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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To meet up with MIL to discuss broken wine glass!

975 replies

pugreverywhere · 04/05/2018 08:38

Can't believe the previous thread reached a thousand posts, thanks so much for your support everyone!

I ended up reading MIL's facebook messages for me this morning. Turns up she wants to meet up at a café this weekend to smooth things over "without the boys knowing". She also said she would bring the egg pram back (?!).

Haven't replied yet. DH was pretty upset last night; not sure if he is actually considering going NC with his father. If so, it wouldn't be fair of me to meet up with his Mum in secret - but she's always been lovely to me and I'd hate for my GC having no GP in his life.
Ugh! Still so gutted over this whole thing.

You have all posted some very good advice so I am going to sit and read through it until I decide what we do now.

OP posts:
Ruffian · 05/05/2018 14:10

'JFC'?

I don't understand why posters keep referring to 'those cunts' 'those fuckers' etc as if FIL and MIL were operating as one when it was clear that MIL was trying - albeit in a very inept and timid way - to difuse the situation.

Idontdowindows · 05/05/2018 14:12

it was clear that MIL was trying - albeit in a very inept and timid way - to difuse the situation.

No, she was trying to keep the peace by appeasing FIL. She was still expecting the Pugs to pay up and when she wanted to talk, she wanted Pug to deceive Mr. Pug AND she wanted to return something Pug and Mr. Pug had both clearly said they did not want.

She was only trying to keep FIL happy (as she has done her whole married life, even at the detriment of Mr. Pug) and Op and husband were expected to pay up and kowtow.

diddl · 05/05/2018 14:13

"You can't afford a scan and they are rolling in it "

So what?

It's hardly a necessary thing, is it?

It's not as if Op or her baby are being put at risk!

thetemptationofchocolate · 05/05/2018 14:20

I would send them the glass, but I would fill it with ashes first.

Ruffian · 05/05/2018 14:24

She was only trying to keep FIL happy (as she has done her whole married life, even at the detriment of Mr. Pug)

No, she was trying to keep everyone happy while not upsetting the ogre she's married to. I don't doubt she's spent her married life appeasing this awful FIL, it's sadly quite common on MN to hear from someone in this situation, whose perspective on themselves and their dc is warped through trying to cope with such a relationship.

ToadsforJustice · 05/05/2018 14:25

I hope you are out enjoying the sunshine Pug and Mr Pug and not thinking too much about the drama.

Ruffian · 05/05/2018 14:25

*defuse

Idontdowindows · 05/05/2018 14:26

No, she was trying to keep everyone happy while not upsetting the ogre she's married to.

The only way she would have been trying to keep everyone happy, is if she would have said to FIL: "don't be an arse, accept half".

But she didn't. She was expecting Pug and herself to come to the conclusion that Pug and Mr. Pug needed to pay up, pretend to FIL that they had paid the full amount and do it all behind the men's back as well.

That's not keeping everyone happy, that's keeping the FIL happy at the expense of the others. FIL wasn't expected to compromise, he was being pacified.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/05/2018 14:27

No, MIL wasn't trying to defuse the situation - she was trying to brush past it to maintain the status quo, where FIL gets to be a bullying twat, and everyone else falls into line. This would obviously benefit her as well, as no doubt he takes his shit out on her when there's no one else around - but perhaps if she'd stood up to him MUCH earlier on in their married life, the OP's DH would have more love and respect for her than he does now, because she let FIL do what he liked without standing up for her son.

Different times, probably the way she was brought up played into it, but she still let her son be bullied by his father and she still wants that to continue.

scotchpie · 05/05/2018 14:32

Tell her to shove 'the egg' up his arse!

I do agree with other posters that you should speak to DH before you decide.

Ruffian · 05/05/2018 14:33

No, MIL wasn't trying to defuse the situation - she was trying to brush past it to maintain the status quo
Same thing surely. I made a point of saying her intervention was inept, I'm not supporting what she has done but I don't understand why people are castigating her along with the FIL who clearly dominates or why so few posters have any sympathy for her situation.

DoinItForTheKids · 05/05/2018 14:40

Because she's a colluder Ruffian. You're either part of the solution, or you're part of the problem!

whatyadoing · 05/05/2018 14:42

I'd FIL to shove glass, buggy and car up the highest end of his hole. Poor MIL, I would just meet her, poor lady is probably beyond stressed.

Idontdowindows · 05/05/2018 14:47

or why so few posters have any sympathy for her situation

Oh, I have sympathy for her situation. I simply don't think that the Pugs need to change their actions or try to appease FIL because of her situation and I think Pug should support Mr. Pug as he comes to term with the new situation and the break up of his natal family and as his own family gets to a new chapter.

At some point you have to be selfish for your own mental health and you have to make the decision that will not damage you.

acatcalledjohn · 05/05/2018 14:49

or why so few posters have any sympathy for her situation

She has enabled her husband to bully their son his entire life, and she continues to enable this behaviour. Exactly what should we have sympathy for?

Shampaincharly · 05/05/2018 14:58

OP has not been on for ages. Probably has a life, unlike me. Just looked at the egg price! OMG £1490.

eloisesparkle · 05/05/2018 15:01

MIL may have been emotionally ( and/ or physically, verbally abused, financially ) all her married life.
Lots of posts from Mumsnetters on other threads about women who have been abused or gaslighted. These women always get sympathy.
MIL could be beaten down.
Perhaps when Mr Pug was younger his father may have threatened MIL with losing him via divorce.
Many women were powerless and led to believe they were powerless.

Then again she may not have been abused and is as odd and mean as her husband .

eloisesparkle · 05/05/2018 15:05

diddl
I posted my comment that you commented on because I was Shockat their meaness.
I haven't come across this meaness in my own life thank goodness.
Nor have my friends ever led me to believe that their parents are not generous.

elisenbrunnen · 05/05/2018 15:08

So you were going to happily go for the scan that they had paid for yet you returned everything else - the scan was a birthday present! (And seems to be as much for PIL as op and DH!)

'Everything else' was not asked for, wanted or needed.

HTH

camelliasinensis · 05/05/2018 15:24

Still hypocritical

HTH

Graphista · 05/05/2018 15:25

"theyre not going to say we told them to pay for a glass are they-they'll make up some bullshit about unwanted gifts and being ungrateful for them" exactly. Narcs are VERY good at twisting things (and outright lying)

Mil wasn't trying to help op & dh she was trying to make it all settle down for her OWN sake. She wants them 'back in their box' as much as fil does.

Idontdowindows · 05/05/2018 15:26

Still hypocritical

So, how many years of birthday presents do you think OP has to return in order to not be hypocritical then?

DoinItForTheKids · 05/05/2018 15:40

Yes Graphista. She wants them back in their box because undoubtedly she'll be getting shit from FiL as long as they remain independent. Whilst I feel sorry for her and god knows what her life's been like over the years with this bullying pillock, but at the end of the day, she's colluded in the emotional and financial abuse of her son. Because she wasn't a proactive, engaged participant but one who only participated under duress shall we say, doesn't make her damage any less damaging than FiLs just because he's the orchestrator (well, or so it appears).

Mafrid2 · 05/05/2018 16:07
Flowers
Laiste · 05/05/2018 16:15

The OP has said her husbands mother allowed his father to treat him like shit all his life.

On a thread concerning that child now grown to adulthood and facing the horrible fall out from his attempt to lead a normal life i find it a bit distasteful to keep reading posts about how people feel sorry for his mother. The person who has been at the very least the abusers enabler all his life. Keep those musings for somewhere else surely?

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