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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - colleagues mother charges her £550 per month for living there

173 replies

smithssquarecrisps · 03/05/2018 22:52

She also takes £500 pcm from colleague’s sister and £400 pcm from colleague’s fiancé.

Colleague says that her mum has lost benefits because of her and feels that she needs to make up for this.

This only came up as she’s saving to get married next May and I asked her if her mum was offering any help with this. Colleague is lovely but v young and says that her mum is not contributing anything as she can’t afford it.

Planned wedding is very cheap, less than £2k all in.

I was about the money her mother is charging as board and I wonder if this is reasonable. Colleague also has to pay extra for food.

OP posts:

PeanutButterSquash · 04/05/2018 07:53

Maybe I'm sensitive about this, as my mum hated seeing how much money I was losing but I was in a desperate situation (I had been made homeless by my ex, who'd also taken my kids and was fighting that in court too. I won and now have full custody, I had no time or money to find an alternative). It really hurt her knowing she wasn't able to help me anymore than she did, in fact (with gas and electric and such) in some areas she was actually making a loss, she did not profit from me at all and all but £10 a week I gave her went straight to the council in the form of rent and council tax. She had previously paid this with her HB And had full council tax support but couldn't swallow the loss on a small income and this sounds like a very similar situation except with an extra income of at least £1200 a month her dm could be losing even more money.

Original poster

smithssquarecrisps · 04/05/2018 07:58

I don’t think that colleague is moaning about paying so much. She just said that’s what she has to pay and that her sister also gives her mum half of her wages and when her fiancé moved in he was told he had to pay £400pcm. Stepdad works ft so I imagine he’ll be paying for stuff too. She’s lived a very sheltered life. She’s never been on holiday, she never had any birthday parties growing up, she’s never been on a train. Her life is split between her family and now her job. She has no friends of her own age. Before meeting her fiancé she used gaming as her social life.

OP posts:

M0RVEN · 04/05/2018 07:58

A think that a 20 year old who can’t use public transport on her own has other issues .

LakieLady · 04/05/2018 08:01

It seems like a lot in an area where rents are so low, tbh.

My mate charges her son £500 a month, and he moans about it. She tells him it's so that he learns to budget and it doesn't come as a shock when he's paying rent/mortgage and bills and is left with not a huge amount to live on.

What he doesn't know is that she's putting it away in savings account so that when he finally decides to leave home, he's got a deposit to buy somewhere. He's got a £60k deposit and he doesn't even know it.

She says if he's still living at home when they want to retire, they're going to blow it all on trip round the world and he can be their carer when they get old!

Original poster

smithssquarecrisps · 04/05/2018 08:01

It’s not that she can’t use it. She gets the bus to and from work. It’s just that her life experience is very narrow

OP posts:

Slartybartfast · 04/05/2018 08:01

But she is only 20,
You are painting quite an odd picture here, is it all what it seems?
gaming, ? that is a life style

greathat · 04/05/2018 08:04

Surely she'd never be able to save enough to move out!

Joanna57 · 04/05/2018 08:10

greathat

Surely that depends on what she earns?

One of my DC now earns £4000 a month - IF that DC was still living at home, I would be charging £1000 a month - would still leave DC £3000 to 'play' with.

It is all relative........

BigPinkBall · 04/05/2018 08:18

Op I think it’s great that you’re concerned for her.

I had very controlling parents growing up and had a very sheltered life, like your colleague at 20 I had never been on holiday, every trip I arranged with friends they would make me cancel last minute because they were “worried” about my safety, I’d never really been away from my parents, I didn’t have many friends because my parents found fault with them and encouraged me to not keep in contact with them, and I wasn’t even “allowed” to dye my hair even though I wanted to.

They made me get a job when I was at 6th form, because I had to contribute even though they didn’t need the £30 a week I earned, which meant I couldn’t spend any time with friends at weekends and that I fell behind with my studies but they wouldn’t let me quit my crappy below minimum wage job so I ended up dropping out of college because I couldn’t keep up.

I was totally under their control and the one thing that helped me break free was colleagues telling me that this wasn’t normal, encouraging me to do what I wanted and being there to listen to me. Hearing from adults who were parents themselves rather than peers helped me to understand that it wasn’t normal.

Slartybartfast · 04/05/2018 08:20

fair point pinkball

yy558 · 04/05/2018 08:20

I think she should make a stand and a case. I had to do the same with my parents. Very early in the career, I was earning 900 after tax, my parents wanted to charge me 600 to stay in their house. I explained that 600 +250 (commuting) costs would leave me with £50 to last the month for food and other bills. So I can't afford to stay with you, so we agreed on £300 and I evidenced that I could save what I couldn't spend. So build a case and argue.

They claimed to save it for my house deposit but I don't gamble on maybes because they may need to use it for themselves. That's my advice- don't trust 'promised house deposits'

greathat · 04/05/2018 09:51

@Joanna57 I'm sure the OP can correct me if I'm wrong but it doesn't sound like that's the case here...

FASH84 · 04/05/2018 10:23

For everyone saying she's losing benefits because she has adult children living there. She has an adult working partner living there anyway so wouldn't be entitled to council tax discount, housing benefit and so on. If the kids pay £1450 PLUS pay for their own food, in a cheap area like that, what are mum and step dad paying for?? The kids are subsidising them.

PeanutButterSquash · 04/05/2018 10:59

My comments were written and posted before Op revealed co workers Mum had a working stepdad (does he live there).
In that case, I have no idea. 🤷🏻‍♀️

user1457017537 · 04/05/2018 11:14

For example, my older family members have always expected me and my sister to pay their share at lunches, etc. We are aware this isn’t normal but it is what hAs always been expected. They don’t even bring their purses out. So it isn’t a stretch for me to imagine this young girls situation. People who assume parents support children well not always.

Original poster

smithssquarecrisps · 04/05/2018 11:16

Colleague gives her mother half of her net pay. Colleague started as an apprentice where I work and has now been taken on properly, albeit on a low wage.

Step dad works full time.

OP posts:

M0RVEN · 04/05/2018 11:26

They made me get a job when I was at 6th form, because I had to contribute even though they didn’t need the £30 a week I earned, which meant I couldn’t spend any time with friends at weekends and that I fell behind with my studies ...... I was totally under their control and the one thing that helped me break free was colleagues telling me that this wasn’t normal, encouraging me to do what I wanted and being there to listen to me. Hearing from adults who were parents themselves rather than peers helped me to understand that it wasn’t normal

I had exactly the same experience when I had a Saturday job in a shop when I was 16. Until then I truly believed that my parents were wonderful and I was a shit daughter. Because that’s what they had told me all my life.

I wasn’t even telling her the bad things my parents did ( I knew not to tell ) I was telling her the GOOD things.

It was the first step of my enlightenment.

LovelyBranches · 04/05/2018 12:03

Joanna 547 I can’t believe what you just wrote. You would charge your dc £1000 a month to live with you because they earn £4000. The gall you have astounds me. You think by leaving them money to play with you are doing them a favour! No wonder they don’t live with you. I pay £1000 a month in mortgage and it goes towards supporting me to live in my own home. I don’t disagree with parents charging board and lodge but a fair price based on market values (and the fact that they are family and you love them) is a far better way than a percentage of what they earn because you are a greedy so and so.

BigPinkBall · 04/05/2018 15:23

@M0RVEN It’s so hard when I look back now, to think that I was so under control that I just believed they were right about everything and they only had my best interests at heart, but actually I can see now that they just live in their own little closed off selfish world and I’m so much happier now than I was then.

It’s definitely affected the way I parent my child.

Shrodingerslion · 04/05/2018 16:11

Lovely Branches I totally agree with you,

Taking £1000 when it doesn’t cost that much is just plane greedy! Who wants to profit from their children? Deary me!

jay55 · 04/05/2018 16:25

Her mum is taking more than the permitted tax free amount for renting a room. So is bonkers to be taking money from her kids to give to the taxman.....

CraftyGin · 04/05/2018 17:11

We rented a large two bed flat in The Park until last year and the rent was £625pcm.

KTheGrey · 04/05/2018 18:45

No birthday parties? 😢

Meanies.

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