To meet up with MIL to discuss broken wine glass!

[pugreverywhere]

Can't believe the previous thread reached a thousand posts, thanks so much for your support everyone!

I ended up reading MIL's facebook messages for me this morning. Turns up she wants to meet up at a café this weekend to smooth things over "without the boys knowing". She also said she would bring the egg pram back (?!).

Haven't replied yet. DH was pretty upset last night; not sure if he is actually considering going NC with his father. If so, it wouldn't be fair of me to meet up with his Mum in secret - but she's always been lovely to me and I'd hate for my GC having no GP in his life.
Ugh! Still so gutted over this whole thing.

You have all posted some very good advice so I am going to sit and read through it until I decide what we do now.

I grew up without a grandfather. Because mum fell out with him before I was born. Because he was “odd”. I know no more.
Dad supported mum.
Your unborn child will
Know no different.
My GF knew of me. And sent money for bdays and Xmas. But I’ve never met him. Now assume he’s dead as the bday cards stopped. But may just be because I grew up.

Point being, focus on what you have now. Not what could have been. You don’t need what ifs. xx

It sounds hideous and I’m so sorry. I would just stop everything for a couple of days now. No messages, no visits, just take a few days pause and see what that brings.

PIL would be dead to me after this latest stunt. There's no way in hell I'd allow them anywhere near my child.

They are the epitome of vile, toxic, poison.

Don’t cancel the replacement glass. Send it to them without an accompanying note. Block them on fb, phone and all social media.

Enjoy your friends and such sane family as you have, enjoy each other. This is just horrible for you but try to find some consolation in the fact that they have shown their true colours before your baby arrived. They won’t get a chance to weaponise him/her, or to shower him with love and gifts, only to withdraw them when he fails to live up to Fils expectations/shows the first signs of not being a mini-me.
FIL is so up his own arse, he’ll probably think you are propiciating him when he receives the glass, but he’ll soon learn his mistake. He is a very strange and twisted man.

propitiating

I'd try to find out why the scan was cancelled and by whom.
I'm sorry they've upset you. You need some distance from each other

@caledonionqueen in the not sure how clear it the law is on this.

Apparently if they argue grandchildren have a relationship with them they can get somewhere.

The only reason my dc had one is because family on my side are sadly deceased.

And our health visitor suggested taking dd there once or twice a week. Dd screamed. Mil said it was because she didn't know her .

Looking back, how vulnerable I was... Health visitor knew I had had very recent close personal loss... And this is horrendous ordeal from the Mil... We, I didn't know what to do...

Thinking about it now health visitor was totally out of remit.

I do feel for MIL a little bit too. If she really has no control over what is happening I’m sure it can’t be easy for her. Not saying everyone should sneak behind FIL back though as it’s not practical at all. If she wants in her grandchild’s liked she needs to grow a backbone. The update about he scan just proves he is a controlling cunt.

Got to page 14, had to comment.

Time is your friend here. Not just to let high emotions settle, but to allow the natural consequences of your PIL’s actions play out, in real time, for them.

They need to see, hear, touch, smell what low contact (or no contact) is like. They need to have those regular phone calls with their friends, with no ‘baby updates’ to give. They need to have a whinge with the neighbour about your ‘unreasonable’ behaviour, and watch the neighbour’s eyebrows lift in disbelief at their stupidity. They need to watch a few nappy adverts, and let the reality sink in that they won’t be witnessing any nappy changes, thanks to their own actions.

Time. Only time works on some people. And the squirmy discomfort of true awkwardness.

And, like toddlers, the pain of ‘natural consequences’ needs to be enough that it pops into their tiny minds the next time they are tempted to the same behaviour.

If this is resolved too quickly, it will just go down in history as ‘that silly spat over a wineglass’ or a ‘misunderstanding’. It isn’t. This situation is deep-rooted, and likely to also bear more rotten fruit down the line.

Balls to the MIL. She has made choices over and over again. Not good ones.

Balls to the MIL. She has made choices over and over again. Not good ones.

SkittlesandBeer
Wise words.

SkittlesandBeer
Wise words.

Your child isn't even born yet, and the toxic in-laws are already using him/her as a weapon in their sick games. They've done it to your husband all his life and look how well that turned out. Please don't give them any opportunity to do it your child as well.

Imagine five years from now when they've promised little Pug a new bike for Christmas, only for them to renege on that without notice because of some sick and twisted made up excuse that no normal person would ever come with. No child deserves that.

The scan cancellation is so nasty and cruel and heartbreaking. Fil is a sick fuck of a man. OP, I hope that you and Mr Pug manage to have a calm weekend, just the two of you and bump. The sun will be out, the bank holiday is here and the worst of it is now done. If you choose to - together - you'll never have to deal with either of them again.

@pugreverywhere I would try to book your scan and go. You wanted it so badly, it’s a “once in a lifetime” thing to see the baby 4D...and nothing will piss FIL off more than seeing you don’t need him and his actions don’t ruin anything for you.

Also please think about his behaviour. Now imagine a young child not doing what he wants. If he offered anything for the child (birthday gifts/parties etc) he could just as quickly whip it away if the child or you didn’t do what he wanted. You’ve now seen how fucked up he is and how upset this has made you (an adult). bear this in mind before considering resuming contact xx

Sunwhere thats where the OP is in a better position, the inlaws have never even met OP's baby! In our case in my in-laws had been living abroad for years when we went NC. They did move back but my DC barely knew them. So they wouldn't have been able to prove any kind of relationship.

Narcissistic parents make narcissistic grandparents, they eventually show signs of scapegoating and pick a golden child. It is not healthy for children to be in that environment.

OP : what did your DH say when you told him the scan was cancelled?

OP I don't know if you and Mr. Pug have decided whether or not to send the glass but if you do I would brace myself for FIL to think something like "ah, everything's back to normal. Mr. Pug and Pugreverywhere went bit mad there but it's okay now. They've done what they were told."

I'm not saying to not send the glass btw. If it were me I would send them the glass and wash my hands of them. I agree with LightDrizzle about future presents for your child being conditional on FILs demands/whims.

CaledonianQueen
Regarding GPs eventually picking a golden child and scapegoat. Yes, my mother tried to scapegoat my dd when she was just turned 7. That’s a scapegoat she insinuated bullied her mid 40’s manchild son. Um no, she was being a typical 7 yo, a bit silly, showing off and pushing the boundaries. Brothers child being male and son of the golden child would never be considered in the role of scapegoat. What she said didn’t go well. Brother and sil had already pushed dd into role of scapegoat vis a vis their PFB. Vile vile.

The scan thing was the lowest blow ever and they really walked over that unforgivable line.
If u know the company the scan was with? Check the terms and conditions?
It might be the money is non refundable and that if u rang up and explained it should never had been cancelled but a family member was being controlling and nasty, u might be able to reinstate?
Or if the deposit was paid already then that would make it cheaper if u pay the rest yourself?
Ring them today. Don’t whatever u do miss out on the scan. Also think of all the money on presents that you will be saving now that u won’t be seeing pil!!

It’s all so sad but a very important step for your DH and after the shock he should feel incredibly empowered. Hugs

Mummyoflittledragon my inlaws terrified my 4yr old autistic ds and(although he was pre-diagnosis at the time) rather than apologise and explain to him that they hadn't meant to scare him, they decided they wanted nothing more to do with him, asking instead to see his baby sister. Who punishes a terrified little boy rather than admit their own creepy behaviour?

That was all my fault though, nothing to do with them like I wanted my little boy to go from adoring them to terrified! Anyway, I was advised by SS and DH's counsellor that it was a child protection issue if I let them near DS again which gave us the kick we needed to go NC for good!

I think skittles post was spot on. Really try to put this to the back of your mind, have a lovely bank holiday weekend and let the fuckers stew. There is no rush, dont jump to fils tune.

Canceling the scan is really mean of them.

I agree with taking some time and letting them stew in their actions for a while.

None of this is about money. Its all about control.

CaledoninaQueen
Wow. It must have been pretty serious for you to have had such advice. Poor little boy. 😢. That is so sad that your story made me cry for your ds. I don’t understand how adults could be so cruel. He was little more than a baby. ❤️

Some people are completely barking though. My friend was friends for a while with a woman with a son the same age as her ds and my dd. We all met at my friends house. The children were 2 1/2. A couple of months later, my friend asked her over again. She responded “ok, so long as it is without little dragon.” Dd just ran around and played, acted completely normally. She is high energy. I have no idea why the woman took offence to my dd. She was never violent, never bit anyone etc. The woman gave no indication that there was an issue with my dd on the first meet. Friend and I were truly shocked.