To insist my son has a chaperone when visiting the headteacher?

[exasperated101]

My son is a "difficult" child. We're awaiting ADHD diagnosis at the moment but it's a slow process. He's in year 6, and this week climbed a fence and ran away from school in the middle of the day (to his childminder's) as there had been an incident at school, for which he felt he had been unfairly punished.

He puts on a huge bravado front but is actually extremely sensitive, cries a lot etc. One of his big problems is an extremely strong sense of what is right and wrong. If he feels he's been wronged or unfairly treated (which is often not the case) his behaviour deteriorates hugely and he can be horrible.

When DS ran away this week, his headteacher let himself into our home. My DP was here but we don't think the headteacher knew that, he'd entered our home looking for my missing DS (school still hadn't called me at that point). DS is scared of the headteacher, and the head has admitted to me that my son's attitude / disrespect makes him feel defensive and he feels his blood pressure rising when around him. DS swears that the headteacher terrifies him and shouts at him when they're alone, but his attitude towards head is cheeky and disrespectful. That's just how my DS presents when he feels threatened/scared. He doesn't cower, cry, go quiet like other children. He becomes defensive and rude. The meltdown comes later.

In light of the above, I've asked to be present when DS is alone with the head, for everyone's sakes. The head has refused. He says I'm missing the point which is my son's bad behaviour (I'm not defending son's behaviour, just want to be there).

AIBU to want someone to supervise these meetings?

@exasperated101 thanks, we are much better now I know that school is not the right environment and we are on path to getting an alternative educational provision through the EHCP. I have had 2 years of trying to get DS to go to school and to be happy there but now accept that it is just cruel to him to continue as he is so anxious.

The constant daily fight for support is exhausting and having the diagnosis does not open as many doors as you would think, sadly.

how did he get to be a head if one child stresses him out?
yes children can be insanely challenging
have known a few
but if it effects his performance as a teacher/muchless a head
he shouldn't be doing the job and if the school is now"needs improvement"
he's doing a shitty job all told.sounds like its on the line.

and yes to a chaparone
good luck

Please can you tell me how the head let himself into your house? Surely that's breaking and entering.

VelvetSpoon
I don’t understand your point. Ops ds already has some diagnoses. She’s awaiting to find out if there are others. I’m not reading the op as defending his behaviour. This does not sound similar to the boy to whom you are referring.

Op i side with your son (if telling the truth). The kicking wet ball at him should be as serious as him throwing it back (as it sounds like he was not playing with the other child and actually possibly it's bullying which would make sense with the other boy then lying about the punch).
I can now see what you are saying about sense of justice etc.
However clearly he needed to report the other boy first. No reason for ds to have known grit would get in the boy's eye. Or walk away.
Possibly he doesn't like getting others on trouble and doesnt like the head already/thinks he wont be believed.
I also agree with pp that the house visit was because if it was reported to the police it would be an incident possibly affecting ofsted.

I think maybe if this was the only time he has absconded surely the school can get past it re a school trip. If he has always been fine other times.
Part of bullying is that kids try to rile the ones that rise to it and if you get a reputation for that.
Not sure of the name in this context but something like STAR (interviews) may help where you look at the situation actions and results.
I find our school will only say 'x kicky a ball and grit into y eye'. They never say but y was kicking wet ball at him.
I think certainly schools are failing kids with SEN.
Plus once kids are known as challenging even the head and teachers will treat them differently.
As in naturally more likely to think they are at fault.
Even on this thread he is assumed at fault because of the adhd (and i guess running off which is clearly wrong), but just the description of him etc was enough despite not knowing what happened in the incident.
It would be goodto go in and discuss with school what happened ds version see what they say and just see if this incident can be forgotten about in terms of the kicking the ball punishment or punish both kids. Explaining to the other one why it upset ds (wet/cold/didnt want to play), why he was annoyed the other child didnt stop when asked.
I think by just punishing the end violence is missing a huge part out it's the explanation to kids dont/why not and actions to do instead so maybe counting or walking away or getting a teacher.

I also think this example shows exactly why the head should have followed procedure, as he was wrong about where the boy was and by not calling parents etc has wasted valuable time.
I cant quite see where the pp was going with the self harm? I mean yes he could have an accident. I would think more the road but i wouldnt be too worried about even an upset child reaching home, at 10/11yo and would think him safe.

Was this playtime can you ask for more supervision?

"breaking and entering" hasn't been a legal concept since 1968 so if isn't relevant here

You sound like son can do no wrong What? OP has said he shouldn't have thrown the ball and shouldn't have run out of school! Mum and dad have labelled me with ADHD What? OP hasn't labelled him, she said they were waiting for ADHD diagnosis. That means a professional has requested it! Unreasonable for op to be there every time? OP never said that either! Do you need reading glasses some folk?

Maybe a child with SEN can on occasion be naughty and defiant like most children. Also perhaps the DH was frightened of what he might find and that is why he entered your home. Without being there you cannot be sure. Some teachers do take a dislike to a particular child though but I wouldn’t want my child whether they had SEN or not to be oppositional to teachers.

But then there are condtions like pda/odd which by natural are opposition and defiant and deman avoidant.
There could be lots of reasons a child is better at secondary
1 adhd behavoour from SB children so imaturity
2 secondary had better teachers/head/sen dept. Punishments etc.
3 child diagnosedand they know how to deal with it
4 more freedom
5 independence
6 challenge or less maybe due to streaming
7 get away from bullying themselves

Also just because nhs doesnt diagnose or la dont etc doesnt mean things dont exist they are truly pennypinching (especially some gps).

user of cause SEN children can be naughty and should be punished for being naughty. My son has much firmer boundaries from me as a parent than most other children his age, (limited screen time/ consequences for bad behaviour at home).

However as a parent of an anxious SEN child the OP is not describing naughty/ defiant behaviour she is describing anxiety. The oppositional behaviour is also an anxiety issue. Of course that needs to be addressed , the OP is not saying it shouldn't. But dealing with the cause of the anxiety will be far more effective than any punishment for oppositional behaviour.

User Do you have a child with ASD/adhd/anything else that can cause anxiety related meltdowns?

@velvetSpoon

All I can say is thank goodness you have had the fortune to parent a child without additional needs.

No one on here is using SEN as an excuse for poor behaviour. You are completely ignorant to the fact that it can be a reason for the behaviour.

Basically you don't want to see it from another point of view.

The OP has not said that she thinks the school is at fault, she is quite rightly, keen that her son gets the right support in school.

What does NT stand for?

Neurotypical, basically anyone who does not have a neurotypical disorder such as ASD or ADHD

Sorry should say anyone who does not have a neurodevelopmental disorder.

We don't hear much about the DP's role in this. Why didn't he answer the door?

Completely agree Taratill.

If experts take ages to decide if a child has sen then random other parent cannot possibly know.

How kids react to things will be driven by their personality.
Read theads about nature vs nurture and most parents agreed it was nature, so we do what we can to socialise and some learn quicker than others. Or have quicker tempers etc.
Some sen are genetic they think so the parents may also be struggling, there may be issues with other siblings etc or it could be environment.

Also it's surprising the difference allergies/illness/tiredness/asthma/medication can make to children's behaviour. You need to understand the cause to change/avoid it. Some things are unavoidable or are in comtrol of the school and they refuse to adjust.

TheMadGardener has said what I would have.
It sounds like a risky situation for all concerned.

That said, I wouldn't be happy taking a child on a residential who absconds
and lashes out (especially when all it takes if i read OP correctly all it takes is for perceived unfairness). It's not safe for the child, not safe for me as a member of staff and not safe for other children (residentials generally have minimum ratios so would the main group be under supervised whilst 2 members of staff went to search for a runaway child?)

The school are reasonable to question whether the residential is an option.

As a secondary teacher, please try to get assessment through before Y7. It's a bloody nightmare for everyone picking up half way through and in some situations we have to start the whole thing all over

I was about to come on and say how ridiculous asking for a chaperone is to see a head teacher.. then read that He trespassed info your home. The fuck? I’d go above him. Total weirdo

OP, this is all sorts of messed up. No, the HT doesn't need a chaperone before speaking to your son and that is an utterly unreasonable request of someone who is responsible for your son's safety all day, five days a week. It is not doable, unfortunately.

As for him letting himself into your home, it's a bit weird, but the door was open; it's not like he broke in. If he thought your DA was potentially alone and at risk, he was probably acting in what he thought were your DS' best interests.

So he ran away to the CM's. Did the CM not ring you OP or your DH and the school immediately?

Oh and there isn't a chance I would consent to your DS going on a residential. Sorry.

No wonder the school needs improving if the head is letting himself into other people's houses. Indont knkw what the ckrrect procedure for a child who has run away is, but surely calling parents and maybe police is first priority.

And as for walking into you home I would be calling the chair of governors, Ofsted, the localnauthority safeguarding officer and any one else I could think of. (Police, press.....)

And very probably move my child.