To ask why everyone hates requests for money?

[MyOtherUsernameisaPun]

I'm genuinely baffled why so many on here are so opposed to people - especially couples getting married - asking for money in lieu of gifts?

I understand that there have been some shocking examples of behaviour (cancel the cheque) but why is a polite request that, if you want to give something, money rather than gifts is appreciated SO frowned upon?

In this day and age it's very rare for a couple not to live together before marriage, so it's unlikely that they need the traditional help in setting up a home together. And since not everyone has the same tastes, it's not always to judge what will really be a meaningful and appreciated wedding gift.

I would much rather give a couple money and know they will be able to use it on something they will really love and appreciate than spend the same money on a gift they aren't guaranteed to like (or on some tedious gift list purchase like pillowcases...)

Isn't it time we all moved on a bit and accepted that a gift isn't a requirement for attending a wedding but that if you want to give one and the bride and groom would find cash most helpful and welcome, we should just accept that?

My friends have asked for money towards their honeymoon and it will look stingy for me to give what I would of spent on a gift. They will not get far on £30

Of course gift lists they know the cost, but they've asked for those items.

How much do people think is acceptable to give a couple from a couple?

I would have no problem at all donating or receiving £30 for a honeymoon. For example that would pay for some great cocktails one evening.

That seems far preferable to £30 spent on a gift no-one wanted or needed. Like the mumsnet classic silver photo frame.

Weddings have evolved into a monstrous money pit. There is no need for it. If couples have lived together they don't need gifts to help them home make. If they cant afford the big wedding and honeymoon they should do something more modest. There is no meaning in all this gifting money. It is one thing for a guest to give money out of choice, but quite another for the couple to ask for it. It is rude and crass. They should say No presents, please. Stop being grasping. Just because it has become commonplace does not make it ok

hester totally agree.

fire 30 quid goes pretty far in a lot of countries. We went to Vietnam for our honeymoon and 30 pounds would have paid for a couple of days food, so would have been much appreciated.

laurie a silver photo frame just sounds so grim. It would get lobbed in our 'cupboard of miscellaneous crap we have to throw out once we're sure no-one remembers it's there.'

confused but people WANT to give something and if money is what the couple wants, what's wrong with that? If people clubbing together could get them a decent honeymoon, isn't that quite lovely for them?

Do you really think it's grasping? Even though almost every other country gives money? Do you think the UK is the sole bastion of class because we still foist unwanted John Lewis shite on each other?

If you can't afford a particular honeymoon not sure why anyone would feel entitled to ask their guests to pay for it. Live within your means and have the wedding and honeymoon you can afford by yourself.

It's not exactly cheap attending weddings these days never mind the added expectations of gifts and money.

Happy to buy gifts or even give money of my own volition but don't tell me what to do. I think with close family it would be discussed in the lead up to the wedding anyway (as a parent for example I would offer what I could and bother to find out what would be helpful) but I don't think general guests should be crassly directed in the invitation.

That seems far preferable to £30 spent on a gift no-one wanted or needed. Like the mumsnet classic silver photo frame.

Agreed - and the Mumsnet classic silver photo frame also suffers from the problem - shown by economists to be near universal across gifts, for all that people think that it looks like 'more' if they buy something than if they give the money - that people would guess than it's cheaper than it is. Those things are often pushing £50+, which I'm sure most of the couples giving them to charity shops don't know.

And just because other countries do it doesn't make it right

There is an awful lot of cultural stress and pressure around those customs for families not to lose face etc. It's a revolting tradition.

Because a gift is something that's given freely and without expectation. You should never request a gift. It's just bad manners.

And just because other countries do it doesn't make it right

No, but when you're about the only ones on the planet who get the smelling salts out at anything other than toasters et al, that's when it's time to ask themselves if maybe it's you that are the odd ones.

Also, it's already been pointed out to you that there are mechanisms to give money without people knowing how much you've spent, and giving physical gifts isn't immune from that particular problem either.

It's also not yet been mentioned that as we now have the smallest average dwelling size in Europe and getting smaller, and the median age to get married is about 30 ie well into the generationally shafted re housing cohort, to a great extent what people are doing when they buy gifts rather than give the cash that has been asked for is transferring part of the cost to the recipient. Because they have the cost of storage, of something they don't want. In what is statistically likely to be a less spacious dwelling than the person giving it enjoys, given that the people who give gifts even when they've been asked not to are likely to be older than the average marrying couple. I eagerly await a load of people claiming to be 21 and only giving silver photo frames now, but it's an accurate description of the big picture.

I don’t get the” live within your means” thinking. People will either give a gift or money. Why have 27 casseroles when you could have a honeymoon? How is an excess of other people’s taste in casseroles any more within means than a holiday?it seems like a waste to me.

I would much rather give something that is wanted than waste my money and their space.

That said, of the 30 or so weddings I have attended, none have been the crazy expensive “ day of our dreams” type, so I’ve not arrived already feeling skint!

Well said Continuous

How rude brass if other people’s cultural norms.

It's this ridiculous British pretense of not asking for anything. When in reality, everyone knows that a couple throwing a big wedding party will (a) expect a gift of some kind, and (b) probably already have all the household goods they need, and/or won't like what you pick out for them anyway.
I like the European tradition of pinning money to the bride's dress!

It's a revolting tradition Jesus, steady on. We're not talking about abusing animals or misogyny or something. We're talking about giving 50 quid or giving a 50 quid toaster.

Also don't get the living within your means thing. That's what the money's for! So they don't HAVE to go to a caravan in Wales, but so that they can actually go somewhere nice on honeymoon, or whatever.

I would say the money thing in a lot of countries has to do with convenience too. In the past two years, I've been to at least 16 weddings in Korea. People invite every person they've ever met to their wedding. Imagine having to buy a present every time. It would be a nightmare.

With cash, all you have to do is go to the cash machine (classily located within the wedding hall, woop woop, I'm sure a lot of you would have palpitations at that), stick it in an envelope (handily provided by the family), write your name on it and Bob's your uncle.

I don’t get the” live within your means” thinking.

I think it also reflects different (maybe generational?) ideas of what is and isn't self-indulgent. I think that having a special, rarely used china set is a bit ridiculous and a complete waste of money. I actually think wanting to 'upgrade' your pans, glasses, etc. is a lot more grabby and materialistic than having a nice holiday. But I do think that might reflect a wider experiences vs stuff shift in what we value. I would much rather have crappy supermarket pans and memories of our amazing honeymoon than a £90 pan - and to me it seems like much less of a waste of money.

Jesus no one ever received 27 casseroles or whatever. Stop using that as a begging excuse.

brass how the arsing hell is it begging to want 1000 pounds in cash instead of 1000 pounds worth of casserole dishes.

What on earth is the difference? It seems really self-centred to me that you would rather the couple have the stuff you chose than the stuff they want.

margaret you might be right - to me, I have zero interest in buying stuff for my house that I'll never use. But I LOVE going on holiday. So why wouldn't people want to give me what I want? Very weird.

I don’t get the” live within your means” thinking. People will either give a gift or money. Why have 27 casseroles when you could have a honeymoon? How is an excess of other people’s taste in casseroles any more within means than a holiday?

I don't get this distinction either. The last 2 wedding registries we got featured eye wateringly expensive bed linen. No issue with that, that's what they want, but why doesn't 'live within your means' apply to bed linen?

The couples live together already, so presumably already have the ikea stuff?

And some of you clearly have no concept of how insidious these traditions can be if you think it only involves forking out 50 quid. We don't need to copy them under the guise of we're the only little island left who doesn't do it either. Why do some of you feel so utterly entitled to have everyone else subsidise your lifestyle. No one owes you anything just because you're getting married. They are celebrating with you is that not enough?

When I've been to weddings with gift lists I have sometimes thought 'what a waste of money' when paying, say, £60 for four champagne flutes, but I never feel that about cash. I guess I just get why they'd want a honeymoon, whereas I can't really imagine how anyone gets more enjoyment out of posh champagne flutes than the supermarket own brand ones.

In our invitation we have asked nothing no requests or anything. I don't know if that's normal but I didn't want anyone having to choose to either give a gift or money so left it blank.

No one ever received £1000 of casserole dishes. No one. Ever. It's not a thing please stop lol

brass more than enough to have people there, as I said, never had an invitation that asked for money, they've all said 'IF you want to give'.

Plenty of idea about traditions of such countries, being married to a Korean guy and living here for a decade. Why do you think it's so much more sinister giving money than giving a photo frame/casserole dish/vase?

Yes, there is a lot of pressure on family to give a certain amount, but surely it's not that different to people being offended cos Great Aunt Ethel only gave a pilfering 10 pound Wilkos casserole dish and not the 50 pound one that you wanted out of Selfridges.

brass you may have heard of this thing called 'hyperbole', it's when people exaggerate things to make a point. No-one actually means 1000 pounds of casserole dishes, so chill.

Jesus no one ever received 27 casseroles or whatever.

I did get 3 wine decanters (as mentioned upthread). I'm sure they were expensive. Never used, struggle to store as I've a small house. Eventually I expect they'll get broken or sent to a charity shop.

Why anyone thinks that's a better system I don't know.