to worry I have no choice but to become my MIL around the house

[JammyDodger99]

I will preface this by saying my DP is absolutely wonderful and I love him dearly. We are engaged to be married this year and have been living together under a year.

Again, to preface - our relationship is strong and healthy, and we never fight- our communication is good and if we ever disagree we are good at working things through by talking calmly.

So to the problem... That said, he is pretty hopeless at "practical" tasks including housework and DIY. My MIL raised him in a totally sexist environment where the boys were totally cooked and catered for and the girls looked after the house. She never expected the boys to lift a finger for anything and cleaned up all around them.. (I still see this in evidence when we visit her where her other DS are still at home). Thankfully, DP is intelligent and enlightened and realises this was completely ridiculous (and that we will not raise any future DC in this way)! He doesn't want to perpetuate this inequality in our household or with future DCs and would describe himself as a feminist.

However, his upbringing has left him without skills in this area, and I have had to teach him the very basics, including how to make a cup of tea! Before we met he lived in a rather stereotypical shared house with a load of guys who relied on Deliveroo for everything so he didn't pick up many household skills (FFS).

He is not great at doing things because he doesn't notice when they need doing e.g. doesn't automatically think about the laundry or cleaning the surfaces, and his expectations are generally lower than mine as well e.g. he would be okay about leaving a dirty plate on the side which I wouldn't. I don't want to make excuses but I genuinely don't think he notices half the time.

To his credit, whenever I ask him he immediately helps out, but it doesn't come naturally, and so I worry I will become a nag after years of this. He also needs guidance and can't cook a meal from scratch or even do the laundry without repeated instruction! FFS I know this sounds like a nightmare!!! He is so wonderful though, supportive of me, kind, funny etc and this is the only problem I have with our relationship!

DP and I both work, however he works reeeally long hours leaving at about 8.30 and not usually getting home until 10pm-12miidnight (and sometimes after). He also sometimes has to work through the weekend but not always. My hours are much more normal so I tend to have evenings available. Therefore I obviously do end up with the lion's share of housework / household chores which, on balance, I think is fair enough since I have more time.

When tackling a household chore at the weekend when he is there, I have found myself thinking "it will be easier / quicker to do this myself" but then I feel like I will start doing everything and basically become my MIL. (please no).

When we have discussed this my DP is open and agrees he should contribute fairly and is always very sorry he hasn't been proactive about it. DP says he wants to be reminded but I have said I'm not sure I should have to - not sure if this is realistic. DP's other suggestion is that because he is time poor he would be happy to pay a cleaner to do his share so I do less. (DP earns considerably more than me so could afford it - very lucky I know).

I don't know how I feel about all of this. He is genuinely not a lazy bastard, he works really hard for us both and is super supportive in every other way. Sometimes I watch him when he's doing some task I've asked him to help with, like changing the bedsheets or making a sandwich, and it's clear he really has no clue what he is doing!! If I didn't have to be on the receiving end I would find it hilarious, watching him fumble around bless him. E.g. When I asked him to cook some pasta he put the saucepan on the hob with no water!! Lol! I just assumed he would know how, this but it is tragic!

Again, I don't mean to paint him out the wrong way - he is in fact highly intelligent and in a very responsible job! Lol.

I have a feeling this must be a fairly common issue with men who have been raised in this way. What can I do or how should we both handle this as we embark on married life? Does anyone else have experience of being with a man raised in this way?

Don't even start me on how we will cope if and when babies come along. I am fully aware of how much we will need to support one another so we stay together, and don't crumble under the lack of sleep and hellish hard work of a baby. I guess I am trying to work out how we can move forward to pave the way for this as well.

Any advice from those with a similar experience gratefully received. X

JammyDodger99
I only suggested the bins as it's a job that I personally don't like doing.
And because it's a pretty foolproof job for him to start with.
Stereotypes I find amusing, I don't see many women rushing to be Refuse Collectors, lugging those bins along the pavement. I bet there's not many working in Sewage plants either but someone has to do these shit jobs 😉

A willingness is the first step. If he wasn't willing then you'd have a really big problem.

He recognises his DM is ancient in her views. He doesnt want your kids to be the same...he'll get there.

We are products of our upbringing....if he never did any of this growing up then he will struggle a bit. Although most people know how to make a cup of tea.

My brother didn't cook much at home growing up. My DM didn't think he needed to...or that it was less important for him than us girls. More of a cultural thing in her case really.

He used to eat cereal and never cooked ..but he taught himself in the end. He's a better cook than both his wife and Ex wife.

OP .... don't give up and let him off the hook.

The Moonpig thing...that's not everyone's cup of tea. Is he not that techy?

My dh was raised the same and learnt very quickly! He can say he doesn't know how, tell to look at you tube.

Unless he is actively changing himself you have a dead weight, and the weight will increase if you have children and trust me this will age and tire you beyond anything you can imagine lugging all of them through life.

"I only suggested the bins as it's a job that I personally don't like doing.
And because it's a pretty foolproof job for him to start with."

Yeah, because hoovering or cleaning the bath are so incredibly didfficult.

Your DP isn't a feminist OP.

MillicentF what s your problem with him having certain jobs and as he can't cook, learning to make one meal.
OP was asking for advice I thought on how to train someone who has no
household skills.

She has go to start somewhere.
How is it upsetting your feminism for her to start here.

My DH is similar but not quite as bad.

I picked my battles.

Firstly - neither of us really wanted to do the cleaning. On a shared budget (not his money, my money) we can afford a cleaner so we have one.

I attempted to teach him how to cook but it became clear life was too short. Plus actually I like cooking mostly so I gave up.

Instead he makes breakfasts and packed lunches every day. He does the dishwasher and the bins. I never have to wash up and this makes me very happy - also I never have to ask him to do it. It's a combination of leaving him to it and minimal supervision to stop him wrecking things but not so he thinks I must hold his hand the whole time.

From there we slowly progressed to lawnmowing. And so on.

However the time I left him to prune trees without instruction, he killed my trees

MillicentF ok then, she could teach him how to vacuum properly then as one of his jobs.
What is your problem?

Careful AnnaMagnani he does the dishwasher and the bins.
How very sexist! 😂😂😂😂
You'll have MillicentF fuming! 😂

Don't give up, it happens.
Start with written instructions for basic stuff.
Think carefully what do you want him to learn. He doesn't need to cook chicken curry ( however nice) just very simple things, be patient and realistic.
He needs to learn main principle about reading instructions for bread maker, washing machine, what written on spray bottle, pasta bag, etc Anything else I just google: how to....
I would aim to make him able to function with everyday stuff but nothing complicated. He could be much better than you doing homework with kids, you never know, it's ok when you are good at different stuff.
Also earning money is a useful skill as well. It's great as he can do this and pay to a cleaner and for take aways.

"MillicentF ok then, she could teach him how to vacuum properly then as one of his jobs.
What is your problem?"

My problem is that a functioning adult does not need to be taught this stuff. Floor with fluff on it. Apply Hoover. Done.

Stereotypes I find amusing, I don't see many women rushing to be Refuse Collectors, lugging those bins along the pavement. I bet there's not many working in Sewage plants either but someone has to do these shit jobs

Lol, this would only be remotely relevant to this thread if

A) there weren’t plenty of other shitty grim jobs (carer, prostitute) that are mainly done by women;
B) refuse collection and sewage work was unpaid
C) those men undertaking it only did so under sufferance because women flapped about helplessly, did it really badly like maybe once or something, then declared themselves ‘unable to see bins’ and gave up

When I first got with my DH he was just as bad (mummy had spoilt him only child).
Funny story which hopefully make you all laugh otherwise you'd cry. The morning after we got married (we didn't live together before) we were going on a quick honeymoon I asked him to put the kettle on and make us a quick cup of tea which he did. He left it on the side it was full of tealeaves. I asked did the teabag spilt he said no he cut it in half as there was only one bag to make 2 drinks with. He's never lived that down.

ridiculous. what you are doing is just as bad. he works out what task needs to be done and then he works out how to do it. you being the household manager, delegator and trainer is work to. he's being pathetic and you are letting him be.

Bit pathetic to still be blaming his mother he's a grown up hairy arsed man it's not hard. He just sees it as your job.

Dump him and marry a German. Dh has big job and outearns me by some measure, but is a demon with the washing, the ultimate door checker and makes lists before we go on holiday of what WE i.e. Both of us need to do. Bliss. I couldn't have sex with a man child.

Thanks greenlynx. Obviously by highlighting this issue on here I have omitted all his great qualities you are right.

Gouldengirl oh no, that's bad, haha! You are right, if we don't laugh we cry. I hope things got better after that!

MerryDeath and KERALA with respect, you have clearly posted without reading the thread

Anybody with half a brain can do housework. If your DH can hold down a high stress well paid job he can change a bed or make a simple meal. However he works long hours so during the week I would take up the slack for him or get a cleaner and then share the tasks out at the weekend. He may be slower, my DH takes forever to iron a shirt, but resist the urge to step in and take over. If he is willing he should get better.

I am sorry but suggestions to call off the marriage are just ridiculous. My DH doesn't see jobs which need doing either but is willing to do them if I ask him. Equally I don't always spot when diy is called for, cue noisy toilet flushing the other day means the ballcock needs replacing and he does it before these things break down altogether. We all have our own skill sets and no one is perfect. Getting some support from him around the house and working less hours might be best before you have kids though unless you want to end up doing everything. Not easy with babies who don't sleep if you have an absent or useless DH.

Your MIL is an idiot to raise such useless men. Equally though your DH should have taken the time to learn but he is not the first man in the world to let women run round after him. Don't perpetuate this in your marriage but be prepared for the sort of comments my DM gives me when I am not around and she queries how my DH will cope with getting his own dinner . My response is he is a grown man and perfectly capable of cooking his own.

The oldest trick in the book that men pull is that they are incompetent domestically, and have to be 'reminded' all the time of how and when to do stuff. Then of course you will always be better than him at these tasks, giving the perfect excuse to dive out. You need to get a bit tougher with him OP - if he is so intelligent, why would he put an empty pan on a hot hob? I can almost hear the, "You are so much better at it than me" line. Tell him to grow up and take responsibility for some areas of tasks around the house, not just 'helping' you.

If he wanted to learn he would learn. He is prioritising his job.

Stop doing stuff for him. Do you own laundry, cooking etc.

Does he understand the concepts of adulthood, equality and the “mental load”?

I would agree with other PPs about applying your standards too, my DH isn't blind he can see the floor, but he thinks hoovering once a week is more than enough even if we have guests the day before it would usually be done by the cleaner. He isn't bothered by a bit of fluff on the carpet and he's probably right when he says guests come to see us not the rugs, but I feel better if it's done, that's on me, so I'll hoover while he makes sure there's wine in the fridge, table laid etc. Also I don't give a crap about stereotypes, DH usually takes out our bins shock horror! This is because I work away a lot and am regularly not there on bin day.

It’s easy to do well at work when you work all the hours you wish (leaving no time for relationships) and someone else does all the domestic work for you.

“Facilitated” for his whole life!

OfficerVanHalen I should have said stereotypes in general, I find amusing.
You are so right that there are indeed jobs that are mainly carried out by women: caring and prostitutes.
But as I said there are also jobs mainly carried out by men. Usually the heavier and dirtier type jobs.
I don't find anything wrong with this, it doesn't upset my feminism, I'm not exactly wanting to empty bins or mess with sewage or dig up roads, as I'm sure most women are not.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but come on how many times did you need to be told or shown how to make a cup of tea or make some pasta? I'd say one or even none and you just did it one day. Isn't he ashamed enough to do a little bit of reading on the internet? Many things have instructions on the side of the packaging FFS! If NT he's choosing to remain this way.
Go ahead and get a cleaner but draw up a rota for the weekends as well. He could learn something new twice a week (it'd only be about 30 minutes at a time on Sat&Sun so won't be too taxing for him ha!) and by the end of the year he might be a fully functioning adult!
Start with tea and toast so you can have breakfast in bed day 1
Also set him a target like making you a special meal for your Birthday
Point out he needs to know this stuff so he can help teach any DC in future and if he "forgets" how to do things make sure he takes notes so he can't forget again.

Personally I would do the opposite of teaching him step by step how to wash a plate and empty a bin. That’s just a shit load More of frustrating work for you. I’d stop doing everything that wasn’t solely for you. I’d take a mug, glass, knife, fork, spoon, plate, bowl and keep them in a separate box somewhere and use those for my own meals. I would just cook for myself. Do my own laundry. I would stop hoovering, emptying bins, cleaning the toilet etc. Let him feel the natural consequences of all the residents choosing to do as little as he does. See how keen he is to learn how to empty a bin when it’s spilling onto the kitchen floor.