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Original poster

To meet up with MIL to discuss broken wine glass!

975 replies

pugreverywhere · 04/05/2018 08:38

Can't believe the previous thread reached a thousand posts, thanks so much for your support everyone!

I ended up reading MIL's facebook messages for me this morning. Turns up she wants to meet up at a café this weekend to smooth things over "without the boys knowing". She also said she would bring the egg pram back (?!).

Haven't replied yet. DH was pretty upset last night; not sure if he is actually considering going NC with his father. If so, it wouldn't be fair of me to meet up with his Mum in secret - but she's always been lovely to me and I'd hate for my GC having no GP in his life.
Ugh! Still so gutted over this whole thing.

You have all posted some very good advice so I am going to sit and read through it until I decide what we do now.

OP posts:
Bowlofbabelfish · 04/05/2018 10:42

At this point I am very tempted to just follow my husband's lead and support him in whatever move he wants us to take next.

I think this is the correct course of action. Good luck, this must be extremely difficult for him (and you of course.)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2018 10:44

"Okay, well I have print screened the FB messages from MIL and e-mailed them to my DH. At this point I am very tempted to just follow my husband's lead and support him in whatever move he wants us to take next".

A good move. You and he have to be completely united here when it comes to his parents. Not all relatives are kind and lovely, why should you at all accept harsh treatment just because they are family?. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend and family are no different.

I would put money on it that your FIL is not demented (he has always acted awfully at home) and has no signs of dementia at all; you are now seeing the full force of whom he really is and his wife has played along out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. She has really thrown her now adult son under the bus in that process too.

WeeMadArthur · 04/05/2018 10:44

I wouldn’t put it past MIL to invite OP to the meeting and then turn up with FIL. Saying that, I would only turn up to the meeting if my DH came with me, that way we both know what was said and present a united front to MIL. Wouldn’t give them any opportunity to get me to influence DH in any way.

And hell would freeze over before that Egg pram crossed my threshold!

Graphista · 04/05/2018 10:44

Jessica - I for one am very much getting the feeling that for the dh this is a case of the glass being the final straw!

However, even if it weren't fil has behaved appallingly and even when given the opportunity to behave more reasonably/conciliatory instead chose to make matters worse.

At some point you have to, when in the op's & dh's position, refuse to be controlled and draw a line in the sand.

Tickets your opinion re others' motives don't give you the right to assume or speak for them. I find that stance quite offensive.

BMW6 · 04/05/2018 10:45

littlebillie they already had a pram! There was absolutely no need for the pil to buy another more expensive pram - other posters have written of their experiences at the hands of controlling pil who use the gifts to exert control.

pigmcpigface · 04/05/2018 10:45

It's not dementia. It's the strop of a man struggling with the fact that his son is becoming a parent, and the no 1 male of the family.

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 04/05/2018 10:45

@Hefzi thank you you for going into more details.
It's interesting to hear a child's point of view on this. I always sit up when I see any of your posts and respect your point of view.

elisenbrunnen · 04/05/2018 10:46

he has also never demanded money off us - but he 'lent' you the car, for money? He wants it back with a full tank?

He's motivated by money and doesn't seem bothered about the grandchild.

Quartz2208 · 04/05/2018 10:46

OP the only play (and I mean only) is for you to follow what your DH wants to do and take a step back. I suspect this is the final straw in resentment that has been bubbling for awhile. All you can do is be a supportive wife

I also think you need to really take a long hard look at the relationship he has with his parents and they do with each other. Reading between the lines your FIL is a controlling arsehole whose wife has toed the line at the expense of her sons feelings. He too has been controlled by them - I mean really telling you what pushchair he should have.

I think you have rose coloured glasses because you want your unborn child to have grandparents - but ask yourself are they the grandparents you want.

Hefzi · 04/05/2018 10:47

Sun thank you Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2018 10:48

Oreo

Your family of origin however are likely to be emotionally healthy and functioning. Not all families are nice and kind and some of them do use "gifts" as a means of further exerting their own power and control over their now adult children. Just because you fortunately do not see this in your own life does not mean to say that its not there. What OP has written here is pretty much typical of what has been written on the many "well we took you to Stately Homes" threads, an ongoing thread on Relationships which is now of many years standing.

Ticketsfrom · 04/05/2018 10:49

OreoMini No you're not! This feeding frenzy on here isn't helping the OP I think. To the original question - was FIL being unreasonable, OF COURSE he was. Nothing happens in a vaccum however and until they all sit down like adults this unnecessary drama will continue and escalate.

catattack123 · 04/05/2018 10:50

This is such a crazy situation, I feel so bad for you OP

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 04/05/2018 10:52

At this point I am very tempted to just follow my husband's lead and support him in whatever move he wants us to take next.
This is what I was about to suggest. Ultimately they're his DP. Let the dust settle and let your DH decide what he wants to do. Good luck

Graphista · 04/05/2018 10:52

Littlebillie your posts are odd. Make me wonder if you are the mil or have been or are in mil's position.

Very minimising of the pil's actions.

I too have experience of "strings attached" "gifts" - far more trouble than they're EVER worth in monetary terms.

EthelHornsby · 04/05/2018 10:55

I think you are right to follow your DH lead in this - he seems to be supporting you. These are his parents and he needs to be in charge of the relationship with them

Ellendegeneres · 04/05/2018 10:55

My dc1 has no paternal family. Whilst he occasionally now mentions the lack of father, he has never once mentioned the paternal grandparents. He’s never known them, doesn’t know they even exist so it’s not something that affects him.

Op, fwiw I think you’re amazing. And your dh too.
This was never over a £156 glass, this was over control and perceived hierarchy within the family. Which is evident with mil contacting you and wanting to keep it secret from your dh but have you take back the expensive unwanted gift- divide and conquer as someone else so wisely said.
Your amazing little bundle of joy needs you and your dh a strong family unit- nothing else matters. That little ds will be born knowing mummy and daddy will do anything for him- and he won’t grow to value cash over relationships, as you and your dh will be amazing teachers in life.

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 04/05/2018 10:55

elise I think that's the key what sort of relationship is it to break up

If they got on the really well with a grandparent.. And grandparent was decent to them.. That's more of a wrench.

We have had to go lower contact.. And my dc never ask after gp or talk about them or miss them at all. They seem them a few times a year and in the past when they're Saw them more my dc complained about it and moaned so what we have now is perfect but sadly ... Pils don't think so and are always on at us and yet Mil behaves dreadfully.

I think posters is right to a degree about people projecting.. But also when I had this, just days after dd was born I wasn't on mn. I couldn't understand what was happening to me, I didn't know mils had similar patterns..I took it all personally.. I had no support or help at all.

We got enmeshed in power struggles.. And it was only when we were forced to counselling that she put it into perspective for us.
Since then I have had so much help with my in laws on here I see this as paying that back rather than settling down to Greek drama.

WalkinglikeaFlamingo · 04/05/2018 10:56

I also think you have done the right thing.
You and DH put each other first and discuss the next move together.

I really hope you can resolve this in some way.

Ohmydayslove · 04/05/2018 10:57

i would our money onnit that your fil is in the early stages of dementure

Do you mean altzimers? If yes well he has been this way since the ops dh was a child.

*please please can we stop diagnosing anyone over 50 as possibly demented. We really are not. Drives me scatty.

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 04/05/2018 10:57

Tickets why are you you afraid of drama and creating a scene. Sometimes you this is what's needed to shake up the status quo.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2018 10:58

Tickets

Do you really think that OPs FIL will ever sit down and discuss this like adults?. I can tell you now that scenario will not ever happen, its his way or no way as far as he is concerned. He is really an adult whose emotional age stalled and stopped completely around the age of six.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/05/2018 10:59

At this point I am very tempted to just follow my husband's lead and support him in whatever move he wants us to take next.

YES

YES

YES

Never has something been so clear cut!

All this little episode has done has drawn back the curtain so that you're seeing clearly what the real dynamic is with your in-laws.

MIL isn't your friend. She never has been, and you'd see that more and more clearly when you have the baby. What she is is under FIL's control and probably very scared of him, and is a people-pleased as a result (but a very cleverly manipulative one - she's had to be for her entire probably quite abusive marriage, remember). She will do what she can to keep on side of you while working very hard to make sure that nothing you do upsets FIL and makes it seem as if he is not also in charge of you.

This has all been happening behind the scenes and you've been unaware of it - now, as soon as something happens where you've 'stepped out of line' as FIL sees it, he's not thought twice about sending you that email about the glass. You are of course shocked to the core as you didn't even realise he saw you as one of his minions. The reason this has worked so far is MIL. She's been the go-between.

She isn't your friend.

She isn't and wasn't a good mother to your DH - you have that from the horse's mouth. She put FIL's feelings over his all through his childhood.

She'll be the same with your baby.

Be to your DH what his mother couldn't. Show him your loyalty and that HE's your family first. Pass MIL's messages over to him, tell him you love him and you'll ALWAYS put him and your baby first.

Let him handle it, and if that's NC, be wise enough to see that that decision has come from a LIFETIME of him being treated harshly...by both of them.

SomeKnobend · 04/05/2018 11:00

A united front with your dh is the only way to go here. MIL is being fucking ridiculous if she thinks you can "smooth things over" between two arguing people without them knowing! If/when this is "smoothed over" it has to be because FIL realises he's been an arse and apologises. Even so the relationship will never be the same now they've revealed your worth to them.

Don't take the bloody egg back. You never ask for it, wanted it or needed it in the first place, and they are dangling it like some sort of reward for you backing down and being good. No.

Please don't pursue a relationship with MIL to try to replace a missing mother figure. She isn't maternal, she's manipulating and you'll end up being very hurt if you invest emotionally in such a relationship. She didn't even stick up for her own son against a nasty dad, she's definitely never going to consider your feelings except in relation to how they affect your behaviour and how she can manipulate this. Your dh has had enough, they've been cunts, support him in his emotional withdrawal from these horrible people.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 04/05/2018 11:00

Imo fil quite simply has twatitis.