To meet up with MIL to discuss broken wine glass!

[pugreverywhere]

Can't believe the previous thread reached a thousand posts, thanks so much for your support everyone!

I ended up reading MIL's facebook messages for me this morning. Turns up she wants to meet up at a café this weekend to smooth things over "without the boys knowing". She also said she would bring the egg pram back (?!).

Haven't replied yet. DH was pretty upset last night; not sure if he is actually considering going NC with his father. If so, it wouldn't be fair of me to meet up with his Mum in secret - but she's always been lovely to me and I'd hate for my GC having no GP in his life.
Ugh! Still so gutted over this whole thing.

You have all posted some very good advice so I am going to sit and read through it until I decide what we do now.

Hi Op

Some great advice here. Hope you have managed to read most of it!

My thoughts if you get this far!

The most important relationship is your and dh marriage. So make sure you both are open honest and on same page.

NC does seem extreme esp with baby on the way but most definitely do NOT take the egg pram. Do not let them have any “control” over this new family unit.

Fil and this glass nonsense..... you mentioned that English is not your first language.... could this be the source of Fil actions ? This odd post BREXIT, casual racism, windrush .... where people and on the latter even the prime minister see some people as less than themselves as NOT British. Agree he would not have asked if son broke it. So glad you dh stood up for you. What a tool.

Best of luck. Make sure both mil and fil know you won’t be coerced and are a team. No entertaining mil and her sneaky meetings as you tell her are honest with each other so dh knows you are meeting if you decide to.

Little.

You're also valuing cash over other people's choices and needs. They already had a pram.
If they had asked if they could buy the pram, asked op if she wanted to choose it and op said.. No.. You choose then the pram would have been advice gesture.

You can only sit down and discuss as adults if all parties involved are willing to treat the other party as adults. In this particular case the balance of power between the FIL and his adult son is all skewed. It's impossible to have a reasoned conversation with someone who doesn't view you as their equal because they will only be in transmit mode, unwilling to receive.

At this point I am very tempted to just follow my husband's lead and support him in whatever move he wants us to take next.

Great course of action.

To pp saying don’t punish mil... mil is complicit in this shit show. She is not an innocent bystander.

I agree the reason things have reached this point at this time is because OPs DH is about to go through a right of passage which a controlling or jealous parent will struggle with. See it from FILs perspective:

In FILs eyes DH is about to step up and become an equal. Head of a household, (this is FILs perspective remember) parent to a child, fully functioning adult in his own right. FIL is madly unhappy with this. He's desperately spitting the dummy and trying to throw nets and rings around his son's little family with threats and complicated financial ties to stay alpha male.

MIL is just doing what she always has. Bumbling along in the background helping no one. Herself included.

It's divisive plain and simple. If talking is an option it should include all 4 of you so nothing is spun or misinterpreted and everyone gets heard. I wouldn't trust someone who thinks meeting without the boys is a good idea. They are both grown men!

Ohmydayslove

there are other causes of dementia than Alzheimer's.

But I agree he doesn't have dementia.

"NC does seem extreme esp with baby on the way"

Why?

Rather than a case of tolerating behaviour for the sake of a child having shitty GPs-shouldn't it be that a child on the way is what makes people realise that they, as adults have tolerated too much & their child should be protected from it?

Definitely meet mil. I'd love to know what she has to say - but tell dh. Do not meet with fil. He'll just derail any reasonable talks with his righteousness and anger.

As others have said don’t meet her
It was unfair of her to ask you to keep it a secret from your husband , I would be questioning her motives
I think they are so used to controlling your husband and now they are loosing that control
You came along and now you are having a baby so their control is further diluted
They are buying you things try and get it back , In their head you’ll ‘owe’ them
Concentrate on you , your lovely faithful husband and baby .

I would suggest fil had plans to open a bank account for your dc and withdraw amounts during childhood for breakages occurring at their home.

Although events may seem over dramatic to some, sometimes a turbulent event is necessary to get all parties to see that relationships are no longer what they used to be. It is important that you proceed on a basis that all can accept, not just according to one person’s rules. It will help if you can appear to be financially independent from now on. Be very careful of gifts or arrangements that you see as mutually beneficial but others see as putting you in their debt. You and your husband should preserve your rights to choose cars and equipment for you and your baby’s use according to your personal budget.

Be very wary of the MIL she most likely had to spend longer than your lifetime learning to manipulate people (your FIL) to get some of what she wants.

I don't think that anything that's happened yet is terminal. You'll prob have a cool relationship for a while or longer - not a bad thing but I think you can overcome this in the end. You and your husband sound lovely Pug.

"I would put money on your FIL being in the very early stages of dementia"

As someone whose father has dementia I most certainly wouldn't put a penny on it.

Late to this thread and but did read previous one.

Who on earth spend £165 on one wine glass, do not pay that much money for a wine glass and not expect it to break.

Also maybe your MIL never stood up to FIL on sons behalf was due to her maybe being emotionally bullied and abused by FIL.

And it seems like every day there is a Mumsnet articled in the DM as their own reporters are too illiterate/intelligent to go out and find something worth writing about.

Once again, sorry to the OP, but as someone who knew the moment you posted where this was going (because we've been there already ) the most powerful weapon OP and her DH have now is being open with one another. I guarantee FiL will try and contact DH behind OPs back (the same way MiL is trying) and say something "but don't tell OH".

Our experiences happened pre-Mumsnet, so we never stood a chance. If we had our time over, then ILs would have been NC from day one. Would have saved a lot of heartache, and a physical assault.

oreomini and ticket I also think this is a little over the top and both sides are over-reacting.

There is a child here who needs GP. These people don't sound like monsters to me - the FIL sounds childish and weird about his treasured possession.

I wonder if the glass was his favourite and he loves DIL so he gave it to her to signal she's special and then totally overreacted about the breaking of it.

Of course he shouldn't have demanded money, but returning all the baby stuff and refusing to meet up is a little hysterical.

Really, the DH should send his dad an email or letter saying 'look Dad, you overreacted. We love you, but you're being silly and we expect an apology. There's a new baby to look forward to and let's not let this silly issue ruin everything'.

NC should really only be for people that are dangerous/addicts/you feel will harm your child.

Worst case, you don't let this FIL babysit on his own if you feel he'll blow up over something silly. Someone liking to have their own way isn't a monster.

Your right in letting your husband take the lead on this. He has had a lifetime of this relationship; no matter how good your relationship is with your MIL it's not the same as growing up in it.

It doesn't have to be NC - but he does deserve the time and space to redefine how the relationship works, decide where his lines are and how he relates to them adult to adult.

It sounds as if FIL treats relationships in a very contractual way, with him as the 'buyer' and your DH has decided that actually he's not an employee or a contractor providing the service of 'dutiful son'. He's about to become a parent - it may be that he's reflecting on his own relationships with his father in particular and decided that he wants something different for his own child and that he needs to make a definitive change.

'Only the best' isn't always about material things; it's about time, it's about love, it's about allowing your child to grow up in a supportive environment where success isn't measured in cash terms.

Your child won't remember that their pushchair wasn't the poshest. They'l always remember the first time they realised that granddad's love was conditional on compliance.

oh I have paid near that for a wine glass - nobody ever gets to use it though - my precious :) I broke one myself, still sad about that years later!

no maggie but if you're a man who's spent his life breaking his back providing for his family, you can see why the money is how he tries to treat and value people. My own dad is a bit like this - he's worked 6 days a week for years, he likes to give people things and he likes to be appreciated for that and he is.

Doesn't make him a monster. I wouldn't meet the MIL either unless your DH wants to as you can't 'get round' your DH - she clearly tries to handle and smooth FIL's way as he's prone to these silly stances, it's old fashioned but again, she's just a woman trying to keep everyone happy and see her GC when it arrives.

These are your DH parents first and foremost, GP and IL relationships are secondary. Leave him to decide and don't speak to either PIL again.

Yes, I agree, both sides are over the top. There's a lot of cutting off your nosery on both sides. That's unfortunate for your poor baby who is really going to benefit from having as wide a family circle as possible. (Even if his grandfather is as difficult, it is a learning process.) I say this with some experience, having recently watched one of my nephews crying at my mother's funeral - he was never able to see her much because of a family row between my parents and my sibling. It was sad to see.

Some people are awkward. I have a relative who is much more demanding about paying back money than me. For example, if I buy something for us to eat, I'll think, it's a few quid between us. If she buys something for us she wants me to pay her half back, to the penny. I find her irritating, she probably finds me irritating. You FIL is obviously one of these types of people (and if he's got dementia it will worsen!). I think for the bigger, longer picture you should suck it up, pay the sum and take two plain glasses over there so next time, you don't risk the ridiculous amount he pays for his things again. He is obviously being horribly unreasonable, but damage control is needed now.

What has happened since is a huge amount of 'noise' which has undermined your relationship with your in laws, your husband's relationship with his parents (already a bit precarious) and your forthcoming baby's relationship with his grandparents (sad). Worse, your grandfather seems to hold a lot of financial cards, and he has been able to use this to your and your DH's disadvantage (probably increasing your DH's sense of vulnerability and reminding him of past abuse). I'm not surprised at some of the toxic behaviour because it's quite typical that everyone behaves badly (just like when they were children) in families. Your FIL is obviously a power hungry person and for that reason you should make yourself financially independent from them. Hard, I know when you are about to have a baby, but in the context of this family dynamic, it's important because he won't be able to pull the rug out from under you and it will make your parents more respectful and less likely to try to control you.

Handing prams over the fence in high dudgeon when you rely on his parents is just bad behaviour. You've all got upset, you need to step back before it all gets out of hand.

Good luck

Im still confused why MIL is saying "just give me £60 and I'll get it" - why £60? It seems like such a strangely specific amount.

expatiation No. There is not a child who NEEDS gp. It's great if you have nice gp but really the child doesn't need gp, they need secure loving attachments and they can get those from people other than gp!!!

I think you're right to let DH take the lead - not your circus not your monkeys. It's up to him how he wants to deal with this so you can support and put a united front together.