To insist my son has a chaperone when visiting the headteacher?

[exasperated101]

My son is a "difficult" child. We're awaiting ADHD diagnosis at the moment but it's a slow process. He's in year 6, and this week climbed a fence and ran away from school in the middle of the day (to his childminder's) as there had been an incident at school, for which he felt he had been unfairly punished.

He puts on a huge bravado front but is actually extremely sensitive, cries a lot etc. One of his big problems is an extremely strong sense of what is right and wrong. If he feels he's been wronged or unfairly treated (which is often not the case) his behaviour deteriorates hugely and he can be horrible.

When DS ran away this week, his headteacher let himself into our home. My DP was here but we don't think the headteacher knew that, he'd entered our home looking for my missing DS (school still hadn't called me at that point). DS is scared of the headteacher, and the head has admitted to me that my son's attitude / disrespect makes him feel defensive and he feels his blood pressure rising when around him. DS swears that the headteacher terrifies him and shouts at him when they're alone, but his attitude towards head is cheeky and disrespectful. That's just how my DS presents when he feels threatened/scared. He doesn't cower, cry, go quiet like other children. He becomes defensive and rude. The meltdown comes later.

In light of the above, I've asked to be present when DS is alone with the head, for everyone's sakes. The head has refused. He says I'm missing the point which is my son's bad behaviour (I'm not defending son's behaviour, just want to be there).

AIBU to want someone to supervise these meetings?

I think it would be in the head's own interest to have someone else there! You could meet in the middle by agreeing it could be the senco or a neutral TA or teacher if he feels that you will leap to your son's defence too readily or take too long to arrive.

Letting himself into your house alone is freaky. Was he calling out your son's name and worried for his safety? Presumably the door was open and he didn't walk in quietly without repeatedly knocking and calling out?

The only reason the head entered your house before ringing you was to cover something up.

I would be surprised if it was just the running away as that isn't the heads fault so what preceded that?

I would certainly complain to governors of stead etc but also think about removing your child.

Definitely a third party should be present when your DS sees his headteacher.

Because there is something very wrong with a headteacher who would let himself into your house, unless you have some prior arrangement? I would be discussing all of that with the governors.

My son has autism he also has this overdeveloped sense of justice as we like to call it.
This headteacher seems to be the issue here though. Why would he come to your house personally. Presumably he went in as the door was open and he assumed your ds would have let himself in. Why does he not want anyone in the room with your ds when he speaks to him.
The whole thing seems very dodgy and I don't think i could send him back there. But i would question whether another school would take him with only 10 weeks of actual school left

So.... the HT didn’t contact you straight away when they noticed your son was missing? Breech of safeguarding policies
He entered your house wo being invited?
Trespassing

He is scaring your child and has agreed that your son ‘makes his blood boil’.
Unable to control his temper.

But somehow he doesn’t want you/anyone(??) to be present when he speak to your son.
I’m wondering why (bar the fact he knows very well his behaviour wouldn’t be accepted by an adult/parent)......

You need help from an SEN expert who can help change the mindset of the school. SENDIASS, IPSEA etc.

My son also presents defiantly with smirking and shouting out when he is anxious. It's hard to deal with, but they are professionals and shouting doesn't help!

If you're waiting for a dx can you ring the consultant team and ask for an additional appointment or signposting to support services?

Go to the governors and Ofsted. A HT shouldn’t be entering your house, that is massively crossing boundaries. You need to take out a grievance against him. There is absolutely no way that your son should be alone with him YADNBU

It's not just that though is it. It's an invasion of the child's safe place. Let's say the child had run home.
Headmaster enters house.
--> child no longer feels his house is safe.
Next week, same situation happens again.
Child runs. Where does he go? He doesn't want to go home because his house is no longer a safe place to go.

Fortunately, in this case the child went to the childminder's.
OP did you find out from the CM or the school that your Ds had run away?

What did the head think he was going to do if he had found your son at home? Frog-march him back to school?

The child has suspected SN. The teachers cannot expect him to react as a non-SN child. And it seems the head is blaming some of his SN reactions onto his "bad behaviour". Without providing a framework of what Ds should do if he is in this situation at school.

That's not very eloquent. I hope you know what i mean!

I agree it’s almost certainly against their own policies to not ring you when they know your child is missing. It’s illegal for them to enter your house!! I’d be very very angry despite understanding the headteacher was probably doing it with the best intentions (finding your son). I’ve had kids who “escape” as a teacher and it is hugely frightening but he overstepped a very big line here and he needs to know that.

I don't understand the angst about the HT letting himself into an unlocked house. I imagine that he needed to know that a missing child was safe, was not for example self harming in any way. He did not go in with a bag marked swag, he did not take pictures, rummage through drawers or make comments about the state of the kitchen. If the ops partner was in then he probably didn't get much further than the hallway or the backdoor, he would have been calling the child's name as he tried the door.. I think many of us would make the assumption that a distressed child was there if the door was open.

I don't know why he hadn't called the OP, perhaps he delegated that to another member of staff " little exasperated has run out of school and I'm going round to the house to make sure he's ok. If he's not there I'll call you to call exasperated."

If the house was close by that would be a sensible thing to do, check the obvious place, ensure the child is safe.

Christ alive that head's judgement is massively flawed. Life threateningly so.

Absolutely you should be there. And fgs don't send your ds back until this is resolved. Maybe don't send his back at all if he's moving to secondary in September.

So many unanswered questions.

he needed to know that a missing child was safe,

What he NEEDED for his own peace of mind was irrelevant. Following correct procedures is what should have happened. Each and every time. And parents/police before entering someone else's house without permission.

Just answering quickly before work - DP was home. Front door was open but unlocked, headteacher rang doorbell but didn't wait for an answer before trying the door and walking in. This was before I had been called by school.

Yes son's behaviour is awful, I know that and don't hide it but on this occasion I can understand his reaction. If we were arrested and punished for something we hadn't done, and the police wouldn't listen to our side of story or speak to potential witnesses, we would all be furious and outraged. A 10 year old child with ADHD will completely melt down and now they're punishing him for the meltdown and threatening to not allow him on their residential trip a away.

Secondary issue is that headteacher is now denying saying to me that my son makes him feel defensive (so denying something he verbally said to me!), and school are focussing on punishing for son's running away and attitude problem. They won't answer my questions about the fact that he was originally punished for something he hadn't done (causing his extreme meltdown/running away) and whether they've investigated that.

I just want someone there when head speaks to my son.

Nice to see some sense being talked Viques.

Despite being asked many times, the OP is being very reticent about explaining how the HT entered the house.

I feel sorry for the HT, with an entire school to run, having to cope with this child whose own parents cannot deal with his own conduct.

What a pity the boy's "extremely strong sense of what is right and wrong" does not extend to his own behavior .

Hi, honestly, I would seriously consider Changing schools. It doesn’t sound like the headmaster can cope

Cross posts re. Head's entry explanation.

He is not a child with ADHD, he is a child whose parents have diagnosed it themselves, as yet no professional has done so.

I am surprised that any adult allows themselves to be alone one ot one with a child nowadays. This sounds very wrong. I agree with poster above who said you would be unreasonable to insist that it is you but not unreasonable to insist that a chaperone is present.

Clearly your son had behaviour issues and these need to be addressed but it sounds like this is being badly handled and at best the head teacher is opening himself up to all sorts of allegations by not only meeting with your son alone in school but also by presumably expecting to be alone in your house with him.

My son has similar traits to your son and he was diagnosed with high functioning Aspergers. Before the diagnosis, at home we thought he was a difficult child. But part of the issue is his literal view of the world. If I said something like "I told you on Wednesday", he might respond "you told me on Tuesday". It came across like he was being cheeky and answering me back - but he was actually just stating a fact. I am wondering if this is why the headmaster is getting frustrated - he is seeing your son as disrespectful to his authority but your son is just looking at the world differently.
Amongst other things, I think this is a safe guarding issue. Your headmaster planning on being alone in your house with your son. I would speak to the safe guarding person and a board member, and insist your son is chaperoned around this headmaster.

titchy no, making sure a distressed child has not harmed himself is the priority, and that is what the HT 'needed' to check. If a child has self harmed in any way then waiting for police or parents could , and I am sorry for being dramatic, mean the difference between life and death.

I just want someone there when head speaks to my son.

Of course, the Head's behaviour in this is despicable. The head needs to back off and have a formal meeting with you prior to anything with your son, to discuss HIS behaviour and not following policy.

My son was similar. Also diagnosed with Asperger.

YWBU to insist that YOU are present. YWBR to ask that another teacher or the SENCO is present.

As yet, your DS is undiagnosed, which given that he's Year 6 is surprising since you seem to think his problems are quite serious. Any DC I know with serious problems is usually diagnosed around Year 3. But you self-diagnosing and then bandying the term about is not very helpful. As far as the school and everyone else is concerned, your DC is difficult, a danger to himself, rude, cheeky and defiant. He has no diagnosis that allows for additional support to be put in place and you sound defensive and obstructive (sorry, but you do). Schools really struggle to cope with difficult DC when their parents are not willing to work with them to manage behaviour and you sound like you just take your DS's side, without really making him accountable for what sounds like extremely risky behaviour. I'm not surprised the school are saying they don't want him on the residential trip. A DC who absconds from school at will and runs home or to his child-minder's without notifying anyone is a risk to himself and to all the other on that trip. Can you not see that?

Don't have time to explain now but I think you should be open to a punishment from school for running away. Your DS needs to know this is not the answer.

Separate everything.
Bullet list each event and what you want the consequences should be.

Do you really feel safe with idea of them taking him away on a residential if they can't look after him in a controlled, known environment?

Presumably your DS will be leaving the school this summer, so it's not a huge ask for there to be a chaperone present when DS is seeing the Head. I don't think it should be the OP though, that's too much to ask. And I wouldn't go in guns blazing about it. I seem to be in the minority, but I also don't see the big deal about the home thing. Your son legged it. The Head went to see he was safe - faster than the police or OP could most likely - he rang the bell then tried the door. All this talk of him "planning to be alone with your son" and having things to hide seems way OTT. Bottom line is your son is at the limits of their ability to take care of him so if your chaperone idea will help, they should do it for the remaining weeks of his time there. And you should push for that diagnosis asap as it will make a huge difference to how DS is perceived.