To want to come out?

[Sosososcandalous]

NC in case outing but have been here for a couple of months!

I have been feeling recently that I would like to come out, but I don't know if I am being unreasonable in this.

I am a bisexual woman. I've 'known' since I was about 20 (but had a good few years before that thinking that it was totally not an for straight girls to fantasise about other women sometimes... ).

Had a couple of relationships with girls at uni, was out to my uni pals as bi, but never told anyone in my family. I don't really know why, but the thought gives me huge anxiety. My parents aren't at all homophobic but they are 'sheltered' - they don't know any gay people and although I haven't ever heard them express prejudice, I don't think it would occur to them in a million years that I might be Bi. I'm probably very unreasonable anxious about their reaction, but I just feel like they have a view of who I am that would change if they knew, and I don't know if I am ready for that.

Also, some of my husband's family are homophobic (not his parents but cousins / aunt and uncle) and it could lead to awkwardness at family occasions if they knew (although maybe they wouldn't need to be told?)

I am now married to a man (he does know and has never raised an eyebrow about it) and have a very happy and settled life. But I feel like this large part of my identity isn't known by many of the people I care about most. And I feel like it's cowardly for me to keep it secret.

Would I be unreasonable to potentially change my family dynamic by coming out when for all practical purposes it's irrelevant now anyway because I'm married? Or am I unreasonable to be so worried when my lovely parents would probably be fine anyway? I feel like I've escaped the horror of homophobic abuse because where I might encounter it I've 'passed' in a way that isn't possible for a lot of gay and bi women. I don't want to minimise how awful that would be, or just assume it wouldn't now affect me.

Sorry for such a ramble. I'm just so confused about it and I don't know what to do.

the biphobic part is ruling out bisexual woman as a group purely because they are bisexual

Nope it's not. Attaching a "phobic" label to someone defining their sexuality is part of a system of pressure and shame put on people (almost always women) to disregard their own boundaries in favour of including or validating someone else by giving them access to their body. If a woman (and I say woman because I don't see men being asked to include fat, old, disabled or anything else women as sexual partners) wants to exclude partners based on any reason whatsoever (even reasons that might make us uncomfortable like race or disability) that is outside the bounds of comment or judgement by other people for the sake of prioritising women's sexual autonomy.

Women's bodies are not the battleground for inclusivity. Every single boundary placed by a woman on her sexuality is completely valid, even if you don't like it. Any position that requires women to consider people they don't want to consider is anti-woman.

My step dad told me he was bisexual a few weeks ago. I didn’t need to know, all I need to know is that he is treating my mum well, why do I need to know what he got up too before he met her?

@DougFargo sorry but you just aren't the authority on what this aspect of my identity means to me.

Also, I agree with Juells not everyone has shades of bisexuality.

Also I know that this won’t be popular but I’m going to say it anyway.

Bisexuality means you are attracted to both sexes and because there are only two sexes that covers people from either pool so literally everyone. (Obviously you won’t be attracted to everyone but your potential partners can come from either of the two sexes).
So as the word bisexual literally excludes no one there is no need to make up another orientation of ‘pansexual’, you can call yourself what you like of course but it’s a bit redundant as there is already a word for it.

There are very rare cases of intersex people but they aren’t a third sex they still fit within the two sexes, and trans people still also fit as they are still covered by the two sexes.

It’s really homophobic to change it from a sexual orientation to a gender one.

@FloraFox I agree with so much of what you say, so I don't want to have a fight over the nuances that we disagree on. Let me just reiterate that I firmly believe that no woman should, for any reason at all, have her absolute right to choose who she wants to sleep with compromised.

I'm trying to find a way to explain bisexual erasure and it's really difficult. With membership of most oppressed groups it's pretty easy to tell (i.e. being black or an out lesbian.) When your bisexual and nobody know you won't be directly affected by discrimination but you will have picked up on many homophobic messages from a wider society. You will internalise these messages so in this sense you are affected by the negative messages which causes damage to your phyche.

Would you tell a jew to keep quiet about it and just challenge anti-Semitism as it occurred? Why should this be any different? Why wouldn't you tell someone "actually I'm Jewish and that's offensive!"

I'm not suggesting that bi-phobia is as bad as lesbophobia but I don't think it's fair to say OP is attention seeking. That's actually the sort of lazy assumption that could easily be misconstrued as bi-phobia.

So many of these comments make a lot of assumptions about OP's motivations. I know from my own experience, coming out to my mother allowed for frank conversations. Not sex about sex just speaking honestly about things in my past and in wider society.

I get the feeling that some people would like me to STFU about these things. Maybe I should but I'm not the one with the filthy mind - that's in the ear of the beholder.

Hmm yes I don't really see the need for coming out in your situation - as in announcing to everyone en masse that you consider yourself bisexual.

But I also don't see why you should hide or deny your life experiences and values, in relevant situations. Why would it be difficult to sign petitions or talk about bisexual erasure? If people wonder if you think you're bisexual, that's fine surely? If it comes up in conversation, you can mention that you've had relationships with women if it feels comfortable? No reason not to?

I hope you find some resolution to this if it's on your mind.

DJLippy really well said

LGBT Switchboard I meant! They'll have had plenty of experience of hearing about your situation. I would ignore the commentators saying that coming out is only for single people, 'oppressed' gays or that it's attention seeking! If being open about your identity is important to you then it's important, full stop.

but you will have picked up on many homophobic messages from a wider society. You will internalise these messages so in this sense you are affected by the negative messages which causes damage to your phyche.

But I could say this as someone who was brought up by parents in a homosexual relationship, it’s moulded my identity in a really profound way. I have suffered homophobia and was isolated at school because of it, but also I was part of the lgbt community and had a second family of amazing people.

I will bring it up if the circumstances are right and I will pull someone being homophobic but as someone who now benefits from living in a heterosexual relationship it would be super weird if I was claim any ownership of homophobia.

People not understanding you is not oppression.

It's not phobic anything for another person to define their own sexuality. If that means they only want to have sex with lesbians, that's up to them.

You're missing the point. You've called me ridiculous. My experience is not ridiculous, though. Who are you to decide that?

Of course it is up to anyone who they have sex with or who they have a relationship with. Again, you haven't grasped the point here. I will defend anyone's right to choice over their sexual partners.

The women who dismissed me for being bisexual didn't do it in a neutral, 'no hard feelings' way. They did it with an eye roll or a sneer, making it clear exactly what they thought of bisexual women.

Yes it's entirely their choice and I'm not remotely interested in sleeping with somebody who thinks so little of me - but don't pretend that some lesbians don't try to invalidate bisexual women. Anyone who's been part of the scene for enough time to mix with a range of people would agree.

I haven't read the full thread so apologies if this has already been said.

Have you discussed with DH about how he would feel if you came out?

I agree with the others who have said why now? What's the point? Attention seeking drama queen as someone said. Totally irrelevant to your family who you shagged before you got married. You are married to a man so presumable you have decided you aren't going to engage in lesbian relationships anymore. To be honest I really don't get the big deal about sexuality. I don't give a shit what anyone else does sexually as long as it's consensual and not hurting anyone else in any way.

I don’t think you’d be selfish or attention seeking to come out in this situation. You are entitled to experience any sexuality and don’t need to protect anyone else from it. The question of whether to come out or not is yours to decide. You say your husband already knows and is fine with being married to someone who identifies as bisexual. So what has it to do with anyone else?

absent

No it’s still you missing the point.

Even if they did it with an eye roll and a sneer, that’s fine. They are allowed to not sleep with bisexual people.
It’s not the job of lesbians to ‘validate’ you.

Absent you've made a decision that a woman who only wants to have relationships or sex with lesbians is biphobic and you've come onto a public board to say so. I've made a decision that calling her phobic for doing that is ridiculous.

Lesbians are not obliged to validate your bisexuality. Calling them names (biphobic) is not accepting their right to choose their sexual partners.

No, they don't have to 'validate' me, and they certainly don't have to sleep with me, as I already stated and was quite clear about.

However it's biphobic to insinuate or say outright (depending on how blunt the speaker) that I'm not valid for a relationship with another woman, because I belong to a particular class - bisexual women.

Would like to point out I don't even identify as bisexual, as it doesn't feel like a good fit for me But it's the easiest label to use as shorthand for this purpose.

It’s a sad reflection of our society’s undercurrent of misogyny that a woman wishing to openly express her sexuality is called an attention seeking drama queen....and by other women too. Shocking and frightening

So someone said that no woman would ever want to date you because your bisexual?
Or did they say that they didn’t want to date you because your bisexual

Because the first one is ridiculous because of course they would otherwise no bisexual people would ever have homosexual relationships.

And the second one is a totally valid thing to say.

Teacuphiccup

Oppression is twofold. There is day to day oppression and the internalised hatred we pick up from living in a broader culture where we are despised/erased. That's internalised 'homophobia' which every bisexual person will have experienced to some extent, even if this is not consciously acknowledged.

I'm not playing the oppression olympics here I'm just speaking personally about how I have experienced my own sexuality. Lesbian and bisexual experience is not the same thing, I never claimed that it was. Your experience is unique. I imagine that having a gay mother when the world is giving you all these subliminal messages about how awful homosexuality is also damaging to the psyche - in a unique way that I could not experience. These are all different but they're all still valid.

"you've made a decision that a woman who only wants to have relationships or sex with lesbians is biphobic and you've come onto a public board to say so. I've made a decision that calling her phobic for doing that is ridiculous."

No, I haven't.

There is a difference in respecting somebody's choice not to sleep with bisexual women, and somebody saying that bisexual women are not relationship material, are prone to cheat, just can't make up their minds, are promiscuous, etc.

There is a certain slice of society who think all these things about bisexual women, and it is biphobic. I have run into it most in lesbians.

I am straight - 100%

I'll never forget a lesbian 'friend' coming on to me, many many years ago. Both of us drunk. That 'move' ended our friendship forever, she had overstepped the line, bigtime.

She is a LESBIAN, I am STRAIGHT.

I cared, she didn't.

I am afraid that that act coloured my view of homosexuals, whether they were male or female, for a very long time.

I honestly couldn't take a 'bi' seriously. Sorry.

@Teacuphippy my post above gives a smattering of the remarks I've had.

@GirlsBlouse17 I have, and he's said that while it's totally my choice he would be completely supportive of me being more open about it because he knows it's an important part of who I am. He certainly knows it has no bearing on the strength or security of our relationship.