To insist my son has a chaperone when visiting the headteacher?

[exasperated101]

My son is a "difficult" child. We're awaiting ADHD diagnosis at the moment but it's a slow process. He's in year 6, and this week climbed a fence and ran away from school in the middle of the day (to his childminder's) as there had been an incident at school, for which he felt he had been unfairly punished.

He puts on a huge bravado front but is actually extremely sensitive, cries a lot etc. One of his big problems is an extremely strong sense of what is right and wrong. If he feels he's been wronged or unfairly treated (which is often not the case) his behaviour deteriorates hugely and he can be horrible.

When DS ran away this week, his headteacher let himself into our home. My DP was here but we don't think the headteacher knew that, he'd entered our home looking for my missing DS (school still hadn't called me at that point). DS is scared of the headteacher, and the head has admitted to me that my son's attitude / disrespect makes him feel defensive and he feels his blood pressure rising when around him. DS swears that the headteacher terrifies him and shouts at him when they're alone, but his attitude towards head is cheeky and disrespectful. That's just how my DS presents when he feels threatened/scared. He doesn't cower, cry, go quiet like other children. He becomes defensive and rude. The meltdown comes later.

In light of the above, I've asked to be present when DS is alone with the head, for everyone's sakes. The head has refused. He says I'm missing the point which is my son's bad behaviour (I'm not defending son's behaviour, just want to be there).

AIBU to want someone to supervise these meetings?

I'm amazed at the number of people who think a teacher can't or won't ever be alone with a child.

Is it pure ignorance, peadofear or something else?

Why would the teacher need to be making appropriate arrangements for this boy when he doesn't have any kind of diagnosis beyond the parent's saying so.

Why would the head feel "defensive"? Sounds like a strange term.

With the update, the house-entering sounds OK. Someone was home, the door was open. The school did call the OP. It sounds like this was delegated and the head took responsibility and acted in the boy's best interests. Entering the house could be illegal. Depending on the circumstances, entering property to save life or limb is not illegal. The CPS would have no interest in taking this further.

I get the feeling that while the school and head could improve, there is more to this story. A history of a difficult pupil and difficult parents.

No way should the boy be taken on a residential trip, on the grounds that the school cannot ensure his safety.

They wont take him on a residential trip away if his strategy when he cant cope is to run/escape.

They wont unless he has a 1:1- which seems unlikely as he isn't diagnosed.

Its not punishment, its the school being responsible

Exasperated .Are you seriously expecting school staff to take your child away on a residential trip? Believe me, taking a class of other people's children on a residential trip is unbelievably stressful .To include a child who is liable to run off, argue, or go ballistic If he thinks he has been wronged as you say your son does , is not an option.

As you yourself say, he can be "horrible" . And from his point of view, to put him in a new situation, faced with new challenges, possibly working with new adults if it is an adventure type residential as they often are, would be challenging in the extreme. How would he deal with safety instructions, with following unfamiliar rules, with overcoming difficulties? If his default is to run away, or to kick off then how do you expect staff to deal with it? In view of your sons previous behaviour I am mildly surprised they agreed to him going on the residential in the first place, the fact that they did says a lot for the school. Following this incident I am not surprised they are considering not letting him go.

No way should the boy be taken on a residential trip, on the grounds that the school cannot ensure his safety.

What, becauzsee he climbed over afence to escape from school?>? If you can't trust a 10-11yo boy to remain in school then the issue is with the dc, not the school's security.

OP, your ds need to understand that sometimes life isn't fair and adults get things wrong (re the possibly being unfairly punished).

YABU to want to be at any meeting the HT has with your dc - this will make the HT completely powerless. It's his school and he's responsible for your dc during the day.

Your son has not been diagnosed with ADHD yet - so he may or may not have it. His symptoms (having a strong sense of right and wrong, and being cheeky/rude when he feels worried) are not ADHD symptoms.

Schools really struggle to cope with difficult DC when their parents are not willing to work with them to manage behaviour and you sound like you just take your DS's side, without really making him accountable for what sounds like extremely risky behaviour.

THis ^^

Sounds like you need to support the school more to handle your dc's behaviour. How does he act at home?

gamenight teachers are generally very careful about being alone with any one child. Alone with several children is fine. Alone with one child and even a female teacher who has no issues with an unproblematic child and is doing a routine detention or requested catch-up / extra help with school work will leave the door open at the very least. That was policy even 20 years ago, I can't imagine it's become more relaxed.

Despite all else that has happened, it does not sound as though the school are pushing to help the OP get a diagnosis for her DS. At my DD's school, they are very good at making sure that children with known ADD/ADHD/AS/other similar (not meaning to be flippant, trying to keep it short) are supported from the get-go and that sufficient strategies are in place to deal with meltdown situations. There is a 'safe room' where children can go, there is 1-2-1 support and they work closely with the parent/s at all times.
When a diagnosis is not present but the parent is trying to get one, they'll push for support and assist the parent.

I agree that if there is not sufficient support then taking him on a residential trip could be more problematic than enjoyable.
I also agree that the literal world view can sound like someone is being pedantic/argumentative/rude.
The school need to ensure their safeguarding methods are stepped up though. They should have telephoned you as soon as your son was known to be missing. In this case, it seems as though there was a delay - or that the school were not aware that the Head had gone to look for your DS.

Given that there are issues that are unresolved, and that despite good intentions, the Head entering your home could be seen as overstepping boundaries, it seems sensible to have a chaperone at the meeting.

I'm amazed at the number of people who think a teacher can't or won't ever be alone with a child.

This is surely self protection? Different if we are talking about a class or office with an open door or in a public place. As we can see from the OP, the child here is accusing the HT of shouting and being nasty to him when others aren't around and we only have child version against HT version so no-one actually knows which version is true. It's not always about someone being a "peado" it's about opening yourself up to all sort s of allegations when there are no witnesses (independant or otherwise I guess).

I think the OP is right to be worried. I don't think the head is behaving professionally now.

I think you need the SEN governor involved and I think you need the LA's specialist provision accessed asap.

I don't think your son is being handled appropriately (without making excuses for his behaviour)

I wouldn't be sending your son on an overnight residential in his present state. As a parent, I would be hugely worried as to his safety. The school should be similarly concerned.

I don't understand why you haven't had him properly diagnosed? He sounds very like my son who has Aspergers, ADHD and anxiety. Getting him diagnosed, receiving significant (ongoing) therapy and medication for the ADHD and anxiety has done wonders - he's a much happier boy. Why are you delaying?

When your son absconded from school, the Head should immediately have contacted you, followed straight away by the Police, simultaneously sending two members of staff (with a mobile phone) to search the area around the school, his route home, local park and anywhere else in the vicinity that he may have headed to.

Heading out to look for him alone without contacting you or the police is very poor practice. And I would imagine the Governors would take a dim view of how the situation was managed.

I worked in a school with several children who would abscond and there was a very clear procedure in place for those occasions. I think at the very least, the Headteacher needs to review this and put something in place, as this will unlikely be the last time that your son does this.

What consequences has your son received for his actions? Because while the HT dealt with it badly, your sons behavior was way beyond unacceptable - ADHD or no ADHD. He willfully left school and put himself in danger, creating a crisis at the school which will have impacted on the other children. Not OK.

In asking for a chaperone, it could be viewed as you casting some kind of slur on him - like he cannot be trusted. That is professionally damaging. Teachers do have to be alone with pupils, so you are hampering his ability to do his job. I can see why he is reluctant. It's also admitting an inability to control the situation, which also looks like weakness professionally.
I do also see why you think your child would benefit, so I would couch this to the school/head/governors as a chaperone being a tool for your son to maintain calmness, not that you don't trust the head.

I wouldn't condemn him for entering your house - it was wrong but seems to be motivated from fear and wanting to find your son asap. But they should have contacted you immediately.

I think you are unreasonable to exprct the school to take him on a residential trip. He is uncontrollable and prone to bolting. I think it's unfair to the other dc and to put that level of responsibility on the staff. Is it possible for you to go too - my dc's school would allow it in exceptional circumstances.

Well it looks like I'm in the minority here but I would be extremely grateful that the HT rushed round to my house to check if my ds was there.
And as a parent I would not allow my child to go on the residential after pulling a stunt like that, I would cancel the trip myself to stop the school feeling uneasy about doing so.

As for wanting a chaperone, that is just undermining the HT and giving your ds a sense of 'well you can't tell me off my mummy is here to stop you'.

You are doing your ds no favours for when he starts secondary.

The fact that your child was able to leave school premises is a serious safeguarding issue. I would be very concerned about the way it was handled by the school. The police should have been called immediately. Also the fact that the head has told you how uncomfortable your son makes him is extremely unprofessional and frankly ridiculous.

For all the school knew, your son could have been in a traffic accident or lying seriously injured somewhere. You are missing the point here. The focus of your post is to point out to us that the Head is some sort of ogre, who can't control his feelings, and is out to terrify your son. If that was the case how come other kids aren't jumping fences to get away from him?
It's like you think the Head is 'making' your son behave like this.
If my son had gone missing from school, I'd have absolutely no problem with anyone coming into our house, if the door was open, to look for him. None whatsoever.

@namesallgone

It's not always behavioural when there is SEN and a runner. It's an extreme 'fight or flight' response to anxiety.

My DS once ran 20 minutes home from school over a busy road. Whilst I explained to him he put himself at risk, it would have been inappropriate to 'punish' for behaviour. Better approach is to look at alternative strategies to deal with the anxiety.

As the OPs son is being assessed for ADHD then I'd imagine it's probably a similar situation.

@pugwallsSummer yes that was exactly the process when my son got out of school.

Schools can take precautions but these children can get out especially where it is a campus type school with different blocks.

I think the HT would be wise to have a third person in the room when meeting with OPs son especially if he is triggering anxiety.

Teachers do have to be alone with pupils

Do they? It is possible to have a "private" conversation with a pupil in an open environment. Others in the vicinity may not know exactly what is being said but can see expressions and demeanors. Teachers can be in vulnerable situations themselves, it's not all about the child.

My DS has been over 6 foot and built like a rugby player since he was 13. He is a complete softy, but if he wasn't that is a potential issue as most teachers (male and female) are smaller and slighter than he is.

The headteacher entered your home? Locked or not - totally OUT OF ORDER.
He should not have done that.
The way the school are handling you ds seems haphazard. What support have they put in place for him? Do you have a diagnosis? Is he on meds? Have you considered this?
A residential trip away - I don't think he should go if he cant cope with school. Why should the teachers have that responsibility and furthermore, what happens if he runs away? For his own sake I think you can understand their reasoning. Or if he does go, other support needs to put into place like someone with him all the time.
I am a teacher and we have had a few children run away[that have ADHD] similarly from school. After searching the playground and nearby areas, the parents would be informed.

If I were you, I'd be posting in the Special Needs section. I'd contact the LA, and ask what they are going to do to keep your son safe at school? For instance, an assessment for an EHC plan - there does not have to be a diagnosis! Presumably, there is a long history of your son's difficult behaviour - is there a paper trail? If not, start keeping a diary, and email the SENCO to confirm your understanding of events every time, there is an incident at school? All of this will act as evidence to support a request for an assessment for an EHC plan, which your son might well need at secondary.

Why hasn't the school called for advice from an EP or a Behaviour Outreach team before things got this far? Clearly, you have concerns to be in the process of getting an ADHD diagnosis?

Get off the internet, the SEN Code of Practice and read the relevant sections. Social, Emotional and Behaviour are recognised needs for SEN, even without a diagnosis. Speak to the helplines at IPSEA or SOS!SEN for advice.

I don't understand why you haven't had him properly diagnosed?

It’s right there in the first post that he is in the process of being diagnosed for ADHD.

Why didn’t your DP answer the door if he was in ? I am reading the events as the OP presented them, so naturally from her point of view, and my sympathies are entirely with the head and the school.

If my son had gone missing from school, I'd have absolutely no problem with anyone coming into our house, if the door was open, to look for him. None whatsoever.

Would you have a problem with them not phoning you immediately?

TBH, I’m still wondering how a child managed to run away and climb a fence to get out with no one noticing. Was it break time?

Why didn’t your DP answer the door if he was in ?

From the OP’s second post “headteacher rang doorbell but didn't wait for an answer before trying the door and walking in”