To meet up with MIL to discuss broken wine glass!

[pugreverywhere]

Can't believe the previous thread reached a thousand posts, thanks so much for your support everyone!

I ended up reading MIL's facebook messages for me this morning. Turns up she wants to meet up at a café this weekend to smooth things over "without the boys knowing". She also said she would bring the egg pram back (?!).

Haven't replied yet. DH was pretty upset last night; not sure if he is actually considering going NC with his father. If so, it wouldn't be fair of me to meet up with his Mum in secret - but she's always been lovely to me and I'd hate for my GC having no GP in his life.
Ugh! Still so gutted over this whole thing.

You have all posted some very good advice so I am going to sit and read through it until I decide what we do now.

Oh and block them from all forms of communication with you. The next step is down to your lovely dh, if and when he decides what he wants relationship wise with his family of origin.

A thought about putting too much emotion into possessions......
Last December my v elderly mother was furious that one of her carers had used the "best" china, which was always saved for Christmas.
I bit my lip, resisting the temptation to state the obvious. She doesn't have any dementia at all, but I think she was feeling loss of control in her own home.
Yes.....four weeks later she moved into a care home, and I watched a national charity come and clear the house and the "best" china.

Just proves, use it, enjoy it, don't fuss if it gets broken.

What I mean is you probably can have a relationship with them - but now you’re at a fork in the road.

If you cave, FIL keeps control and will exert it repeatedly. Not a good outcome

NC is there as an option but it's upsetting and drastic. That’s last resort.

Option 3 is to present a united front, be calm and reasonable and have the relationship YOU want. As adults, with no control or nastiness. That may mean being very firm and having the upset and conflict right now, but a better relationship down the line

I don't want to scroll through 30 pages to find highlighted posts, though - I just want to see the OP's on one page! This is possible on other forums, it can't be that hard!

You can change your settings so that there are more posts on a page, which makes it very easy. Mine are set for 1000 posts on one page.

If Mil wants to meet up in secret, it seems the only resolution she wants is to smooth things over and go back to how things were before..... she doesn't want to find a solution that will work for everyone. She wants to continue to enable Fil and brush it under the carpet. Don't participate in the game. If you meet her, take DH, and show her you won't be manipulated.

Orchardgreen That is so true. My Dd broke a lovely (expensive) vase from our wedding when she was younger.
I was sad, but it would have been more sad to store it in a box for 70years and never have enjoyed it.
It’s just stuff.

Bowl to do option 3 they have to dent fils obstinacy and they can't do that by scrabbling and immediately caving in.

OP, MiL obviously envisaged that you would mutually agree to persuade your respective husband to compromise. However, as there obviously isn't any compromise that your husband can reasonably be expected to make, it seems a total non-starter.

I really feel for you and your husband in this situation, as ridiculous as it is to fallout over a bloody wine glass of all things a lot of what I have read on this thread ring very true to me.

I have quite wealthy in laws and we had their first grandchild, they also bought us a v expensive pram which I could have done without. When it came to our fallout my mil wrote a letter to me and listed everything they had ever paid for over a 10 year period (gifts I never asked for!!) and how I should be grateful (and do as I'm told).

Whatever you do op do not take that pram back, it isn't a free gift there's a hidden agenda, you'll get "but we bought you that lovely pram...".

It's a difficult thing to go back and fix once you realise people behave like this.

You would be a fool to do anything without consulting DH as far as his parents are concerned. Don't create new problems by thinking you can solve this by meeting MIL on her own. You presented a united front and now it needs to stay that way.

You're absolutely Right to NOT keep this secret from dh. He supported you when fil went for you, plus you need to show a united front. Plus this could be a 'divide and rule' tactic.

DON'T even reply to mil until you've spoken with dh.

DEFINITELY NO to the pram too. It's FAR too early on for any backtracking from them and could easily be used against you. It's effectively a bribe. If you (both) agree to meet mil and she turns up with the pram, do an about turn. That will be a clear indication she's not interested in your side of things at all.

"Won't be much of a secret if you return with the pram will it?" True and mil (and poss fil) may be banking on that causing a rift between op & dh. She may also (wrongly) be thinking dh acted unilaterally. Now's the time to make sure SHE knows it was a JOINT decision.

DO NOT meet her alone. She's making out dh is as bad as fil which he absolutely is not! Plus she can easily twist what happens/is said even IF you recorded it.

It's not you depriving your child of a relationship with their gp's if they keep this crap up. It's them and their actions. Shit parents (which this pair are) tend to make shit grandparents too. They sound like the type to get the child massively expensive gifts but expect never ending ott gratitude and obedience in return. Sod that!

Stay strong!

Summary (I'm sure others will correct me if wrong)

Op (5 months pregnant) broke stupidly expensive wine glass (containing mocktail) accidentally. At the time treated correctly as no big deal. These things happen.

DAYS later fil requests reimbursement.

Op's dh suggests it be a Father's Day gift as a compromise
Fil effectively rejects this idea and requests 2 glasses

Mil suggests op & dh 'only' pay £60 and she'll 'sort it'

Op's dh correctly (imo) decides enough's enough and returns expensive baby items bought by IL's idea partly being they can return them to cover cost of glass.
Mil says to this idea "how dare you" Baby items were bought without consulting op & dh nor being requested by them. Yet fil said "never ask me for anything again"

IL's refuse to admit op's dh to their property properly to facilitate this BUT fil also demands car being rented from fil (loaned to dh but fees charged) with full tank of petrol and final few paid.

Dh leaves items on IL's property

Mil bombards op with messages on FB which op left until this morning
Mil now wants to meet op behind dh's back AND force the egg pram on them - which they never asked for in the first place!

Tickets PLEASE don't make assumptions or allegations about posters motives. You cannot possibly know what they are. Many of us posting have experience of dealing with people like this and post with the intention of genuinely helping those for whom it is a shock, and who lack the knowledge developed from years of doing so.

@Ticketsfrom is spot on. My mother went nc with her parents for about 15-20 years from my childhood. It has resulted in huge MH problems for me even now, to the extent that I chose never to have a family of my own. Don't under-estimate the damage it does.

egg pram

I wouldn't meet her without your husband knowing & only if you want to sort things out with her.

Let "the boys" sort themselves out!

Wonder how desperate she would be if a GC wasn't on the way?

Don't forget the message she sent to her own son-telling him "not to dare...", locking him out & now thinking that a pram can buy you back!

Can you imagine what FIL would say about that-every single time it was used-if you accepted.

No GPs are better than shit GPs!

Bowl to do option 3 they have to dent fils obstinacy and they can't do that by scrabbling and immediately caving in.

Yes absolutely. I’m not saying they cave. I’m saying they talk together about what they want the relationship to be like - on their terms, with no emotions control or secrecy. Then they react however they see fit. And there may be tantrums and reactions from FIL but if they can stand firm and get through that together they can renegotiate the relationship in their terms.

Agree about united front with DH; he did the right thing by you in standing up to his parents so you can't let them try to divide & conquer as others have said.

Ooh a new thread. I'm over invested in this. Unfortunately we had similar and it ended going NC with PIL. They haven't seen out 20 and 18 year olds for 16 years and never our younger two. Very sad all round really. I know DH feels it on his birthday, the children's birthdays and christmases. Good luck OP. Hope it all works out

I know this is absolutely real, and I’m totally invested and 100% not troll hunting - you couldn’t make it up! But after the second poster shared a link to the egg pram, I did think to myself:

Wouldn’t this be a bloody inspired advertising campaign for the Egg Pram!?!

I think your update is very wise. This is clearly something that's been bubbling away for quite some time and the wine glass is a symptom, not the cause. Your DH has taken a stand to show that FIL is not the head of your little family.

Whilst to the outsider it seems drastically OTT to 'fling the pushchair over the fence' (this should totally become the mum's net equivalent of throwing the dummy out of the pram when the thrower is in the right!!) it's really a statement of him taking back control of his life and the relationship.

If it were me I wouldn't meet up this weekend. Your DH has made a giant step change in the relationship with his parents and you absolutely must not underestimate how traumatic this is for him.

It's not about the glass. It's not about the pram. It's about him redefining himself as father, as husband, as a man in his own right and not as a vassal of his parents. He might not get another chance if you open the door to his parents taking back the upper hand. No matter how sorry we feel for the MIL she's practicing classic divide and rule.

I would put money on your FIL being in the very early stages of dementia

@Hefzi

Can you elucidate a little...

Pug , you are doing the right thing . They will continue behaving like this unless you go NC with them . Good luck and congratulations with the baby .

Maggie

Excellent post. I often wonder whether this isn't just want needs to happen in some families.. What has to happen and painful as it is its normal

What Maggie says.

"I would put money on your FIL being in the very early stages of dementia"

This is unlikely given that his behaviours are his modus operandi in the first place. He has always been like this and the little OP writes about her H's own childhood is very telling.

And what Maggie wrote as well.