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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - colleagues mother charges her £550 per month for living there

173 replies

smithssquarecrisps · 03/05/2018 22:52

She also takes £500 pcm from colleague’s sister and £400 pcm from colleague’s fiancé.

Colleague says that her mum has lost benefits because of her and feels that she needs to make up for this.

This only came up as she’s saving to get married next May and I asked her if her mum was offering any help with this. Colleague is lovely but v young and says that her mum is not contributing anything as she can’t afford it.

Planned wedding is very cheap, less than £2k all in.

I was Shock about the money her mother is charging as board and I wonder if this is reasonable. Colleague also has to pay extra for food.

OP posts:
InfiniteSheldon · 04/05/2018 06:20

Those of you saying she could rent her own place are missing the point. With those payments she will struggle to save the deposit and rent in advance.

Passthecake30 · 04/05/2018 06:22

If I had lived with my parents I would have had to pay 1/3 of my salary from my very first job. Personally I think that is too high... but would probably ask mine for 1/4.

Groovee · 04/05/2018 06:27

My ex friend charges her daughter about £500 a month too! She told us she charged her £50 a week but actually takes more than double. It's why she could afford to do things all the time. Her DH doesn't know she does it. He thinks their Dd pays much less.

Joanna57 · 04/05/2018 06:30

Passthecake

I personally think a quarter is very fair.

There were four of us in the house, the 2 DC, DH and I. So a quarter was fair, to us, and the DC agreed.

They ate more than us, used more water than us....etc etc.

Their board covered EVERYTHING.

They did their own clothes washing/ironing, cleaned their own rooms, cooked their own meals if they wanted different to what I was making. If they wanted a takeaway they paid for it themselves. If I wanted a takeaway instead of cooking, then I paid.

I had no complaints.

PlumsGalore · 04/05/2018 06:32

If I were the colleague I would move out with my fiancé. A grand a month would get them a 2 bed let and have money over for bills and savings.

DD's current BFs mother is like this. Still works PT despite him being 22 and leaving home to go to uni four years ago, she expects him to top up her part time salary even though he doesn't live there. She works for a masssive civil service area and could easily up her hours but doesn't want to or see why she should Hmm

Shrodingerslion · 04/05/2018 06:34

I am not sure why people think its the child's ( now adults) responsibility that she had lost ctc etc. She would have lost that anyway when they were old enough. If she loses housing benefit and single person council tax discount ,fair enough covering the shortfall but this doesn’t sound like she has with a working partner.

If it’s true then she is very greedy.

Also does it matter about the disability ? Op was just informing us why she may have lost benefits or why she doesn’t work. She didn’t say she was making it up? Yes it could be a mental illness but it also could be a physical disability. Op has not said she has met them!

Also op if collleague ultimately chooses to stay then no it isn’t your business but showing her other options is lovely. I hate people being taken advantage of.

user1457017537 · 04/05/2018 06:42

I know of several women who expect their adult children to keep them and contribute to their living expenses whether they live with them or not. They are all quite entitled and good at the “poor me” act. All spend considerable sums on themselves, ie smoke, drink, clothes, flights in fact anything but work.

toomuchtooold · 04/05/2018 06:44

I'm perhaps oversensitive to this sort of stuff because of my own background, but the overcharging and the "sheltered life" scream emotional abuse to me. And if so, people asking why the girl doesn't just leave are missing the point. She'll have been raised to feel that she can only leave with her mother's permission. She'll find it terrifying to go against her. And if it is EA, the mother will have no intention of letting her punchbag/cash machine leave home. One objection after another will be found about the wedding. IDK how much practical help you would be able to offer the girl, OP, but I would agree with PPs that if you can help her see how much cheaper it would be to move out, that would help a lot - if my experience is anything to go by, the mother will have her convinced that leaving would be scary and difficult.

Slartybartfast · 04/05/2018 06:45

There is no point, aside from gossip, to this thread.
what will op do with information gleaned from here?

the wed was only 2K, that sounds ok to me.
if they wanted to, they could move out, assuming they will be moving out once they are married

Jaynesworld · 04/05/2018 06:51

Sounds like my mil. When i met my dh, he was paying out of his 900pm wages. 200 rent and 100 a week petrol (on a car that they filled up with 40 a week). They very rarely had food in, so every week he was doing a small shop in the village shop (he didnt drive so couldnt go to the nearest supermarket) so his younger sister had some food to eat. Fags and weed is more important apparently.

Joanna57 · 04/05/2018 06:52

Plums

Really? A 2 bed flat/house, with change left over for all bills/food/outs/savings?

Blimey!

Where on earth do YOU live???

Myse1f · 04/05/2018 06:52

I thought that the appropriate rate was 1/3 of income for bed and board as a learning thing so that kids get used to paying their way. If parents need it then it gets spent. If they don't need it they can choose to treat the Dc later.

Windthebobbinup1982 · 04/05/2018 06:56

I know of several women who expect their adult children to keep them and contribute to their living expenses whether they live with them or not.

Funny as I know none at all! I thought parents generally helped their children not vice-versa!

Shmithecat · 04/05/2018 06:58

What a fucking horrid mother. That's taking complete advantage. I cannot bear parents who seem to be praying for the day they can charge their kids for the 'favour' they're doing them by allowing them to live in their house. I understand that if benefits and the loss of them are involved, that money needs to be made up BUT charging my child to live at home would be the absolute last resort and I'd only ask for the bare minimum needed. It wouldn't be the first port of call and it certainly wouldn't be at a profit as it would appear the mother in the OP is running at. Disgusting behaviour.

Windthebobbinup1982 · 04/05/2018 06:58

toomuchtooold

I think you’re probably right about EA. It’s too bizarre otherwise.

Shmithecat · 04/05/2018 07:03

Joanna57 up in Nottinghamshire there are many towns and villages where you can rent a 2 bed place for

Original poster
smithssquarecrisps · 04/05/2018 07:07

Morning. I don’t know the mother, I’ve never met her.

No it’s none of my business but I just worry about her. She’s so nice and she worries about doing the right thing by her mum. I haven’t expressed my shock at how much she pays to her. I was just a bit Hmm

2k might sound like a small amount of money for a wedding reception and in reality it probably is but it’s the fact that she’s already arranged somewhere cheaper and is now having to change the venue as her family have said they won’t come if she has it there.

OP posts:
Shmithecat · 04/05/2018 07:08

Take a look at this for example. The colleague, her fiance and the sister could rent this place for £150 per head a month plus bills. They'd all be much better off than living at home.

olderthanyouthink · 04/05/2018 07:08

I live in a studio/bedsit in zone 2 London for £580 (HA, keyworker rate even though I'm not one) you could get a 1 bed for about £1k round here. She is being massively overcharged.

I have experience with parents charging a lot and making me think I couldn't move out. Was quite the shock for them when I upped and left with a couple weeks notice the still took a full months rent for 2 weeks living there though

cogar · 04/05/2018 07:11

My sister and her partner rent a gorgeous 2 bed flat in Nottingham for £550pm. They do have bills on top, but they're not that much. Why are three grown adults. Why are 3 grown adults allowing themselves to be ripped off? Bizarre.

PlumsGalore · 04/05/2018 07:14

joanna57 West Yorkshire, also OP says Nottingham, also doable, I wouldn't have said it is she lived in Kensington!

Original poster
smithssquarecrisps · 04/05/2018 07:15

deardeer I apologise that my salary is so low. I’ll have a word with my boss.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 04/05/2018 07:16

Colleague should move out and get her own place. Her DM is charging market rent so what's the advantage in staying there now she's an adult?

GnotherGnu · 04/05/2018 07:18

I wonder if the mother declares this for tax purposes?

Original poster
smithssquarecrisps · 04/05/2018 07:19

There is no benefit to her staying there. She says they’ll move when they are married but that’s a year away. It’s not like they are saving up for a deposit to buy a house because they can’t afford to save anything as things stand

OP posts: