To ask why everyone hates requests for money?

[MyOtherUsernameisaPun]

I'm genuinely baffled why so many on here are so opposed to people - especially couples getting married - asking for money in lieu of gifts?

I understand that there have been some shocking examples of behaviour (cancel the cheque) but why is a polite request that, if you want to give something, money rather than gifts is appreciated SO frowned upon?

In this day and age it's very rare for a couple not to live together before marriage, so it's unlikely that they need the traditional help in setting up a home together. And since not everyone has the same tastes, it's not always to judge what will really be a meaningful and appreciated wedding gift.

I would much rather give a couple money and know they will be able to use it on something they will really love and appreciate than spend the same money on a gift they aren't guaranteed to like (or on some tedious gift list purchase like pillowcases...)

Isn't it time we all moved on a bit and accepted that a gift isn't a requirement for attending a wedding but that if you want to give one and the bride and groom would find cash most helpful and welcome, we should just accept that?

The reality is that the social norms about giving money have changed.

They really haven’t. Like baby showers, some people have adopted this as a new thing but It’s not yet the norm by any means. My DC are of marrying age and none of their friends ask for money.

The moh, motb are to be armed with a list traditionally to field calls and offer suggestions. Such as...the bride to be is decorating her bedroom in blue so any bedding blue...they are doing their kitchen in 50's diner style and bride loves the pale aqua vintage looking mixer/toaster/kettle, the china pattern is xxx, or they really have everything, money would be appreciated.

This is so old-fashioned that everyone I know would think it's laughable. My mum (who, you know, works and has a life) did not want to field endless phone calls from strangers before our wedding, and nor did any of my friends want to call either my or DH's mother! The gifts are surely for the couple, not 'the bride' - unless, of course, you think that anything domestic is women's work. Everyone involved would have thought we'd gone mad if we'd told them that this was how we expected it to be done!

They really haven’t. Like baby showers, some people have adopted this as a new thing but It’s not yet the norm by any means. My DC are of marrying age and none of their friends ask for money.

I guess it depends on your own group. I'm 33, have been to around 30 weddings, every single one has involved a mention of gifts on the invitation and the overwhelming majority have asked for money (either directly or through one of those 'buy a honeymoon experience' websites). Those who didn't had an online gift list. SE and very middle class, if that makes a difference. So for us, yes, this is completely the norm.

They really haven’t. Like baby showers, some people have adopted this as a new thing but It’s not yet the norm by any means. My DC are of marrying age and none of their friends ask for money.

They certainly have. The proof of this is how often they're happening- look at all the threads on here about it. It is much more common than it was a few years back. If not a single one of your children's friends have asked for money, their circle is likely to be unrepresentative.

So yes, social norms about giving money have changed. It's no longer something that in the UK is only confined to people from certain ethnic groups. White British people are doing it too: it has become not unusual.

If you’re so offended, just don’t go.

I’ve never been ASKED for money. I’ve been told ‘we don’t want gifts but if you DO want to give us something, please just send some money.’ If. Conditional. What is grasping about that?

If you think so little of the people whose wedding you’ve been invited to, why even go? I don’t get it. Why fill up their house with useless tat they don’t want? They don’t need 18 kettles and 50 teapots and 19 butter knives so why not just help them have a happy start to their marriage by relieving some of the money worries we all have these days?

I don't mind giving money for general birthdays - but for particularly special occasions like 18ths, christenings and weddings I like to buy a gift that will be kept. Even when buying off a gift list I try to choose something long lasting.

Not everyone hates it. I am happy to give whatever the couple prefer if its a wedding. They are giving me a happy day and feeding me, I want to give a gift in return to either help them with their house or honeymoon

Shame more people don't dump the grumpiness really

I have said this a few times on here before. In Ireland everyone gives money, it is more or less the done thing and quite a lot of money at that. The only exception I have ever seen to that as a rule is when someone sent out one of those obnoxious poems requesting demanding money. There were more toasters and bedsheets brought to that wedding than I have ever seen before. Ironically it probably cost more to bring them over on Ryanair than to buy the present. People don’t like ungracious people it is that simple.

We didn't have a list as such, but when asked wanted M&S bath sheets and Habitat vouchers to buy china. 32 years on, we still use some of the bath sheets, and the china is used every day. It was nice to thank people and say they'd paid for a covered serving dish, or dinner plates etc.

Habitat vouchers to buy china

But that is asking for money for a specific purpose in just a (very) slightly different way to asking for cash for a honeymoon.

It's grabby, ugly and entitled. Why ask for anything at all? Gift or money? We didn't. Guests chose for themselves what to do and we appreciated everything.

And how much money is acceptable? Is there a minimum that doesn't result in being slagged off?

I have no objection to giving money, but as I have been poor for most of my life, that would, for a long time, have required a bride and bridegroom who had no objection to receiving a cheque for a fiver and an environment in which I did not have to feel embarrassed about writing out a cheque for a fiver.

Come on, OP, how comfortable would you feel, writing out a cheque equivalent to the price of a set of wooden spoons or a plastic tea tray (2 gifts which we did receive at our own wedding and are still using 25 years later)?

I would have been very unhappy if I thought a request for money meant people felt pushed to spend more than they could afford.

If you don't worry about that problem as a bride/groom, then either you know for certain that all your invitees are well off or you are not a very good friend.

Money is so difficult. Choosing a gift list its polite to put cheaper gifts on there to appeal to a range of budgets. I got sets of coasters for £7 and crystal glasses (in the sale) for similar amounts. If people had given me a tenner then it would have got absorbed in the general pile of gift money and forgotten. In fact i felt bad for my hard up friends giving me a tenner and wished they hadn't. You can't really give it back though can you!

But everyone's different. I didnt get nice stuff for my home until i got married. You can get a discount from the store afterwards for anything not bought to encourage you to put the kitchen sink (nearly literally!) On there.

Im way past all the friends getting married stage. But people used to get a bit at requests for money. Even the specific honeymoon websites were a bit much. I dont mind giving money but it is very difficult to work in such a way that it sounds not grabby or ungrateful.

I also don't like the request for paying for a honeymoon because it's invariably some luxury Kenyan safari or similarly extravagant trip to Bali. After spending hundreds of pounds on travel and overnight expenses plus an outfit I rather resent being asked to put towards something so over the top

I like to buy a gift that will be kept.

I understand the sentiment. However, there is a good chance that this means 'kept in the back of a cupboard until it eventually goes to the charity shop'.

We got 3 wine decanters when we got married. We've never used any of them and I don't like the idea that people paid hard earned money for them.

I agree it's a generational thing. So much has changed in a generation or two and it looks like social norms struggle to catch up.

Our relationship with 'stuff' has changed, lots of people are more minimalist now. Houses have become smaller. People are living together before they get married and have the basics. We are increasingly valuing experiences over things.

All of these shifts mean that a gift of a toaster is less relevant or useful.

I love those honeymoon registry sites where you get to put money towards a meal/drinks/hotel night. I know my friends will get genuine enjoyment from a present like this, so why wouldn't I want that for them?

Irish here I gave 250e to my cousin last year and will give the same to my other cousin this year. It seems to be the done thing here.

We have given cash for all recent weddings, though they were all family or dcs of very close friends. I don't think any of them actually asked for cash, though. All the most recent have said 'no presents, just presence', but we've given cash anyway.

I did hear after the event that a certain amount of cash is expected at an Irish wedding - at least enough to cover the costs of inviting you. Though if any Irish poster says different, I'm willing to be corrected.

Our relationship with 'stuff' has changed, lots of people are more minimalist now. Houses have become smaller. People are living together before they get married and have the basics. We are increasingly valuing experiences over things

Most people also have more disposable income, so they will buy what they want/need as and when they go along or when they see it at a good price.

They don't need to be given one for a wedding present, birthday, Christmas etc and see no point doing without towels, kettle, toaster etc for months on end because they're all on the wedding list.

You need a kettle, you just buy one rather than put it on a wedding list and hope that someone selects it as a present months down the line.

The amounts given at Irish weddings make mumsnetters want to cry.

However if people can't afford it, there isn't an expectation. I have relatives who are pretty strapped and we all we ever wanted was their presence on the day, nothing else. They gave us some spectacular cards which were lovely.

Oh wow I've really hit every mn faux pas on the head. I've got a big wedding, asked for money for the honeymoon and even asked for it in poem form. The thing it, I can afford a honeymoon even without the donations and we would have still had the trip regardless. But my partner is from a country where you have to pay an annual tax on property you own and the tax on a house on London would be extortionate so we won't be buying a property here. People who thinks they are being thoughtful by gifting things we need to attach to walls are then hurt when they visit and find them in a drawer because we can't attach things to our wall, and we have lived together for 10 years so our home is completely kitted out. Let's be honest, I'd rather my money went on something the couple could and wanted to use, rather than it end up in their mother's loft because they don't have the space for it

Greek weddings are similar to Irish weddings but only if you can afford to & depends on how close you are. We got cheques from £30 to £3000 & that was 24 years ago. My parents paid for our wedding so the money was put towards decorating, furniture & household items.

For other friends the money is what paid for the wedding. There is no such thing as a small Greek wedding. I’ve known parents who pin thousands on bride/groom borrow the money so they don’t lose face. No point coming on here saying they shouldn’t do so because it’s a cultural norm & expected that they will do so.

its polite to put cheaper gifts on there to appeal to a range of budgets.

The honeymoon experience sites all do this too.

I won’t give cash as a wedding gift unless it’s specified as it feels a bit transactional, like I’m buying a ticket. However as with all things to do with my friends weddings, I try to be supportive and happy for them instead of snark. Happy to oblige if that’s what they want.

I really think that given everyone knows people will take a gift for a wedding, when people give a steer as to what they would like if people are kind enough to buy them something then it’s a bit precious to get offended by it and say it’s “requesting” gifts. It isn’t, it’s just being realistic about it and making it easier for the guests. I hate a wedding invitation with no mention of what to do.

Like @margaretcavendish, I’m 33 and middle class and have only ever been to one or two weddings that didn’t mention gifts in the information (and I’ve been to 30 or so weddings). It just doesn’t raise an eyebrow in any of my circles of friends, and in fact Debretts now says the practice, while not traditional etiquette, is almost universal.

A lot of Greek people would be horrified at wedding list as it shows how much people have spent whereas when pinning on money you can be quite discrete about how much you are giving unless you are pinning on a cheque.

My sister had money and she sat opening her cards of cash whereas I had anything and was so much more fun opening gifts! Also I have ideas for people's wedding present and then am told they want money! And you can get a good value gift but give someone less than 50 and you get an AIBU post about you on here!