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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would I be AIBU if I do not allow DD to take a gap year?

156 replies

MarvellousMrsMuggle · 02/05/2018 06:07

Semi regular user here, name changed for privacy and posting in AIBU for traffic. I am extremely unsure about a gap year for DD, hence the tentative thread title. Some context so I don't drip feed ( sorry if too long):

We live overseas and DD (18) is currently finishing her A levels. She plans to study in the UK and has a conditional offer from three RG unis ( Manchester, Birmingham and Nottingham) to study politics. She has firmed Manchester. She now wants to take a gap year.

She has had a horrendous time in the last 4 years.
(1) During her GCSE's her best friend died of cancer after a year of struggle.
(2) During her AS levels DD herself fell mysteriously ill, and we could not get a firm diagnosis. After months of buggering about, she was diagnosed with Migraine Associated Vertigo, a fairly uncommon uncondition which means she is very dizzy on and off, triggered by certain foods, and sometimes made worse by stress and irregular meals. It keeps recurring from time to time.
(3) She did very poorly in her AS levels because she had to take two months off school. Got a string of Cs and Ds.
(4) She had a gruelling year catching up, took 3 resits, pulled herself together, and got a predicted AAB. Her teachers say she might even make an AAA but we were prob too conservative with our UCAS choices which I now regret.

DD now says she wants to either do a deferred entry to Manchester next year, or take a gap year to reapply to better colleges ( Kings, Warwick) if she gets an AAA in her exams. Her reasons: the migraine keeps recurring and she does not feel a 100% fit. She is wary of being so far away from us in an unfamiliar city , learning how to cook and manage house etc while being ill on and off. She also says she's very tired and worn out. During her gap year she plans to be at home- not travel- and do an internship/ an economics course/ learn a language.

My concern is that she may be tired now given the gruelling last two years, but may well regret it when she sees all her friends going off to uni.The migraine is a life long condition so it's not going to go away by next year anyway. I am also not sure if a better uni is worth it given Manchester is a respected uni. She will be 19.5 by the time she enters uni.

Eventually, it will be her decision, but I am just trying to help her make a good one.

Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
EdmundCleverClogs · 02/05/2018 06:29

I can understand your worry for her but you’ve crossed the line into massive control freak. It’s not ‘your ucas choices’, it’s not your university place, it’s not your life. If you carry on treating your adult daughter this way, she’ll end up resenting you.

HoneyJamMarmalade · 02/05/2018 06:30

The alternative could well be that she starts uni becomes overwhelmed and drops out.

I would encourage the gap year. She needs a break.

Shednik · 02/05/2018 06:33

I was discouraged from taking a gap year. I'm still resentful 20 years later.

Original poster
MarvellousMrsMuggle · 02/05/2018 06:33

Thanks for all the very quick replies. General consensus is that I am AIBU. There was one other factor: DD's best friend is also going to the same university and up until now, they had it all planned out, in re rooming together and supporting each other, and seemed to be all v excited to go right now, this year, immediately and all that. She now seems to be unsure of that though.

Slitherout, glad to hear that you grew out of your migraine as you got older. I shd prob start another thread in Health to figure out solutions.

OP posts:
NanBoleyn · 02/05/2018 06:35

Hi OP, my DD has a place at one of the Unis mentioned to do a politics course, She needed AAB and got A*AA. Shen is now on a gap year, spent the first half working and saving money and now in Asia on a group volunteer project. All her choice although I have given advice when asked along the way!
She is very excited about starting Uni in September both in terms of the city and the course.
It sounds to me like your daughter is not absolutely sure about either the city, the course or perhaps even about going to Uni at all. In which case it is best that she takes some time to properly consider her options and work out what she really wants to do.

Original poster
MarvellousMrsMuggle · 02/05/2018 06:37

Thrifty Mcthrifty, thank you, she has been given a list of things to avoid and we have sort of narrowed down the food triggers, which of course include all her fave teen food groups like chocolate, caffeine and alcohol:) so quite hard to avoid but she does her best.

OP posts:
GoldenMcOldie · 02/05/2018 06:37

I don't think it's your choice OP. Your role is to support your adult daughter.

Poor love has been through the ringer. I imagine it's been very tough on you too.

Hope things continue going well.

GertrudeCB · 02/05/2018 06:37

She can still keep in touch with her friend, even go and visit.
Honestly my DD has achieved so much this year, she now has the skills needed for
a) living independently
b) fulfilling the rigours of her course.

annandale · 02/05/2018 06:41

The plans for rooming together and supporting each other sound like a good reason for a gap year in themselves tbh. Recipe for falling out in an apocalyptic fashion. How many UK unis have shared rooms anyway, have things changed?

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 02/05/2018 06:41

It sounds like she's had a really horrific time and very much needs a break.

A gap year was the making of me. I worked a lot, travelled a lot and relaxed a lot and having that break between the stress of school and the stress of Uni really mentally prepared me for what was ahead.

19.5 is not remotely old to be starting Uni. She absolutely won't stand out. Pretty much any English kid who takes a gap year is 19 by the time they start and there are lots of them. And if she's had a break and got her head in the right place first, she is much less likely to drop out.

It sounds like your only real reason for saying she shouldn't is that she might regret it when she sees her friends going. Even if that's true it's not a terrible consequence and she'll soon get over it once she's busy having her own experiences.

I don't think you have anything to worry about. She sounds like a sensible girl with good reasons. I think you can trust her judgement.

speakout · 02/05/2018 06:43

There was one other factor: DD's best friend is also going to the same university and up until now, they had it all planned out, in re rooming together and supporting each other, and seemed to be all v excited to go right now, this year, immediately and all that.

But that is just kids talking.
I have heard the same from my DD in year 13.

It's won't happen. The reality is more likely that your DD and friend would end up going separate ways, living in different places, meeting new friends, finding new support.

That's part of what University is about- students go alone, not in pairs.
Your DD won't be missing out as this buddy thing- while cute- is just a teenage pipe dream.

If she defers she will find new friends, new support, new flatmates.

Undercoverbanana · 02/05/2018 06:43

YABU. In case you hadn’t noticed, she’s an adult.

MimiSunshine · 02/05/2018 06:46

Please consider that if she doesn’t feel she has your support in making the decisions that are right for her now, she may well go off to uni, struggle and end up dropping out by Christmas.

Or worse, struggle but not feel able to drop out or tell you about it and just slowly stop going to lectures.

Both of which I saw happen when I was at uni. Both events waisted that first year of study and in a lot of cases put the student off any uni education completely.

Not going now just because her friend is, shoes that she has a strong character and a strong sense of self.
She’ll be ok, a gap year will do her the world of good and give her renewed vigour for what’s next

Original poster
MarvellousMrsMuggle · 02/05/2018 06:47

Glad to hear from all of you who took a gap year that it was great. I did do uni but I dont think it was as stressful in my time, and I wasn't ill. I am prob being over controlling; I have had to step in a lot over the last 4 years and I might not be handling this as best I should.

Annandale, your comment about rooming together with best friend seems like a recipe for falling out may well be completely accurate. I do find that DD does have v fraught friendships; maybe it's time to let go of the best friend.

NanBoleyn, great to hear from your DD's exp of a gap year. I do think humanities degrees are better with some work experience or languages. I dont think DD will do all the things I listed; these are just some of the things she wants to do.

OP posts:
BlackRibboner · 02/05/2018 06:47

Agree with PPs about it being her choice and a gap year not being a bad option in your daughter's circumstances. But wanted to pick up on the recommendation against London - it is costly and yes probably a different experience to many other unis. But apart from some of the colleges being world class, it's also three years of being able to explore everything the capital has to offer, including cheap deals for a lot of West End shows, exhibitions and galleries. And for me it had the plus point that many people tend to stay in London for the jobs after their degrees, so you don't have all your friends disappearing immediately after graduation but have a support network through the first few years in the world of work. I wouldn't have wanted to study anywhere else - not for everyone, of course, but don't write it off!

mysteryfairy · 02/05/2018 06:49

OP I don't think the talk re UCAS choices etc is necessarily controlling. I have 2 DC at university. One chose for me to be heavily involved in his decisions. The other did not. I get the feeling from how you write your DD has wanted your involvement and after the difficult time she has had I'm not surprised.

Re the choice and trading up it is possible to do that through adjustment if your grades are better than expected so don't rule out that she may be able to change destination and still go this year.

OrchidInTheSun · 02/05/2018 06:52

Given her plans for sharing with the best friend, I think it's an even better idea that she takes a year out.

zzzzz · 02/05/2018 06:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunnysidegold · 02/05/2018 06:57

I think she has been through a lot in the past few years and a break before starting uni might do her good, especially if she ends up making better grades than predicted and may want to reapply.

Some people take a gap year to piss about but it sounds like your dd has her head screwed on.

I took a gap year after not getting my predicted grades and though I could've gone to my insurance offer I decided to resit some exams and gained the confidence to appply for a course I wouldn't have dreamt of applying for in the previous year.

Going to uni at 19 isn't going to be the end of the world.
I am concerned your OP is perhaps a bit identifying.

MyotherUsernameisaPun · 02/05/2018 06:58

I don't think you're being controlling OP - you're just asking for advice on how best to support your DD!

Slartybartfast · 02/05/2018 06:59

you would be unreasonable. It is her choice. You cannot stop her. You can advise. However she may know herself better. I think plenty of 18 year olds feel the same currently. It is daunting as it is getting closer.

newdaylight · 02/05/2018 07:00

YABU and it sounds like you want to have undue influence over her. This comment in particular...

but we were prob too conservative with our UCAS choices which I now regret.

Perhaps she would have done better without you thinking that they were poorly your choices

newdaylight · 02/05/2018 07:01

Partly, not poorly

Furano · 02/05/2018 07:01

Sounds like she needs a gap year to refresh and recover.

She’ll have a great time - a bit of rest, a bit of travel, a bit of work etc

She could use the time to visit her friend who are at uni which will make her feel much more comfortable when she goes.

VanillaSugar · 02/05/2018 07:03

My DD wanted to take a gap year and I said no. So off she went. Now she wants to take a gap year after she’s graduated and before she does her masters. So she will end up having a gap year whatever.

My cousin’s DD is currently in a gap year. My birthday is right at the end of August so I’d graduated by the time I was 20 and people in the year below me were older than me. I wish I’d taken a gap year.

Let the poor child take a gap year!!

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