to worry I have no choice but to become my MIL around the house

[JammyDodger99]

I will preface this by saying my DP is absolutely wonderful and I love him dearly. We are engaged to be married this year and have been living together under a year.

Again, to preface - our relationship is strong and healthy, and we never fight- our communication is good and if we ever disagree we are good at working things through by talking calmly.

So to the problem... That said, he is pretty hopeless at "practical" tasks including housework and DIY. My MIL raised him in a totally sexist environment where the boys were totally cooked and catered for and the girls looked after the house. She never expected the boys to lift a finger for anything and cleaned up all around them.. (I still see this in evidence when we visit her where her other DS are still at home). Thankfully, DP is intelligent and enlightened and realises this was completely ridiculous (and that we will not raise any future DC in this way)! He doesn't want to perpetuate this inequality in our household or with future DCs and would describe himself as a feminist.

However, his upbringing has left him without skills in this area, and I have had to teach him the very basics, including how to make a cup of tea! Before we met he lived in a rather stereotypical shared house with a load of guys who relied on Deliveroo for everything so he didn't pick up many household skills (FFS).

He is not great at doing things because he doesn't notice when they need doing e.g. doesn't automatically think about the laundry or cleaning the surfaces, and his expectations are generally lower than mine as well e.g. he would be okay about leaving a dirty plate on the side which I wouldn't. I don't want to make excuses but I genuinely don't think he notices half the time.

To his credit, whenever I ask him he immediately helps out, but it doesn't come naturally, and so I worry I will become a nag after years of this. He also needs guidance and can't cook a meal from scratch or even do the laundry without repeated instruction! FFS I know this sounds like a nightmare!!! He is so wonderful though, supportive of me, kind, funny etc and this is the only problem I have with our relationship!

DP and I both work, however he works reeeally long hours leaving at about 8.30 and not usually getting home until 10pm-12miidnight (and sometimes after). He also sometimes has to work through the weekend but not always. My hours are much more normal so I tend to have evenings available. Therefore I obviously do end up with the lion's share of housework / household chores which, on balance, I think is fair enough since I have more time.

When tackling a household chore at the weekend when he is there, I have found myself thinking "it will be easier / quicker to do this myself" but then I feel like I will start doing everything and basically become my MIL. (please no).

When we have discussed this my DP is open and agrees he should contribute fairly and is always very sorry he hasn't been proactive about it. DP says he wants to be reminded but I have said I'm not sure I should have to - not sure if this is realistic. DP's other suggestion is that because he is time poor he would be happy to pay a cleaner to do his share so I do less. (DP earns considerably more than me so could afford it - very lucky I know).

I don't know how I feel about all of this. He is genuinely not a lazy bastard, he works really hard for us both and is super supportive in every other way. Sometimes I watch him when he's doing some task I've asked him to help with, like changing the bedsheets or making a sandwich, and it's clear he really has no clue what he is doing!! If I didn't have to be on the receiving end I would find it hilarious, watching him fumble around bless him. E.g. When I asked him to cook some pasta he put the saucepan on the hob with no water!! Lol! I just assumed he would know how, this but it is tragic!

Again, I don't mean to paint him out the wrong way - he is in fact highly intelligent and in a very responsible job! Lol.

I have a feeling this must be a fairly common issue with men who have been raised in this way. What can I do or how should we both handle this as we embark on married life? Does anyone else have experience of being with a man raised in this way?

Don't even start me on how we will cope if and when babies come along. I am fully aware of how much we will need to support one another so we stay together, and don't crumble under the lack of sleep and hellish hard work of a baby. I guess I am trying to work out how we can move forward to pave the way for this as well.

Any advice from those with a similar experience gratefully received. X

I was the dh in this scenario.

I learned to look after the house because my husband is not my skivvy and I respect him, also I didn't have a woman to blame for being crap at cleaning.

Ps he has a father, his father let him down

Housework isn't rocket science.

Since he claims to be unable to figure it out (doubt that myself but let's give him the benefit of the doubt) tell him you will give him 1 months free training in how to be an adult. During that time, actually explain to him what needs to be done and how to do it. Don't presume he knows - be very basic. Having to do this may take its toll on your sex life. personally I would struggle to feel attracted to someone I had to say "take the dirty underwear off and put it in the basket. On Mondays put the clothes in the basket in the washing machine, turn to normal wash and add detergent. Wait 2 hours and then hang up the clothes like so". But it is only for a month and you may get back on track after that.

At the end of the month simply stop. If in a month's time he is back to helpless self, don't marry him. If he manages like a normal adult, go right ahead.

Who researched and booked your holiday?
Do you remind him about his mum's birthday?
Do you pick out presents for him to give to his family?

This is all wifework that seems sweet at the beginning of a relationship but gets very old very quickly.

theeyeofthestormchaser yes I agree with that pp's advice, except the 50:50 is probably unreadable given the difference in our work hours, However 50:50 at weekends.

I don't kno tbh. I think (rather disgustingly) he never changed the sheets. Due to his job long hours etc (works in the city) they get dinner paid for at work and he skips breakfast. Unbelievable I know, that someone can have got by avoiding to make meals at home but he has due to his lifestyle.

I think cleaner could work in the long run but agree with pp's about ensuring he learns stuff before we become reliant on another woman cleaning...

I bet if he was offered a higher paid job with more responsibility he'd learn to do it.

Too stupid to dunk a tea bag though....sure

The cleaner is a red herring. It only gets rid of some jobs. The rest of the drudge of living still exists. A cleaner won't remember to replace the loo roll every day. A cleaner won't put away the empty pizza box. A cleaner won't notice the laundry basket is full. A cleaner won't change th baby's nappy. A cleaner won't put her cup in the dishwasher rather than leaving it on the table. A cleaner won't pick up milk on the way home because she noticed it is out. A cleaner won't come home and say "i think we have pesto in the fridge still so I'll throw on some pasta for us"

It is the lack of those things that will ruin your marriage.

I simply cannot believe that an adult is like this.

My DP never sees things round the house that just need done, but if I ask him to do something he actually does a better job than me. He didn’t live in squalor when he lived alone, but his idea of “clean” and “regular” and mine are just a bit different. Having to ask him to do stuff is annoying, but not as annoying than having to do it all myself. (In fairness, he does do most of the cooking though.)

Stop blaming his mother.

Get this sorted NOW. If you can’t, do not get married. NOTHING else makes up for an incompetent twat when you’re knee deep in nappies and he can’t boil an egg or ‘doesn’t see’ the floor needs mopping and some washing needs doing.

This. With bells on.

Of course,it's always the woman's fault (i.e. his mother). Never anything to do with him.

I grew up in a household where we just weren't expected to do chores and got tidied up after (), I then fell pregnant at 18 and moved out with DP who had also done very little at home. We just had to learn from scratch via trial and error. No one bullet pointed how to do laundy or cook basic meals we just read manuals and googled recipes etc.

I think you become his mother by even telling him how as surely even with living with a group of males they must have tidied/made beds/washed clothes a a very minimum it sounds like he isn't making any effort to learn. Most of the household tasks really aren't that hard.

I simply cannot believe that an adult is like this.

I once met a man (medical doctor actually) who did not know how to make a cup of instant coffee. Started putting the coffee into cold water.

"I only drink tea" was his explanation.

with the intention of fully sharing by the time we are married (just need to find the time to sit down together and sort out).

FIND THE TIME! FIND THE TIME NOW...
Do not marry him without having agreed your financial situation.

All these men who don't 'see' things. I bet their cars are immaculate and I bet if they go off on a boys/golfing/whatever holiday they make sure all their clothes are clean and they've organised all the taxi's/booked t times etc.

Men don't see it because they think they don't have to and/or eventually someone else will pick up after them.

I don't understand how someone can be described as intelligent but he is unable to read the instructions on a packet of pasta

@lostlemon I think you're right. It is so fucking depressing.

If he is genuinely open and realises his lack of practical skills is embarrassing, he needs your help to learn. Please don't fall into the 'it's quicker to do everything myself' trap.

before we become reliant on another woman cleaning...

not to hijack but everyday sexism....cleaners can be men too you know.

I do think could be really valuable for you to - which I think you already are - examine your own internalised gender stereotypes.

And tbh I think getting a male cleaner would be a VERY good thing in the circumstances....

With the 'not noticing' you need to be careful that you're not confusing different cleanliness standards with inability to do something.

Its something that was a HUGE bone of contention in my marriage because I didn't see the problem in leaving the dirty plates by the sink during the day to wash up later, and my ExH was a 'wash every plate' kind of person and used to get shitty with me for being 'messy' and constantly berate and verbally abuse me for it.

That's something you really need to decide if its a hill you want to die on and discuss between you, because its a perpetual argument you will NEVER settle on because either you have to relax your standards or he has to change to please you.

ExH and I NEVER met in the middle and was a huge reason I left him as I was sick of him telling me how to keep my house because it didn't please him.

MillicentF yes I understand your point. He is in fact useless at practical stuff - e.g failed his driving test numerous times, always dropping things, can't work his phone, falls over etc so I have wondered if things are exacerbated by a lack of practical thinking - e.g. not thinking pasta things was bloody obvious. I am NOT making excuses as I agree he needs to adult up. But it could also be a factor.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea I did start to worry I might start doing all of those things if I wasn't careful - e.g. birthday presents etc. the other day his Mum reminded him to send a card to his DB. He was stuck how to do it at which point I did actually point him in the direction of Moonpig. He ordered the card but at various points would be looking to give up! I had to encourage him to finish! Ridiculous I know. I realise now that I should have done this approach the very first time he didn't know how to do other stuff like laundry etc. The card thing was the first time on of those type of "jobs" (e.g. being like a PA) has come up so far since living together, and I realised I wanted to start as I meant to go on in that respect. I hope it isn't too late in terms of the cooking and cleaning.

People are harsh eh.

Some good ideas here...like cooking classes. He can practice with bedsheets...that's not a job anyone loves...but practice makes perfect.

He's willing and that goes a long way.

Housework isn't rocket science.

Agreed. If it was, they wouldn’t let women do it

Ooh I've also found YouTube has tutorials for everything, I tell DH to Google it if I'm busy and be doesn't know how to do something (usually cooking, he's fairly competent at housework these days to a basic standard at least) . I also managed to replace some light switches using YouTube tutorials and fixed a sensor issue on my car!

SandyY2K Thanks. Yes at least he is willing.