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Original poster

To ask why everyone hates requests for money?

411 replies

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 02/05/2018 20:02

I'm genuinely baffled why so many on here are so opposed to people - especially couples getting married - asking for money in lieu of gifts?

I understand that there have been some shocking examples of behaviour (cancel the cheque) but why is a polite request that, if you want to give something, money rather than gifts is appreciated SO frowned upon?

In this day and age it's very rare for a couple not to live together before marriage, so it's unlikely that they need the traditional help in setting up a home together. And since not everyone has the same tastes, it's not always to judge what will really be a meaningful and appreciated wedding gift.

I would much rather give a couple money and know they will be able to use it on something they will really love and appreciate than spend the same money on a gift they aren't guaranteed to like (or on some tedious gift list purchase like pillowcases...)

Isn't it time we all moved on a bit and accepted that a gift isn't a requirement for attending a wedding but that if you want to give one and the bride and groom would find cash most helpful and welcome, we should just accept that?

OP posts:
brassbrass · 03/05/2018 12:45

People can give what they want. Gift or money it doesn't matter.

It's the asking that I have a problem with and the assumption that people should comply with your sense of entitlement. That is what is enormously rude. If you can only afford a caravan honeymoon then have that don't ask other people to upgrade you to a safari!

brassbrass · 03/05/2018 12:46

And no one should be offended at what was given or not given!

OreoMini · 03/05/2018 12:47

Cash is easier, I have no problem with it.
It’s also the norm to give a gift so I don’t have a problem with people asking.

I’d rather give cash then give or receive some tat I don’t need or they wouldn’t want.

Johnnycomelately1 · 03/05/2018 12:48

I've really changed my mind on this. I used to be anti -cash requests and now I'm totally fine with it. I'm also fine for the ask to come in the invite because actually, I like my admin to be streamlined. No registry = a massive PITA because then I have to spend ages buying something.

Prepare to be horrified but where I live (Asia- ha ha) it's become a thing for kids parties too. Someone set up a website which is an evite service but you request cash donation instead of a present, which is then split between birthday kid and a charity of their choice. I love it both as a host and a guest. Guests can hide the amount so you don't know who gave what and b'day kid can take the money and buy one big thing they really want.

brassbrass · 03/05/2018 12:50

Yep horrified Johnny ShockGrin

cochineal7 · 03/05/2018 12:52

Still remember the crass request of a corporate lawyer couple, both on 6 figure salaries, asking for money as they had been ‘saving to go on a trip to the US’. As if they had been putting pennies in a travel jar for months. They both regularly went on holiday.

MargaretCavendish · 03/05/2018 12:53

It's the asking that I have a problem with and the assumption that people should comply with your sense of entitlement.

So you also don't like registries? That's consistent, but most people find it really annoying/inconvenient to not be given any idea what to buy.

cochineal7 · 03/05/2018 12:55

Conversely, the two nicest suggestions made was for guests to bring a bottle of wine with a personal message - the couple would have a wonderful time remembering over dinners for quite some time to come. Other one was similar, but then bring favourite book with a personal message. Instant library full of dedications.

SimonBridges · 03/05/2018 12:56

Why do people think that the only alternative to cash is either a toaster or a casserole dish?
Surely most couples who don’t ask for cash have a list.

BrownTurkey · 03/05/2018 12:56

On the fence. Money is more practical and less wasteful. But it seems to make gift giving a very sterile and financial transaction. For instance, I can give dc £100 towards something they want to buy for Christmas, but it's also nice to have stuff under the Christmas tree like smellies, a jumper, some slippers, some consumables etc which they enjoy, but ends up costing £50-£100 too. And wedding guests end up feeling like cash points which causes resentment.

expatinscotland · 03/05/2018 12:56

If you think there's nothing wrong with touting for cash then why do you care what internet sprites think?

Now you see more and more of these requests in invitations to birthdays and christenings. Why not just charge admission?

I always feel sorry for Irish people. There's this expectation you have to hand over a wodge of cash even for an evening do where you have to buy your own drinks and leave your kids somewhere else. Seems a bit shit.

All the references to what happens in other countries are irrelevant unless you're in that country or from that country.

Never been to a Greek wedding where you're supposed to buy your own drinks or it's childfree.

brassbrass · 03/05/2018 12:58

I've not struggled with that tbh. Close friends and family I know where they are in life and what would go down well. Acquaintances I do something generic or vouchers depending on what I know about them.
Work colleagues/hobby friends would probably club together for joint gift.

brassbrass · 03/05/2018 12:59

That was responding to Margaret sorry

expatinscotland · 03/05/2018 13:00

'Why do people think that the only alternative to cash is either a toaster or a casserole dish?
Surely most couples who don’t ask for cash have a list.'

It's an excuse people use to tout for cash. 'But waaaa! I might get something I don't like!' 'If you love me, give me what I want!' The assumption is guests are too stupid to realise you've been living together for years so don't need a toaster, instead they have to be told, 'I want money!!!!!'

SneakyGremlins · 03/05/2018 13:01

expat Don't you mean "Unless you want me to hold a grudge for eternity give me cold hard cash!!"?

MargaretCavendish · 03/05/2018 13:02

Why do people think that the only alternative to cash is either a toaster or a casserole dish?
Surely most couples who don’t ask for cash have a list.

I can't see a single possible reason - apart from 'but that wasn't how it was done in my day!' - why gift lists would be ok, but asking for cash is rude. If it's ok to ask for specific gifts then it's ok for that request to be cash.

LaurieMarlow · 03/05/2018 13:04

I always feel sorry for Irish people. There's this expectation you have to hand over a wodge of cash even for an evening do where you have to buy your own drinks and leave your kids somewhere else.

Don't know why you'd feel sorry for them when most are perfectly happy with the arrangement.

Most Irish weddings aren't child free though.

SilverySurfer · 03/05/2018 13:06

Asking for anything is bad mannered and grabby. Whoever came up with the idea of the begging for money wedding poem should be exterminated. Quite frankly if someone said no boxed gift to me, they would still get the same gift minus the box.

I was brought up to accept gifts with profuse thanks even if it's the most useless/ugliest thing on earth. When did that change to it being ok to demand cash?

toomuchtooold · 03/05/2018 13:07

@johnnycomelately1 here in Germany we have kids' birthday party gift registries as well! I felt horribly awkward about it and didn't mention it on the kids' party invites but everyone went and used it anyway, as it's so normal they just assume you'll have done one. My kids had awesome fun doing it actually, going round the toyshop and picking out what they wanted - I guess that's what it must feel like if you do a wedding list. Good fun! Once you've picked the stuff it goes into a box with your kid's name and date of birth and people just pick out of it and buy the stuff and take it away and wrap it. It's especially good for us, my girls are twins, and otherwise they always end up with 2 or 3 of something between them. And it's a damned sight easier than asking the parent what the kid likes and then trying to check that nobody else already bought it.

takingsmallsteps · 03/05/2018 13:08

Would have hated coming to my Indian wedding, I had a garland of cash around my neck. 😂😂

MadMags · 03/05/2018 13:09

I always feel sorry for Irish people.

Er, thanks but you can save your pity.Hmm

As I and others have said; it’s only the British who have a stick up their arses about giving something something that they actually want.

I’ve yet to meet the Irish person who’s so controlling and so stuck on how he/she thinks people should act, that they will literally bring some unwanted shite to a celebration rather than stick twenty quid in a card.

expatinscotland · 03/05/2018 13:12

'As I and others have said; it’s only the British who have a stick up their arses about giving something something that they actually want. '

I'm not British Hmm. And from what you read on here, £20 in a card would be sneered at.

MadMags · 03/05/2018 13:13

Well, you’ve obviously been an expat long enough to have the same condescending attitude to other people’s cultures and traditions.

expatinscotland · 03/05/2018 13:17

'Well, you’ve obviously been an expat long enough to have the same condescending attitude to other people’s cultures and traditions.'

Eh? You seem to take everyone's posts extremely personally. Must walk round permanently angry at random comments you read on the internet. What a way to live Hmm. But hey, knock yourself out. Confused Biscuit

LaurieMarlow · 03/05/2018 13:17

it's an excuse people use to tout for cash. 'But waaaa! I might get something I don't like!'

How ridiculous. It's just practical and sensible. People don't want their friends and family wasting money on stuff they neither want nor need. Why is that so hard to understand?