To insist my son has a chaperone when visiting the headteacher?

[exasperated101]

My son is a "difficult" child. We're awaiting ADHD diagnosis at the moment but it's a slow process. He's in year 6, and this week climbed a fence and ran away from school in the middle of the day (to his childminder's) as there had been an incident at school, for which he felt he had been unfairly punished.

He puts on a huge bravado front but is actually extremely sensitive, cries a lot etc. One of his big problems is an extremely strong sense of what is right and wrong. If he feels he's been wronged or unfairly treated (which is often not the case) his behaviour deteriorates hugely and he can be horrible.

When DS ran away this week, his headteacher let himself into our home. My DP was here but we don't think the headteacher knew that, he'd entered our home looking for my missing DS (school still hadn't called me at that point). DS is scared of the headteacher, and the head has admitted to me that my son's attitude / disrespect makes him feel defensive and he feels his blood pressure rising when around him. DS swears that the headteacher terrifies him and shouts at him when they're alone, but his attitude towards head is cheeky and disrespectful. That's just how my DS presents when he feels threatened/scared. He doesn't cower, cry, go quiet like other children. He becomes defensive and rude. The meltdown comes later.

In light of the above, I've asked to be present when DS is alone with the head, for everyone's sakes. The head has refused. He says I'm missing the point which is my son's bad behaviour (I'm not defending son's behaviour, just want to be there).

AIBU to want someone to supervise these meetings?

Are you in the UK op?

The headteacher was incredibly stupid to both enter your home and potentially be alone with your your DS. Risky behaviour both from the child's POV and the head putting himself at risk of allegations he couldn't defend.

Don't think I'd waste police time with it, but would certainly tell the school governers so they get an appropriate policy in place (though I expect there already is one and the HT ignored it).

Move schools immediately

Is this a private school - it sounds like it is

It is quite impractical and unreasonable to expect to be present whenever the head speaks to your child. You could try asking if he would allow you accompny your child in lesson for a few days so you can see for his behaviour towards his teachers yourself. But he may well refuse.

Not every badly behaved child is suffering from ADHD, and yours has not been diagnosed. I agree with Roaring20s, you need to take more responsibility for you son's conduct and remember that he is not the only child in the school.

As far as entering your house was concerned that is unusual, but he was probably trying to eliminate that before he extended his search or cslled the police.

I feel a bit sorry for the headteacher. What a huge responsibility and undertaking for a teacher who let's face it probably doesn't have a high enough salary to match the amount of work he has to undertake.
Probably your DS isn't the only challenging pupil he has to deal with.

Having said that, I also feel extremely sorry for your DS . The impact on your whole family must be tremendous.Really don't know what the solution is. Only hope a solution can be found.

Sorry for typos!

Is there any possibility that you could withdraw your son and home ed foe the remainder of Y6? It sounds like the relationship between the school, you as parents and your child has broken down. I can't imagine that your DS is getting much benefit from being there?

Sorry but he let himself in your house!!!
Cant get past that. That is taking crossing boundaried too far

It’s impractical to be you but ask that a neutral person is there. Even to protect the head.

Head shouldn’t have let himself into your house. Wouldn’t be happy about that.

You've clearly stated that its a chaperone for everyone's benefit, what a good idea! Sounds like a way forwards for both your son and the Head.

I can’t get past how the head let themselves into your home

The head is deflecting his unreasonable behaviour in the whole ‘don’t look at me, look at your ds’ play. My ds2 (adhd & asd) ran away from school one day (not locked but supposedly supervised gate) and they tried to deflect their failings onto my ds’s Actions. But even then they didn’t cross the road to our house to look for him. They called me as soon as the caretaker had identified my son and told the office.

I wouldn’t send my dc back there. I did actually have to withdraw one of ds1 from school and homeschool for a while whilst we went through assessments because I knew the school he was at were not keeping him safe.

I really can’t get past how he let himself into your home! I would have put him on his arse for that and I’m really not a violent person

"Presents as"?

I imagine what the OP means by 'entering the house' is that the head, frantic with worry, has gone to the house, maybe looked through the letter box/window and tried the door handle and found it open. Thinking her DS maybe had a key has gone in to see if he was there. I would do this if i was very worried about the whereabouts of a child.

Wouldn’t the correct protocol be to call the police if a child has disappeared from school?

That’s a story with way too many questions left unanswered.

It seems perfectly reasonable for you to ask for there to always be a third party in the room when your child sees the HT. Not you though, a TA, receptionist, staff member.

And it would also be extremely reasonable to ask for an inquiry into how the school handled the incident. Surely there is a protocol when a child leaves school without permission during the school day, and it seems unlikely that this protocol suggests the HT personally search surrounding areas and the child’s home before contacting police or parents.

I imagine what the OP means by 'entering the house' is that the head, frantic with worry, has gone to the house

But not so frantic he phoned the boy’s parents. That is the first thing I would do after a initial search of the school.

Unless, of course, they were hoping to cover it up

I can’t believe that people are so hung up about head letting themselves in. If you’re desperately searching for a vulnerable missing child then entering an unlocked house to find them is an entirely proportionate response. I’ve walked into a strangers’ house myself looking for the parent of a random distressed toddler who was on the doorstep and I’d defend that action every day.

Returning to the subject of the OP, I think having a more neutral 3rd party present at meetings with head would be a good idea but you can’t insist it’s you. Maybe a trusted LSA?

Don’t call the Police as that’ll help the situation

Outrageous. What your child did pales into insignificant beside what the head did. What had he already done that put him in such a panic? Make a complaint and change schools. Talk to your child about the consequences of being a twit, you can't control what people do when upset, and although a headteacher should have more control it will end in tears. Good luck

event

That’s an entirely different scenario. I’m assuming you didn’t have the parents contact details to hand.

I’m with soupdragonhe was trying to cover it up

YOu need to immediately write a formal letter to the SENCO lead, the governing body of your school and the local authority telling them what you have said here.

He let himself into your home.

HE DIDN'T CALL YOU, BUT LET HIMSELF INTO YOUR HOME.

He has refused the request for a third person to be involved in meetings with your child, although admits the child really gets to him

Even though he knows the child is awaiting a SN diagnosis (ADHD), he is refusing to acknowledge it and saying it's all about behaviour.

Make it very clear your child is NOT to meet with the Head alone under any circumstances from this point forward. You or your DP will be there. And request the SENCO head be present as well.

I'd also consider reporting to Ofsted.

Hmm, I have a kid with a very black and white sense of what is right and wrong who refuses to be cowed and argues back if unfairly treated. It's very difficult isn't it? Mine also clashed badly with an authoritarian head over fairly minor issues.

We had to put a lot of work in with ours along the lines of "Sometimes people in power are arseholes but as a kid it's hard to challenge. You have to suck it up now, vent when you get home and you can change the world when you grow up."

I would insist that you accompany ds, or the meeting does not happen, how awful. i would also raise a complaint about the head.

OP hasn’t asked for a chaperone she has asked that she herself attend, this means that the head has lost all power in his own school and is completely unpractical. It must be awful to be a mother in this situation but it is pretty awful to be a teacher or classmember too. Your ds was at serious risk off on his like that and I hope when you speak to him about it you focus on his behaviour and not on the HTs.
I’m imagining the ht walked or drove straight to their house, it would be office staff who would call the parents anyway (and nice to have a call saying he’s safe at home, not just missing!) don’t think the HT acted very well but it was an unusual situation.