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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why everyone hates requests for money?

411 replies

MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 02/05/2018 20:02

I'm genuinely baffled why so many on here are so opposed to people - especially couples getting married - asking for money in lieu of gifts?

I understand that there have been some shocking examples of behaviour (cancel the cheque) but why is a polite request that, if you want to give something, money rather than gifts is appreciated SO frowned upon?

In this day and age it's very rare for a couple not to live together before marriage, so it's unlikely that they need the traditional help in setting up a home together. And since not everyone has the same tastes, it's not always to judge what will really be a meaningful and appreciated wedding gift.

I would much rather give a couple money and know they will be able to use it on something they will really love and appreciate than spend the same money on a gift they aren't guaranteed to like (or on some tedious gift list purchase like pillowcases...)

Isn't it time we all moved on a bit and accepted that a gift isn't a requirement for attending a wedding but that if you want to give one and the bride and groom would find cash most helpful and welcome, we should just accept that?

OP posts:
DonutCone · 03/05/2018 13:18

It's costing me £2700 for flights to go to my sisters wedding. Plus hotel, plus hire car etc. She wants a cash gift. I think there is actually very little B&G appreciation of how much their wedding costs everyone else.

I know it's not a summons etc but there are weddings you are going to have to go to. The idea of having to put a lot of money in a card hurts when you've spent so much already. With a gift I do think you can spend less without it being as obvious.

MargaretCavendish · 03/05/2018 13:18

And from what you read on here, £20 in a card would be sneered at.

Oh come on. You definitely have been on Mumsnet long enough to take what people say on here with a pinch of salt.

expatinscotland · 03/05/2018 13:19

As for a condescending attitude to a place's culture tradition, well, pot.kettle.black: 'As I and others have said; it’s only the British who have a stick up their arses about giving something something that they actually want. '

LaurieMarlow · 03/05/2018 13:19

And from what you read on here, £20 in a card would be sneered at.

That's utter bollocks. As has been said already, anyone with this attitude would get their arse handed to them on here.

brassbrass · 03/05/2018 13:20

But it's not 20 quid is it from what someone else was saying. For an Irish wedding you're expected to fork out around 250. Really? And does no one care whether their guests can afford it or not?

CuntinuousMingeprovement · 03/05/2018 13:20

Vouchers have all the same affordability issues as cash brassbrass. You just can't spend them in as many places, thus they're more likely to be wasted. Personally I always like to think of cash as a type of voucher. But one that you don't have to use in Debenhams et al.

All the references to what happens in other countries are irrelevant unless you're in that country or from that country.

Not in the slightest expat. For three reasons.

The first is that it's potentially relevant if you're neither in nor from the country concerned, but one or both of the couple is. They may well be following their own culture partially, and if you're invited you'll need to make decisions about whether to ask if that's what they're doing and if so, whether to go along with it.

The second is that as the UK becomes more multicultural, the British born population not only comprises more people who have roots in one of the cultures that does things differently even though they themselves are British (like me) but also absorbs some of the traditions the immigrants bring with them. This has happened in many areas already, so the idea that it might also impact on traditional etiquette shouldn't be a shock to anyone.

The third is that if nearly the whole planet does things a different way and you're the only ones who get the smelling salts out at the mere possibility of someone wanting a gift for their wedding and minding if it's some item they don't want and wouldn't pick, it's time to think about whether you're the odd ones.

I must say, whenever I read these threads I'm always moved to wonder how many of you have shares in John Lewis and Debenhams.

LaurieMarlow · 03/05/2018 13:21

It's costing me £2700 for flights to go to my sisters wedding. Plus hotel, plus hire car etc. She wants a cash gift

While I get your pain, this level of expenditure to attend a wedding isn't typical at all.

expatinscotland · 03/05/2018 13:21

'Oh come on. You definitely have been on Mumsnet long enough to take what people say on here with a pinch of salt.'

No, because it's happened far more than once and in real life there's plenty of tales of couples who get their arse out of kilter at being given a sum like £20 as a wedding present, particularly for an all-day invitation (if the wedding is divided into day and evening do's).

ToothTrauma · 03/05/2018 13:21

I love requests for money. I love them even more if I can use PayPal or Apple Pay. I don’t have to buy, wrap or carry anything, or even find my credit card. Love it!

Original poster
MyOtherUsernameisaPun · 03/05/2018 13:21

I honestly don't know a single person who would sneer at getting £20 in a card. It's possible that I just have much nicer friends and family than some of you, but I think it's more likely that some of you are imagining feelings that aren't there!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/05/2018 13:23

And if you're don't care how your guests might take your request, what's it matter then? Why bother asking if you're going to do it anyway? Go for it!

LaurieMarlow · 03/05/2018 13:24

there's plenty of tales of couples who get their arse out of kilter at being given a sum like £20 as a wedding present

If you can actually find such posts, with other posters backing them up rather than telling them they're entitled arseholes, I'd love to see them.

jigglepiggle · 03/05/2018 13:25

I love when people ask for money - saves me having to think of a thoughtful gift!

MadMags · 03/05/2018 13:26

Eh? You seem to take everyone's posts extremely personally. Must walk round permanently angry at random comments you read on the internet. What a way to live

No, I don’t. You must go around extrapolating wildly because someone disagrees with you...

Or not, because I won’t make massive assumptions about your entire character and personality based on disagreeing with your viewpoint on this thread...

MrsDilber · 03/05/2018 13:27

It is crass and embarrassing.

I'd always buy a gift, something unusual, even if money were asked for.

But, if I'm attending any wedding, it's only someone I really care about, so they know what I'd do and I know what they'd like.

MadMags · 03/05/2018 13:27

For an Irish wedding you're expected to fork out around 250. Really? And does no one care whether their guests can afford it or not?

Yes, yes we Irish are a hive mind and everyone does the exact same thing in every situation, always.

And of course if you don’t pay €250 exactly, you’re excommunicated.

Ffs!

expatinscotland · 03/05/2018 13:28

Okay, Mags, you told someone to fuck off as a response. It was a shite post, granted, but hey, why not just report it and move on?

CuntinuousMingeprovement · 03/05/2018 13:29

I do too jiggle! And I like registries for the same reason. Saves your guests the time and trouble. Having young children and juggling this with job etc, I'm at a point in my life where both of those are at a premium. I do sometimes go to weddings where people don't come from a culture where money is the norm so it wouldn't be assumed, so it's a real help.

MadMags · 03/05/2018 13:29

I'd always buy a gift, something unusual, even if money were asked for.

Why, though? Your “unusual” is likely someone else’s absolute shite and you’re just adding to a huge amount of stuff people neither need nor want.

If it’s not to your taste, you never have to ask for money. That’s your prerogative. But why are you controlling what other people decide they want for themselves?

It’s so bizarre!

CuntinuousMingeprovement · 03/05/2018 13:30

I'd always buy a gift, something unusual, even if money were asked for.

But, if I'm attending any wedding, it's only someone I really care about, so they know what I'd do and I know what they'd like.

In that scenario, what they'd like would be cash...

MadMags · 03/05/2018 13:30

Okay, Mags, you told someone to fuck off as a response. It was a shite post, granted, but hey, why not just report it and move on?

I did report it and it was left to stand.

Too right I’ll tell someone to fuck off in that situation! It wasn’t just shite. It was xenophobic.

brassbrass · 03/05/2018 13:32

There's no smelling salts needed thanks Hmm. The judgement implicated in your response to the vouchers is interesting. So you can also be judged to death about what store as well as how much cash. Amaaaazing.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 03/05/2018 13:40

For an Irish wedding you're expected to fork out around 250. Really? And does no one care whether their guests can afford it or not?

I'm planning my (Irish) wedding at the moment and I've arranged for people to stand at the door checking gift amounts before people are admitted to the ceremony.

Or... I won't be putting anything on the invitations about gifts. If people ask, we'll say we don't want anything but if they want to give something, money would be appreciated most and we'll gratefully receive anything people choose to give, whether that's €250 or just a card with a nice message. As most of my friends and family have done.

Mousefunky · 03/05/2018 13:41

I think weddings have become ridiculously lavish and ostentatious over the past couple of decades, even for people who clearly can’t afford it. Therein lies the problem, they are essentially requesting the guests pay for their place at the wedding the couple couldn’t afford.

People heavily resent being told what to do as well. Weddings can be expensive enough to attend without worrying about placing ‘enough’ money in an envelope. Gifts allow people to spend within their means.

Oh and the twee fuck poems on the invitations make my teeth itch.

CuntinuousMingeprovement · 03/05/2018 13:42

I said you're getting the smelling salts out, not that you need them. There's a distinction.

Also, any judgement you might see in my post about store choice is another invention on your part, one that I bear zero responsibility for, but yes I guess it's possible you could be judged for the store you choose. Myself I've only ever given vouchers when specifically asked for them, so it's not a concern I've had. Still though, if it's something that bothers you enough to mention, you could just give cash...