To insist my son has a chaperone when visiting the headteacher?

[exasperated101]

My son is a "difficult" child. We're awaiting ADHD diagnosis at the moment but it's a slow process. He's in year 6, and this week climbed a fence and ran away from school in the middle of the day (to his childminder's) as there had been an incident at school, for which he felt he had been unfairly punished.

He puts on a huge bravado front but is actually extremely sensitive, cries a lot etc. One of his big problems is an extremely strong sense of what is right and wrong. If he feels he's been wronged or unfairly treated (which is often not the case) his behaviour deteriorates hugely and he can be horrible.

When DS ran away this week, his headteacher let himself into our home. My DP was here but we don't think the headteacher knew that, he'd entered our home looking for my missing DS (school still hadn't called me at that point). DS is scared of the headteacher, and the head has admitted to me that my son's attitude / disrespect makes him feel defensive and he feels his blood pressure rising when around him. DS swears that the headteacher terrifies him and shouts at him when they're alone, but his attitude towards head is cheeky and disrespectful. That's just how my DS presents when he feels threatened/scared. He doesn't cower, cry, go quiet like other children. He becomes defensive and rude. The meltdown comes later.

In light of the above, I've asked to be present when DS is alone with the head, for everyone's sakes. The head has refused. He says I'm missing the point which is my son's bad behaviour (I'm not defending son's behaviour, just want to be there).

AIBU to want someone to supervise these meetings?

NO, OP, they've failed not you! Their responsibility, education and safeguarding. Do not start blaming yourself, I won't let you! IPSEA can even give you the correct wording to send emails, the legalities, etc.

there had been an incident at school, for which he felt he had been unfairly punished.

What was the original incident and punishment OP, and how do you know it was unfair?

If one of my ds' ran away from school, I'd be bloody glad of someone from the school coming round to look for them. He'd not have let himself in if the door was locked.

On a separate note, maybe if you asked for your ds to be accompanied by someone "for support" rather than "a chaperone" (which frankly makes it sound like the head is a danger to him) you might get further. Obv your first responsibility is to advocate for your ds but you will not benefit him by alienating the head and governors.

The head is focussing on your son running away and his behaviour because if this had been handled properly it would be classed as them losing a child and is a serious incident notifiable to OFSTED...that's why he was so desperate to find him and well....They are on thin ice anyway aren't they with a needs improvement... an incident is the last thing they need. Then they will need to go into all the support they are evidently not offering and your son says the head shouts at him when they are alone...

My DS sounds exactly like yours. We just received the EHCP I applied for after 3 schools said he wouldn't get one. Turns out he has complex needs...I know.

I am probably way off beam but if you happen to live in a town beginning with S where your school is run by a Mr G...know that you are not alone...many many children have been let down and the man should have been sacked a long time ago.

Yes, I think "for support" is probably better wording than asking for a chaperone, thanks.

That's it, I don't want to do DS more harm than good by alienating the head. I do support the school in whatever they ask me to do, but after telling me he has had a good year (with daily reports from the class teacher) they are now telling me his attitude is shocking and he's not going to cope in secondary without the level of "support and understanding" that his current teacher offers. They want to focus on his behaviour but it's hard to know what to do when this is an isolated incident and his

Original incident - a boy kept throwing a wet football at my DS. DS got upset because his shirt was getting wet and muddy, DS threw it back at the boy's face, at close range and grit went in the boy's eye (which I and DS both know was wrong in and of itself!). The boy told the teacher that DS had punched the boy (not sure why) and teacher came and got DS and told him that he would lose his lunchtime and breaks for the rest of the week. DS went into meltdown mode, told teacher that two other children witnessed this at close range and would corroborate his story (that he threw the ball but didn't punch). Then DS ran away to CM's house.

What has happened so far in the ADHD diagnosis process?

I do find that my son is never believed...(He has ADHD, actual ADHD I'm not labelling him with anything ). I find it very frustrating because his understanding of events can be skewed sometimes but he's not a liar...If you unlock what he is saying it's quite easy to get to the bottom of things.

On many occasions he has turned out to be in the right but still...He can be difficult and frankly not that likeable sometimes so teachers just tend to go with the other child. Drives me nuts.

He's setting himself up for trouble letting himself in! Go to the Governors.

YABU. Your son is not the only child the HT is responsible for

OP- sorry but with regards the football incident, you are assuming that your son's side of the story is fact and the other child is lying.

You may be right but also you may not.

I was at our PS when a child went missing- she'd just gone home. I knew where she lived so I and the Deputy Head went looking for her. The office and the HT were delegated to phone. If they hadn't located her within so many minutes then the police needed to be called and the whole thing would've escalated.
Therefore locating the child asap for their own safety is the number one priority. If something had happened your kid would you be happy if the HT was fannying around.
I can see a scenario where the HT thought the child was in the house but just wasn't answering the door so he needed to locate child asap.

somefolkaresoentitled and that is a typical NT parent response, easier to blame the parent and the child!

You do know that ADHD / ASD are neurodevelopmental conditions that you are born with? Right? Whether he is diagnosed yet or not is irrelevant. He clearly has educational needs that are not being met which have caused him to be so anxious that he needs to escape.

The OP sounds very sensible in trying to get her sons needs met and once they are the behaviour will improve.

Trust me, I've been there I know.
But yes parents of NT kids don't get it. Lucky for them they will never need to.

YANBY, I've not read all the posts but based on your oppening post, your son needs you there for him if he has to be with this weird, angry man.

I thin before your headteacher sees your son I'd have a meeting with him and your dp where you explain that the headteachers behaviour has been unacceptable and letting himself into your home while looking for your son who he had not reported as missing is a fucking big no no (just don't say fucking!)

But I expect someone else has already said that.

But i do also agree a bit with MyOtherProfile Could you just insist someone goes with him rather than it being you?"

I'd definitely say a one to one with an adult you are scared of as you await an ADHD diagnosis is not on.

TaraTill
Whilst I agree that someone always has ADHD and I know this because I have it even though I wasn't diagnosed until age 27, the OP's son may not have ADHD at all.

The OP needs to chase up the diagnosis.

@PersianCatLady you can't "chase" a diagnosis! It takes a long time, the system is stretched to the max and it doesn't work in a way that the parent who shouts loudest / hassles the LA most gets their child seen first, nor should it.

It's clear to me, his school, most people who come into contact with him with an understanding of SEN, that he is not NT.

OP - where are you at the moment in the diagnosis process?

What medical professionals have you seen?

Not you personally, your son.

PersianCatLady her son is in the process. It can be a lengthy process due to the lack of funding.

I'm not saying that he definitely does have ADHD, some of the things she have described sound a bit like ASD/PDA my argument is with the response that it is more likely that he is just being a naughty boy. You simply don't get through the screening process to be assessed unless there appears to be more to it than that.

Treating it as naughty behaviour can be extremely damaging and heighten anxiety.

The OP will be feeling bad enough as it is without being judged and having her parenting judged.

That is the worse part of being a SEN parent, my child is too anxious to be at school at the moment and I know the majority of our friends truly believe that if 'it were their child' he would be and that shouting it out as behaviour would 'fix it'.

They have no idea.

@taratill sorry about the issues you're having with your son.

@PersianCatLady we've been to two EPs (one privately), then the LA EP puts the child onto "the pathway" if they think it's warranted. Then questionnaires by school and home to get to the next stage of the pathway. Then an appointment at the ADHD/ASD clinic, who decide whether the child meets the criteria to get to the next stage, which is the appointment with the community paediatrician. That's where we're at, waiting for that appointment.

Persian, there were two witnesses that op's son was telling the truth.

Tara
I agree, he definitely sounds as if he has ASD traits and I would never say he is being a "naughty boy"

My GP at the time fought hard to get my diagnosis and again to get me medication as it is unlicensed for adults.

I have known parents of ADHD children be told that the SENCO from school must initiate the diagnosis process and although that is one way, going direct to the GP has been quicker for three children that I know.

I wasn't trying to be mean to the OP, I was trying to help by seeing if there is another way.

The thing is though, until he has an official diagnosis, he won't get the support that he needs and deserves because of the "system"

@OP YANBU. In light of the heads actions and his comments re: his blood pressure I'd also be reporting to Ofsted.

OP - Good, at least he is nearer the end of the process than the beginning so hang on in there.

It must be awful bug there is light at the end of the tunnel.

May I ask, are you planning to let him try medication at all?

For me personally, it changed my life but it isn't suitable for everyone and there are other things that can be tried as well.

I know this is not really the point but I would be complaining to the governors about how the headteacher handled your son going missing. It was really inappropriate to enter your home alone without even speaking to you first. I mean what was he going to do if your son was there and refused to go with him??

OP - Forgot to add, have you spoken to your GP at all to see if they could do anything as this is really affecting both your son's life and your family life?