To meet up with MIL to discuss broken wine glass!

[pugreverywhere]

Can't believe the previous thread reached a thousand posts, thanks so much for your support everyone!

I ended up reading MIL's facebook messages for me this morning. Turns up she wants to meet up at a café this weekend to smooth things over "without the boys knowing". She also said she would bring the egg pram back (?!).

Haven't replied yet. DH was pretty upset last night; not sure if he is actually considering going NC with his father. If so, it wouldn't be fair of me to meet up with his Mum in secret - but she's always been lovely to me and I'd hate for my GC having no GP in his life.
Ugh! Still so gutted over this whole thing.

You have all posted some very good advice so I am going to sit and read through it until I decide what we do now.

Haven't read much of the new thread (too busy at work)
Personally I'd decline the meet up for a while. Call it a cooling period. You both need to adjust and sort problems out that arise from these scenarios (yep, been there...still there too)
For gods sake don't allow MIL to weave her way back in, not just yet.

Enjoy the bank holiday weekend and chill.

As for FIL.....I'd cut all contact until a grovelling apology came my way.

We did this, and given hindsight it's been the best move ever. I'll bow to no one where morals and principles are concerned. Money isn't everything, as will become pretty clear soon.

I disagree sherbert - you can try and build networks with other people and have varying degrees of success, but since they have GP that are interested and not monsters, this should be fixed.

"I would put money on your FIL being in the very early stages of dementia"

Why isn't it possible for people to just be an arsehole anymore? Why does someone always have to HAVE something.

Trouble is when you come from a pretty normal
Loving family you can’t always get your head around that some parents are so toxic to their children.

My darling dils parents are like this. Undermine her looks, belittle her opinions, critisise her parenting and constantly refer to her as ‘poor ....’ when you meet them you think they are nice. It’s only down the line and by over hearing a jibe to her they didn’t think I heard that the shocking situation was revealed.

They mentally torture their children. It’s bizarre and has damaged her and her siblings permanently.

It takes us as a family all out time to try and support her and love her as she should be but it’s so awful if your parents are like this.

I suspect that the reason FIL emailed you directly is because he expected you to respond as MIL would have - just paid up without question, like a good little woman.

I'm disgusted with his whole response. If you don't want precious stuff broken, then don't use it with people who don't live in your home - especially pregnant women, whose co-ordination can be a bit off (honestly, my poor car suffered because of mine!)

Different if you had thrown it, or done something deliberately wrong - but you didn't. Different if it had been e.g. a tv - but it wasn't. It was a glass - they get broken, it happens, it was an accident. It's their own fault they have glasses that cost so much money!

Now to this point - as everyone (pretty much) is saying, do not do anything behind DH's back. It's pretty clear that MIL is just going to try and make excuses for her own husband, and to try and wangle that £60 out of you as a "peace offering" - no. Your DH has seen the messages, so he should now contact his mother if he wants to.

The thing is, that she will not be doing this without FIL's knowledge, no chance. He'll be expecting her to do it. Or to do something. So it's only reasonable that your DH knows too.

He is a bully, she is his enabler/facilitator. They're both as bad as each other. If this persists down to your child, then they won't be worth having as grandparents anyway because they will just carry the pattern on. :(

Sorry you're going through this shit with these people, but I think you and DH are doing the right things here, including returning the unnecessary and OTT gifts. No obligations. Good luck with getting a car.

Im still confused why MIL is saying "just give me £60 and I'll get it" - why £60? It seems like such a strangely specific amount.

She intends to tell FIL that "They've paid me the money" without being more specific? Thus saving face for both sides with only a small lie. She's spent years trying to smooth stuff over when her husband is a bit of an arse.

Same thing for the whole "without the boys knowing" thing. Her man says caveman thing -> she discreetly tries to make life carry on with minimum impact. And assumes (as people do) that other women's lives work similarly to hers?

I hope your MIL apologised for FIL. It won't make a difference really but Jesus, it's so bad.

£156

Those saying dementia talk from experience

Of course there are bona fide arseholes out there. No excuses.

But sometimes behaviour rings alarm bells in those with Experience.

FIL is a very successful professional. Yes? He will likely be corporate slick and highly intelligent. The OP is surprised by his behaviour.

He has displayed classic early dementia signs. Behaving out of character, irrational, suspicious and money focussed.

Thank you beryl id not caught up on FB messages from MIL through this story -too fast moving!

Good luck mrs pug. I hope you meet MIL and know you won’t keep it secret. She could well be mortified at his and action and sounds like she’s a supportive person who’s probably upset at escalation of events. And yes MNetters will all say she’s grown up blah blah but if she was on here saying my idiot husband has destroyed his relationship with son and his DH and future GC how do I make sure that it doesn’t affect me - everyone would be saying reach out. I think she should meet with her son too but She maybe knows her son well and thinks he needs some space and to check in with you how things are.

I feel sorry for you all that the action of one idiot man has had this impact on three others - 4 with GC.

Best of luck. And update us! We are so invested now! I haven’t been so invested since the nice widow met lovely man story!

good luck.

As an addendum to the posters who said that going NC causes MH issues - in my case it lifted a load off my shoulders, made me feel stronger and set an example to my children that they didn't have to tolerate bad behaviour from anyone, even relatives.

So it's not all bad in every case.

He has displayed classic early dementia signs. Behaving out of character, irrational, suspicious and money focussed.

Which are also hallmarks of narcissistic controlling people too ?

If your dh is on FB I'd be tempted to add him to the message thread with MIL - he won't see earlier conversation but it sends a pretty unambiguous Team Pub message.

Then one of you (preferably dh) should message to say something like: 'Hi, thanks for getting in touch. We're both rather upset & will be taking some time to let the dust settle. Thanks for offering the pram again, it's very kind of you to offer to get stuff for our baby, but we are happy with the one we've bought ourselves, so please do return it to the shop or sell as new? Hope you & Dad are well, take care, Mr Pug & Pug'.

She could well be mortified at his and action and sounds like she’s a supportive person who’s probably upset at escalation of events.

The fact they've been together so long suggests more an enabler ....

Is there a link to the previous thread? This sounds fascinating!

Sunwhereareyou’s responses have been bang on.
The timing of FIL’s direct approach to you is interesting. You are carrying his grandchild so now irreversibly part of his family. I wonder if he was extending his control over you, bringing you into the fold so to speak.
What is rather lovely and yet sad, is that it was seeing his father try to extend his abuse to you that finally pushed DH over the edge, not the multiple digs he’s received himself. It’s like all those women on here who have been victims of DA who say it was seeing their partner turn on their children, or their children witnessing an incident, that triggered their exit after years.
The bloody pram is definitely an instrument of control. Accept nothing of significant value from them, it comes with ties of obligation and the inference that neither of you are up to providing what this baby deserves. FIL could even use this baby to hurt his son more by being sooo devoted to it, just the most loving grandpa, because of course the baby is perfect, unlike disappointing DH.

Im still confused why MIL is saying "just give me £60 and I'll get it" - why £60? It seems like such a strangely specific amount.

My initial reaction to that was that FIL is very controlling with money, and she can only pull together around £100 without him finding out. I'd guess she's spent plenty of time over the years covering things up so FIL doesn't know about them and go off on one.

I think that you and DH should meet MIL together and make it clear that the problem is that he husband has been bullying your husband and that this is the final straw. You are happy to have what ever kind of relationship with her that she wants. It is reviewing her choice and you do not blame her for what had happened. But you will only continue your relationship with FIL if he starts treating your DH the way he should.

JiminyBillyBob "Is there a link to the previous thread? This sounds fascinating!"

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3239370-PIL-has-sent-be-a-bill-for-a-broken-wine-glass?pg=1

I think that @YimminiYoudar's message is absolutely perfectly worded, and that is what I would send.

And please don't feel at all bad for considering meeting your MIL, @pugreverywhere - I am sure you were only considering it because you are a decent person who wants things sorted out, and were assuming a similar level of decency from your MIL. It isn't a flaw to expect the best of people. I am just sorry that, in this case, your MIL was showing that she is happy to go behind both her husband's back and her son's, and to expect you to collude in that. That says a lot about her, and shows how little she knows you!

I would send her a message saying 'So, you are asking me to lie to your son, and you are considering lying to both your son and your husband?? I'm sorry, I don't operate that way and my husband is far too decent a person for me to treat him that way.'

I am massively over invested in this thread but as a GM myself kudos to your DH. He has obviously had a difficult relationship with FIL even before this and rather than feel sorry for MIL I would feel angry she maybe didn't support your DH as a child protecting him from what seems to be an overbearing controlling father. She may herself be a victim but this does not sound a healthy relationship and GC tend to exaggerate problems between AC and their DP rather than mend problems. Yes, ideally you want support and for your DC to have GP but not at any cost. Whatever relationship you have with PIL going forward, if any, should be on your terms. Don't let them use gifts or money to control you or gain access to your DC. against your will.

You need to be united with DH over this. Don't undermine him by meeting MIL. She obviously does not have any sway with FIL who thinks he is totally in the right about this. I personally would accept nothing less than a full apology from both of them and a promise not to use their wealth to control you or DC in the future. Meeting in secret is not the way to go and don't accept the prom back. Babies don't need expensive travel systems.

I reckon your MIL feels stuck in the middle and is trying to smooth things over. It is exactly what my DM would do. I agree that you need to speak to your DH before deciding whether to meet her or not.

Definitely agree with telling your DP about the messages. Maybe you, DP and MIL should meet up together to talk it out. Leave FIL out of it for now. He's an ass.

This sounds like a tiny issue on the face of it but my feeling is its been either the first in a long time (since your dh grew up) or its been the final nail for him.

Your couple of comments that talk about fil not being nice to him and mil not "sticking" up for him scream to me that there were bigger issues than dh has let on to you so Your dh seems to be reacting in defence of I will never let you control me again or my wife.

He can probably see an undercurrent you can't due to the history.

If I'm right your dh is being very brave because his experiences will have told him to comply so the fact he isn't means he's seen that nothing will change and has decided you and your child are worth more to him than to be controlled. He is making a clear choice knowing that he might lose them in the process.