Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To meet up with MIL to discuss broken wine glass!

975 replies

pugreverywhere · 04/05/2018 08:38

Can't believe the previous thread reached a thousand posts, thanks so much for your support everyone!

I ended up reading MIL's facebook messages for me this morning. Turns up she wants to meet up at a café this weekend to smooth things over "without the boys knowing". She also said she would bring the egg pram back (?!).

Haven't replied yet. DH was pretty upset last night; not sure if he is actually considering going NC with his father. If so, it wouldn't be fair of me to meet up with his Mum in secret - but she's always been lovely to me and I'd hate for my GC having no GP in his life.
Ugh! Still so gutted over this whole thing.

You have all posted some very good advice so I am going to sit and read through it until I decide what we do now.

OP posts:
Aria2015 · 04/05/2018 13:14

I've been reading both threads. It's a bizarre situation but cutting off ties with parents is a huge deal. It can lead to years and years of heartbreak. I always think you should look at a relationship as a whole and not just in parts and if overall you've had a good relationship with them then I think some cooling off time is required rather than cutting all contact.

This obviously about something a lot more than a wine glass and perhaps your in laws need to think about the root cause of why they have behaved the way they have? A cooling off period might help this.

Could your dh send then an email saying that you're both hurt by what's recently happened but ultimately want to move past it but you need a bit of time to let your emotions about it all to settle. And then respectfully ask that they keep their distance for a while and then you can meet up and chat about it face-to-face with the intention of moving past all this? Hopefully this will give them some time to reflect and they'll also get a feel for what it's like to not have you both around.

TorviBrightspear · 04/05/2018 13:15

The straw that broke the camel's back usually is something that most people would find trivial, as in this case.

Because of the symbolism, I think, that the controlling person (like FIL and MIL) is willing to risk a relationship with such demands. FIL in particular seems to want to ensure his status as head of the family.

It's not OTT of op and DH to take this situation as a stand against the control.

Children don't need grandparents. It's great if they have good ones, but ones like this will cause such emotional damage it would be a real risk.

My grandparents are all dead. In one case, I'm glad he's dead. He can't harm me or anyone else now, too many have suffered enough.

DragonMummy1418 · 04/05/2018 13:17

Your DHs relationship with his father is totally separate to your relationship with your MIL.

I would go and explain that you don't have much money to spare and £156 for a glass is eye watering for you and things just got out of hand... I'd also explain that the expensive gifts make you feel bad about your own money and there is nothing wrong with the pram that you had already bought. Mention you didn't ask for it or need it.

I'd also definitely tell your DH that your going.
She doesn't have to tell FIL she's meeting you, that's up to her, it's her relationship.

If you can salvage a relationship with her that would be good as like you said, your DC would love a gparent. 😊

Good luck 💐 🍷

FrancisCrawford · 04/05/2018 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatiation · 04/05/2018 13:19

Your DH is right to leave it for a few days - I also think you should send a brief message to MIL to say to leave it for a few days.

Look, only your DH knows if FIL is really toxic or just a man who’s a bit difficult but worth having a relationship with firm boundaries.

You’ve sent a clear signal neither of you will be pushed around, now let it sit. No need for more drastic action.

I’d think long and hard before I cut off grandparents - few of us are perfect.

TheNoodlesIncident · 04/05/2018 13:21

He was never close to MIL; it always bothered him that she would never stick up for him whenever FIL was treating him poorly

This is unforgivable imo. Have been there myself and it's this that causes the worst feelings of outrage. I look at my DS and wonder how anybody could allow their child to be abused, whether it be physical or emotional. It's the hardest thing to get round for me, as my mum considered herself a strong person who took no crap from anybody. It engenders terrible feelings of worthlessness, as you believe if your own mum hasn't got your back, you must be really awful and valueless.

Since Pug's DH knows his parents better than anyone else, I'd assume he can make his own judgments on whether this is typical behaviour from his DF or whether it could possibly be the onset of dementia Hmm

Idontdowindows · 04/05/2018 13:23

Your DHs relationship with his father is totally separate to your relationship with your MIL.

No, because OP and her husband need to support each other and OP's husband is very much bothered by the fact that his mother always chose his father's side, even when his father was being an arsehole to him.

Neolara · 04/05/2018 13:25

"Why don't you not block MiL but just block the actual messages for a bit. Send her one saying sorry but you can't keep this secret from DH and you both need a bit of time so won't be in contact just now. Then block the messages on FB and route her number to voicemail on your phones."

I think you should do this. Gives everyone time to calm down and stops the mil worrying unnecessarily. If you just don't respond at all, she will most likely try different ways of talking to you.

I think there is a lot of projecting on this thread about your in-law's motives. You fil may be a controlling loon or he may just have had a really crappy day and made a stupid misjudgement. No one on MN knows the truth.

I think it would be wise to wait until emotions have calmed down then discuss with your DH what outcome you both want. Then do what you think would best achieve that outcome. There is no point escalating things to crisis point / no contact unless that is what both of you want in the cold light of day..

SilverySurfer · 04/05/2018 13:26

This isn't about the glass really is it, it's just the straw that broke the camel's back. It's about your DH having grown up being bullied by his own father and his mother standing by and watching him do it without intervening and supporting her son. She is the FiL's enabler.

Your DH probably doesn't feel like having much to do with either of them right now and who could blame him? But if you feel it would be positive to have at least a relationship with MiL I think you have to give him time to sort out his feelings before suggesting meeting with her.

Very best wishes to you, Mr Pug and Baby Pug.

aaarrrggghhhh · 04/05/2018 13:26

Your DHs relationship with his father is totally separate to your relationship with your MIL.

Totally NOT this in any way

emmyrose2000 · 04/05/2018 13:28

DH responded to my e-mail from work saying I can just block MIL as he is fed up and couldn't be bothered with either of them. He is not on FB himself. I messaged him back saying we don't have to act right away and we could give it a few days so we all can clear our heads a bit. Blocking her and going NC right away seems a bit drastic

I would definitely be following my husband's lead on this and doing exactly what he wants - blocking them. They/she can be unblocked later if necessary, but in the meantime, respect your DH's wishes to have some time out from his parents.

PIL can presumably still contact you/DH by phone or text, so it's not as if you're going totally NC immediately.

BuffyBee · 04/05/2018 13:30

OP! If you think that Mil may come to your house while Dh is at work.
Can you lock the doors and close the curtains or the blinds while Dh's out!
My Dd did this when Dgs was born as her Dh's huge family were arriving, unannounced all the time.
That might be a tip for you anyway, when Dc arrives.

expatiation · 04/05/2018 13:35

Well I wouldn’t block her right now because your DH may regret it in a day or two, or he may not but I wouldn’t send a work email when I was upset about a work issue and there has already been too much action from intense emotional feelings in this.

Your DH has managed to get through many years of his life without cutting off either of his parents, a tantrum over a glass seems a strange hill to die on to me and I’d want to make sure he was sure, as you have done op.

Goldmonday · 04/05/2018 13:37

Your MIL is unfair for putting you in the middle. Just ignore the messages, and follow your DHs lead. Perhaps things happened in his childhood and he now feels like this is the final straw. You mentioned that his relationship with his parents has always been strained.

All you can do is support his decision.

Kintan · 04/05/2018 13:37

Your poor husband, I can't imagine standing by and letting someone (let alone his father) bully my little son. Maybe being NC with them for a while is something that will really help your husband come to terms with his upbringing. He is being awesome btw - you read so many stories on here about men who cannot/will not stand up to their parents at the expense of their wives, so the fact he has reacted this way shows his strength of character and the fact that his loyalties lie with you :)

expatiation · 04/05/2018 13:38

I should add, I’m no contact with a family member who verbally abused and attacked me - it’s a serious thing you need to be really sure about, I’ve had endless questions on this from dc and this person attacked me and called me terrible names!

Imagine explaining to your child that they can’t see granny and grandpa beside of a row over a glass.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/05/2018 13:39

Exactly what Idontwantwindows said. You can not separate the relationships like this. Going behind the DH's back in this case to collude with his mother would just show MrPug that his wife isn't on his side either.

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2018 13:39

Remember one day we will all be GP and negotiating an often difficult relationship.

But most of us manage to not behave as the OP's in-laws have.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/05/2018 13:39

Sorry, idontdowindows, I got your name wrong Blush

Idontdowindows · 04/05/2018 13:40

Imagine explaining to your child that they can’t see granny and grandpa beside of a row over a glass.

THAT is what you get from these two threads? "A row over a glass"?

Really?

Idontdowindows · 04/05/2018 13:41

@TumbleWitchesAbroad to be fair, if I didn't have windows, I wouldn't have to not do them :D

Aprilmightbemynewname · 04/05/2018 13:42

More like sorry dc your gps are batshit and we have kept you away to protect you.

SunwhereareyouShowyourself · 04/05/2018 13:46

If she swings by ignore.

If she caches you unawares on the door stop say.. I'm not comfortable at all talking to without dh here sorry. Om on my way out.

AmazingPostVoices · 04/05/2018 13:49

Oh dear Pug I hope this stress isn’t making you feel unwell.

Your DH is naturally very angry. He will calm down a bit though and I think you are doing the right thing by avoiding any inflammatory actions (like blocking) until then.

If it were me, I suggest to my DH that your MIL meets you at your home, to discuss with both of you and without the pram.

Keep things on your home turf.
Don’t give in to them but work from the point of view that your DH will want a continuing relationship eventually so don’t burn any bridges.

expatiation · 04/05/2018 13:51

Yes, I see no more concrete backstory that convinces me there’s nothing to save - it’s the dh’s call and he needs to mull it over as no contact is a long and sad walk to walk, as I know and questions from children can get more and more forensic.

I’ve got friends who’s dad’s are shameless scroungers who only contact them as a setup to ask for money, friends who have drug addict parents, friends whose dads have been in prison for violent crimes - and they are still tempted to try and keep relationships going.

Op, I hope you’re also talking to real life friends about this.