Would I be AIBU if I do not allow DD to take a gap year?

[MarvellousMrsMuggle]

Semi regular user here, name changed for privacy and posting in AIBU for traffic. I am extremely unsure about a gap year for DD, hence the tentative thread title. Some context so I don't drip feed ( sorry if too long):

We live overseas and DD (18) is currently finishing her A levels. She plans to study in the UK and has a conditional offer from three RG unis ( Manchester, Birmingham and Nottingham) to study politics. She has firmed Manchester. She now wants to take a gap year.

She has had a horrendous time in the last 4 years.
(1) During her GCSE's her best friend died of cancer after a year of struggle.
(2) During her AS levels DD herself fell mysteriously ill, and we could not get a firm diagnosis. After months of buggering about, she was diagnosed with Migraine Associated Vertigo, a fairly uncommon uncondition which means she is very dizzy on and off, triggered by certain foods, and sometimes made worse by stress and irregular meals. It keeps recurring from time to time.
(3) She did very poorly in her AS levels because she had to take two months off school. Got a string of Cs and Ds.
(4) She had a gruelling year catching up, took 3 resits, pulled herself together, and got a predicted AAB. Her teachers say she might even make an AAA but we were prob too conservative with our UCAS choices which I now regret.

DD now says she wants to either do a deferred entry to Manchester next year, or take a gap year to reapply to better colleges ( Kings, Warwick) if she gets an AAA in her exams. Her reasons: the migraine keeps recurring and she does not feel a 100% fit. She is wary of being so far away from us in an unfamiliar city , learning how to cook and manage house etc while being ill on and off. She also says she's very tired and worn out. During her gap year she plans to be at home- not travel- and do an internship/ an economics course/ learn a language.

My concern is that she may be tired now given the gruelling last two years, but may well regret it when she sees all her friends going off to uni.The migraine is a life long condition so it's not going to go away by next year anyway. I am also not sure if a better uni is worth it given Manchester is a respected uni. She will be 19.5 by the time she enters uni.

Eventually, it will be her decision, but I am just trying to help her make a good one.

Any advice much appreciated.

It sounds like a gap year would be an excellent plan, to be honest. I do think she should develop some plans beyond being at home with the time, though - go travelling, see the world a bit. I notice a huge difference between undergraduates aged 19 who have been travelling and those who are 18 who haven't.

dancin that's what I was thinking- everyone saying she's an adult, don't be controlling seem to be missing the bit where the daughter lives at home for a year, without a great wage, perhaps doing an unpaid internship! Given she requires an extra year of funding and living at home, she does need to agree this with her parents.

I think a gap year is a good idea here for all the reasons you suggest. I know quite a bit about that type of migraine- one thought is that it is not always that certain foods trigger it, but that the migraine starts many hours before you get the first symptom, and you then crave unsuitable (e.g. sweet/alcohol) foods. That said, if you find cutting something out works, then stick with it (I'm just thinking of the party example, where noise, lights might also trigger as well as alcohol).

I think YABU (with good intentions) I think, given what she's been through, her reasons for a break are very valid.

This is a non problem

1. YABU to talk of "allowing" her to do anything. She is 18 so you do not legally have any say in what she does. The best you can do is explain your opinion clearly and as neutrally as possible, making it clear that you are not putting any pressure on her but you think she should consider these arguments. If she still wants something different from you at the end of it, I'm afraid you're just going to have to suck it up, because it's not your decision.

1. In her exact circumstances I think I would be strongly arguing FOR a gap year. Her health condition may not be one that you "grow out of," but she'll have had a whole extra year to learn how to manage it as best she can, before she has to juggle that with learning a lot of other new life skills all by herself. She could probably just do with some downtime anyway after the difficulties of the last few years.

I don't think starting uni at 19 will mark her out as particularly unusual. My DS2 was only just 18 when he started (August baby) and has made a really good bunch of friends, one of whom is only 2 days older than him, and most of the others 1 or 2 years older. I don't know whether they did gap years, resits or what, but they don't really notice the age difference when they're together, and if anything, one of the slightly older ones sounds like the silliest!

Your DD sounds really sensible with her gap year plans. My parents wouldn’t let me have a gap year and I wasn’t confident at the time to just do it anyway. I still regret 25 years later.

I was friends with two people in my degree who were best friends from school. House shared for 3 years. They had completely fallen out by the end of the degree and have barely spoken since.

My sister deferred a year in remarkably similar circumstances. She worked part time. I never had a gap year and regret it immensely.

Forget all those reasons to do it - unless there are seriously good reasons NOT to do it, I would advise it for everyone. A bit of work, a bit of travel, a bit of growing up and a bit of freedom. What I wouldn't give for my life to be that simple now, and to easily pick up the thread of my career in a year's time?

Support her in whatever decisions she chooses. All the poshos at my uni had taken gap years and I was jealous as hell.

If you're overbearing you'll push her away

I came on here expecting you to say that your DD's gap year plans were to party in Ibiza and generally doss about doing nothing so am quite by your post.

A gap year for your daughter seems 100% the right move. She's had a tough few years, she's struggling healthwise and sounds like she would benefit from a year of preparation for the big, wide world and to think over her options..

Also, as others have said....it is her life, her decision

Oh sorry I didn't read your full post. Sounds like she wants more time to decide. Warwick is a campus university in Coventry, I was offered a place but turned it down because I wanted to live in a vibrant city. If she's a passionate academic it might suit her though.

Definitely give her the year to recover from all the upset she's had bless her.

Can you imagine how you would feel if you convinced her to go and she got sick and just couldn't cope. She's been through so much emotionally she is far more likely to do well when she's got her head together and had some time to unwind.

I would simply tell her that the decision is entirely hers and that you will support whatever she decides. Migraines are made worse by stress/pressure which is exactly what I think you are doing here. Pressurising her to do what you want rather than what is best for her.

It sounds as though she needs some very long lie ins and some TLC from her mum. Be proud of her for thinking of the internship and language.

Personally I would want my daughter to have a gap year if she had been through all that, poor girl. My daughter had a gap year before she started uni basically because she would still only have been 17 and being in the middle of a degree myself I saw first hand how some teenagers handled uni straight from school. A lot of them very badly, a lot of drop outs in my course. As for being 19 when she starts, that is nothing, hell I was the oldest on my course, there were a few mature students, aged well over 21 and no-one felt out of place. I loved it and never felt the least bit out of place. In fact I made some good friends with the younger crowd.

at thinking that even Birmingham, Nottingham and Manchester universities aren't good enough

One issue she'd need to check is whether her university will allow her to defer. Since she hasn't applied for deferred entry, this isn't a right and she will need to contact them and ask whether it's possible. I've worked in university admissions and we don't always allow students to defer a place (though with health grounds it is usually possible). Even if they don't allow it, she could withdraw and reapply with her actual grades next year.

DD is thinking of deferring her university offer. I have already paid a deposit for accommodation and applied for student finance. Should she ask about deferring now rather than on results day?

I'm puzzled by your objections. She is only 18 and would be at uni in a different country. If she doesn't feel ready for that I think you should support her choice. Her plans for the gap year are reasonable but even if she spent the year doing a minimum wage job she could save for uni and would learn something from doing it.

One thing to consider is what she thinks she might want to do afterwards.

A good friend at uni did a gap year beforehand: six months in Latin America improving her Spanish, six months in France improving her French. However at the end, she really regretted as she felt she couldn't justify another year off (which I did, between uni and a masters), her languages hadn't stayed with her as obviously she hadn't had much time to practice focusing on a degree and she felt she had a much clearer idea of the kind of things she'd like to do post-degree than pre.

A politics degree is the kind of thing that may lead to a masters to specialise: for me, having not had a gap year, I took one to do relevant internships around a part time job, save some money and go travelling in SE Asia and volunteering before I did a masters. I wouldn't have been brace enough to do those things at 18, and I wouldn't have felt able to do them if I'd already taken a year.

I had two months off before starting my course after exams however, so while I was also exhausted at the end of school I didn't work, didn't do much but recover and felt better afterwards. How much time will she have after a levels? Having to move country etc might be exhausting- I think the issue is whether she'll feel she's starting at a disadvantage as that can be hard to shake. If she feels she'll need a long time to recuperate, then obviously it's her choice: once she's considered all the pros and cons it's not the worst regret to have either way.

Hi - I've got a DD in lower sixth doing AS levels. On the whole, I don't like gap years as I think it's really easy for a student to almost loose the habit and will to engage with study....unless that happens to be something that they find very easy or natural.
However I think there's a few situations where it's good such as doing a relevant work placement, getting higher grades than anticipated (so reapplication or illness / family issues.
Your DD sounds like she has very good reasons to want the gap year. The illness may not go away HOWEVER, she will learn to manage it effectively at home without too much pressure. Make her get a proper job and pay you keep from her wages. Manchester is a great uni. I'd calm down on getting her to upgrade to higher. If you know that pressure can trigger her condition then that's not going to be helpful. Plan a mid year trip to Manchester so she keeps her enthusiasm going.
Very best of luck!!

She's 18. Back the fuck off. She doesn't need your permission to do anything.

Your role now is to support and guide her. Not to tell her what she can and can't do.

I feel very sorry for your daughter if she has a parent who believes like you do.

Gap year can be tough if you don't have friends around to support you, mine was a bit like this as a lot of friends had gone to uni. But, if she's working/doing a course she'll meet people. If she can get some work experience that will be worth a great deal when she finishes uni. I've recruited graduates and would always put work experience ahead of going to a slightly better university.

Also, I'm a bit mystified by the posters saying it's none of the OPs business.

She's not planning on backpacking around the world, supporting herself by teaching English. She's planning on continuing to live in the OPs house while taking some language courses.

Aside from the fact most loving parents of any age consult with children on life choices- I'm in my thirties and just asked my parents thoughts on our extension plans!- I think the fact the OP will be largely financing this gap year means she automatically gets a say.

We found a good compromise for DS2 but not sure if it's an option in the UK (we are in Aus). He applied for semester 2 entry which he got. He is profoundly dyslexic and school was a struggle - tbh we didn't think he'd get the grades for Uni so we are really proud of him - so he finished his exams end of October last year and starts Uni end of July. He hasn't done a lot with his time tbh which I have at some times found frustrating, it's been more of a chance to unwind, but we had a few holidays planned and now he has got a part time job which he will be able to continue with and his confidence is growing. It sounds like your daughter has had a bit of a tough time, I would give her a break. I certainly wouldn't push her to start Uni if she doesn't feel ready. Lots of kids drop out here in first year because they are doing what their parents want rather than what they want.

I am a lecturer who was in charge of pastoral care of the first year for a long time. Incidence of depression and anxiety is high and even higher amongst students who have other health/life issues that they are still dealing with. She's telling you she's not ready to rise to the challenge yet- she wants to rest, regroup and work out her best way forward. Please listen. Yes, she will probably feel it when her friends go, but she should only go when she's ready otherwise she is at high risk of becoming mentally ill. She's dealt with an awful lot recently - can you not just give her space and support for a while?

Let her have a gap year. As long as she has a plan for what she will do with that year and works towards that it will be fine. She is also sensible to keep one (deferred) offer in hand and to apply again next year in case she can get in somewhere she prefers. I think she sounds emininetly sensible.

As pps have said it really is her choice and not for you to allow her. To be quite honest reading through the issues she's had to deal with I was thinking that if it was my daughter I'd be actively encouraging her! She's been under non stop stress for various reasons for quite some time now, surely a year out could do her a world of good?

She could take up some hobbies/activities, maybe she'd enjoy learning to cook for example. Some time to relax and recharge, switching off from the academic focus for a while, why not?

I'd honestly be thinking about her mental health here, pushing her straight back onto the hamster wheel of classes, study and exams might be a very bad idea. She's shown maturity by recognizing she needs a break and I think you should respect and support that.