To ask why everyone hates requests for money?

[MyOtherUsernameisaPun]

I'm genuinely baffled why so many on here are so opposed to people - especially couples getting married - asking for money in lieu of gifts?

I understand that there have been some shocking examples of behaviour (cancel the cheque) but why is a polite request that, if you want to give something, money rather than gifts is appreciated SO frowned upon?

In this day and age it's very rare for a couple not to live together before marriage, so it's unlikely that they need the traditional help in setting up a home together. And since not everyone has the same tastes, it's not always to judge what will really be a meaningful and appreciated wedding gift.

I would much rather give a couple money and know they will be able to use it on something they will really love and appreciate than spend the same money on a gift they aren't guaranteed to like (or on some tedious gift list purchase like pillowcases...)

Isn't it time we all moved on a bit and accepted that a gift isn't a requirement for attending a wedding but that if you want to give one and the bride and groom would find cash most helpful and welcome, we should just accept that?

I dislike giving money because I feel compelled to give more than I'd otherwise spend due to my ability to find bargains.

The amounts given at Irish weddings make mumsnetters want to cry.

Thankfully so far only one poster has been a xenophobic cunt about it, so we’re all good.

I’ve been to a friend’s wedding where I’ve given €100. In sterling that’s what, £75?

Family weddings yes, €250. Immediate family I’ve given €500 or bought something like the cake etc.

I’ve had siblings who gave €100 to close family or a few pitched in to pay for cars (for example).

We each give what we can, surely? Perhaps Irish people are more generous across the board but English people are literally the only ones I’ve ever heard of who give out about cash gifts and stress about the amount! Not that every English person thinks that, obviously.

I’ve only seen it on here so that’s my basis for reference!

Asking for money makes it seem like an entry fee - why not just say that and be done with it ,so much per person ...

Just remembered that after we danced my gran sat guarding the cash & didn’t move for the rest of the evening. It got banked first thing the following day (Monday)! Another MN faux pas Greek weddings are usually on a Sunday.

The other thing to remember about Ireland is that salaries are higher (as is the cost of living) so while it sounds like higher amounts, in real terms there probably isn't as much difference as it seems.

Not sure if this will work but take a look at these photos of the money dance. Will make MN eyes itch

images.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fcommons%2F0%2F0f%2FGreek_Wedding_Photography_Money_Dance.jpg&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fcommons.wikimedia.org%2Fwiki%2FFile%3AGreek_Wedding_Photography_Money_Dance.jpg&docid=vfPvFhpwMkd70M&tbnid=2uwguhugGdj5LM%3A&vet=1&w=666&h=444&hl=en-gb&source=sh%2Fx%2Fim

I could afford my wedding. In fact it come in under budget. I still put a ‘twee’ only your presence but if you must etc rhyme on my invitations because I know my family, there would have been endless phone calls asking what to buy (to me and my parents) and they just would not have turned up empty handed.

People buy presents for occasions. Birthdays/Christmas/weddings/christenings/births. It’s a given. And acting all sanctimonious and pretending otherwise is ridiculous.

I’d much rather give something useful than something that will be charity shopped or used begrudgingly ‘because it was a gift’

I think it's a good idea if you know your guests can afford it, and I would much rather contribute to someone having a brilliant honeymoon than give them yet another fruit bowl. However at a wedding last summer we found ourselves so broke that we could only afford to give an amount that would have been insultingly small. We'd already spent over a grand travelling from abroad to be there and had a bunch of unexpected bills on top of that. I was so embarrassed that I didn't even give the bride (one of my oldest friends) a wedding card as I felt so bad I had nothing to put in it. So I guess that's the flip side!

nordic but that's about your insecurities. I've had friends give me a tenner and I really couldn't care less. They gave what they could give. I wouldn't be going to the wedding of anyone I thought would judge me like that, because just ugh.

And you can get a good value gift but give someone less than 50 and you get an AIBU post about you on here!

If anyone actually posted an AIBU about that they would have their arse handed to them.

If you don't worry about that problem as a bride/groom, then either you know for certain that all your invitees are well off or you are not a very good friend.

This in spades hence why I think it's grabby.

I feel like if you don’t need anything to set up your house then you don’t need money. So don’t ask for anything

I'm always glad when invited to a wedding to have a gift list or to know they would like cash. It's easy for me. I give what I can afford at the time. Might be £10. Might be £50. Have always had a thankyou and never given it another thought. It's always been that guests have given gifts so if you don't specify what you would like it makes everything so awkward or the couple end up with lots of stuff they don't want/like. I'm all about the simple.

Nordic - I am astounded at the cheekery of a friend expecting you to pay over £1k to attend her wedding . Maybe I am lucky but I have never been invited to an overseas wedding and wouldn't dream of accepting if I was . My DB got married abroad but it was under the strict understanding that no one was invited/expected to attend. And no, thinking about it I didn't even get him a present anyway.

Why is 'setting up a house' a legitimate thing to get a gift for but nothing else?

I give a gift because I want to mark and celebrate a happy occasion (just as I would for a birthday, or the birth of a new baby). A wedding is no different.

No invites should come with gift lists and absolutely not requests for money. It is unbelievably rude and crass.

The entire point of a gift is that it isn't demanded and is at the discretion of the giver.

If a couple want cash, then of guests contact them before the day asking them what they want they can say that but requesting it with an invitation is so rude.

With cash people feel they have to give a certain amount and it puts strain and pressure on those who can't really afford to give what is seen as a "reasonable" amount.

I hadn’t come across asking for money before my goddaughter’s wedding a couple of years ago - they asked for contributions to a honeymoon. We obliged but I know quite a lot of people found it vulgar. I know it has long been a tradition in many other countries and cultures but it hasn’t here so it is taking a bit of getting used to. And for all those moaning about trailing around and wrapping, online gift registries take all of that out of the equation anyway.

My daughter is getting married this year - said they didn’t want any gifts at all but, after considering further and being asked by some people for a list, there is now a link on the info website they have set up to a gift registry with a variety of prices levels and quite a few charity options. They honestly wouldn’t be concerned if anyone didn’t give them anything, it’s their joining it at the occasion they want and I think they would be very surprised and embarrassed if anyone gave them cash in a card.

Oh sorry @Ragwort I should have been more clear, her wedding was in the UK but we're living abroad ATM. We live in a popular tourist location and her wedding was in school summer holiday so flights were at their peak. I definitely wouldn't pay 1k for someone's destination wedding!

Yanbu.

We lived together for ten years before tying the knot. Marriage wasn’t a big deal for us and tbh we didn’t want any gifts or fuss. We live in a small flat and have everything we could possibly need. But let wanted to give us things. My mum went spare when I said I didn’t want anything and desperately wanted me to get a John Lewis gift registry like everyone else. Tbh snooping on people’s gift registries and critiquing their taste seems to be a bit of a sport amongst some middle class women!

Anyway, we haven’t any space for or interest in crystal glasses or a 60 piece dinner set so we asked people to donate to our fund to do up out garden. It was a complete tip and we had been trying to sa e for ages to do it. Some people gave us money, some plants, lovely books, etc

It was really great and improving our property was a really wise way to help us as a couple.

It’s easy to be cynical but we really didn’t care if people got us nothing. We really didn’t expect people to give generously if they couldn’t.

And yes @ThisIsTheFirstStep definitely just about my insecurities, but I doubt I'm unusual feeling that way. I think a lot of people finding themselves unable to give more than a tenner would feel rude and a bit shit. She isn't a grabby person at all and has been very generous to me in the past, so I really don't think she minded. I think I felt extra bad though because of her past generosity. She also went to quite a lot of trouble to make her wedding child friendly for my benefit. I sent her a message after her honeymoon apologising and she replied saying don't worry at all, we know how much it cost you to come, just glad you could make it etc. 6 months later when we'd sorted out our financial problems I sent her a card with a decent amount in it, saying "sorry we couldn't contribute to your honeymoon, please enjoy a nice meal on us now instead". It was really not a big thing (or even a small thing) in our friendship, I didn't and still don't mind that she asked for money, I just feel bad that I wasn't able to contribute in the way that she wanted. If we get married in the future I think I would be tempted to just say "please no gifts" on the invites and avoid the whole mindfield!

Why is 'setting up a house' a legitimate thing to get a gift for but nothing else?

Because some people are extremely odd.

But that is asking for money for a specific purpose in just a (very) slightly different way It was to make it easier for those who couldn't lug my chosen china to deepest Devon for the wedding. Some people went and bought the china, but for those who were serving at HMs pleasure on board a reactive submarine, it was easier to go to Habitat and buy vouchers than do anything else. We got stacks (literally) of bath sheets as well, hence still using them 32 years on.

There wasn't a long lead time either, it was 6 weeks between invites and wedding due to the programme of the aforementioned submarine for the next two years.

dede's hardcore position above (no asking for anything) is one thing. Given every invite I've ever had has couched it as 'you don't have to bring anything' the position feels quite judgemental, but it is certainly consistent.

However, what I don't get is those who are okay with a John Lewis registry but not a honeymoon registry. It's exactly the same thing, it's just the nature of the gift that's different.

nordic I don't know, I guess I don't really get it. I'm friends with my friends because they're nice, and we are open enough to be able to say 'I'm totally skint, sorry about that' and for no-one to care. I would never feel guilty or shit for not being able to give something to other people, that's just how it is sometimes.

Seems like some people resent ever giving anything.

You get invited to a wedding and it's customary to give a gift. If you don't want to, don't. But if you do, what's wrong with getting them something they want?