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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to worry I have no choice but to become my MIL around the house

385 replies

JammyDodger99 · 02/05/2018 17:38

I will preface this by saying my DP is absolutely wonderful and I love him dearly. We are engaged to be married this year and have been living together under a year.

Again, to preface - our relationship is strong and healthy, and we never fight- our communication is good and if we ever disagree we are good at working things through by talking calmly.

So to the problem... That said, he is pretty hopeless at "practical" tasks including housework and DIY. My MIL raised him in a totally sexist environment where the boys were totally cooked and catered for and the girls looked after the house. Hmm She never expected the boys to lift a finger for anything and cleaned up all around them.. (I still see this in evidence when we visit her where her other DS are still at home). Thankfully, DP is intelligent and enlightened and realises this was completely ridiculous (and that we will not raise any future DC in this way)! He doesn't want to perpetuate this inequality in our household or with future DCs and would describe himself as a feminist.

However, his upbringing has left him without skills in this area, and I have had to teach him the very basics, including how to make a cup of tea! Before we met he lived in a rather stereotypical shared house with a load of guys who relied on Deliveroo for everything so he didn't pick up many household skills (FFS).

He is not great at doing things because he doesn't notice when they need doing e.g. doesn't automatically think about the laundry or cleaning the surfaces, and his expectations are generally lower than mine as well e.g. he would be okay about leaving a dirty plate on the side which I wouldn't. I don't want to make excuses but I genuinely don't think he notices half the time.

To his credit, whenever I ask him he immediately helps out, but it doesn't come naturally, and so I worry I will become a nag after years of this. He also needs guidance and can't cook a meal from scratch or even do the laundry without repeated instruction! FFS I know this sounds like a nightmare!!! He is so wonderful though, supportive of me, kind, funny etc and this is the only problem I have with our relationship!

DP and I both work, however he works reeeally long hours leaving at about 8.30 and not usually getting home until 10pm-12miidnight (and sometimes after). He also sometimes has to work through the weekend but not always. My hours are much more normal so I tend to have evenings available. Therefore I obviously do end up with the lion's share of housework / household chores which, on balance, I think is fair enough since I have more time.

When tackling a household chore at the weekend when he is there, I have found myself thinking "it will be easier / quicker to do this myself" but then I feel like I will start doing everything and basically become my MIL. (please no).

When we have discussed this my DP is open and agrees he should contribute fairly and is always very sorry he hasn't been proactive about it. DP says he wants to be reminded but I have said I'm not sure I should have to - not sure if this is realistic. DP's other suggestion is that because he is time poor he would be happy to pay a cleaner to do his share so I do less. (DP earns considerably more than me so could afford it - very lucky I know).

I don't know how I feel about all of this. He is genuinely not a lazy bastard, he works really hard for us both and is super supportive in every other way. Sometimes I watch him when he's doing some task I've asked him to help with, like changing the bedsheets or making a sandwich, and it's clear he really has no clue what he is doing!! If I didn't have to be on the receiving end I would find it hilarious, watching him fumble around bless him. E.g. When I asked him to cook some pasta he put the saucepan on the hob with no water!! Lol! I just assumed he would know how, this but it is tragic!

Again, I don't mean to paint him out the wrong way - he is in fact highly intelligent and in a very responsible job! Lol.

I have a feeling this must be a fairly common issue with men who have been raised in this way. What can I do or how should we both handle this as we embark on married life? Does anyone else have experience of being with a man raised in this way?

Don't even start me on how we will cope if and when babies come along. I am fully aware of how much we will need to support one another so we stay together, and don't crumble under the lack of sleep and hellish hard work of a baby. I guess I am trying to work out how we can move forward to pave the way for this as well.

Any advice from those with a similar experience gratefully received. X

OP posts:
JammyDodger99 · 02/05/2018 20:49

Cornishclio Thanks, helpful advice.

OP posts:
PatisserieDeBayeux · 02/05/2018 20:50

My MIL raised him in a totally sexist environment where the boys were totally cooked and catered for and the girls looked after the house
So did mine. However, as housework is a very simple yet tedious thing to do, he just cracked on. Nobody knows how to cook a meal from scratch until they are shown, or open a book that explains how to do it. (My mother taught me nothing. I taught myself housework)
Nobody can change a duvet quickly until they get a bit of practise in.
I mean, there's the bucket, there's the mop, and there's a dirty floor.

If he makes a pig's ear of it, lower your standards until he gets more practised. Nobody is any more or less hopeless at what is a very simple practical task than the next person (SEN apart)
If he's a very intelligent person in a very responsible job, I'd say he's pulling your pisser about being hopeless at housework.

KERALA1 · 02/05/2018 20:52

Not husband material. I've dumped boyfriends for less. A life as a skivvy? I'll pass thanks.

Lacucuracha · 02/05/2018 20:54

So he only wanted to pay the cleaner for HIS half of the cleaning? So you would continue to do your half housel?

I think that says a lot about him. He obviously thinks some cleaning is your role.

You sound too good for him OP.

He sounds like he's all talk but no action, because after a year of living together he should have made heaps of progress.

JammyDodger99 · 02/05/2018 20:56

I'm sorry KERALA but I have already addressed this so called advice to break off our marriage. I am not going to lose an otherwise wonderful partner and relationship for the sake of housework, which is an area we can take steps to work on.

OP posts:
JammyDodger99 · 02/05/2018 20:58

Lacucuracha I probably worded that poorly. In light of his working hours he suggested one option could be for him for pay for a cleaner for us both.

However, in the thread this has been discussed and I'm now thinking this could work after DP has started doing stuff himself.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 02/05/2018 20:58

What massively difficult and complex job does he do, OP?

JammyDodger99 · 02/05/2018 21:02

Pengggwn I said he had a lot of responsibility.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 02/05/2018 21:02

Bear in mind that a cleaner will need the house to be tidy. So he needs to take equal responsibility for that.

If he is still passive about things like changing a lightbulb or calling a plumber when something goes wrong, or wiping down the loo after he had had the runs, then you are going to struggle.

It's all very well for him to apologise and acknowledge he needs to do more but you need to see action OP!

Lacucuracha · 02/05/2018 21:02

I'm guessing he is a lawyer or a doctor?

Kardashianlove · 02/05/2018 21:06

You seem very open to listening to ideas which is a good thing.

His actions and attitude seem like he doesn’t have much respect for you.

I think a big part of the problem is that you’re having to sit down and discuss this with him. He should WANT to do these things and figure them out so it’s not all left to you. The fact that you’ve had to post on here for advice speaks volumes about his attitude towards you.

I’m sure at work he wouldn’t wait to be ‘nagged’ by his boss over basic tasks and be so helpless over moonpig or a sandwhich if his boss/collegues were watching him? Probably because he respects them too much to behave like that.

I wouldn’t keep showing him, I would let him figure it out. If he wants to do it, he will. If he doesn’t, you’ll know where you stand.

Blueunicorn · 02/05/2018 21:06

Write out instructions. Every silly detail. So he has it to hand or stick it somewhere so he can't lose it. Sounds like most men tbh, trying to get out of doing things!!

FloraFox · 02/05/2018 21:08

You might be interested in this thread OP as it sounds like your situation in a few years.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3082251-Men-whose-lives-are-facilitated-by-women-how-did-this-happen?msgid=73305102

Ledkr · 02/05/2018 21:08

God. Don't you find it a turn off?
I don't remember my mum teaching me household tasks I just learned cos I had to!

MillicentF · 02/05/2018 21:09

I thought it was feminists who were supposed to hate and dispise men....

NorthStarGrassman · 02/05/2018 21:11

TEACH him to hoover?! Push on button on hoover, push over floor moving things as appropriate? I taught my 10 year old to hoover. I said “hoover that room please” and he completed all the required steps without any further instruction. Even without ovaries to help him.

I would be careful about the cleaner issue. Pp has pointed out all the things a cleaner doesn’t do but also that you need a basic level of tidiness before they come in. My dh is not generally bad at doing housework but he is fucking awful at tidying. We had a cleaner for a while but I got so fed up nagging the rest of the family to tidy the night before she came (and ending up doing most of it myself) that I cancelled her. At least this way it feels like we’re sharing the load more evenly. And yes, it was of course me who found a cleaner, organised paying her, sorted out keys etc etc.

aaarrrggghhhh · 02/05/2018 21:13

I am intrigued what these instructions being suggested could be:

Change Sheets

  1. Take off dirty sheets.
  2. Put on clean sheets.

Hoover floors

  1. Hoover floors

For what its worth I used to have very responsible job with very long hours and I was never taught any household stuff whatsoever growing up. I am also genuinely hopeless at understanding practical instructions. I have never been unable to change the sheets, vacuum, dust, wash the dishes or take out (and clean!) the bin.

I know that you think people are being mean OP - but he - consciously or subconsciously - is deciding not to use his brain to work out how to what are very simple tasks.

Most importantly it really is not your job to "teach" him these things. It would be astounding if he genuinely couldn't work out how to do them if he tried.

Kismett · 02/05/2018 21:15

I grew up a bit spoiled and when I left home I didn't know how to do laundry or clean a bathroom, among other things. I learned.

My husband is an only child and grew up with a mother that did all the cooking. When he moved out, he learned how to cook. I've been married before, to someone who didn't, and the difference is amazing. It's wonderful to be with someone who is willing to take some responsibility and learn new things. And we love cooking together!

Start as you mean to go on. And don't take responsibility for showing him how to do everything. Offer once. Let him know this is very important to you and that you refuse to take your MIL's role in the marriage. Talk about the division of labour. Tell him you will show him your methods if he'd rather learn from you, but also make it clear that he needs to learn from somewhere and you're not going to nag.

Best of luck.

Hire a cleaner, don't hire a cleaner. But he still needs to know how to help out and show willingness.

PatisserieDeBayeux · 02/05/2018 21:16

However he does seem more "hopeless" during these times of stress

When my dh used to have a really stressful week working away from home,
he'd ask me to save the ironing for him. Found it relaxing. Also cooking. Even when he wasn't really that brilliant at either.
He's very good at both now. I'm not really understanding all this, tbh.
An intelligent adult man does not require this amount of mollycoddling. He sounds like he's been spoilt and wants things to continue that way.

Dozer · 02/05/2018 21:18

His hours and not pulling his weight may annoy you now, but should you have DC you may no longer be willing - or able - to facilitate him.

Domestic / practical work is a huge part of parenting, and not just in the early years. Mental load increases hugely too. Would he, for example, do his fair share of parenting before and after childcare hours so you would be able to WoH?

magoria · 02/05/2018 21:19

DP wasn't allowed in the kitchen when he lived at home. When he moved out, he figured it out. He loves cooking and looking up new things to try.

No house work is rocket science.

If they can turn on a PC/stereo they can turn on a hoover and push it over the floor. Heck they even come with instructions when they buy them. Like a PC to put together and plug in etc.

Everything comes with instructions. If he can't read them how can he manage most of the stuff in his high powered job?

To say they can't do it and look at it pathetically really is insulting your intelligence.

it's not he can't do it. He just doesn't think it is worthy for him to learn when someone else his mum, you or a (female?) cleaner can do it for him.

By all means sit and work out a rota with him for his share of the household tasks. Don't draw up a rota for him. That is saying it is still your job to manage it all.

Giraffey1 · 02/05/2018 21:21

Don’t get sidestepped by the ‘he has a lot of responsibilities’ line. It is irrelevant. It doesn’t impact on his ability to contribute to household chores. What is important is that he has a genuine desire to be an equal partner. If he is sincere, you shouldn’t have to sit down and teach him. He should be rolling up his sleeves and getting on with it. As has been pointed out many times, a 10 year old can work out how to hoover without training!

TheClitterati · 02/05/2018 21:22

He's really not that special or wonderful or different OP.

In fact he is exactly the same as all the other strategically incompetent losers who think is a women's job to keep house because it comes naturally to them. Their are billions of MN threads about these chancers. They think because they have a penis they can be brilliant and clever at work, but are far to special to ever demean themselves to make a bed, wash clothes or clean the bathroom. Of course they dress it up as "oh I'm I bit thick I'll never learn, and darling you're so clever and good at it". And you've fallen for it.

He is far from being a feminist too.

Wise up! Things will only get worse if you have kids.

MsJudgemental · 02/05/2018 21:25

I would also be concerned that he is out of the house from 08.30 until 22:00 - 00:00 everyday, including some weekends. When do you spend any time together? How’s that going to work with the babies?

Chocolatedeficitdisorder · 02/05/2018 21:25

DH and I moved in together 25 years ago. After 2 weeks I realised that he hadn't put any clothes in the machine and that I'd been putting on his washing in with mine.

I haven't washed any of his clothes since. His work stuff goes in the machine at 10pm on a Sunday night. Not my problem.