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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - colleagues mother charges her £550 per month for living there

173 replies

smithssquarecrisps · 03/05/2018 22:52

She also takes £500 pcm from colleague’s sister and £400 pcm from colleague’s fiancé.

Colleague says that her mum has lost benefits because of her and feels that she needs to make up for this.

This only came up as she’s saving to get married next May and I asked her if her mum was offering any help with this. Colleague is lovely but v young and says that her mum is not contributing anything as she can’t afford it.

Planned wedding is very cheap, less than £2k all in.

I was Shock about the money her mother is charging as board and I wonder if this is reasonable. Colleague also has to pay extra for food.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 04/05/2018 00:03

I would sit her and her fiance down and show them a little arithmetic with Rightmove open on your laptop.

She and the fiance need to stand on their own two feet and get a life of their own. What is with the presents for the family?

This all sounds very unhealthy.

MumofBoysx2 · 04/05/2018 00:04

I don't think you should charge your kids to live in the house - it's their house too!

Pluckedpencil · 04/05/2018 00:06

Oh dear. Hope her fiancé is nice, otherwise her life is going to be one naive mistake after another.

JoffreysLeftBollock · 04/05/2018 00:09

OP, I’m in Nottingham too. I rent a fantastic two-bed in the city centre for less than £800pcm. If you go even slightly outside the centre to somewhere like Lenton, Carlton, Sneinton, Beeston it’s cheaper still.
She could get nicer than I have with £900pcm.

JoffreysLeftBollock · 04/05/2018 00:10

How on earth was she getting that much in benefits just for living alone????

PickAChew · 04/05/2018 00:14

They need to move out.

And elope. Family sound like a pita about the wedding so sod 'em.

Failingat40 · 04/05/2018 00:28

I'm astonished that people still think a person's parents contribute to a wedding.

Well yes, that's the traditionally done thing within British families in the UK. Why would you think they wouldn't?

Charliecatpaws · 04/05/2018 00:37

I’m trying to work out what benefits the mum would lose (as she has no disability) to warrant her children and the fiancé to pay almost £1500 per month, bearing in mind that the step father works full time? OP you sound lovely and very concerned, your young colleague sounds like she’s very naive

Bitchywaitress · 04/05/2018 01:13

OP, you are DNBU. I would see if you could engineer a way to have a chat to her and give her some advice moving forward. Flowers

Deerdear · 04/05/2018 01:20

You’re taken in £1,400bin total.

YABVVVVVVVVU

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/05/2018 01:25

She's not saving any money is she.
She might as well have a mortgage, in fact she'd be better doing so. At least with a mortgage you have something to show for it in the long run.

sadiekate · 04/05/2018 01:25

I can't believe some of the comments on here telling the OP to mind her own business. Are you the same people who would hear your neighbour beating his wife and kids but never call the police because "it weren't our business and we don't want no trouble!"
OP, you are lovely to be concerned about this young lady and yes, her mum is massively ripping her off. Her mum earns more in rent from the three kids than I earn from my job!!
I always paid rent to my parents but it was less than half what she is paying. You're not supposed to charge your kids the going rate - you don't profit from your own family!! And even in London you wouldn't pay that price for a room in a shared house!! I rent my own flat in an expensive part of the country for less than they pay. Tell her to borrow a deposit from the bank.

imweirdandcool · 04/05/2018 01:58

it really isn't your business

40isnew50 · 04/05/2018 02:18

Her mum is taking the piss.

MrsDilber · 04/05/2018 03:03

Maybe their mum is trying to encourage them to fly the nest??

Bramble71 · 04/05/2018 03:17

I'd expect adult children to contribute, but it sounds like your colleague's mother is making a profit; even more so if that £1450 doesn't include food. If the mother's partner works full time, she would probably be getting partial LHA or HB at most, so there might not have been much to take non-dependent deductions from!

Graphista · 04/05/2018 03:26

Mother is not disabled She doesn’t work but I don’t know why that is - have you heard of invisible disabilities? Mental illness? PERSONAL PRIVACY?

You've been told numerous times its NOT YOUR BUSINESS. You don't know the full circumstances, your colleague could be missing out hugely relevant information - eg it's to pay off credit card debt SHE'S incurred that mum paid off for her, that money is being kept aside for the wedding/her and fiancé moving out and colleague KNOWS but isn't telling you (and those posters saying 'but it's her DC' well the fiancé isn't is he?) - exactly the kinda crap my sister would do.

"She offered this information and she wasn’t moaning about it." But I'll bet it wasn't you brought the subject up. And she didn't even need to tell you anything. Just cos she isn't OBVIOUSLY moaning doesn't mean it wasn't said to elicit sympathy. Be careful - she could well be gearing up to use that. Possibly a loan, possibly a less obvious but equally large favour.

"She said she’s got no idea how they will save up to move out in the future." But I'm guessing a loan will be the favour - as she's so hard done by. Or...is overtime offered where you work, normally first come first served but could maybe be given to those 'most in need' ?

You're also assuming she's telling the truth.

Mother could easily have lost
Ctc
CB
Housing benefit
Council tax benefit

And you say stepfather, so possibly child maintenance too (although that's not a benefit)

"It makes no sense whatsoever." Another thing that suggests colleague not being completely genuine.

"Is this a reverse?" Yes I'm wondering similar

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/05/2018 03:32

Our older son lives in an expensive area and pays £550 per month for a massive bedroom with en suite, all bills and council tax included.

Our other son is at uni in Nottingham and is sharing a house from September in Lenton.
He'll be paying £90 per week for his room, inclung bills.

I really think your colleague's mum is taking the piss. I agree with adult children who are working contributing towards rent, bills etc but there's no way their share should be £900. If they could rent a double room in a house share they would be able to save quite a bit of money.

Your colleague sounds lovely.

Etoilefilante · 04/05/2018 05:11

If she loves her mum and wants to be with her she could rent a 3 bed house of her own and offer her mum and dad a room - and could do so for free in fact. Then she would save money but still be with her parents :-)

I used to live in Nottingham, it's lovely!

mathanxiety · 04/05/2018 05:30

They are not going to be able to fly anywhere if they are broke from exorbitant rent payments to her, MrsDilber.

It seems more likely that she has found a way to keep them hostage indefinitely.

itsbetterthanabox · 04/05/2018 05:38

What benefits would she not get because they live there? I can't think how that would work.
Definitely takes the piss.
She needs to get her own flat with her fiancé! She'll save money.

Mousefunky · 04/05/2018 05:38

Wow, she is ripping her own children off! This is a right scam... Christ.

They could easily get their own place for less than £900 pcm in most areas (probs not London..) or alternatively, houseshare for probably half the price if not even less.

Who needs enemies when you have a Mother like this...

MistressDeeCee · 04/05/2018 05:50

I once read a post on another forum about this kind of thing. There were young people on there resentful re as soon as they got 1st proper job, mum wanted a sum of money amounting to 1/2 of every single bill. As if her child were her life partner.

Some felt guilty at wanting to leave home as that would leave mum stuck. Or were being guilt tripped into not leaving. & then again, those who felt they were being actively prevented from saving for a place of their own as they had to pay so much at home

DDs are home after finishing Uni, they give me £35 weekly. I work. DDs are saving for house deposit with their partners, they go on holidays etc and that's as it should be, to me.

I want them to spread their wings, not be so responsible for the financial upkeep of this place that they're stuck at home with me for years. They'll want their space and privacy. & so will I.

No way would I want a life plan which included being dependent on my offspring's money. I don't feel they owe me in that way and I don't see them as 'profit'.

It's like some people expect to be 'paid' for having kids and when they are no longer receiving money from the state they expect the kids to pay them or leave

^ Exactly. Mean.

Joanna57 · 04/05/2018 06:09

When my kids started work, I charged them board and lodgings.

A quarter of what ever they earned. Both went to college first - lived at home free.

As soon as they got a paid job I charged them a quarter of whatever they earned.

One of them paid £250 a month, the other one paid £300 a month. Ironing was extra.

As they got better paid, I charged more.

They had both left home by the time they were 20 :)

One of them drifted back, for a year. I then charged a third of what they earned and saved the majority of it, and gave it them back as a deposit for their own place. Which they were chuffed with.

This was back in the late '90's and early 2000's.

Both of now have a mortgage, own their own cars, and are debt free.

I taught them well.

Joanna57 · 04/05/2018 06:17

Just to add, I worked full time and so did DH. Both well paid .

I taught them that a quarter of what they earned should be rent/mortgage, a quarter on utilities, a quarter on whatever they want, such as saving for a holiday/car etc, and a quarter savings.

They have both stuck to that, and still come to me for financial advice. other than a mortgage, DH and I have NEVER been in debt. We owe nothing to anyone, other that a credit card, that has never gone over £500, which we keep for life's unexpected emergencies and to keep out credit rating as excellent.

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