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Original poster

To meet up with MIL to discuss broken wine glass!

975 replies

pugreverywhere · 04/05/2018 08:38

Can't believe the previous thread reached a thousand posts, thanks so much for your support everyone!

I ended up reading MIL's facebook messages for me this morning. Turns up she wants to meet up at a café this weekend to smooth things over "without the boys knowing". She also said she would bring the egg pram back (?!).

Haven't replied yet. DH was pretty upset last night; not sure if he is actually considering going NC with his father. If so, it wouldn't be fair of me to meet up with his Mum in secret - but she's always been lovely to me and I'd hate for my GC having no GP in his life.
Ugh! Still so gutted over this whole thing.

You have all posted some very good advice so I am going to sit and read through it until I decide what we do now.

OP posts:
strawberrypenguin · 04/05/2018 10:18

If you meet up with her then take DH with you. I wouldn't accept the pram back either

Astrabees · 04/05/2018 10:20

Highhorse, I would agree.

diddl · 04/05/2018 10:20

Please will people stop throwing dementia around as an excuse for being horrible!

It manifests in different ways I know, but when you have a parent in the grips of it, it's fucking also to see it just being thrown about.

IAmNotAWitch · 04/05/2018 10:22

Even if MIL is in a controlling relationship, that is no reason for the OP/her DH to be in one as well.

It is perfectly reasonable to stick together and perfectly reasonable to return their property and stick to an arm's length relationship (or no relationship if that is what they decide).

There is no world where I ask my children (or any guest for that matter) to replace something accidentally broken in my home, not ever.

It is utterly bizarre behaviour.

Tiredtomybones · 04/05/2018 10:24

Flowers for you OP

GabsAlot · 04/05/2018 10:24

sorry i dont feel for mil-she never had her sons back she never stood up for him

that says it all

Laiste · 04/05/2018 10:27

I've rarely seen such a long thread in almost 100% agreement about the basic principals of the situation.

''I can appreciate that MIL is probably stuck in the middle and feeling rather desperate herself ... He was never close to MIL; it always bothered him that she would never stick up for him whenever FIL was treating him poorly''.

There would be very little sympathy from me for MIL under those circs. The shit's hitting the fan for her now isn't it? Karma.

Ticketsfrom · 04/05/2018 10:27

Of course many posters are commenting because of their own difficult family experiences, but those are not the same as the OP and her DH's experience, and that can colour the advice they're giving. Just as my experience of people going NC and not communicating with family colour my advice and the damage it can cause.
So much can be lost or misunderstood in the tone of emails or texts.
talking really is the only way to find out what someone is thing, feeling, why they're behaving in a certain way.
I also stand by my comment that it's human nature to find a drama interesting. There's no drama in 'We went to talk in person with MIL and it turns out that xyz is happening and that's why etc.'

Highhorse1981 · 04/05/2018 10:27

I have extensive experience of dementia

My grandfather and my father. Both deceased.

Both very professionally successful strong men.

It began in a very similar vein.

mustbemad17 · 04/05/2018 10:28

Have seen a few people saying going NC with grandparents can be really difficult for any grandkids...just wanted to give a different spin on that. I grew up with a toxic paternal nan, she was constantly throwing in my mum's face how much she had done for her (never requested), how much she did for us kids (not much) & just generally how crappy my parents' relationship etc was. I watched my nan belittle my mum for 20 years...it was when i had my own daughter that i realised enough was enough. I have been NC with my paternal grandparents now for nearly 5 years, as has my mum...my dad contacts them as & when he chooses but knows that we will not be involved.

I guess the decision is one that you & DH need to discuss, but please don't put loads of emphasis on having grandparents around. Sometimes it is way better to get rid of manipulative, toxic people before they can really get a hold

Hefzi · 04/05/2018 10:30

Sun As a child, it seemed to me that a family was conditional, and you could be cast out if you had done something that others disliked. I was pre-teen and had a good relationship with my GP before the nc, especially my grandmother with whom I had spent plenty of one on one time. As an adult, I understood why my mother did it, but it was too late to unlearn my child's understanding of what had happened. I decided before I was 10 that I would never have a family of my own because my mother had decided she would have a family of her own and that clearly hadn't worked, and I thought someone had to put a stop to the pattern. Thirty years later, I am finally getting help for my issues, after refusing to countenance for years that my disability stems from this incident in a generally happy and benevolent childhood. Attachment and abandonment issues have dominated my life, and it's now too late for me to ever have my own family. NC is sometimes the only answer - but the OP's case, in the absence of a massive dripfeed, is quite similar to what happened in my family: something small that could have been laughed off escalated massively very, very quickly - but the ripples could have a very significant effect for OP's family.

The wineglass issue is ridiculous. The return of the pram over the fence was quite a dramatic thing to do. This has escalated so quickly and deteriorated so badly that OP is wise to be thinking of how to repair things - but after things have cooled off somewhat.

MN is quick to say LTB or nc, but real life is often more complex than that: or it should be.

Pheasantplucker2 · 04/05/2018 10:31

OP, I think you're coping admirably and well done for supporting your DH and not overreacting.

If I were you I'd send a note (shown to DH first for approval) that says something like "thanks for your messages. Understandably feelings are running high for everyone at present, so I think we'd all benefit from some space. DH and I will talk over the weekend, and we'll been in touch soon. Pug and Mr Pug"

Then you've responded politely, you've not closed the door but you are showing MIL that you're a team and the ball is in your court. Then take the time Mr Pug needs to decide what he wants to do. Absolutely let him make the decisions. I can guarantee your MIL will be desperate for a relationship with her only grandchild, so will always respond to a way forward. This is time for your DH to plan that and make it clear it's on his terms. Hugs from someone who is also nc/lc with most of OH 's family, curiously also wealthy. People with money like control....

littlebillie · 04/05/2018 10:33

Tell your DH that you are meeting her, you respect his DP and you want a relationship. You haven't behaved badly, FIL has, please give your MiL a chance she is going to be granny. This will be probably be something you all laugh about in the future.

I imagine when the baby arrives it will be lovely for FiL and MiL to have you as part of the family. I would just say sorry about the glass but the end of the day it just stuff. He needs to apologise and let his DW sort him out.

Bluelady · 04/05/2018 10:34

This man hasn't got dementia. Stop making excuses for him. He's a complete arsehole. He's always been a complete arsehole.

JessicaJonesJacket · 04/05/2018 10:34

If DFIL is controlling, manipulative and possibly emotionally abusive then, of course, DMIL never stood up to him.

I feel like I missed a step in the escalation of all of this. DFIL stated a replacement glass wasn't a gift which technically it isn't tbh and then OP's DH is returning every gift they've ever been given for the baby?

Taking a stance against a parent for being controlling/abusive/unsupportive - I can understand. Tearing a family apart because of a broken glass - I'm struggling with the proportionality.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/05/2018 10:35

I agree, show your DH the emails, discuss them together, but ultimately support his decision, on how he wishes to move forward.
I know this has been mentioned on the previous thread OP, but has FIL always been this way ?
A relative was eventually diagnosed with dementia, after acting very much out of character (vile), making accusations, accusing family of lying, it was extremely bewildering and upsetting. It was a gradual process.
Dementia doesn't discriminate, where age or intelligence is concerned.
People still remain articulate and appear otherwise normal.Dont rule it out, just incase.

Laiste · 04/05/2018 10:37

Taking a stance against a parent for being controlling/abusive/unsupportive - I can understand. Tearing a family apart because of a broken glass - I'm struggling with the proportionality.

In this case they're one and the same thing. The OP and her DH are taking a stance - the wine glass thing was the catalyst.

TomRavenscroft · 04/05/2018 10:37

Beware the enabler. MIL has spent years smoothing over FILs issues.

Exactly this.

I wouldn't meet up with her.

I'd also get DH to send back the fucking glass he's ordered.

What on earth has happened here? Has something gone on between your DH and FIL that you don't know about?

DeadButDelicious · 04/05/2018 10:39

To quote Admiral Ackbar, 'it's a trap!'.

Divide and conquer.

Do not fall for it. And do not take that pram back. Tell your DH everything, refuse to go behind his back.

Original poster
pugreverywhere · 04/05/2018 10:39

Okay, well I have print screened the FB messages from MIL and e-mailed them to my DH. At this point I am very tempted to just follow my husband's lead and support him in whatever move he wants us to take next.

I admit I don't know what signs to look out for when it comes to dementia, but the only real change in FIL behaviour, is him reaching out to me directly via e-mail/phone - something he has never done before. he has also never demanded money off us, but maybe that's because we've never broken anything up until now!

OP posts:
Foxysoxy10 · 04/05/2018 10:39

I think now is the time for you to step away from the situation and leave it down to your DH to decide what he wants to do next.

Imagine if things were reversed, how would you feel about DH meeting with your DM?

I think it’s time to show solidarity with your DH and take his lead. Tell MIL that you don’t feel it’s fair excluding DH and she needs to direct her messages etc to him.

littlebillie · 04/05/2018 10:40

Please don't punish her for him being an arse, remember she has to live with him. Often men get very grumpy as they get older, so it sound like she is treading a fine line with him. The fact they have made the effort to get you a lovely pram means she values you and your DH very much. Remember one day we will all be GP and negotiating an often difficult relationship.

BMW6 · 04/05/2018 10:41

I think the text to MIL suggested by yimmini above is perfect.

elisenbrunnen · 04/05/2018 10:41

Hefzi - I am NC with my father 26 years. He has never even met my 3 dc (his loss) and they are perfectly fine about it. They have only 2 grandmothers, and no grandfathers, and none of them have even asked about that.

I feel nothing but relief that my father is not in my life. (But then I went NC before the kids were born, so they never had a relationship to break up)

OreoMini · 04/05/2018 10:42

Am I the only one that thinks this whole situation is bizarre and over the top from both party’s ?!

Considering going NC over a £150 glass
FIL even asking for the money back
Stomping round to take gifts for the baby back
Demanding the car back

I actually think both sides are being over dramatic.

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