that have done a complete U turn and let their careers take a temporary back seat! You aren't BU to feel fed up and patronised, but you are BU to not consider your feelings might change!