To insist my son has a chaperone when visiting the headteacher?

[exasperated101]

My son is a "difficult" child. We're awaiting ADHD diagnosis at the moment but it's a slow process. He's in year 6, and this week climbed a fence and ran away from school in the middle of the day (to his childminder's) as there had been an incident at school, for which he felt he had been unfairly punished.

He puts on a huge bravado front but is actually extremely sensitive, cries a lot etc. One of his big problems is an extremely strong sense of what is right and wrong. If he feels he's been wronged or unfairly treated (which is often not the case) his behaviour deteriorates hugely and he can be horrible.

When DS ran away this week, his headteacher let himself into our home. My DP was here but we don't think the headteacher knew that, he'd entered our home looking for my missing DS (school still hadn't called me at that point). DS is scared of the headteacher, and the head has admitted to me that my son's attitude / disrespect makes him feel defensive and he feels his blood pressure rising when around him. DS swears that the headteacher terrifies him and shouts at him when they're alone, but his attitude towards head is cheeky and disrespectful. That's just how my DS presents when he feels threatened/scared. He doesn't cower, cry, go quiet like other children. He becomes defensive and rude. The meltdown comes later.

In light of the above, I've asked to be present when DS is alone with the head, for everyone's sakes. The head has refused. He says I'm missing the point which is my son's bad behaviour (I'm not defending son's behaviour, just want to be there).

AIBU to want someone to supervise these meetings?

Thanks taratill

Really starfish? If you thought there could be a runaway child on the other side of a door, you wouldn’t try the handle? And if he was in danger and you just waited outside, parents wouldn’t complain about that?

YANBU. I work with a child who is known to run away from school, I am not allowed to follow them once they are off the school grounds, nor are any of my colleagues. We have to phone the police and the parents the second they leave the grounds.

There are no circumstances where I would let myself into their house because letting yourself into someones house without permission is illegal.

YANBU to ask that a third person is always present whilst the head talks to DS, however YWBU to insist that it always has to be you, there are times in school where things need to be dealt with quickly and calling you in would be impractical. Is there a TA who your son has a good relationship with who could be the third person? or the SENCO?

As mentioned earlier, my son has ASD. Part of his issues are some of his infant reflexes did not go dormant and this produces some of the symptoms you mentioned your son has. If you haven't done an infant reflex survey you might want to do this one (I don't know this company and I am not recommending them - just their free survey www.inpp.org.uk/child-screening-questionnaire/). My son is starting therapy to get his infant reflexes to become dormant - he will need to do 10-15mins of exercises a day for 12 months.
Also, can I just say you sound lovely. I admire that you have been upfront about your son being difficult. My son is very rule driven and behaves perfectly at school - but used to have melt downs at home as his way of handling the stress at school. Ironically, as a consequence of my son's good behaviour at school, he would be paired with children who were difficult at school in the hope his behaviour would rub off on them. It just left my son over anxious and he ended up being bullied - so I also get what other parents are saying about children being bullied by children with challenging behaviours as my son has been. BUT I think its easier to build tolerance and understanding when parents are open and honest about their children's behaviour - so I think its brilliant you are doing this. For me - its the system which has both let your son and the other children down. It sounds like your son needs more support and I hope he is able to get it.

Having read the whole thread I think that it would probably be best for there to be a second adult present when the head meets with both you and your son. There has clearly been a complete breakdown in your relationship with him and it will both hopefully reassure you that he is acting appropriately and also prevent him from allegations which may or may not be true.

The whole issue of him letting himself into your house is a more complex one. From what you have said your child ran off and left the school premises, the head teacher followed and went to check whether he had gone home. Given the response times that I have seen recently with the police this actually seems like a way of trying to ensure your son is safe rather than waiting in the school while your son is potentially roaming the streets waiting for the police to arrive.

I think that it is completely reasonable given your sons current difficulties with behaviour that the school won't take him on a residential. If they do not feel that they can keep him safe then they can't commit to taking him.

The statement that makes me feel that there is probably more to the break down of relationship between you and the school is where you stated that the head has said that both you and your son make him feel anxious. Have their been any issues between you and the head?

I've asked to be present when DS is alone with the head so how ome the heads got a key to you house?

Maybe a child with SEN can on occasion be naughty and defiant like most children

I find this can be overlooked - kids with SEN are still kids! They will make mistakes, and they will need support to help them learn the correct response. But let's not excuse them of other behaviours, they can still be manipulative and they can still lie if they think it's in their best interests to do so. To get to the bottom of the behaviour of what happened and why and the child's understanding of it and their emotions takes time and patience. They then need guidance, but they also need boundaries.

Just to add, it doesn't seem like the OPs DS was given cooling off time before being spoken to, and an exasperated member of staff (who is human by the way so let's not vilify them) has said about missing out on lunch/break all next week due to your DS response. No mention of what punishment the other boy got, but maybe by this point DS went off like a rocket and ran before he heard it? The fact your DS feels it was unfair made me feel like he was angry over what happened rather than anxiety being the overriding emotion.

Some kids with SEN need to be in schools that have the staffing to pupil ratio where they can calmly take kids inside when incidents happen and after calming down can talk through what happened. It can be quite hard to do this in mainstream if you don't have the staff.

So regarding the residential, unless your DS will have someone assigned to him to support him with his behaviour, I do think it would be in his best interests and that of the school that he doesn't go. God forbid something happened and your DS ran away and was put at significant risk.

Are you ok, gameNight? You sound..............er, argumentative?

So when did he run away to the childminder? How does he manage to get out of the school building? Most schools are have security measures to prevent this. Weird how no-one contacted you.

I had to pull youngest out of a school and put him in another because the teacher was so completely and utterly challenged by anything and everything that DS did. This teacher fortunately had a meltdown and started raging at me in front of the head at a parent teacher conference. They helped me arrange to move my child out of danger.
It isn't always the child that is the problem in a relationship.

*I'm not saying that he definitely does have ADHD, some of the things she have described sound a bit like ASD/PDA.

I also thought ASD.

As mentioned earlier, my son has ASD. Part of his issues are some of his infant reflexes did not go dormant and this produces some of the symptoms you mentioned your son has.

Many things can cause the symptoms the Op’s DS displays and whilst INPP does have its benefits there is a tendency for other things causing the same symptoms to be discounted. It really can be a case of its INPP and nothing else.

Regarding the HT's entrance into the house, did he enter calling out hello, come in bellowing or come in quietly? If he came in calling out hello, I wouldn't really have a problem, anything else would be alarming. Did he look guilty or just worried when DP saw him?

I have a son who does similar to the op's son. Also in year 6. He gets extremely frustrated when things aren't "fair." He's just been diagnosed with high functioning autism.

He never ran away from school but would do things like go hide under a desk and cry.

School were great with him - allowing him to leave the classroom and pace up and down the hall until he calmed down. They put him forward for meeting a child psychologist who came to the school. He was put on the path to a diagnosis. They were patient with him and he's gradually growing out of his tantrums.

This head teacher clearly doesn't have a lot of patience. I can empathise with him, but he's really gone too far. He knows he has because he's lying about what he's said to the op.

As Derxa says, more information about the DP would be helpful. Why didn't he answer the door? What was his reaction when the child turned up having run away from school? What did he say to the head when he found him in the house? What part does he play in parenting the child?

I think the head fucked up, but the grown up thing to do would be try to empathise with him, as your ds sounds like a very difficult part of anyone's job and no one is perfect.
The big thing to do would be to compromise, say you know he needs to be talked to by the head in these situations, but can it be with another person present to keep things a bit less hysterical and also so head can stay in the school next time if he tries to run away. I think calling yourself a disinterested party in all this who can see it both ways shows you are not the right person to be in the room when the head is trying to discipline your son. I have had children like this as a teacher who think that try are being punished unfairly. They are usually being dillusional or they were 1% in the right but still 99% in the wrong.

The child doesn't have ADHD.

How could you possibly know. My DS has ASD the day before he was diagnosed he had ASD. The year before he was diagnosed he had ASD. Diagnosis does not magically confer a child with a condition. There is clearly an issue with the boy, he parents have seen this, clearly the school are seeing this. But lucky they have you gameNight to rule it out absolutely

@PinkbicyclesinBerlin

Until they have a diagnosis, it is the logical and sensible position to say he doesn't. This isn't fixed and when presented with new evidence they you could say that he does.

"Diagnosis does not magically confer a child with a condition."

Actually, that's exactly what it does, especially within a school setting.

I think your relationship with the school has broken down. Look for another school. Your child's behaviour is unacceptable, whatever his diagnosis. You admit he is rude to the HT and defiant.

The HT handled the ball incident badly. However, I would not want your son on a residential without a one to one. It's not fair on him, the other children or the teachers. They are stressful enough without a rude defiant child in the mix.

Look for another school and a fresh start. The HT will not allow your chaperone idea, and neither should he.

As yet, your DS is undiagnosed, which given that he's Year 6 is surprising since you seem to think his problems are quite serious. Any DC I know with serious problems is usually diagnosed around Year 3.

Sorry, but this is nonsense. Diagnosing neurodevelopment disorders is a slow process in itself, and CAMHS and paediatric services are chronically understaffed and underfunded. Many children are not diagnosed until far too late, some not until well into their teens.

Have people given up reading the OP's messages?

We don't hear much about the DP's role in this. Why didn't he answer the door?

Because, derxa and TrickyD, the head walked straight in without waiting for an answer.

As for him letting himself into your home, it's a bit weird, but the door was open; it's not like he broke in

As OP has said, Pengggwn, the door was closed but not locked. I don't know about you, but I don't regard an unlocked but closed door as an open invitation to walk into someone's house. In fact, when I ring doorbells I'm not in the habit of trying the door to check anyway.

gamenight, your suggestion that a child doesn't have a condition unless and until it is diagnosed is totally illogical. All a diagnosis does is assign a label to a condition that is already there. If someone dies of an undiagnosed condition which is detected by a pathologist after their death, are you going to say they never had that condition? If so, why did they die?