Would I be AIBU if I do not allow DD to take a gap year?

[MarvellousMrsMuggle]

Semi regular user here, name changed for privacy and posting in AIBU for traffic. I am extremely unsure about a gap year for DD, hence the tentative thread title. Some context so I don't drip feed ( sorry if too long):

We live overseas and DD (18) is currently finishing her A levels. She plans to study in the UK and has a conditional offer from three RG unis ( Manchester, Birmingham and Nottingham) to study politics. She has firmed Manchester. She now wants to take a gap year.

She has had a horrendous time in the last 4 years.
(1) During her GCSE's her best friend died of cancer after a year of struggle.
(2) During her AS levels DD herself fell mysteriously ill, and we could not get a firm diagnosis. After months of buggering about, she was diagnosed with Migraine Associated Vertigo, a fairly uncommon uncondition which means she is very dizzy on and off, triggered by certain foods, and sometimes made worse by stress and irregular meals. It keeps recurring from time to time.
(3) She did very poorly in her AS levels because she had to take two months off school. Got a string of Cs and Ds.
(4) She had a gruelling year catching up, took 3 resits, pulled herself together, and got a predicted AAB. Her teachers say she might even make an AAA but we were prob too conservative with our UCAS choices which I now regret.

DD now says she wants to either do a deferred entry to Manchester next year, or take a gap year to reapply to better colleges ( Kings, Warwick) if she gets an AAA in her exams. Her reasons: the migraine keeps recurring and she does not feel a 100% fit. She is wary of being so far away from us in an unfamiliar city , learning how to cook and manage house etc while being ill on and off. She also says she's very tired and worn out. During her gap year she plans to be at home- not travel- and do an internship/ an economics course/ learn a language.

My concern is that she may be tired now given the gruelling last two years, but may well regret it when she sees all her friends going off to uni.The migraine is a life long condition so it's not going to go away by next year anyway. I am also not sure if a better uni is worth it given Manchester is a respected uni. She will be 19.5 by the time she enters uni.

Eventually, it will be her decision, but I am just trying to help her make a good one.

Any advice much appreciated.

I'm sorry but in this day and age when parents are expected to support their Dc through uni it's not unreasonable that they get a say. It's not like most DC leave home at 18 and never come back again.

I was thinking this - it's certainly partly why IL and my parents were against DH and I taking one - that and worry we wouldn't get to university - we were first ones to go in our families.

TBH having read through though OP I do think a gap year may well help her and would be better than dropping out in first or early second year.

Though I would expect some of the possible plans to turn into actual plans with things firmed up - I wouldn't be keen on a year of doing nothing.

Even saving for a year with university costs being what they are could considerably reduce the debt upon graduating.

At 18 their an adult. Let them make their own decision.

All your DD's reasons sound like very good reasons.

My DD2 did a very demanding degree at Cambridge. In her final year she applied for and got a place to do a PhD at a US university, but felt so burnt out by the time she reached finals that she asked for a deferral and took a year off (she had not had a gap year when she left school). At the time I was a bit concerned but it was a good decision - she has now been in California nearly 3 years and is loving it, but she did really need that break.

So my advice is to listen to your daughter who seems to have had a very difficult time.

My dd started this year after a stressful A level year and with an ongoing medical condition. All I can say is it's been a struggle. We practically stretchered her home at Easter, she slept for three days.
It sounds like she isn't going to waste her gap year, let her do it her way.

Are you for real? She's an adult. She can, and should do what she wants, especially after such a tough few years.
I used to run the graduate scheme for a FTSE100 company. Seriously, no one gives a flying fuck about the Warwick being 'better' than Manchester. Is it? Says who? Virtually every application I saw was the same; 10 A* GCSE, 4A A levels, D of E, 1st or high 2:1 etc. The people I chose to employ, and those who did the best, were the ones who had some life experience, who were different, who hadn't just done what their parents said.

I'm struggling to align the views of posters who are saying things like "YABU to allow anything, she's an adult!" with the reality of the OP, or the parents generally these days, having to front these 18 year old adults financially.

Unless the 18 year old in question is financially independent of their parents, of course the people stumping up the cash have a say in how that money is getting spent.

I'm struggling to align the views of posters who are saying things like "YABU to allow anything, she's an adult!" with the reality of the OP, or the parents generally these days, having to front these 18 year old adults financially.

Yes, 100% this. Most posts here are utterly ignoring this.

brashcandicoot I think the point is that it is not beneficial to use the term 'allow' when it is an adult child. Of course if the OP is footing the bill then technically she can allow or not as she pleases..... the issue is whether or not that is a good idea and what effect that is going to have on her daughter. I dont think its in question whether she actually could do it or not... just whether she should!

In her situation a gap year sounds quite sensible. You don't want her arriving at uni feeling overwrought and emotionally unprepared.

I would ensure (as much as you can with an adult) that the year is productive. Some rest and a break from studying yes, but some time spent in a proper close to full time job, gaining references, earning and taking responsibility. My friend's son recently took a year out at that age because, he was quite young for his age (his mum's assessment not mine!) but worked hard and earned money then spent the summer working at a USA summer camp where he had a blast and is now in first year uni and loving it by all account. He grew up so much.

I understand where your coming from but going to uni burnt out will be a disaster.

If she's having a gap year though, what's the plan?

As pointed out she doesn't want to be stuck in a 9-5 pointless temp job getting just as drained.

I don't think it matters about the friends. Uni is all about the new set of friends

YABU. Let her have a gap year. She's had a stressful time, and forcing her into uni now when she has told you she is not ready will just make her burn out and she would probably be more likely to leave after one year if she finds it too much to cope with.

I too suffer with vertigo/hemiplegic migraines and they are debilitating. They are 100 times worse when I am tired or stressed out. Let her have her year, suggest she works part time and saves a small sum to make uni life a bit easier.

About the friends thing.
My observation of 18/19 year olds is that those who go to uni make new friends and while they stay in touch with their old friends things are never the same.
Those who don't go to uni or do gap years also make new friends and catch up with the old ones three times a year when they come home at holidays.

My daughter went to uni aged 20. Was a great decision for her to spend some time doing other things. She has grown in confidence massively in that time. Had she gone straight to uni I suspect she might not have finished the first year.

A little bit more maturity when entering uni is no bad thing IMO. Sounds like your daughter isn't making this decision on a whim - and if she gets the better results, may well lead to a better course and better prospects.

I hear from your post that you love your DD and want the best for her but please let her make the choice she wants to make and support her taking a gap year. She sounds brilliant and very sensible.

Let her. I did it and I wish DD had done it.

As a parent it's a really hard time letting go of your child and redefining your relationship as two adults. But it is her life. We need to support them and be there to pick up the pieces when they sometimes get things wrong - as they inevitably will.

I have a DD due to go to uni in September too (one of the ones your DD applied for - all great unis, please don't feel she has 'settled' with a place at Manchester!

My DD has a lot of friends who are taking gap years. I know she is ambivalent about it herself as she suffers from anxiety, so although she has firmed her place (she has an unconditional, which takes the pressure off) and booked accommodation I shan't be entirely surprised if she defers in the end.

That would be her decision to make - our only stipulation would be that she must earn money or do something worthwhile - we won't support her for a year of lying in bed watching Netflix.

most definitely a Gap year. That wins hands down. Why?

1. She's 18. Her choice. You can advice, but it's her choice.
2. She needs a year to recover/regroup/make sure she knows what she wants to do re uni
3. If she doesn't have a gap year (because of mum), she'll regret it and blame you
4. 19.5 is no age at all. I had 2 years gap between A'levels and Uni and it was the best thing i ever did.
5. Learn to let to go...

"I'm struggling to align the views of posters who are saying things like "YABU to allow anything, she's an adult!" with the reality of the OP, or the parents generally these days, having to front these 18 year old adults financially."

Even if the OP is funding university, that doesn't mean she gets to force her dd to go if she's not ready! OP could make her offer to fund it conditional upon her dd taking it up this year, but I'm sure she wouldn't. So unless the funding is conditional on timing, then talk of "allowing" her not to go is entirely inappropriate.

I hope OP doesn't get this thread deleted. I don't think it's too identifying. It's got nothing that personal details wise. Or nothing that couldn't apply to 100's of other A'level girls.
It has lots of good advice and views for OP.
And others.
Great thread. Interesting.

I'm with Brash on this one - unless the dd can fund herself for her gap year, the answer would be, and was for us, no.

It's not about being 'controlling' which I don't think is the case with the OP at all, but balancing the needs of all members of the family, and not just the student in Year 13. Finances have to be considered in terms of covering costs and in terms of financial commitments, like pension saving and how close the parents are to retirement.

I don't consider my role as a parent to be to support ds whatever his decisions - I consider it my role to advise him when I think he is wrong, and to suggest practical alternatives where necessary.

I'm sure you can't just turn off parental concern when your child turns 18 but it sounds like she's able to make very sound decisions and that she will also put the work in at the right time (the fact that she has made such progress from AS to A level demonstrates this).

Starting university at 19 is no different to starting at 18 as a number of other students will also have taken gap years and if it means that she can apply to her preferred University/course this October then it sounds like a great idea.

You can explain your concerns to her but you have to let her make the decision.

Also just to say that although migraines are likely to be with her years, reducing her stress levels for a year and working out which foods and situations trigger her migraines could really help as could finding the right medication. She could also seek bereavement counselling if this would help.

I think instead of trying to dissuade her from taking a gap year it would be a good idea to encourage her to make a plan to ensure that this is a positive year for her- perhaps one in which she can process past trauma (incl her best friend passing away); work out who she wants to be and consider career plans; develop as a person and learn new skills.

scaryteacher yes but we can't make an 18 year old feel the way that we think they should.

Our adult eyes may see the logic of leaving school, knuckling down, getting a degree, a good job etc.
Perhaps because we know that will be the quickest route to a good career, nice home etc.

But we are dealing with human feelings here.

My DS had an unconditional offer to University in year 13. Instead he left school and worked part time stacking shelves in a supermarket.

He simply could not stomach the thought of more study at that point.
I could have told him he was on his own, to get his own place, an adult now etc.
And after much soul searching myself I came to the conclusion that I had to trust his judgement and believe in him.
He worked for 6 months then found a job abroad in a distant country where he worked for another 6 months.
He came back renewed and more mature and is now settled doing a study course part time, and again while not to my idea of a path for him will lead to a decent enough job and no student debt.

It is a privilege to support him, and although we are not a rich family trust in his choices.

+Speakout According to some of the posters on here, the 18 yo dd is* an adult, so which is it? If she wants the gap year, and can't fund it, then it isn't very adult really.

My ds knew that if he wanted the BA and MA with no student debt, he would have to do them straight after A levels, as his Dad wants to retire. He can have his gap year whilst job hunting, and doing internships or working in the local British store to earn some money post MA (he finishes that in August).

According to some of the posters on here, the 18 yo dd is an adult, so which is it?

It's either, neither, or both.

At 18 I was on my own and living without a penny support from my parents.
I choose to parent my own kids differently.

I just don't think that because we choose to financially support our adult/teens that allows us to control what they do.
I see my parenting responsibility as extending further than 18.