Would I be AIBU if I do not allow DD to take a gap year?

[MarvellousMrsMuggle]

Semi regular user here, name changed for privacy and posting in AIBU for traffic. I am extremely unsure about a gap year for DD, hence the tentative thread title. Some context so I don't drip feed ( sorry if too long):

We live overseas and DD (18) is currently finishing her A levels. She plans to study in the UK and has a conditional offer from three RG unis ( Manchester, Birmingham and Nottingham) to study politics. She has firmed Manchester. She now wants to take a gap year.

She has had a horrendous time in the last 4 years.
(1) During her GCSE's her best friend died of cancer after a year of struggle.
(2) During her AS levels DD herself fell mysteriously ill, and we could not get a firm diagnosis. After months of buggering about, she was diagnosed with Migraine Associated Vertigo, a fairly uncommon uncondition which means she is very dizzy on and off, triggered by certain foods, and sometimes made worse by stress and irregular meals. It keeps recurring from time to time.
(3) She did very poorly in her AS levels because she had to take two months off school. Got a string of Cs and Ds.
(4) She had a gruelling year catching up, took 3 resits, pulled herself together, and got a predicted AAB. Her teachers say she might even make an AAA but we were prob too conservative with our UCAS choices which I now regret.

DD now says she wants to either do a deferred entry to Manchester next year, or take a gap year to reapply to better colleges ( Kings, Warwick) if she gets an AAA in her exams. Her reasons: the migraine keeps recurring and she does not feel a 100% fit. She is wary of being so far away from us in an unfamiliar city , learning how to cook and manage house etc while being ill on and off. She also says she's very tired and worn out. During her gap year she plans to be at home- not travel- and do an internship/ an economics course/ learn a language.

My concern is that she may be tired now given the gruelling last two years, but may well regret it when she sees all her friends going off to uni.The migraine is a life long condition so it's not going to go away by next year anyway. I am also not sure if a better uni is worth it given Manchester is a respected uni. She will be 19.5 by the time she enters uni.

Eventually, it will be her decision, but I am just trying to help her make a good one.

Any advice much appreciated.

I would also echo those who say that Manchester is a great uni and to resist the urge to push DD for a 'better' uni. Oxbridge in particular is very, very pressurised - intense, short terms and high expectations. If money permits, she might want to consider a Scottish uni - I did after a really tough few years and it was great. The 4 year degree gives students much more time to adapt and find their way. I'm a big fan.

I think the fact the OP will be largely financing this gap year means she automatically gets a say.

I disagree.
Money does not buy control into someone else's life.

You could then equally argue that a SAHM should obey her OH, or a bride should let her parents decide her dress because they are paying for the wedding.

My job as a parent is to support and gently guide- not to control.
I have an 18 yo and a 20 yo.
They both often ask my opinion and guidance about big life things.

But I suspect that like your parents reddressblueshoes I am not seeking to control their lives.

I get that it's a hard act.
But ultimately it's our best shot at having a good respectful trusting relationship with our children into adulthood and beyond.

I may not agree that some of my kid's choices are the best, but I will support their decision and ( unless something dangerous or destructive) help them achieve it.

On this your dd is absolutely right to take a gap year, she sounds exhausted and very close to total burnout.

A year out will give her time to decompress, sort out her health, reapply to other universities if she chooses to go elsewhere and find herself in a good place. You are risking a lot by ploughing on with your wishes regardless (her mental health, her actual physical health and ultimately her results)

You sound way too intense, just relax, she has come through all of this and has done really well.

Support her decision

She's an adult. She even wants to use her gap year to improve her knowledge.

The only thing, realistically, that you need to decide is if you want to support her financially through her gap year. :)

If ever there was a reason for a gap year it's this. Hope she enjoys and recharges op. I think she's crying out for a bit of headspace. Not many teens would admit they aren't ready to leave home, she's giving you a clear message.

So predictable, all the "you can't let her, she's an adult, its nothing to do with you", its such bollocks. As if the DD is self supporting instantly the second she turns 18, that the people paying, faciliating, accomodating and guiding her life and choices just suddenly say thats it, you're 18, you're on your own!
Do any of you live in the real world?

Ds had health issues in the sixth form and had a gap year. He just needed a rest, really. He spent a year doing a part-time job, strumming his guitar in his room and reading.

Now at university and doing well all round. He says he was so glad he had the chance to recuperate before launching himself into academic matters and socialising again.

I have asked for this thread to be deleted, but I am not concerned about money; I am fine to support her for a while given she's not exactly living the high life. I realise others may feel differently. "Allow" was prob the wrong word: I shd probably replace it with "encourage".

There are a lot of different views on this thread; I feel like we are all trying- often failing-to figure out how best to ease our kids into adulthood. I know I am. And DD has been back and forth all year, so am v confused as to what she really wants. The other day she cdnt wait to head off to college and accused me of wanting to keep her home.

I feel like we are all trying- often failing-to figure out how best to ease our kids into adulthood

We are learning- and this is uncharted territory. It's a challenge- but deeply gratifying when we feel it is working.

Keep your relationship on an good course and good things will follow.
Trust and respect your DD and she will do the same to you.

DS1 was in her position - turbulent final year of 6th form, didn't feel ready to go to uni ( he was expecting to have to re-take his A's but made his offer ... ) he took a year out, defered his entry - which the uni was fine with - worked in the local pub and re-charged his batteries. He started uni this year and hit the ground running, he loves it and says the year out was absolutely the right thing to do.
If your daughter wants a year to re-gather herself for the next push it's her choice. She sounds very sensible!

Yes I can understand your worry but I think that yabu. She is an adult and I think that she should make her own decisions. She sounds like she's had a rough time and maybe feels like she needs a rest before uni. Uni is a difficult time when you first start. Stress and adapting to living on your own and being independent.

She's ill! Give her a break.

I took a gap year after several years of mental health issues, resulting in a failed suicide attempt in the middle of my final a level exams. I did feel a little envious of my friends who went to university, while I worked a full time, minimum wage job.

BUT it prepared me better, I was in a much better mindset when I went to uni, I wanted to apply myself, and being a few months older than people on my course was neither here nor there.

I wanted to take a gap year and my parents wouldn't let me. As it happened I had a fairly shitty time with my then boyfriend and ended up having to retake my A Levels anyway so went straight to uni.

I've never really forgiven my parents for vetoeing the gap year.

And to be honest, whilst I enjoyed living in another city away from my parents for 4 yrs, I don't feel like it benefitted my career/earnings particularly!

Let her make her own decision! I hope she has a fantastic time when she does decide to go

She's an adult this isn't your choice and she sounds very sensible, she may end up at a better uni and she sounds like a break would do her some good, She could get a job that either pays but doesn't challenge, to save and travel a bit or get into one of those volunteer projects abroad. I took a gap year, worked as a PA to a Bollywood choreographer for nine months, earned well learned a lot culturally, then travelled for four months. I had so much energy going to uni and some of my friends were burning out by second year due to years of relentless exams and deadlines. Back off YABVU

Yeah yabu. It's her choice- and it sounds like a great one!

Agree that it is your daughters to make and you should keep the word 'not allow' out of your vocabulary where she is concerned at 18 years.
Concerning the mav it can be brought on by stress and anxiety so the year out will be a good idea.

She sounds very sensible. Worth bearing in mind that she has until results day to make her decision (depending on what I required re accommodation deposit you could lose a some money though). That way she has the summer to clear her head a bit.

I think very few people regret a gap year. Yes she may miss her old friends but she will meet new people, especially through work/an internship. And later in the year she may decide to do a bit of travelling which would be a great experience.

Another note as someone wh lived overseas then did undergrad in the UK - if she has previously lived at home and with fairly involved parents it is a HUGE culture shock to be all alone at uni, especially if she is doing an arts or humanities degree with a lot of unstructured time. I had previously been very independent, but even post a gap year it could be very isolating when other students would go home for the short holidays or have family and friends pop around, a lot of others on similar situations got quite miserable.
Agree with the others, gap year all the way - no need for you to fund it, she can work and get some independence.

Firstly - I'm really not seeing the better universities argument here. In every possible way that is relevant to an undergraduate wanting to come out with a good experience and a good degree, at this level the only functional difference for your DD between those universities is going to be whether she feels a good vibe for the place, likes the look of the individual course syllabus, etc. - because that is what will make most difference to her achievement.

Minutiae of rankings are going to make no difference to her experience, her degree class, or even an employer's view of the quality of her CV. To be blunt, the only changes 'worth' making from either of these angles would be if she were going for Oxbridge (not always the best choice at all, but yes, looks better on your CV) or to shift to a less research-led institution with a reputation for good basic teaching and more of a focus on undergraduates (sometimes not a great track record here for the RG institutions). But the difference in having Warwick or Nottingham on your CV for your undergraduate degree? No difference at all.

Other than that - yes, you need to back off swiftly. I can see how this may be difficult given the support you've needed to give and I am sure you want to do the best by your DD. But your use of 'allow' when talking about an 18 year old? Just no.

It is worth thinking about it like this: when you start thinking that her choices as an adult are still your choices, what you are doing is helping train her to think she is unable to make decisions for herself. Even her mother, who knows and loves her, has no faith in her identity as an adult and her ability to make choices for herself. Helicoptering simply infantilises. That's dangerous - perhaps the most effective way you, right now, are failing to help her get strong. Even if a gap year is absolutely the wrong decision, it's actually not - because the real right decision now is whatever HER decision is. Because the most important step she is taking at the moment is independence, and confidence in her ability to take control of her own, independent life. Shoot that down, and you do far more long term damage than a misguided gap year ever could. She's learning to be confident. That same confidence, if you let it grow, will mature into an ability to keep herself safe, to think for herself, to tell an abusive would-be partner to fuck the fuck off. Build it up. Step back. Let her see you defer to her right to be an adult.

I can understand you are worried as things have been difficult but it wont help her in the long run to be overly controlling as she is setting off on her own now. She needs to be confident and supported in her OWN choices as she enters adulthood. She sounds sensible and has good reasons for her choice so I think YABU and should take a step back here. It will do her no good to feel pressured or forced into anything. She needs to feel responsible for her own choices. She may make mistakes or change her mind or whatever but I would take a back seat here as far as you can. Of course offer your advice if she asks for it.... but as far as trying to heavily influence or 'allow' ... at 18 this is not the time for that anymore and it will be more of a hinderence to her than a help at this stage of her life.

"I have asked for this thread to be deleted"

Very sensible. I'm trying to imagine what my reaction would have been aged 18 to my mum talking about my life choices, my health and my exam results to a bunch of strangers in a public forum online. 'Hit the roof' wouldn't even come close...

I started uni a year late for various reasons, then took a gap year afterwards.

A gap year after A levels should be fine as long as she isn’t sitting at home doing nothing and being bored.

YABU It's her life not yours to dictate what she should do with it, she's had a rough few years it won't harm her to take a year out. She could get a job, save for uni and maybe even go on a holiday. I think she sounds like she deserves it!

I took a gap year and am so glad I did. I needed a break between A levels and uni. I didn't go travelling, just worked full time and bloody hard for a year. By the time uni came around I was desperate to go and never looked back. There were many people in my halls who took gap years, and a 1 year age difference at 18/19 is not a big deal at all. Although I will say that the gap year students were much more mature and settled a lot quicker than the "straight from schools".