Would I be AIBU if I do not allow DD to take a gap year?

[MarvellousMrsMuggle]

Semi regular user here, name changed for privacy and posting in AIBU for traffic. I am extremely unsure about a gap year for DD, hence the tentative thread title. Some context so I don't drip feed ( sorry if too long):

We live overseas and DD (18) is currently finishing her A levels. She plans to study in the UK and has a conditional offer from three RG unis ( Manchester, Birmingham and Nottingham) to study politics. She has firmed Manchester. She now wants to take a gap year.

She has had a horrendous time in the last 4 years.
(1) During her GCSE's her best friend died of cancer after a year of struggle.
(2) During her AS levels DD herself fell mysteriously ill, and we could not get a firm diagnosis. After months of buggering about, she was diagnosed with Migraine Associated Vertigo, a fairly uncommon uncondition which means she is very dizzy on and off, triggered by certain foods, and sometimes made worse by stress and irregular meals. It keeps recurring from time to time.
(3) She did very poorly in her AS levels because she had to take two months off school. Got a string of Cs and Ds.
(4) She had a gruelling year catching up, took 3 resits, pulled herself together, and got a predicted AAB. Her teachers say she might even make an AAA but we were prob too conservative with our UCAS choices which I now regret.

DD now says she wants to either do a deferred entry to Manchester next year, or take a gap year to reapply to better colleges ( Kings, Warwick) if she gets an AAA in her exams. Her reasons: the migraine keeps recurring and she does not feel a 100% fit. She is wary of being so far away from us in an unfamiliar city , learning how to cook and manage house etc while being ill on and off. She also says she's very tired and worn out. During her gap year she plans to be at home- not travel- and do an internship/ an economics course/ learn a language.

My concern is that she may be tired now given the gruelling last two years, but may well regret it when she sees all her friends going off to uni.The migraine is a life long condition so it's not going to go away by next year anyway. I am also not sure if a better uni is worth it given Manchester is a respected uni. She will be 19.5 by the time she enters uni.

Eventually, it will be her decision, but I am just trying to help her make a good one.

Any advice much appreciated.

As if the DD is self supporting instantly the second she turns 18, that the people paying, faciliating, accomodating and guiding her life and choices just suddenly say thats it, you're 18, you're on your own!

I can't speak for all the people who thought it should be the DD's decision, but personally, I wasn't suggesting that she should be "on her own" at 18, only that she should not be coerced into doing anything she really didn't want to do. I think it's great when kids know that their parents are available to bounce ideas around and make suggestions - so long as the kids have the final say, if they're 18 or over.

I think she should do it. She's at risk of burn out otherwise. Post uni I did a 2.5 year graduate scheme, now I can start to lead a more normal life as things are settling down - I'm 26! I had phases of burnout, so do a lot of young people. She's had a lot go on I don't think the headspace would be bad at all. It's her life and her choice.

I had a friend in school that was pushed to go to university. He didn't want to go - wasn't sure that he ever wanted to go - but everyone else in the family had been so it was expected of him.

Midway through the first year he had a total breakdown. He never made it back, and has only ever worked part time in supported roles since. That is close on to 30 years ago now.

Would the breakdown have happened anyway? It's entirely possible. But had he not had the weight of his families expectations burdening him, he may well have been able to access support sooner and before it got to the level that it did.

I strongly believe that people should make their own decisions about their own future. Should that mean that their family refuse to support them financially should they go to uni further down the line, and they therefore need to wait till they are 25, so be it.

@MarvellousMrsMuggle

De-lurking to comment on your daughters MAV diagnosis. I also suffer from this and it can be debilitating, but once you identify your triggers you can begin to manage the condition. Also, there is a rigorous vestibular rehabilitation programme that you can do through physiotherapy type exercises which when done long-term have been proven to not only alleviate symptoms, but also cure the condition in some people. I've just started my year-long programme at a renowned London NHS hospital that specialises in this and I am already noticing improvements.

Of course, your access to this therapy will depend on where you live. This is a very useful resource that explains more:
vestibular.org/migraine-associated-vertigo-mav

It may be that your daughter can take a year out to learn other skills as you mentioned but to also take control of her condition if you can access MAV rehabilitation therapies. Then when she starts uni she'll be in the best place physically and mentally to make the most of it. I wish I'd had access to this a lot sooner as it would have really improved my quality of life. I do recommend getting on top of the MAV as early as possible, as, speaking from experience, it can have far-reaching effects that will affect your daughter in the long-term.

tbf she's an adult and it should be her decision

I just don't think that because we choose to financially support our adult/teens that allows us to control what they do.
I see my parenting responsibility as extending further than 18.

As we financially support our 22 year old ds at university, I know that my role extends beyond 18, but, as we pay for everything, I do make comment at times, and if ds were to consider doing something I considered really stupid, the financial support would no longer be forthcoming. Dh doesn't work his arse off just to bankroll ds, and we have plans of our own as well, once ds is working and off our hands financially.