To meet up with MIL to discuss broken wine glass!

[pugreverywhere]

Can't believe the previous thread reached a thousand posts, thanks so much for your support everyone!

I ended up reading MIL's facebook messages for me this morning. Turns up she wants to meet up at a café this weekend to smooth things over "without the boys knowing". She also said she would bring the egg pram back (?!).

Haven't replied yet. DH was pretty upset last night; not sure if he is actually considering going NC with his father. If so, it wouldn't be fair of me to meet up with his Mum in secret - but she's always been lovely to me and I'd hate for my GC having no GP in his life.
Ugh! Still so gutted over this whole thing.

You have all posted some very good advice so I am going to sit and read through it until I decide what we do now.

Thanks to user5trillion and. berylstreepfor their synopsis (don't know plural of synopsis) at 9.05 and 9.15.

No I doubt MIL is on mumsnet.. she's very bad with technology! Even if she does read the Daily Mail and this gets public, I am not too bothered. I haven't lied about them or exaggerated the situation or how FIL got on - so if he feels embarrassed, that's on him. DH was actually quite amused to find that I'd posted my own thread; I'm an avid reader of these AIBU threads, but never actually posted anything myself so shocked at the attention this is getting.

Beware the enabler. MIL has spent years smoothing over FILs issues.

When the shit hits the fan, you'll see how nice the enabler really is. Say no to her now. If she takes it well, all is good. You can always reconnect another time. Leave it to DH to handle his family for now how he sees fit.

I wonder what DH childhood was like with FIL calling the shots and MIL gaslighting the hell out of DH to smooth it all over.

www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/4gkmu6/enabler_vs_narcissist_who_is_worse/

Definitely talk to your DH about what to do, don't meet up with MIL behind his back. However it does sound like she doesn't have much of a choice in what happens, FIL sounds quite overbearing. Talk to DH, he may need to realise that his mum didn't have much choice in how she behaved in the past and needs support.

Your MIL has facilitated your FIL being shitty to his son. And it surprises me not at all that your DH idolised and hero-worshipped his father. He probably never had any recognition, no appreciation or encouragement from his father, and tried desperately to earn it.

I would never take back the pram - what if the baby made it dirty? They might want money for that! (Or take it back and sell it immediately to pay for the glass - if they want to know what happened to their no-strings gift, you can tell them)

What would be useful is if Mumsnet dragged itself out of the early 2000s, and put in a feature whereby you can see only the OP's posts. - OR, you could come up to date yourself and highlight the OPs posts so you can scroll without reading all the other posters.

Message back to MIL

"I can't and won't meet up without {DH} and {FIL} knowing. My first loyalty is to {DH} and I won't go behind his back just as {DH}'s first loyalty is to me. Of course we also understand that your first loyalty is to {FIL}, that's how marriage works.

Please don't bring the egg pram back. We never asked for it or wanted it, we had already bought a pram. It's not appropriate to buy expensive gifts that aren't needed like that. You should return it to the shop or sell it in 'as new' condition.

It's not long before we will have our baby and he or she will be spending the next few years being a source of utter chaos, vomiting on things and breaking things left right and centre. We will not be visiting your home during that time obviously as the breakage and damage bill will be unaffordable. We can still meet up, in museums and parks, and can eat in cafés and restaurants where any breakages - which are always going to happen occasionally - will either be affordable or will be covered by the hosts who will understand that you can't put a monetary value on good relationships."

I think I'd still go. After all it was your FIL who sent the email. You can't hold her to account for his arseholey behaviour.

Well done op you and mr pug continue to deal with this perfectly. Don't let mil get in the way of your relationship. You definitely need to stand your ground now for the best hope of a future relationship with them and dc. Stay strong!

Poor you, OP, and poor MiL. I'm glad you've told your husband and won't be meeting her behind his back. The fact that she suggested that shows how she's dominated by FiL and has to resort to subterfuge to try to mend things. Clearly she's desperate not to lose her only child and his family. A new grandchild is probably the only light on her horizon right now, not that's any excuse.

As everyone else has said, your husband needs to lead on this one and decide what happens. A meeting of the three of you without FiL might be the way forward. The Egg pram should be completely off the table - it's become as symbolic as the glass.

Please send the above. ..

OP - when you read these messages just remember that people love a drama, it's far more interesting to outsiders that this escalates into something out of a soap opera and that you fill another thread than you all sit down and discuss what has happened and sort out what you can. It's easy for someone to say 'ltb' or 'i'd tell them where to stick their pram and never see them again.' when it's not their life being affected.You have people on here making judgments about what kind of grandparents they'd be when they don't even have a grandchild yet.

Nothing is irreparable.

Going NC has long term consequences for your DH's mental health amongst other things, it's not an easy thing to do, lose contact with your family, your mother. I know people who's family are NC with them ( because of their sexuality, more than one unfortunately) and it's a devastating, difficult thing to live with.

It may seem harder at the moment to sit down and talk, it may seem easier for DH to rage about everything that has built up to this moment and walk away. But long term?

Fantastic advice, Tickets.

Definitely discuss with your DH, I’m not 100% sure why you’re so keen to have a GP/GC relationship with the PILs though as they sound v controlling and not particularly nurturing based on the wineglass incident and follow up behaviour from that and from what you’ve said about your poor DH’s childhood. FIL sounds like an utter shit!

Of course she will bring the pram back! The pram that she texted dh last night about and said “don’t you dare bring it back”...

If you accept the pram back she scores a point and undermines your dh. Do not engage. She doesn’t want to resolve she wants to divide and conquer:

If she wants resolution it is with her son. All you did in this was accidental broke a (hideously expensive) wine glass.

Whether or not you meet your MIL should be a decision decided by you and your DH.

And as far as your PILs are concerned there should by no Mr Pug or Mrs Pug but only a TeamPug. An united front will need to be presented from hereon in.

He was never close to MIL; it always bothered him that she would never stick up for him whenever FIL was treating him poorly.

Hmm... this comment combined with your MIL's actions reveals a whole world of control and tension in your PiL's family life. I do have sympathy for your MiL. This has probably been a defining moment/final straw in her marriage. I bet all her married life her DH has controlled everything they have done, controlled how their son was brought up and essentially bent her to his will. It may be that she is a victim like your DH.
Now she face the prospect of not having a relationship with her grandchild, she's panicking and finally plucking up courage to go against her husband - but she's not brave enough to tell him or frightened of the consequences for her if he finds out.
It's wrong of her to try and cut your DH out of any meeting however and I don't understand why but I get the feeling there is a whole history of a controlling husband/father and possibly emotional abuse in your DH's family.

'If I could take MIL without FIL I gladly would. I'm afraid it's a package deal though. It's been made clear on several occasions that FIL is the head of the family and controls what goes on in their home.. so I can appreciate that MIL is probably stuck in the middle and feeling rather desperate herself.

I will have a talk with DH later on about this and her messages. He was never close to MIL; it always bothered him that she would never stick up for him whenever FIL was treating him poorly.'

Look, you need to STOP putting this so-far non-existent relationship that you want your child to have with your ILs before your relationship with your H. QUIT trying to salvage it all because you want your child to have these toxic people in his life just because they're its grandparents.

The scales fell from your h's eyes. And it sounds like his father has always been a bit of a bullying twat who's treated him poorly. Now he's taking a stance.

He needs your support.

Focus on you and him and your child and leave this pair of toxic narcs to the side for now.

Just don't even engage or respond. Show him all the messages and everything

Demonstrate that he and your marriage and your child are what's paramount here, not them.

The pram that she texted dh last night about and said “don’t you dare bring it back"

I was wondering last night how she knew he would bring the pram back?

Can someone do an update fromabout page 18 please

Just arrange your settings so OP's posts are in a different colour. It's then very easy to update.

I would advise against meeting up with mil.

Doing so will only enter a communication with a 'tag team' of a narc and the flying monkey enabler.

This is where you bow out and stop feeding them your energy.

Well step back a moment. They are trying to assert control and reel you in.

How you react now will set the tone of a future relationship. You are in control right now, but if you go behind Dhs back, meet MIL and take the pram they are in control and they know how to break you.

I think you and DH need to have a talk about how you want the relationship with PILs to be. Talk about control, the gifts and the strings attached. Talk about what you consider to be minor annoyances you can let go and decide together, what your lines in the sand are. And when you’ve decided that, you will be in a better position to deal with PILS together. Prepare for DH to get upset if he’s talking about his upbringing - I’d bet you anything FIL has been a controlling arse and MIL has stood by.

Absolutely no secrets, no meeting MIL without DH knowing. Your DH is clearly a gem - he reacted yesterday without needing any pushing in a way that put your own family first. That is priceless - I really can’t stress that enough. You look at all the PIL threads normally and the DH is a spineless appeaser. Yours isn’t - and that’s brilliant.

So calm, wait, talk to dh about how you want this to pan out. then act, together.

@pugreverywhere You say that FIL has been treating DH badly recently. In what way?

Do they just rub each other up the wrong way or is FIL jealous that MIL is over the top on the baby issue and he feels pushed aside?

pigmcpigface there is an option up at the top to show all messages instead of just a page at a time. You then use your browser's "find" function to search for the OP's name. It's easy.

“Dear MIL. DH and I don’t keep things from each other we don’t have that sort of marriage. I will discuss ypur request with him when it’s appropriate.”

Your DH has been wonderful through all this you need to stay in team formation.

@Ticketsfrom "people love a drama". I suppose they do. However, all families are different . No family is "normal".
"Long term"? There are lots of people on Mumsnet that have had lives that have been influenced by abusive partners, parents, relatives.
A lot of people are offering support and what they think is good advice.

Some times things are not worth repairing.

OP and mrpug will work out what is best for them.