Would I be AIBU if I do not allow DD to take a gap year?

[MarvellousMrsMuggle]

Semi regular user here, name changed for privacy and posting in AIBU for traffic. I am extremely unsure about a gap year for DD, hence the tentative thread title. Some context so I don't drip feed ( sorry if too long):

We live overseas and DD (18) is currently finishing her A levels. She plans to study in the UK and has a conditional offer from three RG unis ( Manchester, Birmingham and Nottingham) to study politics. She has firmed Manchester. She now wants to take a gap year.

She has had a horrendous time in the last 4 years.
(1) During her GCSE's her best friend died of cancer after a year of struggle.
(2) During her AS levels DD herself fell mysteriously ill, and we could not get a firm diagnosis. After months of buggering about, she was diagnosed with Migraine Associated Vertigo, a fairly uncommon uncondition which means she is very dizzy on and off, triggered by certain foods, and sometimes made worse by stress and irregular meals. It keeps recurring from time to time.
(3) She did very poorly in her AS levels because she had to take two months off school. Got a string of Cs and Ds.
(4) She had a gruelling year catching up, took 3 resits, pulled herself together, and got a predicted AAB. Her teachers say she might even make an AAA but we were prob too conservative with our UCAS choices which I now regret.

DD now says she wants to either do a deferred entry to Manchester next year, or take a gap year to reapply to better colleges ( Kings, Warwick) if she gets an AAA in her exams. Her reasons: the migraine keeps recurring and she does not feel a 100% fit. She is wary of being so far away from us in an unfamiliar city , learning how to cook and manage house etc while being ill on and off. She also says she's very tired and worn out. During her gap year she plans to be at home- not travel- and do an internship/ an economics course/ learn a language.

My concern is that she may be tired now given the gruelling last two years, but may well regret it when she sees all her friends going off to uni.The migraine is a life long condition so it's not going to go away by next year anyway. I am also not sure if a better uni is worth it given Manchester is a respected uni. She will be 19.5 by the time she enters uni.

Eventually, it will be her decision, but I am just trying to help her make a good one.

Any advice much appreciated.

Her teachers say she might even make an AAA but we were prob too conservative with our UCAS choices which I now regret

Try this one again: SHE was prob too conservative with HER UCAS choices.

Then apply same to the gap year.

She is an adult. She is going to do a great many things that you wouldn't do.

Bloody he'll what an awful time she is having.

I can only say I was knackered by the end of a-levels and a total break in studying was essential to me. I got a series of boring jobs which initially were a huge relief and then quickly taught me why I was going to university! I also spent 3 months learning a language and living away from home, which meant that going away to university was not in itself stressful - a good thing, because the demands of my course were huge.

I think she has good reasons and a gap year maKes sense for her, so, gently, YABU.

It’s not up to you, she’s 18 let her make this decision. She may wind up regretting it but that’s a mistake she will have to live with. I can only see benefits for her taking a year out.

I think you should let her take a gap year if she wants to.

Starting university after unbroken years of stress would be awful.

A year to mature, and get herself together could only do her good.

You are not classed as a mature student until 21, there will be loads of people her age and older starting with her, and it won't affect her prospects negatively at all.

Your post gives a lot of identifying detaila, potentially compromising her privacy.

She should decide, after she gets her results.

Wouldn’t recommend London for university, it’s very costly and a totally different experience to most other UK cities.

I'd say let her go with the gap year if she's sure about it, she might miss her friends but uni will be a perfect time to make new ones. If she gets the better grades she can potentially get more choice of unis and courses, and it sounds like she's had a hell of a time, worked really hard through it and could do with a rest before the 3 year slog of uni. Better to rest now than burn out after the first year tbh.

And you say migraine is life long, that's true to a certain extent but it can ebb and flow with age and life changes, mine was horrendous when I was around that she and eased and became much more manageable as I grew up. Unfortunately it's cycled back around a bit but it's not something that will be exactly the same year on year, she might find a restful year makes it easier to manage for the following 3 or 4 of uni.

She doesn’t feel ready for uni. I would let her have a year to get her health sorted. Also considering she had health issues, C and D grades are actually pretty decent. Don’t write off C’s as “very poor”

Actually I think that her reasons and plans for the year sound really sensible. She could spend the year recuperating (mentally as well as physically) and preparing for uni (learning to cook etc). And if she gets an internship then that will be valuable when she’s looking for a job after uni. It’s a risk and you can’t be sure how it will work out, but in your shoes I would support her.

Sounds totally sensible to have a year out, if nothing else to recuperate mentally and physically and learn some life skills like cooking that will help her through Uni.

YABU for your thread title. “Allow her”?!! She’s an adult! You also can’t “regret” her UCAS choices, only she can do that.

Her reasons for taking a gap year sound very sensible to me, and I think you need to back off a bit judging by the language you are using when talking about your adult daughter’s life.

Sounds like she deserves/needs a gap year after all she's been through. Can't she just rest and relax on that year. Doing internships and language courses isn't a rest, it's still work! Please let her just rest and be. Poor girl, I feel sorry for her.

Please, please let the apron strings go. Any choices are HER choices, not yours.
I have a dd who is currently on her gap year. Today we are going to look at accomodation for the university that she is going to in October. My dad has used her gap year wisely with focus on the end goal , bit even if she had spent the year sleeping and playing candy crush it would've been HER DECISION, not mine.

YABU for even thinking this is something you can "let" her do.
She's an adult. By her age I'd already lived alone for 2 years.
Leave off. Seriously, if you shove her into this and she fails and ends up dropping out because she can't hack it, she's going to blame you.

YABU.

She's 18, she can do what she wants. It not for you to LET her.

You sound very controlling in your approach. She's achieved a lot despite some challenges and sounds sensible.

I'd support her gap year. If she wants to apply to different universities in due course that's up to HER not YOU.

I took a gap year and started uni at 19....best decision I ever made. she sounds so sensible re finding an internship / learning a language. It will give her some life skills that she can apply at uni

Do you want rid of her or something? Did you go to uni? Do you not remember how stressful and full on it is? What's wrong with her taking time to prioritise her health and maybe get a pt job?

Bloody hell that poor young woman.

She sounds like an ambitious, sensible, smart young woman. I don't think you need to worry too much about the choices she makes, but they are her choices now, not yours - she's an adult. You can't 'let' her take a gap year because it is her decision. FWIW, I think it sounds like a very sensible idea.

Let her take a gap year. I got into Manchester first time round but didn't want to go so took a gap year and applied again, went to Durham second time :) I was just about to turn 20 when I started and it made zero difference, several people had taken gap years and one year doesn't matter anyway.

Uni is intense and exhausting and given everything she has gone through and her health I think a gap year is very wise.

She sounds like a sensible woman, have faith in her. Don’t force her to go to uni, let her spend a year gathering her strength - boredom can be very motivating. Also, my mother has the same migraines/vertigo. She avoids chocolate, red wine, cheese which has really helped.

MrsMuggle I’d suggest you pop in to this Y13 parents thread. There is lots of support there and many people who are parents of DC with less than straight forward choices to make. Y13 chat this way

You sound controlling.

It's not up you whether she takes a gap year.

I any case your DD sounds the more sensible of the two of you.
You are worried she will be the grand old age of 19 when she starts University.
Positively geriatric.

Kids who do best at University are the ones who are motivated to go. For that reason alone I would suggest she waits. ( My DS had a gap year- first half was working locally while staying at home, second half was travelling and working abroad.

A word of warning- if you push against your DDs wishes it could go horribly wrong.
She may start University, be miserable and flunk exams, leaving her ditching her course and coming home.
That would mean she is deflated, confidence knocked, leaving you out of pocket and in a worse situation than you are now.

Support your DD , but don't push her.

Your title asks about allowing dd to take a gap year. Then you say its her decision. Its not up to you to allow her to do anything. Its her decision. Support her in doing what she thinks is best for herself.

Her teachers say she might even make an AAA but we were prob too conservative with our UCAS choices which I now regret

I picked this up too.

BACK OFF.

This is her life and by the sounds of it she needs a rest, to learn to cope with her health.

I will repeat it is her life.

The migraine is a life long condition so it's not going to go away by next year anyway.

And she needs time to adjust to this, to find out what triggers and what doesn't. You also mentioned her learning to cook and that irregular eating/foods can set it off, she needs to learn exactly what she can and can't do.

It sounds like she is incredibly sensible and mature young woman, you sound like a teenager.

I feel for you. I would be worried too!

Looking at the facts that you've presented though, the main risks of doing a gap year are only possible disappointments and do not seem to outweigh the here and now reasons to take the year off.

I think your daughter is making a sensible decision based on what she feels she can cope with. If she goes on to feel disappointed and regretful when she sees friends going off to uni, that's a very manageable feeling and she'll know it's the consequence of the decision she made. The possibility of those disappointed feelings doesn't seem a big deal at all to me, not even worthy of a spot on the cons list.

I say you're being U! But also you're being a normal concerned mother.