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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To meet up with MIL to discuss broken wine glass!

975 replies

pugreverywhere · 04/05/2018 08:38

Can't believe the previous thread reached a thousand posts, thanks so much for your support everyone!

I ended up reading MIL's facebook messages for me this morning. Turns up she wants to meet up at a café this weekend to smooth things over "without the boys knowing". She also said she would bring the egg pram back (?!).

Haven't replied yet. DH was pretty upset last night; not sure if he is actually considering going NC with his father. If so, it wouldn't be fair of me to meet up with his Mum in secret - but she's always been lovely to me and I'd hate for my GC having no GP in his life.
Ugh! Still so gutted over this whole thing.

You have all posted some very good advice so I am going to sit and read through it until I decide what we do now.

OP posts:
moredoll · 04/05/2018 18:22

The OP's husband didn't throw the pram over the fence, but don't let that get in the way of a good story.

You're right. The Op says her DH left it over the fence. I do apologise. But I still think it's an action taken in the heat of the moment that's unkind in its effect.

I think it's best to have a cooling off period and then aim for calm communication, perhaps on neutral ground. Do you know why FIL was so attached to the glass? Did he buy it himself or was £156 the replacement value? Was it a gift?

To be clear I don't think your FIL is behaving at all well, but if you could understand where he's coming from that might help you find a way forward.

I do think your MIL is trying to help, albeit in a fairly ineffectual way. I understand why you and your DH are upset. Take the adult position to enable your PILs to treat you as you should be treated. No tantrums! Gently does it.

Banana8080 · 04/05/2018 18:25

Your DH has been very supportive, I wouldn't do anything without him knowing.

Idontdowindows · 04/05/2018 18:25

but if you could understand where he's coming from that might help you find a way forward.

OP has already said that her husband has been treated like shit by his father all of his life.

Where is it coming from? It's coming from FIL being an arsehole that is cruel and controlling to people in his family.

OP doesn't need someone toxic like that around her baby.

Graphista · 04/05/2018 18:28

Moredoll - ok since you're saying op & dh aren't handling it right - what would YOU do?

jessebuni · 04/05/2018 18:31

OP I would be tempted to say to your DH and to MIL that you will meet with her to hear what she has to say but will not be accepting back any baby items nor making any promises about future contact with either of you or your DC until you have had a think over what she has to say and spoken to DH.

DO NOT take anything from them. Don’t let her return the egg thingy. Make it clear that from now on you will owe them nothing.

Hopefully you and MIL can come to some form of areangement where a civil relationship can be reached in future for the sake of our DC having grandparents but the relationship will never be the same. You PIL sounds very controlling and very much the head of the household in the sense that it seems like he thinks he is also the head of toes and DHs household. Horrid situation all round unfortunately

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 04/05/2018 18:40

Mr Pug is clearly a good egg and no other kind of egg is needed. It must be difficult for him (I always feel responsible for my parents' arseholery even though it has nothing to do with me).
Ignoring the whole sorry business for a few days (say until after the bank holiday) will serve two purposes; MrPug and Pug will have space to make calm decisions together and it will drive the FIL potty to not warrant an immediate response.

moredoll · 04/05/2018 18:41

Moredoll - ok since you're saying op & dh aren't handling it right - what would YOU do?
I think I'd phone MIL tonight and arrange lunch somewhere on Sunday. Or maybe better if her DH does. I'd certainly let her know that the lines of communication are open. I wouldn't fully discuss the situation, just let her know that the Op and her DH are willing to talk it through with FIL and let him know why they're so upset.

There's a great deal of assumption on these threads which is potentially very damaging.

Beaverhausen · 04/05/2018 18:42

I know I probably shouldn't but i feel very sorry for MIL, she will be missing out on her first grandchild because of a glass and a puffed up old bag of a husband. :(

My38274thNameChange · 04/05/2018 18:43

I have a similarly idiotic FIL. One with narcissistic tendencies.

My DH won’t really stand up to him though. Too scared of the repercussions. Last time they threatened to withdraw childcare if they didn’t get their own way, meaning one of us would have had to quit our job. Arseholes.

Fortunately I’m all but NC. See the ILs maybe once or twice a year in passing and they only live up the road Grin

And DH is fully aware that he’d be out on his ear if FIL puts a foot wrong and he didn’t stand up for me.

Fortunately your DH sounds lovely so at least you don’t have that problem.

OnTheEdgeMumOf4 · 04/05/2018 18:44

Place marking

HonkyWonkWoman · 04/05/2018 18:45

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet - well said, I agree entirely!
Especially with with your descriptive word, arseholery! Which I'm now going to use at every and all opportunities! 😂😂😂

TheBigFatMermaid · 04/05/2018 18:48

It's been made clear on several occasions that FIL is the head of the family and controls what goes on in their home.. so I can appreciate that MIL is probably stuck in the middle and feeling rather desperate herself.

I think in this case then, they should understand your decision to support your DH!

Graphista · 04/05/2018 18:50

Moredoll and what makes you think fil would listen? - I don't mean physically. Op's dh tried to reach a solution fil was having none of it!

Even the initial invoice wasn't sent as an immediate ill thought out emotive reaction he'd stewed on it for DAYS.

I'll say what I think fil expects, based on personal experience and observation of other similar personalities

  • a full apology from op & dh

glass replaced

baby items returned to them

car won't be available to them any more or of it is like everything else it will be held over them like a sword of Damocles forever!

Fil will not apologise because he will NEVER accept he is wrong, mil will try and get op&dh to apologise and appease, and when they don't she'll try to make them feel guilty for 'putting her in an awkward position'

Attila is an expert on this stuff. She would say what your suggesting is all well and good IF you were dealing with a normal healthy dynamic/personality. But it's very clear they're not.

WidoWanky · 04/05/2018 18:54

So, as a child your dh was bullied by his dad while his mum did nothing to stop it. They control your life by charging you to borrow a car. You get pregnant, they try to buy your child, mil moves in to stalk you by calling every single day, then fil makes it personal with you about the glass.

No wonder your dh gave everything back and wants you to block them. He is protecting you and your baby from his parents, in a way he never was. He sounds like a wonderful man who deserves every drop and loyalty you can give him.

He has made his decision. Stand by him. The inlaws can come crawling back if they wish, but only on your dh's terms.

AvoidingDM · 04/05/2018 18:55

Op I'm just catching up with this thread.

The broken glass is symbolic more than any thing. Who would hand somebody a £156 glass, I'm half surprised he never charged you for cleaning & the contents of the glass.
It's been a massive wake up call to your DH. Handing back baby items was a good move along with paying for the glass.

My IL's also use gifts to control. DH sees right through it and says No but it took a long time to get to that stage.

The balance of power is shifting. FiL isn't happy and Mil is worried desperately trying to paper over the cracks.

Only time will tell how it will pan out but wish you both good luck.
Is moving nearer your parents an option?

Quartz2208 · 04/05/2018 18:59

He (for now at least) wants to go no contact - I would go along with that

BrendasUmbrella · 04/05/2018 19:01

If she does come to the house there's no need to lock yourself in or pretend you are out. Just don't agree to whatever plan she has. How on earth did she think that she and you could iron everything out in secret anyway, the two most upset people in this are your husbands!

TurnedToTheDarksideForKylo · 04/05/2018 19:04

I hope you can go some way to sorting it all out OP! Don't let yourself be manipulated by comments like 'don't ask for anything again.' It's sad your FIL sees it that way over an accident with a glass! Some people!

Good choice not to do anything behind DH's back. If MIL turns up, just be polite and pleasant, but don't agree to anything. Tell her you'll have to talk to DH as you don't want to do anything Behind his back.

Good luck! Flowers

TurnedToTheDarksideForKylo · 04/05/2018 19:04

I hope you can go some way to sorting it all out OP! Don't let yourself be manipulated by comments like 'don't ask for anything again.' It's sad your FIL sees it that way over an accident with a glass! Some people!

Good choice not to do anything behind DH's back. If MIL turns up, just be polite and pleasant, but don't agree to anything. Tell her you'll have to talk to DH as you don't want to do anything Behind his back.

Good luck! Flowers

Original poster
pugreverywhere · 04/05/2018 19:07

Well it was my birthday a few weeks ago and pil gifted me and dh one of those private 4d scans in their town that we could all go to as Id been going on about these kind of scans forever and we got really bad pictures at all our nhs appointments. Just got an email saying lts been cancelled, not sure if this is fil or mil or both but I am trying to hold back the tears as best as i can, this was the ome thing they'd given us throughout my pregnancythat I couldn't
wait for, for us all to see our little dc as a family.. I guess this is the final straw for me, I just can't belive it all came to this in less than 48 hrs because of a stupid glass that we even ordered for them yesterday anyway! Sorry I am venting but thanks for the suppport all.. typing this from my phone and am a bit of a mess right now.

OP posts:
MoseShrute · 04/05/2018 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoinedTheDarksideForKylo · 04/05/2018 19:09

Oh OP I'm so sorry! Chin up! You'll see your baby soon enough!

crispysausagerolls · 04/05/2018 19:10

OP, that is very, very upsetting for you Flowers

What a cruel and spiteful thing for them to do! I certainly wouldn't meet MIL now, and I think that shows what sort of people they are. How vile.

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 04/05/2018 19:10

Op have been you ever gotta the impression he doesn't like you.

I just hey the feeling he doesn't and is frustrated with his son.

Ops pils it fil in particular are a fighting theirs corner. They have no idea empathy with the the fact she is pregnant.

Mil should be giving fil what for on the that front.
Some people are naturally caring and find empathy easy. Some people are so wrapped up in the themselves. It's clear pils are latter. If op and her dh have any future relations it has to be on equal terms not in the same dynamic.

Chattymummyhere · 04/05/2018 19:12

That’s a low blow. I don’t know how much it was but I know some places offer them for around £60. I’ve always had 4d included with gender scans for around £60. Check Wowcher etc they often have scan deals on.