To insist my son has a chaperone when visiting the headteacher?

[exasperated101]

My son is a "difficult" child. We're awaiting ADHD diagnosis at the moment but it's a slow process. He's in year 6, and this week climbed a fence and ran away from school in the middle of the day (to his childminder's) as there had been an incident at school, for which he felt he had been unfairly punished.

He puts on a huge bravado front but is actually extremely sensitive, cries a lot etc. One of his big problems is an extremely strong sense of what is right and wrong. If he feels he's been wronged or unfairly treated (which is often not the case) his behaviour deteriorates hugely and he can be horrible.

When DS ran away this week, his headteacher let himself into our home. My DP was here but we don't think the headteacher knew that, he'd entered our home looking for my missing DS (school still hadn't called me at that point). DS is scared of the headteacher, and the head has admitted to me that my son's attitude / disrespect makes him feel defensive and he feels his blood pressure rising when around him. DS swears that the headteacher terrifies him and shouts at him when they're alone, but his attitude towards head is cheeky and disrespectful. That's just how my DS presents when he feels threatened/scared. He doesn't cower, cry, go quiet like other children. He becomes defensive and rude. The meltdown comes later.

In light of the above, I've asked to be present when DS is alone with the head, for everyone's sakes. The head has refused. He says I'm missing the point which is my son's bad behaviour (I'm not defending son's behaviour, just want to be there).

AIBU to want someone to supervise these meetings?

Wax, it's not so much that teachers are specifically working alone with dc, more that sometimes it just happens in the course of their working day.

The lack of understanding on here is shocking! My son is in the process of being assessed with no diagnosis yet, but his teachers are still making adjustments for him in class to make life easier for him.
Everyone is focusing on the behaviour, not what happened before to make him act this way. Cause and effect, he didn't do it for no reason, and however silly we think the reason might be, to him it is a big deal. This is the problem with integration in schools, the staff are poorly trained in special needs and the children suffer. I have supported adults with learning disabilities/ autism etc and you support them to deal with and manage their frustrations/ behaviour and learn their triggers, to avoid meltdowns etc. The head sounds like he hasn't got a clue, and I would want someone with my son too.

I think you should be grateful to the head for coming to your house to look for your son. Has your son been disciplined for running away from school?

How on earth did we, as a society, get to the point where an adult looking out for a child's best interests is being viewed as 'hiding something' or 'crossing boundaries'. If this happened to me, I would be thanking the school and working with them.

It sounds to me like the situation here is out of control.

I have a DS with high functioning ASD and he finds all forms of authority difficult to deal with. He tends to be highly critical and somewhat inflammatory about those members of staff he dislikes. I have learnt over the years to take some of what he says with a pinch of salt. I never dismiss it, but I always want to hear the other side of the story and let DS calm down and then talk it through.

I'm not saying your DS is doing this OP, but he may be letting his very strong, black & white feelings colour how he views interactions with the head. He may, I'm not saying he is, but it is a possibility.

The situation where the Head brought your son home is fairly exceptional and I don't think you should get too hung up on him coming into your home when the door was open. It is not ideal, but maybe he didn't know if anyone was there, or if the house had been broken into. If I think about what I might have done, I think if I was escorting a runaway child home and the door of the house was open, I would probably step inside too. I agree it isn't ideal, but you have to think of the exceptional circumstances going on at that time.

Your DS clearly needs more support at school and you need to engage with the head asap and also your GP to see what can be done. If you have any cash available at all, you might want to think about a private assessment to try and speed things up a bit.

It al sounds very dangerous for all concerned.

You need a proper diagnosis op could you go private? Your sins behaviour needs to be tackled or he will end up in serious trouble.

Call a proper meeting with the HT, senior management team. No he obviously can’t go on a residential trip

@Heartofglass12345

Spot on. Unfortunately there is very limited understanding or desire of people to understand.

@Openthepickles

Disciplined for what? Having special needs?

He needs understanding and measures put in to remove the anxiety which has caused him to feel that he needs to escape.

I could have written this post myself with the sense of fairness, jumping school wall, crying, aggression and meltdowns etc and it's all based around his anxiety. However my son is diagnosed ASD and we have a lot of Sen involvement now due to complete mishandling.

Whether your child is diagnosed or not, he's struggling at school so the senco should be looking at ways yo intervene and help. Trust me if these issues aren't addressed then it can easily escalate.

Have you got a school contact who you can meet with regularly or email?

I do empathise with you, I dread the phone ringing these days to say he's gone missing again or had a meltdown.

In terms of diagnosis, we are very nearly there. Anyone who has been through the diagnostic process for ADHD will know it's a long road. We had the EP, who then made the referral to the ASD/ADHD clinic. We then had questionnaires to complete, then a wait for a screening appointment at the clinic. The clinic has screened and passed us on to the next stage which is to wait for an appointment with the community paediatrician. It's slow!

Honestly, I know my son is a difficult child and I've been transparent about that. But he says he is intimidated by the headteacher, and I felt that having a chaperone would be best for all.

This is the first time he has had to see the headteacher this year. I know to a parent of an NT child this sounds like no big deal, but last year he was in the head's office most weeks. DS has made an improvement in his behaviour but any conflict and he just goes into the red zone and becomes rude and obnoxious and defensive, as has happened here.

An impartial person present at any future meetings (of which there may be none!) for the last few weeks of year 6 was a reasonable solution, I thought, given the head's admittance that my DS makes him also feel stressed. I offered to go myself as I work 5 minutes from school and I don't want to be removing any TAs or other people from other things when they're all busy.

The head has a lot on his plate as the school has recently been downgraded to "Needs Improvement" so I'm sure this is the last thing he needs but my concern is obviously that my DS doesn't suffer and have his hard work so far this year undone by one (admittedly awful) incident, which I think has arisen due to school's poor handling.

Unfortunately some teachers don’t recognise SN children and just see them as naughty.

Even today. It’s hard enough persuading teachers to test for dyslexia so it must be very very hard op

I don't think it's reasonable for you to be present every time your DS sees the HT but would think it reasonable that another member of staff - his class teacher or a TA working with him - but that would then have implications for supervision of the other children.

I think that you need to have a meeting with the HT - and possibly the Senco - to clarify exactly what has happened and how you can go forward.

If you are still unhappy - either with the way they are dealing with your DS or the HTs actions - then you need to contact the Chair of Governors . The school should have complaints procedure on the school website.

Like a pp said: the head teacher should have MANAGED the search and COORDINATED it from the school.

Two staff members should have been sent off to search the area and the head teacher should have called the parents and if he believed the child was in danger, the police.

He did none of that. He went, ALONE, to the OP's house and let himself in even though the door was closed.

Whatever else is going on, this would set all my alarm bells ringing. Why is that head not following proper procedure? Did he need time to intimidate the boy.

And yes, there absolutely needs to be a child advocate present when the head talks to the boy. Even just this one instance is ridiculous behaviour from the head.

imagine what would have been said on here if the boy when running away hadn’t gone home and if the head had just rung mum and done nothing else!!

Asa an aside, if you are in the UK - do you think your son is feeling under pressure more at the moment because lots of schools are preparing for the year 6 SAT tests?

imagine what would have been said on here if the boy when running away hadn’t gone home and if the head had just rung mum and done nothing else!!

But those weren't the only two options, go himself or do nothing.

A proper head teacher with his head screwed on straight would have managed and coordinated the search!

Yes, son is definitely stressed about SATS too. He does already have a diagnosis of dyslexia and auditory processing delay, and in light of his fidgeting/inability to concentrate with any distractions and likelihood to distract other children with rocking on his chair / humming / talking out loud, he's sitting the SATS in a room alone.

I will ask for a meeting with headteacher and SENCO and go from there.

Wtaf?! He let himself into yout home?!?!

As often happens, the education authority and school have not put in the correct provision for this lad. They can't have done because by the age of 10 any sen would be apparent. You don't need a diagnosis for provision, particularly when awaiting diagnosis. The school aren't handling the incidents, therefore there are no successful strategies in place. This is school/LA responsibility, who should have brought a behaviour specialist in to form a plan with strategies and sanctions. OP's responsibility is to attend all meeting as requested. IPSEA will tell you this OP, school and LEA responsibility. OP has NOT self diagnosed, there is suspected ADHD, therefore a professional, NOT op, has suspected this. Challenging behaviour is not likely to be "naughty behavior" in this case, again particularly as a professional has decided he needs diagnosing. Unfortunately op, even when you do have diagnosis, some hard of thinking people, even in this day and age will call ds naughty, problem child, nightmare, etc and also blame you! The Head was panicking due to his own failings to ensure correct provision. Once this is in place, the Head and staff can relax more because as a team, they have a plan to follow. All that's happening now (and probably for some time) is you and ds are clashing with the Head, causing stress and bitterness all round. IPSEA will advise you what to write/request from LEA and cc to Head and governers. They haven't done their job, so you'll have to do it for them! I don't think ds should go on the trip because there is no provision for him. Is there a parent/partner group in your area to provide someone to chaperone the meeting? If not, IPSEA can advise you on this too. Poor lad and you too

Yes, senco should be there (another one who hasn't done their job) but you also need someone not attached to the school, parent/partnership or whoever IPSEA suggests. This is very important OP. Good luck.

Sendidas in our area offer support at meetings. Might be worth phoning them.
IPSEA is very good as leggere says.

Thank you to those who have offered practical support, and agencies to contact. It's so hard to find your own feet with all this. Thank you also to those with kind words who understand, you've made me cry, but it's something of a tonic knowing that other people "get it" and understand how tough it is to know how to parent a child like this for the best.

It sounds like the HT is worried about your son. No HT would make this much effort if he didn’t care. Why not sit with him calmly and discuss this. As the school was downgraded he is likely to be replaced; the new HT may be worse so you need that good will fostered from now.

As an ex-Y6 teacher I'd like to make a few points:

1. You should definitely raise a concern with the Governors and use the word "safeguarding". If your son has run away from school, not phoning you/your DP immediately is a breach of the safeguarding policy. And it was not appropriate for the HT to go to your house and walk in. I would really strongly raise this with governors. It may be that the governors are in the HT's pocket (as at my last school) and won't hear a word against him, in which case you complain to the local authority.

1. As someone who has led numerous Y6 residential trips, I'm afraid I would be refusing to take your son at this point. A Y6 child who can't be trusted not to run away from school? No way I'm taking them on a residential trip in a less secure, more adventurous environment if I cannot trust them to follow instructions or there is the slightest risk they will do a runner. Just not worth the risk. It is stressful enough taking other people's children away and being responsible for their safety. I have refused to take children away before if I wasn't convinced they were safe to take, and the school has backed me up. If a child runs away or disobeys instructions on a residential, the consequences could be tragic and career-ending for the staff.

1. YABU to say you must be present if your son is with the HT, but not BU to ask that another person such as a TA is present.

1. It''s very difficult if SEN assessments are not completed by the end of primary to make sure they are completed in secondary. You should be prepared for the possibility that the secondary may want to start the assessment procedures all over again on their behalf.

1. Please liaise as much as you can with the secondary before September, especially with the head of Y7 and SENCO. They need to be fully aware of your son's needs. I'm afraid it's true that secondaries tend to exclude for bad behaviour/defiant behaviour much much quicker than primaries do. One meltdown at secondary and he could be out.

IMO, a child with dyslexia, auditory processing problems and possibly ADHD, who has run away from school and been in the HT's office every week last year should be assessed for an EHC plan.

Has DC ever been assessed by a speech and language therapist? If not, the dyslexia and auditory processing problems may indicate language problems as well, which need to be ruled out? If an EHC assessment were agreed, parents have the right in law to ask for assessments to be done by any professional where it's reasonable, and I'd ask for DC to be assessed by a speech and language therapist.

TheMadGardener - an assessment for an EHC plan by the LA has a statutory timetable of 20 weeks, and it's not upto a secondary school to insist the process should be started again. It sounds like there is plenty of evidence at the primary school.

OP - schools frequently do not understood the law on SEN, as they are only fed misinformation on the subject by LAs, whose main concern is to save money - an EHC plan is like an open cheque, likely to cost money in terms of 1:1 support, specialist teaching, speech therapy or even placement in a specialist school!

While, it is a good idea to ask the school if they will support you in a request for an assessment for an EHC plan , you need to be in the driving seat and write to The Director of Education - schools may leave SEN matters for months/years or do nothing at all (having been told by their LA any old rubbish these days)! You are the only person, who will get up and fight for DC - because the hidden agenda is always to save money, regardless of what the law says about what SEN children are entitled to! If not, as PP have said, DC will likely be excluded from secondary school!

@Checklist thank you for that information. I was under the impression that ECH plans could only be instigated by school, and only after a firm diagnosis. I feel like I've really failed by taking school's word for this and not getting better informed myself. I'll get onto this now.

Imagine what would have been said on here if the boy when running away hadn’t gone home and if the head had just rung mum and done nothing else!

Or if the head had knocked on the door, no answer, had called the police who found child at home with door open. Loud cries here of 'wasting police time, why didn't he look properly?'