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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To meet up with MIL to discuss broken wine glass!

975 replies

pugreverywhere · 04/05/2018 08:38

Can't believe the previous thread reached a thousand posts, thanks so much for your support everyone!

I ended up reading MIL's facebook messages for me this morning. Turns up she wants to meet up at a café this weekend to smooth things over "without the boys knowing". She also said she would bring the egg pram back (?!).

Haven't replied yet. DH was pretty upset last night; not sure if he is actually considering going NC with his father. If so, it wouldn't be fair of me to meet up with his Mum in secret - but she's always been lovely to me and I'd hate for my GC having no GP in his life.
Ugh! Still so gutted over this whole thing.

You have all posted some very good advice so I am going to sit and read through it until I decide what we do now.

OP posts:

happypoobum · 04/05/2018 17:08

Nope

OreoMini · 04/05/2018 17:09

This whole situation is ridiculous.

Nearly 2 whole threads about a broken glass and talks of going NC.

Grumpyoldblonde · 04/05/2018 17:10

Nutty as Nutella this story is.

Motoko · 04/05/2018 17:10

My parents were also no contact with my mother's father. I remember when we were driving through her home town one day, and she said to my dad "That's dad." and pointed to a man walking along the road.

I just had a mild curiosity about what he looked like, because I'd never seen him before, even though I knew he was alive. Being NC with him had absolutely no emotional effect on me. All I knew at the time was that he wasn't very nice to mum, so that's why we never saw him.
I learned later, when I was a teenager, it was because he had sexually abused my mum, so I was very glad he had no part in our lives.

Motoko · 04/05/2018 17:13

Is everyone else seeing this advert under this thread?

Nope. You should install an adblocker.

Nearly 2 whole threads about a broken glass and talks of going NC.

Reading comprehension not your best skill, huh? Nor empathy.

GabriellaMontez · 04/05/2018 17:13

The op has been kind to herself and dh. It's a good place to start.

Allowing herself to be manipulated/controlled by pil is unhealthy. Her dc will see strong united parents looking after each other in the face of very unpleasant behaviour.

BackforGood · 04/05/2018 17:26

Just found thread 2. Marking place to read the updates later.

Groovee · 04/05/2018 17:26

Follow your dh's lead on this.

If MIL turns up can you see that she's turned up, ie car outside etc? If so I wouldn't answer the door.

ChasedByBees · 04/05/2018 17:34

Do you know what outcome your DH wants? It sounds like you might be heading for NC or, probably quite healthily, a resetting of his relationship with them.

Meeting your MIL together to say as a team that this has been unacceptable could be a way forward but do take the lead from your DH.

Boysnme · 04/05/2018 17:35

IHaventStoppedCravingYet

Yes! I am!

OP - I’d let the dust settle for a few days and then see what your DH wants to do about his parents

Ravenesque · 04/05/2018 17:41

Fil has early onset dementia? For real? Reading about the ongoing toxic relationship with a father he has tried to please all his life ... Fil is just a bully who clearly bullies his wife as well.

Mil and her kindness. I agree that she is trying to be kind, but she has been in a toxic relationship for too long to understand that her "kindness" is just further proof of her inability to do anything to cover over her husband's controlling behaviour. It's not kind to try to turn OP into a mini version of her. I do feel sorry for her because it's clear that her husband has drained her of any self-esteem, sense of self, ability to see how wrong their toxic life is, but at some point we have to put our children first and she never has.

Children need grandparents. This is nonsense. Lots of children grow up without grandparents for any number of reasons, including the gps being dead. And op's dc will have grandparents, just not in this country. My parents were from Ireland. One of my gms died before I was born (in fact my turning up in my mum's womb was closely related to her death) and my other gm died when I was a baby, so I have no memory of her at all. I loved my gfs, well I was a wee bit scared of one of them, but that wasn't his fault. He was gruff, not cruel and I eventually realised that he doted on my brother and me. We didn't get to see them every day, due to not being in the same country, but we had lovely summer holidays when we'd spend time with them and other family in Ireland and it was lovely. I hope that will be what happens with Op and her dc. It can be even lovelier having them overseas. You get to have holidays there, you get to spend lots of time with them for the period they're there, you get a feeling of belonging to more than one culture.

OP I'm glad you talked to your dh before doing anything. I think he does need to take the lead on this because he's had a whole life of his parents and he's the one your fil is really trying to hurt. Your mil is lovely to you, but I honestly think this is because she sees you as an ally, someone to giggle with about how we have to brush things over to keep the men happy. I do understand that, but it's not healthy and you are not her. You are not living with a controlling bully. You can't support her if she won't support herself. Best of luck and love to you and your dh and the dc that will be with you soon.

bastardkitty · 04/05/2018 17:45

The OP's husband didn't throw the pram over the fence, but don't let that get in the way of a good story.

There is nothing to suggest that MIL is ny less toxic than FIL. The pretzel logic from those who are clueless about toxic parents about how OP can smooth things over are laughable.

Being NC is not necessarily a long, sad, lonely path. It can be extremely liberating and a blessed relief.

TonTonMacoute · 04/05/2018 17:45

OP, years ago we had a very similar situation with my ILs which came very close to real rupture (no wine glasses were involved). It can be mended with goodwill in both sides.

I think that you have decided this already, but do not engage with MIL on your own. I think that this really has to be down to your DH and MIL to negotiate between them, then she needs to stand up to your FIL for once, and tell him that she doesn’t want him to jeopardise her relationship with you and her GC by his power trip.

I think your DH has done everything right so far, so keep cool and try and sort it out calmly over the weekend.

Ultimately you hold the trump in the form of new GC, but that doesn’t mean you should use that as a threat - a firm reminder will be enough if our experience is anything to go by.

Good luck, I hope things simmer down soon.

Dancingleopard · 04/05/2018 17:48

take the egg pram back. They scuff easily and look shabby quick

FairyCrumbs · 04/05/2018 17:48

Place marking

OreoMini · 04/05/2018 17:51

@Motoko - I can read fine thanks and iv read all the updates. Ultimately this started over a broken glass!

SneakyGremlins · 04/05/2018 17:51

Ooooh part two!

TemptressofWaikiki · 04/05/2018 17:56

OreoMini You may be able to read but basic comprehension or empathy aren't your strong points.

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 04/05/2018 18:03

I don't get thistle ⚔ trying to be kind stuff

Surely being kind would have to contact them and say.. I am so sorry for what happened.. Pugs... Please ignore the fil.. Of course course we aren't motivated going to charge you for the the glass I don't know what's got into the him! I'm so sorry.

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 04/05/2018 18:04

Oreo 🗺 war's have started ted over less

BarryTheKestrel · 04/05/2018 18:08

As much as I agree with following DHs lead on this, I wouldn't be able to not have my say, especially as this was aimed at OP in the first place. I'd have to go back with a breakdown of the situation to MIL with a of her minimizing of the situation.

OreoMini · 04/05/2018 18:10

@TemptressofWaikiki - I understand the thread fully.

I just think it’s way over the top. The whole situation is bonkers!

growingseeds · 04/05/2018 18:14

Imo it's the PILs who are bonkers, particularly the FIL. MIL is enabling him, yes, even if she is also one of his victims.

I'd be going LC or NC after this stuff, tbh, pregnant or not. And I'd definitely follow my DH lead (not something I blindly do, normally!) as its his parents and it looks like and sounds like he's finally come out of the FOG. Bravo for him and Brava for Op

NCJaneDoeNut · 04/05/2018 18:21

pp said (in fact my turning up in my mum's womb was closely related to her death)

Sunflowersforever · 04/05/2018 18:21

Well, this thread has touched a nerve. Never seen such a reaction of posts. Heading to thread 3?

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