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AIBU?

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Original poster

To meet up with MIL to discuss broken wine glass!

975 replies

pugreverywhere · 04/05/2018 08:38

Can't believe the previous thread reached a thousand posts, thanks so much for your support everyone!

I ended up reading MIL's facebook messages for me this morning. Turns up she wants to meet up at a café this weekend to smooth things over "without the boys knowing". She also said she would bring the egg pram back (?!).

Haven't replied yet. DH was pretty upset last night; not sure if he is actually considering going NC with his father. If so, it wouldn't be fair of me to meet up with his Mum in secret - but she's always been lovely to me and I'd hate for my GC having no GP in his life.
Ugh! Still so gutted over this whole thing.

You have all posted some very good advice so I am going to sit and read through it until I decide what we do now.

OP posts:
SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 04/05/2018 13:51

Ex.

No one is dying on any hill. Confused no legal bonds will be broken.. Nothing is being writ in stone.

I think her dh has the very best attitude here.. Can't bee bothered. The very best thing is is a pattern of treatment has come to a head and won't carry on. Who knows. Once they have sweated a little.. Fil may come to his senses and realise he hasn't been the best dad. Maybe he will apologise.. And see his son in anew light and respect his dil.

But.... There is no chance of that ever happening if op crumbles now and panics and thinks things will be like this for ever more..

They need to chill and wait.

expatiation · 04/05/2018 13:53

Well we agree on that, whatever happens, a period of reflection is a good idea.

GruffaIo · 04/05/2018 13:56

The last straw in toxic families can often appear 'not worth it' to those who haven't experienced such families.

I went NC with my parents 10 years ago after a particularly nasty attempt at manipulation; my sister is LC with them; and our 'golden child' brother sees them regularly. In terms of long-term outcomes, I am a bit sad it came to this, but I've never had any regrets. My sister, on the other hand, who had exactly the same toxic upbringing as me - she used to say they treated me worse, now she says her (I don't mind - has never married her long-term partner (15+ years) because she doesn't want to play happy families at the wedding with my parents. I'm sad that she seems unhappier than me, though I'd never tell her to go NC. She originally said she wouldn't go NC because of her children. I'm currently pregnant and very keen to ensure they don't find out as it's especially important IMO that children don't experience such toxic relationships.

My mother phoned me last autumn (now I realise I can't trust my brother with my contact details) - the first contact in 9 years. She's the enabler, he's the narcissist. She suggested that 'we'd all done things' and 'it was time to move on'. I asked if he was there with her. She denied it. I could hear him feeding her lines. I asked her if he was any better, and there was nothing she could say. I told her I didn't want to put her in the middle of it, and that was the end of it. It wouldn't help to tell her I blame her too - enablers can't see that. Unless the narc becomes a better person, my family's experience suggests there's no such thing as healthy 'LC'; NC is the only healthy solution.

Every year on my birthday I'm sad because I remember the time when I was a young teenager when my narc father stopped talking to me for more than two days (including my birthday) because he said (through my mother) I had embarrassed him in front of my friend by talking back - disagreeing over whether we could have won Eurovision that year if our entry had been a female, not male singer. He refused to talk to me again until I apologised. I'm sad for my childhood, not what I had to do - NC. Children don't need GPs like that in their lives.

OP, you have a fabulous DH who took a stand for himself and his family - you and your child. He'll need time to decide what to do, but NC may be the best outcome.

Cornishclio · 04/05/2018 14:04

The glass was the straw that broke the camels back. This is not a row just about a broken glass. It is the catalyst that has exploded the relationship and laid it bare to be examined particularly for the DH and his DPs. Often when families are split it is over something trivial after rather a lot of other stuff has happened first.

Block Mil for now and just ignore it for now as DH has suggested. He is obviously fed up and this seems such a shame to have your pregnancy spoiled. MIL has reverted to role of peacekeeper as she probably did between her DH and her DS over his childhood. Because FIL holds all the control apparently she used to defend him and ameliorate the consequences fit her DS. Yet again she is infantilising your DS forgetting he now has a DW and is going to be a DP himself.

Once PIL think about this they may admit they were in the wrong but I am guessing your FIL is not the type to apologise easily. Controlling bullies never are. I am also betting he will not admit it for the sake of MIL who is obviously worried about relationship with her future GC now.

Juells · 04/05/2018 14:06

You don't need to block her on facebook - just don't check your fb status for a few days.

CynthiaRothrock · 04/05/2018 14:17

You've made the daily rags op.

pigmcpigface · 04/05/2018 14:22

I don't think it's at all bad for OP and her DH that this appears in the newspapers. I hope her in laws see it, visit the thread, and realise how unanimous we all are in the opinion that they have behaved disgracefully!

DragonMummy1418 · 04/05/2018 14:30

I can't find it in the rags... 🤷‍♀️

DGRossetti · 04/05/2018 14:45

If the OP doesn't want the ILs to actually come round, then it might be an idea for this to be communicated clearly (ideally via text/FB or a recorded phone call).

If they do try to call round after this, it ups the ante Sad. This was the key fact when my ILs turned up - despite being asked not to. The police said it made it a much more serious incident (since it ended in assault).

Controlling narcissists can become violent when they are crossed and can't get their way Sad.

All the best OP.

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2018 14:56

Imagine explaining to your child that they can’t see granny and grandpa beside of a row over a glass.

How's your reading comprehension? Do you really think that's the situation?

Graphista · 04/05/2018 14:59

Cornish. So true. I've had ONE apology from my father in almost 46 years of my life. And it was for something ridiculously trivial which wasn't even really his fault (which he knew). Other than that he NEVER admits he's wrong.

LovelySouffle · 04/05/2018 15:01

Almost 1400 posts about this. Jesus wept.

somefolkaresoentiteled · 04/05/2018 15:02

Am I missing something? Seems to me it's FIL who is the arse not MIL?

Mufferdoodle · 04/05/2018 15:03

What a mess. What on earth was fil thinking?? I hope you can build some kind of a bridge before baby comes.

Idontdowindows · 04/05/2018 15:05

Seems to me it's FIL who is the arse not MIL?

MIL enabled FIL to treat OP's husband like shit all of his life and never stood up for him.

She is still trying to sneak around behind both FIL and OP's husband's back to "fix" things.

justabunchofbunting · 04/05/2018 15:11

I would ignore the messages and show them to your DH. These are his parents and he knows them best. He stood by you so you should stand by him and what he feels is best to do.
They have been incredibly insulting to you both.
It sounds as though the MIL wants to smooth things over. But to be honest I personally would not accept that as its the FIL who needs to apologise and not just to you but also to your husband.
I dont think it will help the situation to allow MIL to try and minimise her husbands behaviour.
Your priority is to your own relationship. Its not to help with whatever weird dynamic MIL and FIL have going on.
In your situation I would try and present as a united front with your husband.

The PILs need to actually apologise to you both.

InsomniacAnonymous · 04/05/2018 15:14

justabunchofbunting "I would ignore the messages and show them to your DH."

The OP said "I have print screened the FB messages from MIL and e-mailed them to my DH" and he has replied - see the OP's post Fri 04-May-18 12:43:28

Bubblesblue · 04/05/2018 15:21

Giving it a few days is a great idea. It sounds like you have (had?) a great relationship with MIL and it would be a shame if you lost that.

Myse1f · 04/05/2018 15:21

Concentrate on keeping well OP. You are doing the right thing by sharing all of this with your DH and letting him lead as they are his parents..

Ruffian · 04/05/2018 15:22

Your DHs relationship with his father is totally separate to your relationship with your MIL

I agree and also DH's relationship with his Mother is separate to OP's relationship with MIL. His anger and resentment at her failure to protect him from his Father's abuses have surfaced but although OP can sympathise and understand she doesn't have to carry those same feelings.

At this point I am very tempted to just follow my husband's lead and support him in whatever move he wants us to take next
I think this risks OP making the same mistake that MIL has been making all these years.

I feel some sympathy with the MIL, she's probably spent her married life appeasing a bully, trying to keep a lid on things. It's not right but it's not beyond comprehension and if OP can keep communication with her it might encourage MIL might become braver.

justabunchofbunting · 04/05/2018 15:28

it wont help the MIL to become braver if the OP colludes with her to appease FIL. I think they should all stand up to him tbh.

And the OP is not doing the same as MIL by supporting her husband because her husband has supported her and is not a bully!

TemptressofWaikiki · 04/05/2018 15:32

As others said, OP, don’t repay your DH’s wonderful supportive stance by undermining him. He probably does know the family dynamics better than you. You are a team and have had the wonderful experience of your DH prioritising you and your marriage. Don’t allow MIL to drag you down to her scheming, toxic type to relationship. She is no innocent either! Remember how she responded to DH ‘Don’t you dare return the baby stuff’. This is not a neutral, supportive party but she is acting out of pure self-interest to keep things smooth for her. She could have just got the bloody glass on your behalf, that would have been classy and supportive. In abusive patriarchal societies, there are many women who actually help to control other, often younger women and to bring them into line. Often, they actually ‘excel’ themselves being as controlling if not more towards other women, they perceive as lower ranked on the pecking order. That’s how I see your MIL, the meddler and sometimes self-styled martyr who acts like FIL’s enforcer.

Oh, and the same thought, as others mentioned, occurred to me, as to why FIL actually acted this way after 4 years of seemingly being ‘nice’ towards you. The dynamics have changed, your DH is going to be a father and that threatens FIL, as the ‘supreme head’ of the family, if DH becomes autonomous with his own family unit. This is very much about control, the pram and other stuff he chose. There is no real affection and support for you, you are given ostentatious overpriced baby stuff, rather than actual practical and genuinely convenient help. So, he gets you a £800 plus pram and other OTT priced things that will only be useful for a limited time, while your DH has to pay essential a leasing cost for a spare car and you are in rented accommodation. Truly kind and supportive parents would have put that sort of money towards a car or deposit house purchasing price to help you on the property ladder, at least supporting you with getting a better interest rate by lending the money, or any of these kinds of things. Ignore MIL’s insidious meddling and if she schlepps around to your door, don’t open. Seriously, not opening your door to people who drop by uninvited and unannounced is very empowering. After all, remember they shut the gate to your DH and did not let him in!

Flooffloof · 04/05/2018 15:49

no contact is a long and sad walk to walk, as I know and
questions from children can get more and more forensic

If you actually go nc, children have no idea that they are missing out on a gp. And if they do at a later age ask questions, don't you just answer with "they were a awful person, and like any other person, if you don't like them you have no need to stay in touch"
The child can be as forensic as they wish, a parent answers with as much or as little detail as they feel is right.
Children don't have a right to know every detail of a parents life.

pigmcpigface · 04/05/2018 15:54

I think people have made a bit of a leap from "We'll reduce contact for a time in the wake of this frankly bonkers behaviour" to "We will never, ever, ever see them ever again".

Mumsnet tends to strip out the grey areas and to go very black-and-white about everything. I don't know why.